My Compass
Sophia POV
Growing up, my mom has always told me that good things happen to good people, no matter how late it is. Why then should my mom of all people be diagnosed with leukemia? Why? She has always been a soft and generous woman, why is the universe rewarding her with bad? This was my thinking on my way from work. I work at a restaurant as a waitress and got paid today, I used my paycheck to get drugs for my mother, as we couldn’t afford chemotherapy, drugs was all that could lessen her pain.
Entering our small quarters apartment, I saw my mum laying down on our mattress that equals to sleeping on the mat, her back was facing me, I took few minutes to look at her, how lean she has come, how her beautiful and thick hair that I got from her is now all gone due to the cancer, i shed bitter tears in silence, feeling bad for my mother.
Wiping my tears, “Mom, I’m home” I called out, putting the drugs down, removing my jacket and undressing yet to face her.
“I got my paycheck today, and before you scold me for spending it all on your drugs again, I got myself a hairpin too” I told her. She finds it annoying when I use my paycheck to buy her drugs.
“What’s the use of buying the drugs when it won’t extend my lifespan? It’s a waste of money, I can endure the pain, spend the money on yourself Sophia” she always says.
I'd rather spend all my money on her drugs than seeing her in pain.
I noticed it’s eerily quiet, and yet to hear the sweet voice of my Mother, fully changed, I turn around only to see her in the same position, for some reasons, my heart started beating so fast, my palms sweaty, whenever I enter the house, my mom always noticed my presence even before I speak.
Kneeling slowly on the floor beside the bed, “Mom?” I rubbed her arm turning her to face me, her eyes was still closed, her face peaceful, my shaking hands held her hands to my cheeks, and it was cold instead of the warm hands that caress my cheeks, I tried listening to her heartbeat, but it was quiet, every where was quiet but I could hear my own heart pounding.
“No mom, you can’t do that to me. You’re all I have, you can’t leave me all alone in this world Mom!!” I shake her weeping profusely.
She’s gone! My Mother is gone! I cried bitterly, for my pitiful mother, who suffered to raise me alone despite all odds. I screamed tirelessly, cried for myself for losing the only person that has always chosen and put me first, I cried for hours holding on to my mother, inhaling her scent staying there, reminiscing about all of our memories, every time she lied to me that she isn’t hungry just so I can eat to satisfaction, how sad she was when we couldn’t afford to pay for college and I had to put a stop to my education. “I’m sorry Sophia. I wish I could give you the best life that you deserve, my princess.” I remember how she said that to me on all my birthdays.
“You’re more than I deserve Mom. Thank you for being my mother.” I whisper into her ear.
Aunt Fehime helped arrange a small funeral service with me, she did most of it as I was absentminded and I had no idea on what to do about the funeral arrangements anyway, after the service I sat beside my mum’s grave staring at nothing.
Aunt Fehime came to sit next to me, she handed me a cotton pouch, it has an embroidery of my initials on it, I looked at it and looked up at Aunt Fehime, “From your mom” she said patting my back and stood up to give me privacy I guess. I opened it and saw a letter and I opened it slowly, saw my mum’s handwriting
“My precious daughter,” it started. Tears well up in my eyes,
“If you’re reading this letter, it means I’ve left you unfortunately. I wish I could be a better mom to you, I wish you didn’t have to grow up so fast and carry so much burden. You’re the best child any mother could wish for, I’m so proud to be your mother, and I wish I could be with you for a long time, I’m sorry baby.
You don’t have to be sad or lost due to my absence Sophia, you’re strong, you’ll do just fine without me, I wasn’t so active even when we were together due to my illness, you took care of me and yourself, now it’s just you, I believe in you princess. Don’t let the world pin you down, release your spark, live and love.
In the pouch that was given to you, you’ll find a necklace in it. It's the last piece of your father, keep it with you always. One day you might meet your father, even though he didn’t come back for us. I'm certain he’ll be happy to see you if he knows you exist. He has always wanted a daughter and wanted to name her Sophia.
I love you so much Sophie, it saddens me to have to write you this letter, I wish I didn’t have to leave you. Be happy my daughter, I’ll always watch over you. Don’t be sad baby, you’re the best thing that happened to me in this lifetime.
Love,
Mom.
By the end of the letter, I was a crying mess. She was my compass, even though she thought she wasn't active in my life, she has always been my reason to fight and not to give up no matter what. “I love you mum” I said
