Catastrophic

Heartbroken

After the news James shared with me and the stress of... just everything I just put one foot in front of the other. I was mad, hurt, and pretty much every emotion in the book. I went through the motions. One foot in front of the other. My insomnia worsened until I had to be medicated. I felt like a zombie. I would stay awake for days on end then crash for a day straight. Work was super difficult. I would often zone out or hallucinate while sitting at my desk. Surely this isn't how life is supposed to go. I visited my mother often. I didn't dare tell her about all the things going on in my life. She needed to focus on healing. I took time off of work to take her to chemotherapy treatments. Chemo is the most horrid treatment I have ever heard of. It wrecks the body and causes so much misery. I thought it was going to kill my mother in and of itself. What I was going through was so insignificant compared to what she was going through.

Christmas that year wasn't the same. Christmas had been one of my father's favorite holidays. James proposed and I said yes. We both know I shouldn't of said yes. His outbursts were escalating and my will power is dwindling. I didn't tell anyone when he first shoved me to the ground or threatened to take my life. I didn't tell anyone any single thing. I wanted to believe that marrying him was the best thing to do and I would be happy. It seemed to make my mother happy as well or at least give her something to work on and look forward to. Unfortunately I couldn't wish myself in to believing the future would be bright and the numbness persisted. Everytime James and I fought I considered calling off the wedding. In hindsight, I should of acted on these feelings.

We got married in the spring and my new role as wife came easily for me. I still took care of my mother and took her to her treatments, blood transfusions, and appointments. I was still numb and things between James and I only got worse. It was maybe a week after we got married that he had revealed to me that the woman he got pregnant was actually staying in my house with him while my father was in the hospital. Again, I was devasted but numb. He acted like it was nothing and that I should be excited to raise this baby. Denise ended up not being pregnant after all and James was devastated. I had to comfort him as he mourned the loss of what could of been. He also started having health problems around this time due to prolonged alcohol consumption. He couldn't hold a steady job so now it all fell on my shoulders. How I found the strength to go on in these circumstance is beyond me now. I was stronger than I ever thought I was.

In the fall of that very year my mother took a turn for the worse. As we approached the one year anniversary of my father's passing it looked like it was time to say goodbye. The treatments were successful but as soon as they stopped the cancer came back ten fold. She wanted to keep fighting but my family and I reassured her that it was completely her decision and we wanted her to do what she wanted to do. We knew the absence of my father had taken its toll on her. They had been high-school sweethearts and the poster children for what true love really was. Looking back I was a horrible daughter during my mother's last year of life. Between my inability to cope with my father's death, James and I's rocky relationship, and my mounting issues, I did not devote the time and empathy my mother deserved. I can't say that she died knowing how much I loved her. I don't know if I ever showed her how much I loved her. I was a mess and was far from loving myself.

My mother died peacefully a few days shy of the one year anniversary of my father's death. I was crushed but relieved. I knew my mother wasn't in pain anymore and she wouldn't be subjected to anymore medical treatments. It hurt really bad and James's behavior during this time frame left a lot to be desired. Instead of being my comfort and peace he was more worried about when I would get my inheritance. I should of known then he was more conniving that what he let on. Luckily my family was way ahead of me at the time and was already in the process of hiring an amazing team of lawyers. James appeared to be fine with this and even encouraged it. He knew how vulnerable (and gullible) I was at the time. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger. The fighting between us grew worse and he became more and more physical. It got to the point where the neighbors would call the police because they were terrified that James was going to kill me. My family staged interventions but I was to lost to get much from them.

The day he threw a window air conditioner unit at me I should of left. It resulted in the police coming and defusing the situation but not before I had a swollen neck and bruises. The police called an ambulance and I was quickly taken to the hospital. There I was scared... they asked me the questions I didn't want to answer. The questions that make you realize that you are in way over your head. After doing a battery of tests and concluding that my injuries were just bumps and bruises I was sent home. James was at the bar like nothing happened and I just laid down and cried. He came home drunk and treated me like his queen. Like nothing ever happened. He never apologized for his outbursts and he never promised me they wouldn't happen again. I felt stuck and like there was hope for us after all. I contemplated that maybe there was a justified reason behind his outbursts like a medical condition or something. I was giving him every excuse I could think of to make his behavior not his fault. He was my husband. I had made a commitment.

We separated for a time. He went back to live with his parents and I moved in to an old travel trailer that had belonged to my parents. It was peaceful and I was slowly beginning to allow some happiness in to my life. James and I would still see each other and try to salvage our marriage. I tried and tried and tried. Sometimes it was hopeful and we actually got somewhere and sometimes it was daunting and ended in a fight. It finally boiled down to one night.

One of the worst nights of my life...