Blood on the Katana Sword

Before I hit the sack for the day, I just gotta get my thoughts out. Tomorrow is the big day. The day Red Blossoms and I will perform our song “The Light of Shadow” in front of the whole college for the first time! I actually wrote most of the song, but Matt contributed a lot to the lyrics. Scotty composed the guitar solos and licks, and Jeanne drummed out the rhythm for us. Matt keeps saying I should change the word “arse” in the song to “ass” because we’re an American-based band and only the Brits say “arse”. I say we keep it that way because we should probably try to appeal to potential audiences OUTSIDE of America. Like the whole marketing stuff or something. And plus, “ass” is too common and dirty a word, even in America. So yeah, “shove it up your A-A-A-ARSE, not to The Light of Shadow.” Am I nervous about tomorrow? Oh yes, you bet I am. College has never really been a place of self-expression, freedom, freedom to not give a s**t, and being “authentically me” (whatever that’s like), contrary to what those seniors, professors, counsellors, happy-go-lucky peers (ugh) and even the media may tell you. Everyday, or at least ALMOST every damn day, I feel like a stupid quintessential awkward little sorta grown-up kid. Or maybe a borderline mentally ill (what’s the word…… dissociative) person. Idk. I feel like I’m living in a gross human body that doesn’t belong to me. That isn’t supposed to be mine for some reason. It feels wrong. It just does don’t ask me why. I feel like I’m living a BIG FAT LIE of a life. Like I’m here in the world as a total joke (is that why them ugly, BULLIANT classmates of mine keep laughing at me? Like they don’t know how to look in the mirror to find jokes for themselves?!?!?! #UGH. Freak-Show Clowns.), and I’m lying to EVERYONE around me even to myself. Like I can’t tell the truth yet, I gotta wait for the right time to tell it to the world, whenever that is. Snap. It’s nearly 11pm. I gotta sleep. I normally don’t go to bed at this hour, even on a college weekday (if I had my way I would come as late as possible to classes and leave as early as possible EVERYDAY). But tonight I gotta make an exception. I ain’t gonna get too deep about myself. Tomorrow’s the day I put a brave face on and do what I’m supposed to do, regardless of how I feel inside. I hope it all goes well. No last-minute technical difficulties or sound problems. That’s the last thing a band needs before a show, especially a start-up band with such ethnic diversity (American-Japanese, Japanese, Scottish & Australian) that communication problems are bound to come up in one way or another, not to mention language barriers. Not that Red Blossoms will have such issues (so far). We do argue and disagree once in a while, like Matt and I on a single lyric in a song, but all done in the same language. Just in starkly different accents. But we all laugh it off each time. Like friends. Because off-stage, that’s what we are. I don’t know what I’m gonna do after college. Go to Uni? Earn my first gig with Matt, Scotty and Jeanne? IDK. So many questions, so little willpower to think about them answer them all. What, like this is an exam and you only have limited time to answer all them stupid questions?! Hahahaha. Life, you’re NOTHING like a stupid exam paper. Seriously. Better go to bed now. It’s 11:30. Glad Battle of the Bands starts AFTER break time and my band aren’t going first. It’ll give us plenty of time to pump ourselves up and get our ROCK mood in gear. I can foresee GREAT competition, not just for tomorrow but also out of college. If so many people are forming bands, it’s gonna be a tight squeeze in the industry to seize small windows of opportunity and become the next big thing — whether through Youtube or traditional contract-and-record-companies, any way possible that applies. I’m not gonna wear makeup tomorrow for the show. Baby steps. If it takes microscopic, baby steps to become who I truly am/what I feel like/what is meant to be/whatever, then so be it. No makeup tomorrow. And maybe I won’t wear a bra either. Under TWO layers — a black leather jacket and a cotton T-shirt (a great combo for Rockin’ out — my signature style!) no one will notice. At size 33A (last time I checked) I’m lucky to be born flat enough that I don’t need to worry about binding or buying one, or hurting myself if I bind the wrong way. I’ve read all these blogs and posts on Tumblr that binding wrongly can have serious lasting consequences that I don’t really want to name. I stopped wearing a bra since I figured I’ll never be big enough to fill one anyway [insert old bra-dying-of-starvation joke here] unlike all those early bloomers and busty girls in middle/high school. Even my mom agreed on the umphteenth time she took me bra-shopping with her. I’ll never really need one so I don’t have to wear one and she’s cool with that. I’m (extra) cool with that, too. It’s only a nuisance of an undergarment if you ask me. So Good night! Wow. I’ve never spent so long writing (or even blogging) about my thoughts in a long, looong time. Haven’t visited Tumblr in forever, though. The capital C (as in COLLEGE) has had me booked since forever. Daisy gave me this small Japanese bamboo-bounded notebook as an “all the best” kind of gift when I formed Red Blossoms two years back. She’s such a sweet, smart, resourceful and culturally-sensitive girl. And she’s our (unofficial) manager too. Someday maybe I’ll ask her out on a date — a FRIEND date. Girls can get away with calling each other cute, but asking each other out on DATES within girls is a little awkward…… really. Don’t know who made these society and behaviour rules. Dunno why I feel this way towards girls. I just know I feel that way about that and I always have. Don’t remember who my first crush was, but she was a girl, back in kindergarten (yes, I was THAT young). Gonna stop thinking and go to sleep before my head blows and my hand melts from the heat of the lamplight. Nighty-nights! E.