All Night

A name

Lucille 

We leave and drive back. My blood is boiling. I'm angry at everything. I'm caught in something so stupid that I shouldn't deal with and it just won’t make sense.

He won't let me go without threatening me. What does he want from me? Why can't he just use someone else? There are so many girls out there like me. Maybe even girls who would love to help him because they would do anything for him. And why am I not allowed to go somewhere alone?

Since I know, strippers are only working at night in the club and they also have a private life, where they can go home or out and spent their money on whatever they want or do whatever they want, while I don't even know what I'm doing and I'm not allowed to go anywhere. Why? There must be a damn reason. Why do I have to stay in that damn building and can’t go anywhere? I don’t even feel like running away anymore. Maybe he’s just an annoying asshole who wants to see me suffer and struggle.

He has to let me go one day. I don't want to live this life forever. I don’t want to get old here. This isn't even a life. When I think about what I've done until now, I don’t want to think of what’s going to happen in the feature. I didn't take it as serious as I should've. I thought I could handle it but it's too much. I did things that I would judge other people for. I did things that turn me into someone else, things I've only been hearing in news and police reports. What am I actually doing?

Tyler

Another sleepless night.. I don't understand how dad can sleep. Or mom. She's sleeping downstairs. She's only here for Lucille. She will leave whenever she will come back. If dad would leave it to me, I would kick her out. I don't care if I'm mean or exaggerating.

She doesn't deserve to be here. If she leaves once then she shouldn't come back again. I wish dad would've never wanted me to call her.

I walk down to get some water and hear someone sobbing. I enter the kitchen and find mom crying on the table. Seeing that makes me feel uncomfortable. When she sees me, she wipes her tears away and tries to smile.

“Why aren't you sleeping?” she asks with her raspy voice. I shake my head. “I'm just thirsty.” I say and get myself a glas of cold water. I lean onto the counter and look out of the window to the front yard.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or hallucinating but there are three men in black suits, standing on the sidewalk, watching our house. I walk closer towards the window. One of them has a gun.

They see that I’m seeing them. That’s probably why they get into a black car together. This must be a dream..I close my eyes and when I open them again, they're gone. 

What the hell is happening?

Toni

We’re waiting on a red traffic light. She seems angry and fed up. I can understand her but there's nothing I can help her with. I wish I wouldn't have to deal with her either.

I know she's confused because I’m an attractive man who’s always close to but she hates me. That will make things more difficult for her. I don't like her either but unfortunately we're stuck for I don't know how long. I really wish I would know why she's so special to him.

Unfortunately I'm not allowed to know more than him or the others, no matter how close we are. She's like every other girl. Like every other high school girl.

Pinky stuff, unicorns, skirts, Starbucks, Snapchat filters, Polaroids, having crushes on football captains and changing for people so everybody loves her. Being popular and asked out by every boy in her grade because she's the prettiest. Being perfect but saying 'I'm not perfect' only to hear how perfect she actually is. The pick-me girl.

“Do you have a name?” she asks, out of nowhere, breaking the silence. I look at her. She's looking at her hands.

For the first time. Someone asked me if I have name. Other people always ask me things like 'What's your name?' or 'Aren't you going to tell me your name?' because they want to call me by my name but for the first time someone gave me the opportunity to answer differently.

Thinking that I couldn't have or want to have a name or wouldn't want to be someone is nice. Thinking that there would be a possibility that I don't have a name, that I'm nobody because nobody cares or loves, is nice. 

She looks at me.

Does she always have to do this? Does she always have to prove me wrong whenever I think she's like every other girl?

I slowly shake my head, a little confused and surprised. “No…” I answer with a quiet voice. She nods and turns around to look out of the window. She just accepted that answer without saying something stupid or saying it would be impossible. She lets me be what I want to be. 

Lucille

When we arrive, I don't feel anything at all. I feel like I went numb but I have something in my mind. I turn around to him before I get off the car. 

“Can I Ask you something?” I ask.

He nods. 

I hand him the envelope with the money from capo and ask him “Could you take this and buy me books?” he looks totally confused and shakes his head like he didn't hear me. “Books?” he repeats.

“Yeah. School books, novels, pencils and stuff. I want to learn. I don’t want to end up without knowledge only because I’m here.” I need to do something in my free time and knowledge is mighty. I miss reading… That's the only way to escape reality. Finding myself in another novel and believing that I could just stay there and that everything is fine.

I want to feel something amazing again.

“For what? You know you're not gonna go to school again or get ready for university.i he says and clenches his jaw. “I just don't want to end up as a stupid whore.” I already know my fortune but I still don't want to be stupid. I will do it for myself.

He laughs and the laugh sounds annoyed. I keep looking at him. He leans in and smiles. “You are a w***e and whores aren't clever.” he says, totally enjoying it. He loves making me feel like s**t. He's not even taking me serious and that makes me feel small. He has no idea how much that is actually harming me.

Why am I even talking to him? I sigh and throw the money on the dashboard. I thought he could at least help me to spend my money but it was stupid to think that.  

“Got it.” I say, open the door and leave. I know I sounded emotionless and empty and maybe that’s what I am. I have enough of overwhelming emotions and getting upset three times an hour.

I enter the club that's making more money than any other club in this city and walk upstairs, not minding that this place is filled with men and women -like every night- who usually make me feel uncomfortable. 

I don't turn on the lights when I enter my room. I just lock the door and sit down on the ground, leaning my back on the bed. I look out of the window. I need some time. Time for myself.

What if I just try to run away? It not like he's going to run after me and shoot me or tell his colleagues to shoot my family before I can even see them. Who am I kidding, that's exactly what they would do. I don't want to do this anymore.

This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. I told myself I would need to accept it, without asking myself about anything or doing anything. Why am I not doing anything? I could easily reach the police. There are people out there who could help me. 

There's nobody behind the door who takes care of me staying inside. Why am I not doing anything? Why is nobody looking for me? Does the police even know about these people?

Why do I let him do whatever he wants with me? I never wanted to be any of these girls. Now I am and I made it so easy for them.

I've always been scared of people like red hood and I never thought I would see someone like him or guns or drugs. I never thought I’d have to talk to a pimp.

I was hoping to not find myself in a strip club when I grow up. I found myself in one before I grew up. I did drugs before doing all that stuff that I actually wanted to do.

Once I've found a cigarette in Tyler's room and threatened him with telling mom and dad because I hated it and I was disgusted by him. I told him how unhealthy it would be and that it would be some of the baddest habits ever and it would lead him to more bad things. I was so naive and stupid. I was exaggerating.

He hated me for that and told me to stop being so childish. Until now I thought it was the worst thing ever. In what a dream world I've been living... I was really childish.

Now I normalize things that aren’t normal at all.

A tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away immediately but burst out in tears. I'm losing myself and my family. I'm so close to them but I can't reach them. I can't see or feel them. I don't feel safe.

This life is not about school and friends. It's not about good grades, being amazing and popular. Not about doing good and making parents proud. None of this matters here.

None of this is worth anything out here. Nobody cares about who you are, what you've done or what you want.

You're just a tool, a slave… Like everybody else. You're just as dirty as the others. There’s no way to get clean and flawless again.

With every word that crosses my mind I start crying harder and harder. Nobody will hear me cry anyway. 

I just need to find a way out before everything gets worse. Before I get worse… Before I get used to this all and him. I don't belong here and I never will. They won't get me.

I stand up, turn on the lights and change my clothes. I don't think I'll sleep now but I need to lay down and calm down a little bit. This all is way to stressing to process in a few days. 

Since the day I came here, I feel sick and this feeling won't go away. It feels like someone broke all of my bones or my wings…

This life is not a game but still, either you lose or win. It feels like I'm losing.

'Stop being a pussy.' he said. He's right. I need to stop being a p***y. I need to stop crying and acting like this is the end of the world. Honestly, it's killing me how fast my mood is changing. These mood swings are more exhausting than the rest.

I need to stop being so emotional. I need to do what I have to do. I can't waste my time with losing tears. Nobody will catch you if you fall. I have to do this on my own. I'll find a way. I'm sure about it.

Either I'll find a way out or I'll be a pro in what I'm doing. There's no other way. I've already lost too much. Even if everything would get better now, the things I've done won't get erased from my past. They’ll chase me so I have to deal with them. Just like they said. And they weren't wrong. There's good money in this business…