I Was Lost

Chapter 9

Flashback Continuation

Nandito ako sa harap ng condo ni Jin. I need someone to talk to and he's the only one I can rely on, now. I was about to ring the doorbell when it suddenly opened.

A woman, wearing only a shirt, his shirt to be specific, came into view. I don't know why but I suddenly didn't feel well. A different feeling ani I don't like it.

" Nandiyan si Jinan?" Despite the shock, I still looked for the reason why I'm here.

" Ah si Jinan?" She leaned on the door. Probably telling me I'm not welcome.

" Sabi niya kapag may dumating, sabihin ko raw na wala siya."

" So, uhm, nandiyan siya sa loob? Pakisabi nandito si Louise."

Napahinto siya nang marinig ang pangalan ko at napangisi kalaunan.What's with her?

" Ikaw pala si Louise. Well, I don't know if you need to hear this, but I overheard him yesterday saying, he doesn't want anything to do with you." She bluntly said.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit but I felt a pang in my chest. Is it pain or disappointment? I don't know. All I know is that, what I am feeling right now, is sucking the air out of my lungs.

Because of my reaction, she had a triumphant smile in her face. Like she gained what she wanted.

I struggled to keep myself calm. Hindi dapat ako magpa-apekto, kailangan ko munang kausapin si Jin.

"Mauuna na ako." Sabi ko bago siya talikuran at nagsimulang maglakad papaalis.

Hindi pa ako ganun kalayo nang tinawag niya ako.

"If you want to see him, he'll be here tonight!"

Nilingon ko siya para tanungin kung gaano siya kasigurado, pero ang naabutan ko na lamang ay ang nakasarang pinto ng kwarto.

With a heavy heart I went home, and decided to come back this evening. Hoping that maybe, I can see him. And, talk.

Hindi ko pa nabibisita si Lien sa ospital. One of the reasons is that, I can't face Dylan's wrath. The other one is guilt. Fear.

Napasabunot ako sa sarili. Why did I do that? I'm not like that, what is happening to me?

Lumaki akong kasa-kasama si Dylan. I was always alone before, until two boys approached me, and the rest is history. We were bestfriends you see?

Everything changed when Lien came. It's like he ignored me. Ang nakikita niya lang ay si Jilien. Bukambibig niya si Jilien. I was jealous, and I believed that that jealousy is all because I love him and Lien is the witch who's taking him away.

Simple lang ako noon, I don't dress up or anything. But, I changed myself, hoping Dylan would see me. Nothing, nothing happened, mas lumala lang ang pagkahibang niya kay Lien.

Then, another problem came Ji— I think you know who he is in my life by now— can't take my obsession. Palagi niyang pinapakita sakin na okay lang kahit wala si Dee, and I'd always find reasons to have him in my life. Until one day, 'di niya na kinaya. He confessed, and told me he loves me. For a long time now. As I remember now, I felt happy that time, my heart felt warm. Pero isinawalang-bahala ko iyon. Anger mustered over me. Galit na hindi ko alam kung saan, para kanino, bakit?

I shouted at him, asking him what the heck he's saying. That I love Dee. When I saw him in pain, I want to take back what I said but i don't know what got over me that I just let him be.

Akala ko nga aalis na siya, na iiwanan niya na ako. 'Cause I just hurt him, for Pete's sake! But no, he stayed. I can still remember what he said that time.

"I know. I did not tell you in the hopes of loving me back. I just want you to understand that loving someone doesn't need answers. You just love."

Hindi ko iyon isina-isip. I was thinking maybe he just said that 'cause he knows I can't love him back?

Despite of the rejection, Jin stayed. He would scold me from time to time but he stayed. That's why I can't believe what Kelly said. I have to ask him myself.

Seven, in the evening, I arrived at Jinan's place. I'm still at my car at the parking lot. Akmang lalabas na ako ng sasakyan nang mamataan ko si Jinan na papanhik na. I went out of the car and walked towards him. I was about to call him when a girl ran to hug him. Kelly.

But that can't stop me. I'm jus meters away from them. Tatawagin ko na sana siya nang marinig ko ang usapan nila. Napahinto ako. Nagtago ako sa gilid nang sasakyan but I noticed that Kelly took a glimpse at me. She knows I'm here.

"K-Jin! I missed you." Jin just laughed. Hindi ko sila makita. The cars glass is lightly tinted, there's the darkness, and only a little light. Well exept that, I didn't really look.

" Nandito si Louise kanina. Hinahanap ka."

" Stop joking with me, Kelly." Matagal bago siya nakasagot.

" Well, she was." She said as a matter of fact.

" Let's stop this talk about her, okay?"

What?

" But, Jin, she was—" All I heard was murmurs, he might've covered her mouth.

" I said stop talking about her—"

With that, I left. Nagmamadali akong umuwi, pinipigilang umiyak, to no avail.

That was only a light talk, but it got me thinking. Maybe, Kelly was right. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I stayed in my house for a month. Lumalabas lang kapag kinakailangan. I was depressed, devastated. I don't have anyone to talk to. They're the only friend I have. I don't even have a job 'cause by the time I graduated, I dedicated all my time for Dylan. My parents are the ones supporting me. Gusto ko mang umuwi, but I can't. I'm ashamed.

In those days, I spent every time, regretting what I did. Until I decided, to face everything. Walang mangyayari kung patuloy akong magkakaganito..

I went to Dylan's. Hindi ko na inisip ang magiging reaksiyon niya, I just want to ask for forgiveness. Fortunately, he wasn't home, only Lien was there. Her tummy's a little big now.

Nang makita ko siya, I immediately asked for forgiveness. Umiyak ako. Luluhod sana ako nang hawakan ako ni Lien sa magkabilang balikat. I closed my eyes, ready for what she will do, only to find myself in her arms. Hinahagod niya ang likuran ko.

" It's fine now."

"I'm sorry"

" You see, Rae. I wanted to understand your chase for Dylan, 'cause who wouldn't? A person in love can do things beyond what we can imagine, but I can't. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit, bakit ka naghahabol sa hindi mo naman mahal? I'm glad you're awake now."

That's what she told me. When she told me that same thing in the past, I didn't understand her. I tried to but I couldn't. Now, I do.

After that talk, umuwi ako at nag-empake. I decided. Uuwi ko sa magulang ko. Tell them I'm sorry, for all the wrong decisions that I made. Then, I would start anew. Now, hopefully, with the right choices. With God.

I told Lien about it 'cause I know he'd tell Dylan. While, Jinan. Hindi ko kinayang magpakita sa kaniya. I just watched him from afar and bid my goodbye through the wind. Hoping he could hear it.

"If we'll see each other again, I hope you can have me."