Together Forever

Over the course of my life I spoke with a colourful culture of people. I listened to their stories. I was fascinated with their adventures tales, often finding myself living in that moment. The moment where their story became reality. Their words inspired many; all the while I kept silent. Listening. Pondering. I thought to myself “what will people say? Will they listen to my story? Could they ever understand? Will they believe it? Will they….?” This is my story and as any other, it finds it’s origin through someone who was willing to tell it. Someone writing about the events that transpired in the not so distant past; well at least it feels like not too long ago. Sometimes it’s astonishing to see how quickly time really goes by. You find yourself busy with an ideal or a goal, but before you know, time moved forward and you are only left with the memories of something that once was. Happy memories from a time where youth made you feel that anything was possible. A more simpler time, where having no worries lightened the heavy load of life. Today is a special day, my grandson is getting married to a lovely girl. Oh, young love! It’s one of those days that a grandparent only dreams of witnising. Finding that one person who makes you happy, all the time, is difficult. That feeling of being complete; feelings of being whole. When you are truly in love with someone it feels as if you’ve found a part of your soul which has been missing for far too long. Being in love can often be misguided by false intentions or overpowering emotions, yet I’ve asked him and he is sure of his choice. Seeing them all so happy brings back a flood of memories from my own youth. It is a sight that warms an old heart. I’ve been ill for the past few months, making a miraciles return just before death itself, but I still feel that darkness linguiring within me. No matter what the doctors say, I can still feel it choking the life from me, one day at a time. Even though nobody wants to talk about it, I can see the concern in their eyes and they do not hide it well from their expressions. What else is there that make people so uncomfortable in your prescence than death itself? The pity in their eyes is often too much to bear. It’s the natural course of life and no matter what; there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change that. No money or power can keep you from that one enevitable end. That day when you prepare yourself to take account of the life that you’ve lived. One thing that you will have to endure, when you’re facing the end is the choices you’ve made throughout your life. Was it all worth it? Did it make your life worthwhile? I must confess, today, that some choices I made were not always correct, some even cruel, but I do not have any regrets, well…. What I did and how I’ve lived, I did for a reason, even if there where many hardships to endure. Will I do it again? Perhaps. If I knew back then what I’ve learned by now, perhaps not. At the end, whatever I did, I was the one that had to live with it for the rest of my life. I’ve had to face the deamons that haunted me – that still haunts me. No one will ever be able to fully comprehend what it is that I’ve experienced. None will understand the darkness behind that cold and distant appearance – broken. For me to still be in the land of the living is a huge acomplishment on its own. I never thought that I would have made it until here, today. As I sit at the old desk in my room, the morning light falls on my face, the heat from the sun is a reminder that this is not a dream. I am still alive. Hearing the voices moving through the house echoing, provokes deep thoughts from old memories. I can hear the excitement downstairs as everyone is preparing the last few details for the biggest happy moment this family has seen for almost two years. It has been a difficult time. One year later, I can still recall the sobbing at the funural as if it was last week. As if that was not hard enough on everyone, my condition got worse. It left the family strangled in grief. The anxiety grew greater every week. Looking towards the future and not being able to see repreive from this nightmare left most feeling hopeless. Looking down from my window above, the white tables on the bright green of the perfectly cut lawn, creates the ideal picture of what is about to happen this afternoon. I sit quietly with my own thoughts and observe as everyone is moving about to add the final details to the setting. Carefully attending to detail, ensuring this day will be one never to forget. What more do you want for a marriage? To me it’s never been what a marriage is all about. A wedding is meant to be a celebration of love. A love that you invite friends and family to give witness to. To make a promise to one another of your eternal bond, no matter if it’s good or if it’s bad times; that you will be there for one another. For some a wedding is preceived to be a social contract for legal benefits, but I’ve been a romantic at heart, ever since I can remember. Perhaps this is one of my flaws? Today, I feel proud. Proud to be a part of something so beautiful. These past few months were not something beautiful to witness. Lying in my bed, hooked up to different machines, gave everyone quite a concerning scare. The almost muted whispering was everywhere around my bed, outside the door and their eyes… Their eyes confirmed what I knew for a long time. The end is near. On the other hand, it was a perfect opportunity to reflect on my own life; that one memory of happiness, so many years ago. Between the confusion from being heavily medicated, I was fortunate to have some alone time to reflect into the deepest corners of my soul. Those dark secrets I’ve never shared with anyone since that one tragic day. That day which have haunted me for many years. The day that my life was completely changed forever and the course my life took thereafter. I had to gather all my strenght to be able to write about these memories, but it’s important to get it off my chest. I needed to tell my side of this story. I can still hear the rumbling downstairs and even if it’s a bit of a destraction, this story is something that I need to share with you. It all started many years ago, if I remember correctly it will be fourty two years ago, next month. It all began when youth promised a wonderful journey for my bright new future to start. A future happily filled with the promise of endless possibilities…