Crying is a Privilege

Another morning, another twenty-four hours to spend wandering around. Looking for places – or even humans – that would keep me entertained and would help me be lost in time. Where did I spend my time yesterday? Ah, I was busy spying over a bickering couple all day. That was really fun and entertaining! They look so dumb and cringey yet they also look cute at some point. Will I ever get to experience that? Being in a relationship, can I even be in one? I guess it is too much of a luxury for me. I can’t. Anyway, spending time alone, every single day, could be very exhausting, draining, tiring, and boring. I can’t even vent about things. I overheard someone in the street saying that it feels great to have someone who would be willing to listen to all your stories, your rants, and your random thoughts. She said that it lifts the bags on your shoulder. How nice would it be if someone would be able to talk to me? Every day, I have to find something or be in some place just to forget about all the burden that I feel on my shoulder and deep in my heart. It would probably be easier to carry if I knew what these burdens are all about. I constantly feel the weight but I am not aware of what’s inside these bags. Where should I go today? I’m getting bored wandering around in parks, it’s becoming too tiring. Oh, wait! Today’s a weekday! I should visit a university today – the place that I have always wanted to go and the place that I could just dreamed about going to. The busy noises in the university welcomed me. I heaved my breath, it feels good to be around students. Their energy is young and vibrant. It’s going to be a healing day for me, I guess. Let me suck all those positive energies, kids! Oh, have I mentioned this one? I don’t really recall, but I’ll just say it again. My age is not synced with how I look. I stopped aging at a certain point in my life, I just don’t really remember when and how. But this is not the time to worry about that, I have to find someone to spy on.  I skipped my feet happily as I looked for my prey. Or not? Not really a prey, because I am not someone to be considered as a perpetrator. Tee-hee. I just need to find an interesting kid that I would be following around for the next few hours. I passed by the library and decided to see what’s inside. There’s not that many humans. They’re probably in class by this time, right? I’ll look around here first. I might find the book that I have wanted to read. One time, when I was riding a bus, I was beside some girl reading a book and as a nosy lady, I read with her during the ride. It was an interesting story! But sadly, she got off the bus at the next stop. On the other hand, I was able to take a glimpse of the book cover. I go over and over the sections of the library. They say that books are supposed to have a distinct smell but too bad I can’t smell a hint of these books no matter how hard I sniff on it. Frustrating! I looked up at the ceiling and yelled. “Can’t you just let me have this sense for a second?!” My hands instinctively found its way to my mouth, covering it, while eyeing the few humans inside the library. I ran to the last section of the library and finally found the book. Yay! I was about to reach for it when I stopped my hands before I could even have a hold of it. I don’t want to disappoint myself even more, so let’s just forget about it. It’s not like I would be able to borrow it anyway. I stepped out of the library and went upstairs. There were numbers on the top of each door. This must be the classrooms, I thought. Which door should I enter? I am having a hard time contemplating on what door to choose. As if these humans would treat me as a reward. I rolled my eyes. Let’s just have it this way. The door that would open first would be the door that I would enter. I sat on the floor as I patiently waited for a door to open. Let’s just have the humans decide for me, I’m tired of thinking anyway.  After a few minutes of waiting, a door has finally opened. A girl emerged from the door and went through me as I was excitedly waiting for the perfect moment to go inside the room. I suddenly felt like I was stabbed a million times and fell on the floor. I feel weak. The feeling lingers for just about a minute but it feels like I’m dying. When I felt better, I got up on my knees and entered the room. The students are jotting down notes as the professor is discussing something. Okay! Time to find my little distraction from my burden! I stood beside the professor as I scanned the four-sided room, looking for someone interesting. My eyes landed on a guy at the back wearing an eyeglass with his hair down. I was amazed by his physique for a moment. I watched him as he wrote in his notebook, still in awe. He is my type! He finally looked up and we made eye contact. I immediately looked away. Oh, wait! Why do I have to look away? Isn't one of the advantages of my situation is being able to look at someone without getting caught? I laughed at myself as I slowly turned my head to look back at the guy again. My breath hitched when I saw that his eyes were still on me. Or is he looking at my back, on the blackboard? I tried to move around the classroom front, trying to dodge his gaze. But to my surprise, he is still looking straight at me, straight into my eyes. What on earth is happening? Can he really see me?