A Little Bit Of Your Smile

“Anxiousness brought me into doubting myself Delays caused me to breakdown into tears I isolated myself in a shelf I felt like I was wounded with the sharp edge of a sphere.” I have a lot of thoughts for 2020. A lot of plans and working out to resolve every heavy battles that was caused by the wrong choices I made. Building the foundation of my own empire and getting deeper with my relationship with God. Everything was already polished and processing smoothly until something happened. A monster came out of the blue and caused chaos all over the world. All places became a ghost town. It was like the start of apocalypse. No one was allowed to move. No vehicles outside the city highway. Every plan was destroyed like tearing the papers into tiny pieces. The blueprint of supposed a near to achieve goals became zero. All of a sudden the emptiness that I felt for so long was triggered. I felt like all the brain cells I had stopped functioning. I didn’t know what to do. I was living independently for how many years and trying to figure things out on my own. For so long, I felt alone and it made me stand by myself. I used to keep my struggles inside without anyone knowing. I thought I can do it. But…… I was wrong. Every day was a crying night. My heart was breaking. My heart was so dry and it caused the brokenness to be so deep that I cannot even explain. The heart that was refilled was again empty. There was so much chaos inside me. The battle was real. The emotions were fighting to conquer the empire and dominate the whole me. How can I even stand up again after the destruction that was made by this uncontrollable event? Everything just suddenly stopped. I was unable to eat. I thought it could be better if I can just sleep the whole period of time and when I will wake up, everything will be back to normal. If this is a manmade monster, how can they be so cruel with the people? Are they still humans? Did they even consider their own family’s lives? These were supposedly my questions but I cannot even think of what was really happening. There is no one to blame about what is really happening. The scenario that we are facing is something that is beyond our understanding. My uncertainties for the future became a wider hole that a single step will make me fall. I was holding the edge of the tiniest branch. A little more move and I will be gone. But, I am not prepared yet. I am not prepared of giving up. I was just scared. Scared of what tomorrow will bring. I spent my days staying at the rooftop at night looking up at the sky and trying to connect all the stars that I can see. I was like a binocular and a treasure hunter at times looking if there was at least one star that my eyes can catch. If the stars and the moon have ears, I will share all the words that my mind can think until it will be drained. If they can even speak, what will they say? They might say that they serve as the light in the darkness. When the world is covered with darkness, they are the only bright things that we can find. “Depression is the biggest battle I think, Thousands of people feel hopeless in every blink. But this is what my heart’s desire, That we will pull everyone out of fire.” Pandemic, you caused trouble to people. You delayed dreams, careers, you fired most of the employees, and you starved many. You made the world stop in just a single strike. Did you ever care to those homeless, to those children who were abandoned, to those prisoners, and to those who are depressed? You hurt a lot of people and you don’t even care. Why? Why did you appear when all what you can do is to leave a mark to people and a trauma of the future? You are so cruel. This period, I want to hug someone and just cry until I will get tired. I felt so drain. I was very tired. Every day, I always ask God to please take away the pain because I can’t take it anymore. I realized that the invisible wounds were more painful than the wounds that scratched our skin. You don’t know where to put medicine. You don’t know where to start. That was what I felt. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be angry but I knew that I didn’t have the right in the first place. Was it part of the consequences of the wrong decisions that I made before? Nevertheless, I was trying hard to be positive enough to conceal what I was feeling. My mentors and my friends were advising me to take a break and go home. But, I had a strong pride to not go home if the whole empire was not yet built. I didn’t have a face to show to everyone that I stood alone. That was the pride that stopped me. That pride made me suffer more. This time, I learned to be humble in a hard way. “I hope I can be like Job Praising God from the time he came out from his mother’s womb His faithfulness even though everything was taken away All were lost in just one day.” The event was a proof that everyone can never be independent. There is always a part in our life that we need someone- a community, accountability, and most especially prayer. We need someone we can trust to release the heaviness of what we are carrying, the pains that we were keeping, the questions that are bothering our mind, someone that will encourage us to go on in life, and who will remind the hope that we have. We need someone to lean on. May it be a family, a friend, a churchmate, or even a stranger. People around me who became part of my journey were an instrument of strength for me. When I felt my own toxicity, they never left me even in a single second. They made me feel the love when I forgot to love myself. They took care of me when I didn’t know how to take care of myself. They believed in me when I can’t even believe myself. They pushed me hard and fight the battle with me. Through them, I realized that I am a princess warrior. I got a sword and armor. I am fighting with my commander leading me. We are fighting against all of the lies and confusion I had. I just obey what He says because I believe that He knows how to win the victory. I trust in Him when I am fighting with doubts. I hear His voice clearly saying, “Irish, I am here with you. Keep moving forward. We already claim the victory.” For that, when I felt so heavy and near to give up the fight, He helped me stand up again and finish the battle. “I saw Your hands holding me, This year is tough as everyone can see. But thank You Lord for You are the key, Of everything that I can be.” For so long, I was used to sacrifice myself and think about the needs of others first until I became empty. The season made me realized that I no longer have anything to squeeze because the container is already empty. I no longer have something for myself. I was not able to store something for the emergencies. This opened my eyes to the truth that loving yourself is not bad at all. Self-love is not being selfish. Instead, it is filling the cup in order for us to have something to give to others. I learned to value every little thing that I had. The worth of those things that I overlooked when everything was fine. These are the things that I never cared because of every busy day. I forgot to enjoy every single second because of the hustles. I walked fast without enjoying every step. I even forgot the value of rest and of sleep. Every day, I was busy planning for the future without even valuing the present. This time, God let me experience all of these more. My wholeness doesn’t depend on the things that I can do and the validation of what others can give. Little by little, my worth as a person became clearer though I still have reservations. I am working on it. I still feel the pain but I was trying my best to give it up to God. Maybe that was because of my high expectations to myself and replaying all the mistakes that I had from the past. There were things that I couldn’t let go that cause me to not move forward. “This time, I depend on you, I don’t have any control in my life’s cue. I am unsure of what tomorrow will bring, You know everything for You are the King.” Instead of dwelling from the dim light, I chose to look and focus in a light that I saw. I started to be thankful with every little thing I had. After those silent nights and no communication with people, I was able to interact with them through video calls and voice calls. I thought of something to start in order for me to be productive. I kept myself busy even when most thought that the world already stopped. The wider view and understanding of the world was deeper to me when I focus on the Word. Through this, I started taking care of myself. I ate on time, I sleep not that late, I wake up with a smile on my face, and I started my day thanking God for the hope He fuels in my heart. I started enrolling in courses that I want to take. I became wiser despite of the negative things I was facing. I stopped overanalyzing the things that was happening and I decided to let everything flow naturally. I started to write down all my goals and my prayers. Writing down in my journal became part of my therapy to bring inner peace in me. I shutdown from the noise of the world and focus on what the Lord was leading me. I chose to obey even when it hurts the most. I chose life over darkness. “You are the One that I will always choose, In you I got nothing to lose. You are not just who I need I want You even when I was just a seed.” I realized that every teardrop I had was actually a blessing in disguise. A blessing to release the darkest emotions that I had and the heaviness of the baggage I was carrying. Through this, I can be a blessing to other people. It may not be in material things but lending myself to carry their burdens, to listen with their stories without judging them, and to journey with them until their breakthrough. My heart was burning with passion to love others no matter who they are and listen to their screams. There are people who never gave up on me, encouraged me, and prayed for me. Even in a long distance call, I felt the sincerity and the love they shared to me despite of the dark clouds that dominated my mind. This experience of love that I felt from the selfless people I know is the heart that I also want to share with other people. I stopped putting some reservations to myself and let everything flow on how God planned it to be. I learned to accept the love even though I don’t feel like I deserve it. This gave me the desire to love others genuinely. From waking up with a heavy burden each day to waking up like surrounded by blooming flowers in a garden while the sunrays touch my skin was a big transformation I felt. I was completely healing from the wounds I was unable to cure. I stopped looking around of the medicine that will heal me because I already accepted the healing that was offered to me for so long. When the battle becomes intense I learned to put down my sword and kneel down as I trusted the commander of every warrior. “I know You already won the victory, You made me stopped feeling so sorry. From those kneeling down I learned to stand up, From those pains I learned to depend on above.” The pandemic has so many things to offer. Let’s talk about the positive side of it despite of the panic and trauma it caused to the hearts of people. It taught us to be kind and generous in some ways that flows in our inner being. Everyone has kindness to give to each other. At the same time, we become generous of the things that we have. I can attest to it because I experienced it when all my bank accounts went zero and lost the job that kept me survived for so long while studying. At that time, I was unable to pay my house rent for how many months and even asked God what will I do. I was imagining that I will be kicked out of the house and didn’t know where to stay. Though I had friends who were so good to me, I didn’t have the guts to tell them what I was going through. All of a sudden, one of a person sent money to my bank account. I only met that person twice and shared the faith and talked about life. What she said touched my heart that God impressed in her heart to send finances to me. I knew that it was God. I knew that when I trust in Him, He will not let me down. He took care of me all along. The danger of living independently for how many years and the thought of you can do everything alone was losing the ability of asking help whenever it’s needed and embarrassed of asking someone to listen to you. Even asking God to help me was so hard. I felt like I didn’t have the right because at some point in my life, I compromised. But, He made me feel that never in my whole existence that His love was lessened. Neither the deepest ocean nor the worst calamity will stop Him from loving me. “Every day I always ask, What are your plan and my task You separate me from the worldly lust, And in You I’m not outcast.” No turning back. No more dwelling of what’s left behind. No more replaying of yesterday. No more unforgiveness. No more self-pity. No more doubts. No more pleasing people. No more staying in the things that makes me stops living. All of these things, I imagined writing it down in pieces of paper one-by-one and putting each of them in the fire as a sign of letting go. I loosen the grip of what was done and I chose to receive what God has in store for me. And now, I am free. I am free from the lies of the enemy and the bravery to stand up and fight against it. I became courageous to finish the obstacle run no matter how hard it is. I stopped complaining of the unfairness of the world. At times that was attacked by anxiety, I prayed a lot because I know that He is only a prayer away. I envisioned myself wrapped with His arms. He carried me and corrects me to prepare me for a great future that He already drew. My life is a life full of impactful event. I don’t want to keep it to myself so I decided to share it with the people around me and someday, with the whole world. The understanding of being the light became deeper. I am imperfect but loved. I hope everyone will realize it as well. We might do mistakes and wrong decisions in our life but always remember that He still gives His 100% love. If there is a heavenly mathematics, we can’t calculate it with the Math formulas that we know or can’t measure it through the scientific methods that we learned. Nothing compares to the things that God is doing but I am secured that this is an amazing journey. This event might be a plan to bring us home because me, I found myself back home. “This pandemic season I found myself home, It feels like angels are cheering in a big dome. Every day is a message of hope Despite of the pains we cope.” So this is the message of pandemic. Being brave and selfless as many people need a kind heart to make each moment lighter. For them to see that there are still people who care and will never judge anyone. This is the test of faith. Until when can we be faithful? Can we stand the hurts and worries that we are feeling? Are we ready for the change that this moment offers? We will never know the answer until this happens. Let us do the talk because if we just spill words all we want without acting on it, I think this makes as empty can creating noises. If someone longs for a mother heart, let us offer this heart to them. If anyone longs for a sister, let us be a sister to them. If anyone longs for father, let’s hug them with that father heart. It’s never easy to be alone this season. People need love. People are being emotional and someone might be breaking down now. Let’s be an instrument of saving lives. Through this, we are honoring Someone up there. Let’s journey with their healing process and to not stop praying for them. Let’s choose to lift at least one person a day. You’ll never know that change that will happen in just one single leap of faith. “Let’s lift each other up in every way, Encourage someone everyday. Let’s always listen on what God says, Remember that we are molded from the clay.”