How do you survive in this world?

I never asked to come into this world and the more I get older I wish I was never in it. Imagine finding out when you was six months old your mum was going out and getting high when you’re in a car seat in the back, you probably want that to be the worse thing but sadly it’s not. My mother had me when she was 16 and my dad was 21, now when I was 16 and 21 I was fully committed to my education and working whilst also trying to entertain a social life, I couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like having kids at that age. My mother was never hands on with me, I was raised by my grandmother who to this day is my absolute rock, but if you heard my mum talk about her she was never any help and was always after money! Sad thing is my mum and my auntie literally spent all of her money and left her with nothing, but that’s for later. I don’t think I have any nice memories with my mum one on one, if you looked at pictures you would think she was the best mum but it was all fiction. She was so focused on having a man in her life that a daughter was inconvenient, more times I used to hear her and other men when I was about three is disgusting, I know she was young but surely your child’s needs must come first. When I was five she met someone that was more than willing to take me on as his own, he took me everywhere with him, and drove a van on nights which I used to go with him and would sing all night, get food and then stop for a hot chocolate before returning home the next morning, I remember it like it was yesterday. Their wedding day was beautiful, I remember my white and red dress and felt like a real princess, she had a horse and carriage which I needed to go in and she didn’t mind that day. Two days later I had ruined her day by trying to be “the centre of attention” I couldn’t believe she was saying this to me and I also didn’t understand at that point I was five! We lived across the road from my grandma and I would always be over there, not for any reason other than she didn’t want me in the house. My grandma fed and watered me and I think she asked my mum for some money as she was taking it out of her own pocket, she worked full time as nurse, where my mum only worked part time in a shop and was claiming benefits, but she said no and this caused an argument and I didn’t see my grandma for a couple of weeks. In my mums house there was hardly anything for me to eat or drink. If I asked for anything it was “you’ll have to wait until dinner” but I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch, I used to throw up regularly and was always shouted at for it, but I was just really hungry. So you can probably imagine my happiness when I was allowed to my grandmas again. When I was about 7 we got a computer, which sounds really daft but it was when they first come out and you was lucky to have one, I used to love playing Art Attack on it, would spend hours just making pictures, deleting them and then making more. I went home one morning and mum was sat there and you could see she was angry like really angry, and I was trying to talk to her and she just didn’t respond. She printed a load of pages off and went flying upstairs to my step dad, screamed at him “get up now and get downstairs” he’d been on nights so he looked a bit disoriented when he came downstairs. Mum turned around to me and said “daddy’s been having an affair” with this look of hatred in her eyes. My stepdad come down and said he’d never kissed her or slept with her but admitting to going for drinks, she threatened to call the police I can’t remember what for, but my step dad picked up the phone and launched it across the living and screamed “call the police then” I started to cry and went upstairs. A few minutes later my mum came up and told me to go back to my grandmas, as I walking downstairs my step dad said “please don’t hate me Jac” mum instantly stopped him and said “don’t you dare talk to her, you’re not her dad” and I left. An hour later my mum came to my grandmas and said “he’s gone, I’m done and I don’t want another one” I roll my eyes now as I should’ve known better. A few weeks later my step dad was back and I was so happy, but it was different, it wasn’t the same family feel it was before. He had an affair again with the same woman, and this time my mum found out through a friend and cut all of his clothes up and chucked them outside, and just like that he was gone again. I felt broken, this man took me to my first ever football game, made sure I always got what I wanted all while my mum didn’t put any effort in with me. Why couldn’t she just left him and moved on? This went on for a while he’d go, he’d come back, but one day was very scary. Me, mum and my grandma went out in the morning and when we come home my grandma said to my mum “come to mine whilst he’s there” my mum said she would be fine and went into the house, not two minutes later my mum came out and was covered in bed screaming “call the police, he’s just attacked me” she had a nasty cut on her back, her hands covered in blood and looked so scared. My stepdad came down with suitcases and went towards the car, mum chased him trying to get him to stop and threatened to break the car if he left, and he wasn’t bothered, you could see he was done. The police arrived and arrested my step dad and saw the marks on her back and took him away. We drove the car over to where my grandma worked and left it there overnight so he didn’t come back to get it. So at this point I’m 8 years old and the next part to this gets so much worse, I wish I wasn’t apart of the family some days.