All Night

The sun and the moon

Toni

I can see how she's looking at his dead body. She's still shaking and crying but I doubt that she’s aware of it. The first time is always the hardest. She'll get used to this.

I would've shot him anyway, even if she wouldn't have been here. I couldn't risk seeing that sparkle in her eye. The regret. Even if it was only for a second. I was afraid she would get weak, when he said thy he still loves her. I lost my mind, when he did that but I forgot how strong she actually is and that she is not stupid. She wouldn’t fall for him again. I really didn't expect her to be so calm. I thought she'd scream and freak out but obviously she hated him more than I expected. Another reason why I'm happy I killed him. This was something personal and I just couldn't let him live. I feel relieved and she will too. It’ll just take some time.

Of course she's afraid. She didn't want me to do it and I can understand it but she needs to let go and I’ll make her forget about him.

Well, that was a very interesting comeback. I didn't expect this to happen, as soon as I would come back.

I thought we’d relax and hang out first but if she can breathe without feeling him in his neck now, then I'm fine.

Even if this might seem like the wrong decision right now, she'll realize that it was the right thing very soon. She needs some time.

I grab her hand and pull her out of his room and his house. We have enough people who can handle this and make it look like he killed himself. Nobody will know that it was me. Even if anybody finds out about it, nobody will find out that she was with me and that’s the most important thing.

We get in my car and leave as fast as we came... I know exactly that she's going to have a mental breakdown, as soon as we're back. I know she won't be able to hold herself back and I'll try my best to comfort her. She cried so much today. I know in what kind of situation I put her in but I don't regret it. She had to go through this and I believe that this was easier than being with him.

When we arrive, she can barely move. She's frozen and shocked. I pick her up and carry her upstairs, on my arms. When I let her on the ground, after I lock the door, she bursts out in tears. She looks at me.

I can still see how guilty she feels. She made this look easy for her but I can't even imagine what she must feel right now.

This was too much for her and maybe I shouldn't have taken her with me… This is messed up and now that I killed him and calmed down, I can see things a little better. I just need her to be strong.

She looks so tiny and so broken. I should wash the blood off my knuckles first but when she says “Thank you.” with a broken and raw voice, I just can't help but pull her into a close and tight hug. I forget about my bloody knuckles. I was asking myself what she was thinking and feeling and hearing that from her makes me feel relieved. It make some feel good.

She keeps sobbing into my chest…

This night was really hard for her. I shot the guy she once loved. For a second I thought she would actually hate me and regret this forever.

“I hate him so much!” she screams into my chest and I smile. That’s right. That's good…

Lucille

I don't regret anything.

I thought about it during the ride.

Maybe it was him, who killed this side of me that would usually never let something like this happen or get weak for him. The side that went through all these other things that I’m going through since I'm here but I'm glad he's dead. The side that changed my whole perspective on everything.

I’m glad he’s gone. He’s not running around in my head anymore or all up in my ears and on my neck. His hands aren’t all over my body anymore.

It's only another person who left this stupid world. What's so wrong with that? I wanted him to die, now he's dead and I even got the chance to watch him die. I actually feel better. I know no human being would feel good about something like this because nobody deserves to die and nobody is this heartless but he… In my eyes he deserved it and red hood... He did this for me, without even thinking about it for a single second. He didn’t hesitate.

I'm glad he did it. I'm glad he forced me to tell him about him and where he lives. I'm glad he hurt him so much before he killed him and I'm glad he destroyed his room. I'm glad it was over so fast. I owe red hood a lot. I owe him the rest of my life that I’ll spend without Mason in the back of my head. Maybe I can finally be able to breathe again, without being afraid of having to confront him again. I can finally forget him… I can finally close this chapter in my head and concentrate on my future, knowing that he can't chase me anymore.

I know this could've been done in another way but I'm so thankful for red hood. Knowing he'll handle this makes me feel so much more comfortable. He doesn’t even know how much this all means to me and what he has done for me. He doesn’t even know what this all did to me.

He buries his face in my neck and pulls me even closer so that I have to tiptoe to wrap my arms around him.

It's finally over. I trust him and I know he'll handle this. I know he's here and he actually cares about me. He proved it and he didn’t even have to. I can feel it. What he has done for me was really risky but he didn't care. And I don't care anymore either. I don't care if he's a murderer or a psychopath. All I care about is what he has done for me. I can’t stay away from him any longer.

I love him, no matter who he is. It feels damn good to accept that I can love again. Yes, I do love him. Can you love without knowing anything bout that person? You can.

I don’t need to know his name or his age. I spend all my time with him, I know him so well. I don't think that I need to know more about him than I already do and you can call me crazy because I fell in love with him but that's okay because we both are crazy. None of us is in the right state of mind.

I don't need to rush things. I can keep it to myself and go slow. He doesn’t need to know about it. He's the only one that I have. The only one who is always there for me. It doesn't even matter, if I'm a victim of the Stockholm syndrome. It’s a pleasure, if he’s the one I’m loving...

“I've already told you once, that you wouldn't have to be afraid or deal with anything as long as I'm with you…” he quietly says and that's true. He did that. He’s right.

When he said that; I thought about other things but now I know what he means and my heart gets soft.

My tears try, while he’s still holding me. I don’t know how long it will take me to get myself back together but I’m sure it won’t take too long.

This is my life now.

He's not a part of it anymore.

He never existed…

Mason is dead and it's over. Theres no need to cry over it.

Red hood slowly lets me go and wipes away the tears under my eyes, with his thumbs. I still can't look into his eyes properly. I'm sure that will take me a lot of time…

“Look at me…” he whispers and I try but I can’t... “Now you know who I really am. I have a dirty past…” I say and try to look down but he makes me look at him. He gently grabs my fave and makes me look at him.

“You’re so young. I don’t see that as a past. It doesn’t count at all. You’re not dirty, you’re pure. Now look at me…”

I look into his eyes. I've never felt comforted this quickly. He's not looking at me like he's judging me. He's not looking like he's mad or he's disappointed in any way. As if nothing happened an hour ago.

He looks at me like I’m clean. Like I’m pure and real…

“You are the strongest girl I've seen in my life. I'm not saying this to make you feel better. You faced what you've been afraid off for so long.” he says and I swallow... Tears are coming back.

“I don't want to hear you call yourself stupid, weak, naive, childish or anything else ever again.” he’s serious. My chin starts shaking. He doesn’t even know how much his words mean to me.

“You are a strong survivor. You did what other girls couldn't do.” he sounds so soft and so lovely. How does he manage to make even the worst moments better?

“Please don't sympathize with me…” my voice is shaking. He shakes his head with a little smile on his lips.

“You know me. I never sympathize with people…” he says and I can't help myself but quietly laugh. And I slowly begin to believe him. He's right with so much. I fought for so long. I've gone through so much s**t and so many situations that made me feel uncomfortable and I still keep fighting. Always. I do so much and he's with me. That gives me even more strength.

“I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I only want everything to get better. I feel like I'm always making the same mistake…” I say and he shakes his head and closes the little space between us. It feels good to be so close again.

“You will never feel like that again. We'll change some things and I promise you everything will get better from now on.” he says and I don’t know exactly what he means but I trust him and I’m happy about it. He makes me think positive.

“Is it bad that I feel good about his death? Am I an awful person?” I ask because I’m not sure about my thoughts on this topic and I need his help. He smiles softly and puts his hand on the back of my head. “You’re not. You’re human.” he answers and I let out the breath I’ve been holding in all night.

“Can you please… Not leave me?” I ask and his look changes.

Toni

She's asking me to not leave her again. She wants me to stay with her. I told capo I would stay away from her… I can't be with her all the time anymore but I'll try my best to see her as much as I can. She needs me. We ripped her away from her home, from her family,

I've treated her bad, not knowing that some morherfucker r***d her and I started feeling something for her. How am I supposed to leave her? I could never. I need her too...

“I could never.” I admit and she wraps her arms around my neck again. I pull her closer by her waist and take a deep breath. Right now I can’t even understand how I could be so mean to her all the time.

Things between us will never have a name. We won’t label it but maybe it's good like this. We should stay like this.

“Want another tattoo?” I ask, totally out of context and she looks at me, totally confused. “Now? I don't think that I can do this, after-…” I cut her off. “You can. What did I say? There's nothing you can't do. And what happened? I don't know what you're talking about.” I say and she smiles. It’s a honest smile. She feels better. I love that smile.

She nods.

I wasn't lying with what I said. I won't let her feel any of these bad feeling again. From now on, we'll start all over again. She's going to be fine. I'll manage that. I know she can't resist me and I won't use that or take advantage of her. I know it'll take me a lot and I'll have to fight and go through war but its worth it. I'll figure it out.

A few months ago I wouldn't have cared about s**t but she changed me so much.

Lucille

We decide to get the same tattoo. It's not like a couple thing. It's more like a memory. Something that we lived and done together. It doesn't have anything to do with what happened but it's something that defines us. I get a little moon and he gets a little sun. It makes me happy. Really happy.

I don’t understand how he’s doing this. He makes me forget about things so fast. He distracts me and makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel newborn. It must be his unique character.

Sometimes I'm really thankful that he forces me to do stuff. If he wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t get to do anything. He makes me get over so much that it's not a problem anymore and he teaches me to not care or break my head about stuff that shouldn't bother me. I'm thankful for him. Even though our beginning wasn't that nice, I always knew he would be different.

Everything between us happened really fast, after Mason. So fast that I was overwhelmed. I was afraid but now I'm sure. I tried my best to not feel too much for him but I can’t hold myself back any longer.

He made me feel things that I forgot I could feel… I feel like I could actually let him in...

When we drive back home, I already feel better.

Toni

I already called somebody who would handle Mason's dead body and the rest. Of course capo found out about it immediately and wanted me to tell him what happened, so I lied and said it was somebody who talked too much. Something personal that I needed help with and he didn't ask more. He believed me. Thankfully.

I'm doing things that will upset him. I'm lying to him and he probably won't trust me ever again after this because it's really hard to get his trust but I think it's my turn to do something for myself.

We walk up to her room and before I can even say something or do anything, she lays down and falls asleep. She's too exhausted tonight. Feeling so many emotions at once can be really exhausting. Seeing her ex die can be exhausting. But I'm really proud of how she handled that. I thought she would regret it and hate herself or me forever but it turned out completely differently. I love how she handles things and how she always manages to surprise me.

This is weird.

I should go home, instead of thinking about everything that happened but I can't hold myself back from thinking about her. I really should go home and with home I mean home and not to my mom. I don't care if Grayson comes back.

We're living in two different worlds. I like my world and if I'm lucky, then I don't have to see him while he's here.

I can't go back. I told her I wouldn't leave. She fell asleep because she feels safe now. I don't want to take that feeling away from her. It feels amazing to be able to let somebody feel safe. I don't think that I'll ever get enough of this feeling or her…