Hate Me Not

Jacko Guerra Love is still a mystery to me. How could everyone be so fascinated with that word? How could someone let themselves be a victim of that foolish feeling when all it brings is just pain, hurt and misery? Why does anyone allow themselves to be ruined by that emotion? Why does everyone believe that love is true when it is just a feeling that can be controlled? All i could witness is that when someone is in love they could do things beyond what mind could dictates. Who’s willing to exchange the good life to nothing. Some can go soft and willing to be an idiot just because they fall in love. They’re willing to sacrifice their lifetime dreams just to feel the momentary happiness. They are willing to trade of what they have just to give in to that temporary feeling. Even willing to break what they have built for years and gamble for no assurance. What a crazy mentality and absurd decision, right? All of these thought were my questions before because i don’t understand the reasons. I refuse to believe because there’s no logic on it, until it happen to me. Until i realize what i am into, slowly giving in to that feeling, falling in love to someone I shouldn't be coz she’s my enemy. The person who the least i think to be a part of my life. The person i hated the most and yet she was able to crept into my heart unknowingly. I am sipping a glass of red wine while looking at the tallest building in front of my building and city lights scattered that gives the luminous view of the place. If this is an ordinary day i would definitely enjoy the view in front of me but now i am not. I am still in my office not working but just thinking. At this hour I'm supposed to be at home but now i don't feel like going home. What for? When the person i long to see wasn't there. The only woman that makes me go home early wasn't at home. The only reason that makes me stay at home is not there. I could still remember what happen the other day, after i read the letter from my mom. The letter that opens my eyes to all the foolishness that i have done. The letter from my dad that explains everything what really happen back then. The letter that takes away my pain and hatred in my heart at the same time ruins me and the woman i love. "How could you do this to me mom? How could keep that secret from me when you know what i have been through?" I can't help to shed tears upon remembering those moment. It's breaking me inside because of the realization of the things i have done. “Cadley where are you?” Sigaw ko pagdating sa bahay, ang puso ko nilukob ng takot. Nagmamadali akong umuwi ng walang sumasagot sa aking mga tawag sa phone niya. I keep looking around, ang kaba ko sobrang lakas, di nawawala. Lahat ng pwede niyang pagtaguan ay binuksan ko na. Wala pa rin siya, di ko na nakikita pa. Napapaupo nalang ako sa sahig na puno ng panghihinayang, takot at pangamba kasi alam ko na ang nangyayari. I lost her at di ko alam kung saan ko siya hahanapin. May takot kasi baka nasa panganib siya. “Have you left me already? Di mo na ba natitiis ang mga panggagago ko sayo? Ang lahat ng mga masasakit na salita na binitawan ko? Ang mga pangmamahiya ko sa pagkatao mo?” Mas lalo akong nalugmok sa isiping yun, ang dami ko palang kasalanan na nagawa sa kanya. "I am hopeless i know. I already know it will happen pero pilit kong binaniwala, pilit sinisiksik sa aking isipan na di mo kayang umalis sa poder ko, because you love me. I was so gullible thinking of that." The asshole me only believes what my mind dictates. I let my hatred and pride take me wholly. Now, where it leads me? Left in the dark at di alam ang gagawin. Is it too late for me to undo my mistakes? “Where can i find you Cadley? Bakit ngayon ka pa umalis kung saan nakapasok ka na sa puso ko?” Sambit ko habang papasok ako sa kwarto niya. This room speaks all about her. Some of her things are still there but her personal things have gone. “Bakit ngayon mo ako binitawan kung saan alam ko na ang lahat, kung kailan handa na akong tanggapin ka? Kung saan handa na akong magsimula na kasama ka?” Pagsisi kong sabi as i look at her picture in the frame. Totoo pala ang sinabi nila na you will only realize the worth of the person or things when you have lost them already, when they are gone in your life. “How foolish i am for taking you for granted, for hurting you when you have suffered so much already. You don’t deserve the ill treatment you got from me, never. Ni hindi mo ipinagtanggol ang sarili mo, you accepted it all kahit alam mo ang totoo." “You pay for the price of the mistakes you haven’t done. You have sacrificed so much for the accusations that you haven’t even known. I throw it all to you just for me to feel better and now i reap what i sow." As i scan her room, all i could remember is her smiles and laughter in this room. Her room is her hideaway, her solace and her witness of all the heartache she had been feeling. I knew it all coz i secretly watching her while weeping in pain. “You have a precious smile, pero pilit mong itinatago kasi nagagalit ako kapag nakita ko yun. You have a bubbly personality but you tried to hide it away just because i don't like your ways. Seeing you smiling hated me so much. I don’t want to see you happy just because i am in pain, but it’s also your smile that healed me." The smile that captivates me every time but i tried to hide it away. “Cadley baby, please come back, come back to me.” Pakiusap kong sabi while looking at her pictures habang hinahaplos ko ito. All the pictures that hang in the wall speak of her self. She turns into a lovely woman from being a cute kid. I witness how she blossom as the years go by. How beautiful alluring woman she is. I am so clouded with hatred and pain na nakakalimutan ko na maging makatao, being fair sa lahat ng tao. Ngayon ko lang narealize kung gaano ako kagagago. Kung gaano ko siya nasaktan, not physically maybe but emotionally. I am breaking her inside, making her feel less of a woman, treating her like a trash." "I am sorry for hurting you, i do it intentionally to get back at you, to make me feel better but every time i do it to turns back twice fold in me. I feel the hurt more whenever i see you crying in pain." “I am too late for my repentance? Wala na bang pag-asa na maipakita ko sayo ang pagsisi ko?” Bulong ko sa aking sarili as i let the longing sink in to my whole being. "No, i won’t let you go that easy. Hahanapin kita kahit saan ka pa magtago. Ibabalik kita kung saan ka dapat. If i need to use my money and connection gagawin ko para makita lang kita uli. If i need to beg you for forgiveness then i am going to do it." Now that i found love and happiness di ko papayagan na mawala lang ito na parang bula. I will not let myself be lonely again. It’s been years i have living with that, lonely, in pain, in hell and miserable. Now it’s time for a change, i will chase my happiness this time, whatever it takes. I promise i will see you soon.