Crying is a Privilege

Chapter 4: Opening Up

Irvin and I stepped out of the classroom, both of us smiling shyly. I have this little feeling in my tummy that I can’t explain when he told me that he'd give it a try. Aside from being delighted, something inside me seemed to have been awakened. I stayed on Irvin’s back as we walked. I don’t want to ruin this moment. I must be extra careful or else I’ll have to stay here for the night again. My thoughts were halted when he stopped walking and pulled the door. “I’ll be studying. Don’t interrupt me and just sit here,” he said nonchalantly as he placed his bag on the table far from where the humans are in the library. I nodded my head and gave him a small smile as I sat on the chair. I just sat there and watched him go through each shelf of books. He walked back to our table, empty-handed.

“What book are you looking for? Should I help you find it?” I offered to help when I noticed that he seemed worried. However, never in my dreams did I expect the next words that he said.

“I was just wondering if you remember the title of the book that you said you wanted to read?” Irvin said sheepishly. The atmosphere was covered with silence for a moment. I fell in great shock that he actually remembered what I said yesterday, despite the humiliation that he felt.

“Oh, no!” I answered as I waved both of my hands in front of me. “It’s okay. Don’t bother. I don’t feel like reading now, anyway. Don’t worry about me and just do what you need to do,” I smiled, then tapped the seat beside me, signaling him to sit down.

“Are you sure you don’t want to read? You might get bored later,” Irvin asked in return. I shook my head as a response and smiled at him. “If you say so,” he said, then sat on the chair beside me. He took out his notebook and some highlighters.

For about an hour or two, I just silently watched him as he read through his notes and did highlights here and there. It was a bit boring actually, but it’s better than roaming around. That just increases the possibility of someone going through my soul. I don’t want to experience that ever again. I can’t do anything here but to stare at Irvin, which gives me an opportunity to look closely at his features. He’s actually a good-looking guy. He also seems to be kind. I don’t understand why he does not have any friends around and why his classmates think he’s weird? I can’t help but to pout my lips at the thought. I rested my head on the table as I looked nowhere and continued to pout. “Are you bored?” I heard Irvin ask, which made me sit properly and look at him.

“No or maybe?” I said in defense. I looked down as I felt like I was becoming quite needy. He might be regretting his choice now. What should I do? Should I run away and hide forever? I looked up at him when I heard him chuckle. Wait, is my heart fluttering? Is this how you feel when your heart is fluttering? But I don’t think this is the right time for me to feel like this, right?

“I understand if you feel bored. In this situation, who wouldn’t be?” He said as he let out more chuckles. "I'm done studying now. Would you like to talk for a little while?"

"Of course, I do!" I squealed in happiness as I faced my body onto him. "What should we talk about? I'm open to any topic!" I added.

"Uhm… Why don't we ask each other questions? How does that sound?" Irvin suggested. I jokingly put my fingers on my chin, acting like I am deeply considering his suggestion. I smiled when he, once again, laughed. I looked around the area to see if there were other students which, fortunately, had none. So we can freely talk to each other without worrying whether Irvin would look weird, talking to no one.

"I'm in! So who should go first?" I asked when I finally agreed to his suggestion to kill time.

"I'll go first, since I was the one who suggested it. Got any problems?" Irvin answered, looking all sassy.

I laughed at him while nodding my head before I actually responded in words. "Yes, Sir!" I replied to him, then saluted.

"I assume that you already know my name because you've heard it already inside the classroom, right?" He asked, to which I just nodded, signaling him to go on with whatever he was about to ask me. "It's unfair that I don't even know your name, so would you mind telling me your name?" Irvin added.

"I don't want to tell you!" I told him cheekily, sticking my tongue out at him. When I saw him pout a bit, I couldn't help but let out a little giggle because he looked so cute and fluffy. "Okay, okay. My name's Rachel," I finally answered him when I was satisfied with making fun of him.

"Oh, you have got a pretty name, huh?" Irvin teased me. "It doesn't suit you though," he added, his lips getting stretched every second.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Whatever! It's my turn now. Since when did you have this ability to see and even touch ghosts?" I asked him, because I am really curious about how he can touch me.

"I don't really remember that much. But as far as I remember, I've been seeing them since I was in grade school, my last year in grade school. That's when I became an outcast in our class, and even in the whole school. I've been known as a weird guy, you know." Irvin chuckled softly as he looked down, fidgeting his fingers. Damn, this guy makes me a bit sad. He raised his head and met my eyes, then continued talking. "I was really scared at that time. Everywhere I looked, I could see a pale glowing entity that usually got blood everywhere. I was young and it was new for me, so every time I saw ghosts, I would scream and run away from them. That was the moment where I got branded as the weird kid by my classmates. My friends also stayed away from me because they probably thought I'd harm them or something. Am I oversharing right now? Is it starting to bore you? I'm sorry," Irvin said, looking embarrassed.

"That's," I paused. "A really sad story." I continued. I wanted to say more but it seems like my brain, if it's still working now, is still processing everything and putting my words together. "So that was the reason behind how you acted when I tried to act friendly with you. I didn't know that you had a really bad past because of ghosts. I'm sorry," I responded to Irvin after I collected my thoughts.

"I don't really mind now. I am so used to being alone now anyway. I am also used to being surrounded by ghosts, too. I started to learn to not give a damn about what other people think about me. It's my life, anyway. I can just do my thing, graduate, and live the way I want." I nodded while listening to him. "That's my plan for now. But anyway, it's my turn now. What should I ask you?" He said, looking so deep in thoughts, trying to come up with a good question to ask me. "How did you die? If that's not rude to ask?"

How did I die? Oh, right, that's a really good question. How did I die? Was I stabbed? Shot? Or was it because of an illness? A car accident? Suicide? Did I drown? Damn, I wish I could remember. "I-I don't really remember how," I stuttered, not knowing where to look.

"I'm sorry about that. Did my question make you feel uncomfortable?" Irvin asked me, looking apologetically at me. "Should I ask something else? Or would you like to stop this?"

I looked up back at him and flashed a faint smile. "I'm sorry. Did I spoil the mood?"

"No, no!" He waved his hands in front of him in defense. "Don't think that way. I might have asked a really insensitive question. You don't have to answer it. It really is okay," he smiled at me, assuring me that it's okay.

I smiled back at him. "I would love to answer you but I just can't remember," I scratched my neck. "I don't really remember much in my life before I died. All I remember is my name. I don't even remember my family and relatives. My friends? I don't remember, also." I paused and breathed heavily. "I've actually been here for two years, just wandering around. I can't go to the afterlife just yet." I looked down and pressed my lips in a thin line.

"Why is that? Aren't ghosts supposed to go either to heaven or hell after they die?" Irvin asked, completely amused and invested in this topic. Cute.

"No, it's not like that. Not like that at all." I said as I smiled at him. "We don't really know anything and we're just wandering around, going in circles every single day, not knowing where we are headed. The only clear thing is that we have to find what has been weighing inside our hearts. That's the requirement for the gates of heaven or hell to open and accept me, I think. I have to look for the reason why I am miserable and why my heart feels this heavy." I added. Irvin is frowning in front of me, looking confused.

"I'm having a little trouble understanding what you just said, I'm sorry. That's a bit complicated," Irvin responded.

"It's not just a bit. It's complicated to the highest extent."