Marcial

Beginning

A/N

Hi this is Yin.

I've been writing stories on other writing platforms and it's my first time sharing this story here. This is a newly created story just for Stary. I'm more of an illustrator but I also enjoyed creating stories so I hope you could check this out. I will try telling this story the best way that I can so I hope you will read it until the very end.

I'm also not a professional psychologist and neither a psych student so there might be inaccuracies.

I hope you like this story and have a great day ahead of you. Stay safe always!

Prologue

(TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide)

The wind felt so warm and cold at the same time. The burning sky almost turned black. The weather was fine. Everything around me was calm. But the whole me felt stiff. Numb. Helpless. Horrible.

I can see how small the world from here. People were busy with their own lives. Some were happy, and some were just waking up waiting for the day to end.

And me? I chose to end it before it even begins.

Ayoko na. Tama na.

Palagi akong nagdadasal noon na sana maging maganda din ang araw ko. Maka catch up sa klase, hindi pumapalya sa trabaho, makakain ng masarap na pagkain, gumagala tulad ng ibang teenagers. But everything just didn't go as planned. I felt like all those prayers were useless.

Why was the world so cruel to me? I never enjoyed living for 19 years. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will finally become an adult but I was never getting an inch of excitement. It will just be the same tomorrow. Wake up, go to school, work to keep me alive, sleep and repeat. Nothing new.

I’m alive but never lived. Everyone just turned their back at me. And I never tried chasing people. They say that’s how the world works. If they love you, they will stay. If they care for you, they won’t leave. We decide who to keep and who to discard. But I ended up being alone…and miserable.

I'm tired of being miserable. Ni wala nang luhang lumalabas sa mata ko. Nakakasawang umiyak dahil wala din namang may mababago. Ganoon pa rin. Mahirap pa rin ang buhay.

I reached my limit.

I closed my eyes and breathed the air for one last time.

“I lived enough”, probably my last word.

I leaned and waited for the gravity to just pull me and leave everything behind.

But suddenly, I felt someone grab me.

I failed…again.

“Just let me die!!!”, I shouted as soon as I landed safely—but I didn’t feel safe.

I couldn't open my eyes and tears just continuously flowing. Surprisingly. May luha pa pala akong natitira. Pero hindi na luha ng kalungkutan kundi pagkainis.

I had tried ending my life for a lot of times but it always not happening. I didn’t know if the deity's giving me a sign that something great is waiting ahead of me or I'm being punished by prolonging my agony? Either way, I just can’t take this anymore. I’m really tired. I’m tired of waiting for good things. Why can't I just leave?!

“People like you should live longer”, he said while panting. We were both heavily breathing while lying on the cold ground.

I managed to open my eyes to look at the guy who pulled me. He got up and stared at me with intensity. I couldn’t look away from those eyes. His face was emotionless but there’s a deeper message from his stares.

“You are a good person. This chaotic world needs you”, he continued.

“Pagod na ako”, halos wala nang boses na lumalabas sa bibig ko.

“It must be good to feel tired”

I creased my forehead. He’s saying it as if everything seems easy. I bet life hasn’t hit him hard yet.

I took a deep sigh.

“Have you experienced being left behind? Abandoned after abusing you? Growing up alone? Failing every subject in school? Realizing you’re not good at anything? Work hard to sustain yourself when you don’t even know why you should continue living? You must be living well, good for you. My life was never good. I wonder how does it feel to be happy once in a while”, there I said it. Things I’ve been keeping all by myself. I told all of them to some stranger.

I’m done telling people about my struggles because they will just say the same f*****g thing.

'Ganyan talaga ang buhay.'

'Suicide isn't the answer.'

'There’s more to life than what you are experiencing right now.'

'I’m here for you.'

'Everything’s gonna be fine.'

Bullshit.

It’s easy to say those words but it didn’t give me an ounce to be motivated and keep going. They say killing yourself is selfish. You're not ending the pain but you're passing it to your love ones. But I have no one. I lost my love ones and nobody truly wanted me because I have nothing to offer. I'm not smart and I'm poor. I can't be useful to them that's why no one dared to approach me. I'm sure they would just attend my funeral pretending to care for the meantime then after that they'll move on. That's why it's easy for me to do it.

“I never felt happy—to be exact, I don’t know how to feel that”, he said with a straight face. “Don’t die, woman.”, he then stood up but he didn’t leave.

“I have no reason to live”, I uttered softly enough for him to hear it. I feel so small and useless. I just wanted to finish this. I’m tired of false hopes.

He crouched down and face me. I remained looking at his shoes that looks expensive. If only I had the money, maybe I could at least be happy.

“Then use me”, I lifted my head and just waited for him to say more. “I’ll be your family, your friend, your lover…your reason to live”

"You're saying that because I'm dying", I said. Pareho lang din siya sa mga tao sa paligid ko. They wouldn't care unless you're rich, pretty, famous or dying.

"I'm not doing this because I pity you. I'm not capable", he nonchalantly said.

"Bakit mo 'to ginagawa? Wala akong pera"

"I don't need your money"

"I'm not smart"

"Doesn't matter"

"I'm broken"

"That's why I'm here to fix you"

A short silence as I couldn’t respond. All I could hear was the sound of night breeze.

I looked at those eyes again and said, “I don’t even know you”

He then lifted his hand offering a handshake, “I’m Marcial. I’ll be your toy and I’m all yours to enjoy.”

That sounds like a joke but it felt real. I could see the sincerity from his eyes even if his face would deny it. He’s saying it with a poker face but his eyes could express everything. And for the first time in a long while, I smiled.

I didn’t know but I felt comforted. I became less lonely as if I had found someone to lean on. Kahit hindi ko alam hanggang kailan siya mananatili. Kung seryoso ba lahat ng sinasabi niya o bored lang siya.

One thing is certain, he lifted the weight in my heart. I was not sad anymore than I used to. Suddenly, I didn’t want to die tonight.

“Addison”, I introduced myself and accepted his hand.

I accepted him to enter my life that was barely functioning that night.

The night when I thought was the end, was actually just the beginning.