All Night

Flashbacks

Lucille

Three big weeks without him. Three weeks in which I felt so empty and so lonely, like I never did before. Three weeks in which I didn’t hear his voice or see his face. Not even his silhouette...

I feel like s**t in every way. Physically and mentally.

My whole body is hurting and I can't fix my damn mind. I never thought that this would be so hard without him. It's worse than I thought and I actually did not expect anything.

I kept waiting for him every night, although we both told myself to not. I thought he'd might surprise me, come in the middle of the night and pick me up to go on a ride or hang out like we did it a few times. I got used to it too fast.

The nail on my pinky finger is growing. It's almost completely back and that's actually the only thing that makes me happy. Besides that, I really feel like somebody else again.

A week ago, when I was working in the club I had to do something for the first time. Something that I’ve never thought of and was always afraid of. I didn't really do it but almost because I had to.

It was something I’ve been afraid of, all the time... Being alone with a man.

He chose me because he liked how young I am and we went to one of the private rooms. He looked like a business men. At least his black suit made him look like one. He was tall and I knew he had a lot of money. Especially because he squeezed five hundred dollars between my boobs and another five hundred between my slip…

I was afraid. I felt sick and wanted to throw up. Whenever he touched me, my skin went cold, as if these places of my body died.

I knew what I had to do. I had to seduce him. please him, do whatever he would want from me…

First it was easy. I only had to dance for him. A lap dance is not that bad but then he started touching me. Everywhere…

I tried to keep my s**t together but he whispered things into my ear that made me uncomfortable. Naughty things about me and how sexy I looked. That made me unable to move.

I wasn't alone with anyone before, after what happened and I also haven't been so close to anyone here before. The girls always took over for me because they were kind enough to help me out but I knew I would have to do this one day. Sooner or later they wouldn’t be able to save me…

“Aren't you too young for this?” he asked, with a smirk, when he pulled me on him. Wasn’t that what attracted him to me? I wasn't sure, if I was allowed to tell him anything about myself so I didn't say anything. “I like that…” he said and put his hands on my ass...

I tried to keep calm but he wanted me to give him a blowjob. I just couldn't do that. It felt like a déjà-vu. Like I was living that moment again...

Usually nothing could trigger me and bring me out of concept so fast because I got used to a lot here but in that moment, I just didn't feel alright in any way. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't.

When he unbuckled his belt I closed my eyes and rushed out. I knew it was stupid and the possibility of losing him as customer was high but I just couldn't do that. I almost had a panic attack. It reminded me of what happened before... I didn't want to live that moment again. I didn’t want to go through it again…

My whole body was shaking and I was terrified. I had flashbacks... Everything that I pushed back, kept coming to my mind again. I could feel his hands all over my body. My palms started sweating.

Giselle saw that and Hayley took over. Hayley stopped whatever she was doing and helped me out. Giselle told me that this is totally normal because it was my first time and that I would get used to it. She told me it would be okay but for me it wasn't… That little anxiety attack was enough for me to bring everything back.

No matter how much I tell myself that I'm ready for it I just can't… I never wanted to do any of this. I never thought I would end up as being a stripper. I never thought I would have to do any of this and sometimes it's too much. I don't know why I can't just do it and be as cool with it as the other girls. Well, I do know why but I hate that I just can't forget it.

So I went up to my room and immediately wrote into my journal, to get rid of the thoughts. Since then, I'm working at the bar or as one of the waitresses. I'm not happy anymore. I'm just doing what I have to do...

Toni

“Are you alright?” he asks. after I hand him the bag. I spit blood to my left side and nod. I just got out of a fight for a stupid bag of cocaine.

That's what I've been doing for the past three weeks. Conflicts, battles, exporting, importing, smuggling, stealing and other things that got me a few scars and scratches. I have to be honest, that made me feel good. Really good.

I'm who I am again but even better. I'm even stronger. I forgot how much I liked doing these things. Shooting, stabbing and killing was what brought me here. I don't know if I should be proud of that but it makes me feel good and being away from my family feels good as well...

“Sto bene. (I’m fine)” I say and wipe away the blood from my lips, with the back of my hand. He puts his hand on my shoulder while I try to catch my breath. “I'm proud, son. You're coming with me.” he says and I nod again.

We go to his office and he tells me once again how proud he's of me and that he can't wait for me to take over his business. I know that this is a lot of weight. This is huge. It's not easy but I want it…

It's an amazing feeling that he trusts me so much and that he's actually letting me do it, instead of anybody else... I feel actually loved. Like I'm worth something. He gave me more than my family ever did.

Family… Grayson is coming in two days or a week. I don't know and I don't care. Mom told me she would call me, although I already told her that I don’t want to have anything to do with this and that they both should stay away from me. She kept bombing me with messages but I didn't answer any of them. She didn't even apologize one time. I tried to keep concentrating on me and what I'm doing... And on Lucille...

Somehow the thought of her kept me going because now I know that Pablo trusts me again. He knows that I would do anything for him and that I would never betray him. He says that I have a lot more to do and that I'm not done yet but that I can go and get some rest. He's going to call me for another mission.

I thank him and leave... I feel so relieved. I did what I had to do. without getting weak and I'm proud of myself.

Lucille

The sun is going down and I take my journal out. I really feel the need to write into it right now and I hate that I can't do that without crying.

"I can feel his touch. I can smell him. I can even hear his voice sometimes and sometimes I can see his face in other guys faces... It's scaring me and I can't live with this…

I wish I would've ran away earlier, although it didn't change anything because it feels like he's still chasing me… I feel way better, when I'm so far away from him but I can't run away from him.

I can't forget him and I'm afraid of seeing him whenever I turn around. He's the reason why I've been so afraid of the darkness. I wish I would've never done what I've done. I wish I would've never met him…

I disappointed everybody and I couldn't even talk about it because I was so embarrassed… I can't do anything right. I can't move, I can't think, I can't speak or breathe, without feeling him on my neck.

He's the reason for my confusion. He's the reason, why I'm so afraid and weak. If I would've never been with him, I wouldn't be like this right now.

Who knows… Maybe I would be strong and brave but I can't do anything right and that's his fault. My fault…

Am I ever going to stop thinking about him? Can I ever trust again? I'm afraid of allowing myself to feel anything. I'm afraid of doing the same mistake again, although I would die to love and feel again or let myself go. I’m so tired.

I would die to trust and be me again or who I've been before I met him. I'm trying but it's hard.

I'm so young and going through unnecessary, stupid s**t that I shouldn't go through and I can't handle it, mostly because of him…

I destroyed my family because he destroyed me. I thought it would be so unfair that mom hurt dad, without even telling her the truth. And if I couldn't be happy, I didn't want her to be happy either…

That's one of the reasons why I'm a bad person... Why I'm not who they think I am."

I close the journal and put it next to me on the bed. My heart is aching. I feel sick. It's not like the walls here are getting closer, it's more like there are walls around my heart and these are getting closer and making it hard for it to beat.

I feel like I can't breathe. My chest is burning and my lungs can’t survive in the fire. I wish I could close my eyes forever or just make him disappear. I should've killed him that day.

I cover my face with my hands and start sobbing. It's something like a routine by now and after I get myself together, I stand up and walk downstairs to see how far the girls are, before I fall asleep because since we all know, naps after breakdowns are the best ones.

They aren't really set up yet. Means I still have some time. I could go and read a book or study but I don't feel like doing anything. My mind won't allow me…

I take a deep breath and lean my forehead against the counter on the bar. I feel so tired, I don't know if I can make it tonight.

“Hey.” I hear someone saying and slowly lift my head up. My head feels so heavy, it's like I'm under water or I drank too much last night, although I didn't.

When I see red hood standing in the entrance, with a crooked smile my heart stops. My jaw drops and a tear rolls down my cheek. I wasn’t prepared for crying but I haven't seen him for so long… It feels like it's been years and he didn't even come to check on me. I never thought that I would need him so much but he was really the only one who I had and without him, everything felt so different. I felt like I couldn’t make it.

He looks like he came back from a war but he looks happy. His little smile gives me a hint. I run towards him and jump on him. He picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but I start sobbing, when I bury my face in his neck. I hold onto him, as if he’s all I have. Maybe because he is. He holds me so tightly that I almost can't breathe but that doesn't matter. I've never been happier before to see someone.

He has such a good timing. He came back at the right time. Just when I needed him.

I don't know what we are or if we need to be something but to me he means a lot. Maybe more and I don't think that this is a problem. Not anymore. I don't think like that anymore.

“I've missed you so much...” he whispers, slowly running his hand through my hair. I let out a shaky breath and close my eyes. Hearing that from him means the world to me. “I've missed you too…” I say and look at him. His touch is the only touch that doesn't burn my skin.

He smirks.

I don't know where he's been or what he's been doing but I can see that he changed. He got stronger and bigger. He looks like a beast with scars, even more intimidating than before. No matter how much I hated this once, I really missed his stupid smirk.

He slowly lets me down again, after I hug him one more time. We walk up to my room, without saying a word. He sits down on my bed and looks up at me. God, how much I've missed his eyes…

This isn't normal. It's crazy how safe he makes me feel. I feel more for him than I thought. He's helping me a lot with that, even if he doesn't know it yet.

I smile when he looks at me and licks his lips. I could look at him for hours, without saying a word.

I play with the end of my skirt. I can feel that there's a little distance between us. I'm so shy right now, as if I just met him for the first time and I don't even know why. Not seeing him changed some things…

He slowly reaches out for my hand and gently pulls me closer... He touches my bare thigh, under my skirt and I get goosebumps. I missed his touch… My body missed him.

“Silly girl…” he says and I blush. He grabs my waist, with both hands and looks a my belly but I slowly pull away...

“I'll wash my face and come back.” I say, feeling the dried tears, with mascara, on my face. He nods and I rush towards the bathroom.

Toni

I smile. I've missed her more than I thought and I know capo would freak out, if he would know that I'm here right now but I can't help it. I want to be here with her right now. I could go to the moon and I’d still end up here, at the end of the day.

Holding her, smelling her hair and touching her is even better than fighting and doing all that gangster s**t.

She is so pure… She's worse than cocaine.

It's crazy how I let this happen to me and I'm not complaining. I actually really like it. Having someone who appreciates me, who misses me, who I can come back to... Who I can make feel good..

Guess it depends on the person…

I want to lay down but there’s something bothering me and when I see that it’s her journal… I know I shouldn't do this. Nobody should do this. It’s something personal but this is literally her brain, in the form of a book, right in front of me.

I know I should put it away but it's literally asking me to read it...