All Night

Girls only say “I hate you” to the guys that they love

Toni

I can see the tears rolling down her cheeks and I don't know if I should just stop the car or keep driving to distract her. I have no clue what to do right now.

I'm not good in comforting crying girls. Or anyone.

Actually I never did that before. It's interesting to allow myself to feel new feelings that I didn't know about before.

“I’m a stupid coward, who can't open her mouth. I'm not strong enough for anything. I can't even protect myself. I gave up on the second day and let you do anything that you wanted to do to me.“ she says with a shaking voice. Her voice cracks and I can feel something in my chest…

But she sounds like there's something else behind this... She seems so fed up and angry at herself. More than she should.

I know exactly how it feels. I feel the same. The only different thing is that it’s about two different things.

“I thought I could fix everything and distract myself from the truth but that's not true and I kept lying to myself all the time but I'm so tired…“ she admits and starts sobbing. She looks at her lap and cries…

I don't like being silent and I wish I could say something but maybe it's better if I just listen to her. Maybe I can help her then somehow.

I need to accept this. I want to help, I want to feel something, I want to do something and get better. I want to be normal…

“I’m so exhausted and tired…“ she says like she can't breathe. “I f*****g died. And since that day, I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m so scared. I don't even know what Pablo wants from me or why he is doing this to me but he killed me and I don't even know what my family or friends are doing right now and how they are feeling and I can't even go back but I miss them so f*****g much! I can't do s**t because I don't know how!“ she speaks way too fast and breathes way too less.

Family.. Of course she loves her family and friends. She’s not like me. She misses them and they miss her. Of course they do. Not every family is like ours.

“I could've just ran away or killed myself somehow, I could've jumped out of the window, I could've said no and let you kill me but you already did that. I could've done anything-…“ I cut her off because I can't listen to this anymore.

I can't listen to how fed up she actually is. I don't want to know how she thinks about these things and that she's not okay.

I don't want her to feel like this.

“Stop.“ I say and she looks at me. She's shaking. Her eyes are red.

Lucille

He stops the car and only now I realize that we're at the beach. I was so busy with telling him how I feel that I didn’t even realize that we came to a beautiful place.

I think, I told him everything that I felt for these past months. Even if I didn’t tell him details, I’m sure this should clear a lot and answer some of his questions... It should clear the confusion for now.

I tried to suppress these feelings and act like I'm fine and it's not that bad but it is. Now he knows about it. He wanted to hear it an he did.

I don't know why I did what I did or what I didn’t do. Maybe because I was afraid… Maybe because I wanted this. Maybe because I just wanted another life, until I realized that this isn't the right one. I never make the right decisions and I know that this was another one.

I don't know why we are at the beach right now and how he could think of this while I was having a mental breakdown. It should be too cold for the beach now and I don't know what we are doing here. I don't know anything and I don't care.

I hate how one question ruined everything and how I let it get to me. How sensitive I got. What am I talking about? There was nothing to ruin because everything was already like s**t all the time.

I don't care if I yelled at him and made him angry. I'm so mad about myself right now that I don’t have the nerves to care about him... I thought I made this all easy for me but I made it easy for them. Only because I was terrified of the thought that they would hurt my family. I've been through s**t, only so they would stay safe and at the end it wasn't even worth it at all.

I get off the car and start to walk, totally angry, hearing how he's following me. It’s the first time I’m moving without him telling me where I should go. Without having his hand in the back of my neck and leading me. I feels good.

I wipe my tears away and close my eyes for a few seconds. I don't want to be like this in front of him because he doesn’t deserve seeing me like this. He doesn’t deserve having me in this state.

What would happen, if I would just run away? Right here right now. I could do it but he would definitely get me and then we would be at the beginning again. He’s probably way faster than me.

“Where are you going?” he asks and I shake my head. I don't know where I'm going. I just want to walk. “I don't know.” I say loud enough for him to hear me.

“You know I'm the one with the Ferrari and I'll catch you…” he says and he makes me even angrier. At the same time I have the urge to laugh because of what he said or maybe because I’m mad. This is exactly what I mean. I can't even decide in which direction I walk, without telling him before. I can't do anything without letting him know and that's pissing me off. I hate being lonely but sometimes I just need time for myself...

“You can go back to your car and catch me in a few minutes. Leave me alone, at least for now!” I say, with a shaking voice, while the cold air is making my wet face freeze. It’s really cold but my body is burning.

I only want to be alone and have some time to hunk... Or drown myself in the ocean that's right next to me... I could go down and bury my feet in the sand but I prefer to feel the hard concrete under my feet right now. Before I fall apart…

I can hear the waves and that sound should calm me down but it makes everything so much harder. It's so dark and cold and it feels like nothing around me is real. As if we’re in a dollhouse and the walls are about to fold in and eat me.

Nobody is here. It’s so silent, the only noise comes from the loud waves and our fast footsteps. We’re the only ones left in this dollhouse…

I stop and just stand where I am. I feel like I can't breathe. It's f****d up how I keep walking. going and running but don't come forwards at all. It's pissing me off because it makes me feel stuck.

I cover my face with my hands and try to not scream my soul out, until only my body is left.

When I open my eyes, he's already standing in front of me with furrowed eyebrows. Honestly. when he looks at me like this, I could punch him. I wish I would've stayed at home that night. Again. I wish I would've walked around the house: instead of down to the city. I wish I wouldn't have seen him or looked at him or anything else that has something to do with him. I wish he would disappear. I hate him so much. I hate how mean he can be and even if I really just need someone, I hate how he mostly doesn't care... And sometimes I wish he would feel enough for me to get me out of this. But that will never happen and I'm on my own.

He slowly shakes his head and looks at me. There’s no facial expression…

“You are not weak.” he says and pressures his lips. I could swear that he is about to smile. That confuses me. I furrow my eyebrows and swallow. Something changes. The dark, helpless and scary moment turns into something word and innocent.

“W-what?” I stutter, a little confused because normally, he’d drag me down instead of lifting me up. I'm not sure if I understood what he said but I'm afraid he'll make me feel worse.

“You're not a coward. You're not stupid.” he answers and bites his inner cheek. I can see that he has a lot to say and that these things take him a lot of strength.

“You are patient, clever… strong.” he continues and I can still feel my chin shaking. His words are surprising me

“You are the strongest girl I’ve ever met. You are silly and clumsy sometimes but pretty and charming... and mature.” he slides his hands into his pockets and gives me a very soft look. In that moment I let my shoulders fall and feel a soft breeze pass my burning heart.

He takes a deep breath and it feels like he did it for the both of us. When he breathed in, I realized for how long I’ve been holding my breath in.

I didn't expect him to say these things and compliment me like this and I’m not sure if he knows how his words make me feel and what they mean to me. They make a big difference because he has never talked to me like this. It feels good… Too good. I could get used to it and I don’t want that.

“It's totally normal that you are confused and depressed sometimes or maybe frustrated... but don’t blame yourself. You wouldn't have a chance anyway.” he says and shrugs. I know that he doesn’t mean it in a bad or negative way. He is being realistic

I wipe my tears away and although I know that what he says is not true because I know how weak and naive I am, I nod.

Yes, it makes me feel hopeless to know I wouldn't have a chance in any way but I still appreciate how he's trying to cheer me up. I didn't expect him to do it and I know I shouldn't judge him but he's not the type of guy who does that. So I’m thankful and I’m not going to take it for granted.

If I wouldn't be really sad right now I would probably wrap my arms around him and thank him for the compliments but that's not how it goes between us. We don't thank each other for anything, we just act like these pretty and nice things never happen.

Although I still don't think differently about this, I feel a bit better.

The worst thing is that I hated him only a few seconds ago. Can he stop doing this? Always proving me wrong and making me think differently about him… Always being right and weird. He's right. I'm really confused and depressed. I'm stuck and sick. I need help but I can't talk about it.

I feel my chin shaking again. “I need…” I can't continue my sentence because I can’t tell him about it. My voice cracks and I hold my breath. I can't tell him that I need help. “I feel so lonely.” I whisper and take a deep breath. I don’t expect him to continue to care but at least he knows now.

I run my hands through my hair and look at the ocean, although there's not much to see. It's pitch black.

Then I look at the ground and cover my face with my hands again because I feel embarrassed, as he suddenly pulls me between his arms. I gasp and freeze for a second until I realize what he is doing.

My heart stops burning. I can't tell him how thankful I am because he is doing this right now. He has no idea how much I needed it and Safe it makes me feel. It also makes me feel less lonely…

His grip is so tight and so warm. I can feel his chin resting on my head… I wish he would never let me go again. Even the tiniest touch of his is enough sometimes.

Toni

She's making me emotional. Way more than

emotional and it actually feels good. It’s awkward for me to feel comfortable with these emotions, as if it’s totally normal and a daily thing for me.

For some reason It's like I'm not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of showing feelings and I know I did the right thing with coming back because she's probably the only one who didn't judge me or did anything else that made me feel bad. whenever I showed my feelings. She even expected me to show her what I’m feeling. She wanted me to speak and show some kind of emotion. I knew that. I even help her with letting it all out. At least a little bit. And I like that a lot. Being able to make somebody feel good with only being nice is a great feeling. I didn’t know that it could be this relieving and freeing. It makes me feel strong and good… Discovering this feeling is doing something to me that I need to get used to.

I can't help but smile and be glad that she can't see it. Of course I won't let her know how much I actually like her…

I'll keep it to myself for a while and be there for her, without letting her know about my feelings. At least until I succeed with what I'm planning. If it works out, then everything will be better for us both.

I know exactly how it feels to be lost. To feel like drowning in the dark but I've learned to get used to the darkness. Yo adapt to the darkness. That's what I want to do with her too.

She shouldn't be afraid of anything and she shouldn't feel lost. Unfortunately she doesn't have another choice than feeling lost for now. But I'll lead her. Maybe I'll even love her... Maybe it's not that hard.

Lucille

He lets me go and we just start walking along the beach in silence. Without the few cars, that are passing us every twenty minutes, it's only us and the waves again.

We sit down on the cold sand and watch the sun rise. Still in silence.

Our silence is really loud and says more than we ever could.

I don't even feel tired. I feel relieved. He didn’t say much or give me advice but he listened and that was enough.

It's been a while since the last time I've seen the sun. My vision starts to blur because of the tears in my eyes. I forgot how her warmth feels like and how beautiful she actually is. My skin feels sun kissed and loved.

I turn my head to red hood and see how he looks at the ocean with his furrowed eyebrows. He turns around to me as well and our eyes meet. This time I don't look away. My heart starts pounding faster and I'm sure he can hear it from the way he looks.

Somehow we get closer to each other. I’m not sure if he makes the first move to get closer or I. He's already close but now our arms and knees are touching.

I look at his lips and he looks at mine. Only inches are left between our noses.

I wish I could kiss him or he would kiss me. I wish this would actually work. But I'm not ready yet and he knows that. I don't know how. Maybe he feels it.

He respects it and that's special. A kiss would change a lot between us and it'll probably take a while to be ready for that.

We lean our foreheads against each other's and close our eyes.

There’s so much pain in this beautiful moment.

Toni

I open my eyes after I'm sure that she keeps hers closed. She is so beautiful and her skin is so soft... Even her lashes look so pure and fine. The wind that’s blowing through her silky hair makes me weak...

Fuck.

I'm so screwed.