Crying is a Privilege

Chapter 3: The Deal

“Hi, Irvin!” I greeted him as he entered the room from where I first saw him yesterday. Yay! Just as I expected, I’ll see you here again. That was quite smart of me. I was actually troubled last night, when I finally regained my energy from slumping harshly on the ground, as to how I was supposed to find him. I don’t want to find someone else anymore! I would like to try to entertain myself with someone who can see me now. Anyway, I can still feel the eerie vibe of this place last night – even though I am a ghost myself! I feel like someone will attack me any time soon. That was really terrifying, so I hid in this exact classroom until the sun rose. “Hello? Yoo-hoo! I know that you can see me, Irvin,” I told him as I waved my hand in front of his eyes. He stared at me for a second then wrote something in his notebook.

‘Can you not talk to me now? I don’t want to be ‘weirder’ than I have been yesterday. Thanks.’

“Oh, right. Sorry!” I apologized, then sat on the empty chair beside him. But wait, does that mean that I could talk to him later? I could? Really? Am I getting it right? Is that what he is trying to say just now? “I–,” I was about to ask him when the professor walked inside the classroom. I saw her looking at Irvin and smiled. “I hope you’re feeling great today, Mr. Irvin,” the professor said. Irvin did not say anything and just returned the smile to his professor.

I was so bored during their 3-hour class. How can these students stick their bottoms on their chairs for 3 hell hours? Don’t they feel bored listening to lectures? Anyway, I’m thankful that it’s finally done. I watched Irvin as he shoved his things back into his bag. After fixing his things, he didn’t bother to move a bit on his chair until all his classmates were out of his – our – sight. He cleared his throat, roughly. “I don’t need to know your story. Let’s just get straight to the point. What should I do for you to leave my side?” Irvin asked me, his pair of eyes staring directly at mine. I stared back at him without the intention of responding to his question. I was dumbfounded and I couldn't seem to construct an answer, so I just stared at him, too. It was like a staring competition between him and I. I feel like I am drowning in his eyes, his gaze is hypnotizing yet it makes me feel alive. This, probably, would be my first time maintaining eye contact for quite a long time. “Care to speak?” I came back to my senses as soon as I heard his deep voice tingling in my ears.

“Oh- m-my bad,” I stuttered. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t want to look like a fool here! I refuse to be the weird one! “What were you saying again? I’m sorry, I-I didn’t really hear it clearly,” I added as I looked down, scratching my nape in embarrassment.

“I was asking about what I should do for you to leave me alone,” Irvin said, emphasizing each word. What should I answer? I didn’t really think of that. Was I supposed to leave his side after he did me a favor? Is that what other ghosts do? But that’s not in my plan. “Why can’t you answer quickly? Didn’t you approach me because you would like to ask for my help? You’re wasting my time! I have lots to do, miss,” he said as he stood up from his chair.

I grabbed the hem of his shirt. “Wait! Is that what other ghosts do?” Irvin did not respond to that and instead pressed his lips in a thin line. “Look, I don’t really intend on making you do things for me.” I paused and stood on my feet. “I just want to have someone that I could spend my time with, to help me lose track of time. Well, I don’t really have a track on time but I just want someone to keep me entertained so I would be able to set aside the weight that is heavily bagged on my chest.” I looked at him intently in his eyes to persuade him to let me stay by his side.

Irvin gaped at me. “Wow, I guess you’re worse than everybody else,” he took a step back, making me lose my grip on his shirt. “What am I to you? A clown? A toy? Why the hell should I entertain you? Why do I even have to help ghosts like you? It’s not like I am being blessed with something every time I help you. Why is everyone pestering the hell out of me?! I have been dealing with people and now I have to deal with ghosts, too?!” He screamed and fell flat on the floor, tears flowing down his cheeks. Lucky you. I don’t know why this was the first thing that I thought of as soon as I saw him crying. “What did I ever do to deserve this?” This is adding up to the weight I am feeling. I don’t like where this is heading. It’s better to get out of here or else, I’ll break, too.

I’m trying to move my feet to take a step, but I can’t. It’s like my feet have forgotten how to budge. These feet won’t move, not even an inch. This is how I knew that I just can’t leave someone crying and breaking without trying to make them feel a bit better. I sighed heavily as I sat beside him on the floor. I made no noise. I just sat there quietly, listening to his hefty sobs, patiently waiting for him to calm down. I just felt like it would be better to not talk and throw him some comforting words. Sometimes, one’s presence is more than enough. Just the thought of having someone by your side eases your heart. For humans, it could be the case. That’s what I remember. However, ghosts can’t deal with their troubles the same way as humans. Having someone to listen to your worries would also, with no doubt, lessen the pain that we experience. However, we don’t have the ability to cry. We can’t really express how hard things are for us. All we can do is just let our imaginary body take all the bullets of pain and keep on hurting inside, even though we don’t have any idea where these are coming from. We don’t know what has been weighing on our hearts, either. It is really complicated. I can’t cry no matter how heavy my heart is. I can’t cry no matter how hard I try. That’s why I have always thought that crying is a privilege that is only for humans.

The day that I got deployed as a ghost, I didn’t really get detailed instructions as to how I would spend my days. There was no specific time limit either. I was just told that I have to ascertain what has been weighing inside of my heart that keeps me from moving to the afterlife. Once I have discovered it, I would be able to go on with my afterlife. But the thing is, I don’t know where to start and what to exactly do. I have just been constantly wandering around, trying so hard to ignore the pain that inflicts my soul.

“You can comfortably express your worries with me.” I unconsciously said as I noticed that he stopped crying. “I am just a ghost anyway. What can I do with the things that you’ll be telling me, right? It’s not like I could go around and be a ‘kiss and tell’ type of human,” I smiled awkwardly at him when our eyes met. Oh, how does it feel to have your face bloated from crying? It must have been refreshing to let it all out through crying. “It could be a win-win situation for the both of us. I can listen to all your worries, be your ghost diary, and in return, just let me stay by your side. I promise that I will not interrupt you in any way possible. You’ll be the one to decide when you will talk to me and you’ll also be the one to decide regarding the duration of this whole thing,” I looked down, fidgeting my fingers. “It’s okay if you don’t want to get involved with me. I can’t force you, I know that. I understand,” I flashed a faint smile. My words were then followed by deafening silence. Seconds after seconds, minutes after minutes. I can feel my heart throbbing through my chest as I wait for his answer. I was just about to take back what I’ve said when he finally broke the silence.

“I’m in. I’ll give it a try,” Irvin said with a warm and assuring smile.