All Night

Three thousand dollars

Lucille 

My soul almost leaves my body, when I open my eyes and see him in front of me. He's laying on his right side and I'm laying on my left, means we would be looking at each other, if he wouldn't be sleeping. Is this really happening right now? It could be a dream. He would never fall asleep next to me. 

He looks so peaceful and innocent while he’s sleeping. It’s unbelievable that the guy who is sleeping right next to me, is a huge asshole. If I wouldn’t know him I would feel bad for him because he slept in his clothes and looks so exhausted.

It's already dark again or didn't the sun even rise yet? I lost my sense of time. This is crazy. How can it be dark all the time? How can people enjoy living in the darkness? It’s depressing and terrifying. I miss the sunlight. I miss the day and the warmth of the sun. I miss getting ice cream and taking selfies during golden hour. I miss getting a tan and laying on the beach. 

But looking at how he's sleeping with his furrowed eyebrows, makes me realize that I’m comfortable and welcome in the darkness.

He didn’t even take off his shoes and I doubt that he’s always sleeping with his shoes on. He must’ve fallen asleep. 

I run my hands over my face and realize that I'm not wearing anything else than lingerie. I panic and pull the blanket up to my chin, trying to remember that happened before I fell asleep. I feel the heat in my cheeks when I remember it…

I look at him. His hair is messy. He looks like he didn’t even sleep at all. I want to wake him up before I think about more stupid things.

He's so close… I touch his arm with one finger. I can feel his muscles under his jacket. They’re so hard. I do it again. I'm afraid of touching him while he’s awake. That’s why I enjoy it while he’s sleeping, yet I feel like he could wake up every second and yell at me for touching him.

I do it once again and suddenly he opens his eyes and winces. “f**k…” he mumbles and he looks like he had a bad dream… Then he rubs his eyes and looks at me again. I'm afraid to ask him if he had a bad dream. He would probably tell me that this is none of my business and he would be right. That’s why I just look at him. He takes a deep breath and although he can barely open his eyes, he asks “Do you feel better?”

I can’t handle the butterflies I get when he asks me that. It almost makes me think that he could care about me. Is it the first thing he's thinking about when he sees me?

I nod and answer “I'm just a little cold.” I’m really cold and my head feels heavy. He furrows his eyebrows and puts his hand on my forehead. I shiver. Even the smallest touch of his makes me get goosebumps. “You're warm…” he says and slowly pulls his hand away.

He slowly sits up and yawns. “Take a hot shower. Put something warm and comfortable on. We don't have much to do tonight.” he says and I feel relieved. I really need a break and calm down. I need some time to think and get myself back together. To let the last few days sink and settle down in my new room.

It's the third or fourth night and we've already been through so much. He wasn't joking when he said that we don't have time to lose. I slowly sit up as well.

My head is aching and I still feel sleepy. It's crazy how my heartbeat slowed down all of sudden and how my euphoria and energy disappeared so fast. Now I only feel exhausted and tired. I’m down from my high and it doesn’t feel good at all. 

He closes one eye and tilts his head a little and says “Wait, don't move.” I do what he says and keep looking at him. He just looks at me. That’s all he does. He watches me and I have no idea what he wants. He looks calm and peaceful. I’m not used to that. Then I see him smile and I can't help but smile as well.

“What?” I ask and he slowly shakes his head. “Nothing.” he answers and gets off the bed. The tiny magical moment disappears.

“Get ready, take a shower or do whatever you want but be ready in an hour. I'll pick you up.” I nod. If we wouldn't do illegal stuff it would sound cute. 'I'll pick you up.'. But we’re doing awful things and we are in an ugly situation so it doesn’t sound cute.

I'm asking myself if he has a girlfriend. I don't think he does. How could he spend time with her when he's with me all the time? It's not like he's meeting her during the day. He doesn’t have time for a relationship. Or he could have a long distance relationship and if he does, does she know what he's doing and if yes, is she comfortable with that? I don't know but the thought of that makes me feel some type of jealousy... It shouldn't make me feel that way. It shouldn't make me feel anything.

He just walks to the door and leaves. How nice. For a tiny moment I thought we broke the ice but he’s cold again. He always turns cold when he realizes that he relaxes a bit. Now I feel like s**t. Why do I feel like s**t when he leaves? I guess I still don't like being alone.

I can’t stop thinking about that little moment between us or his smile. It wasn't a seductive or provocative smile. It was just lovely and pure. 

Damn. I shouldn’t be thinking about it. 

He's the only guy I'm spending time with lately and he probably will be, until something changes. I don't understand this all and I won't try to but I also won’t allow myself to feel anything for him because he’s the only guy around me. It’s normal that I get attached to him. I'm only working with him or for him and there aren't any feelings allowed in this business. I need to remember 

that before I think about him too much.

☾

When we arrive, I feel less awkward than the first time. I'm more experienced now and I know what to do. I went through a lot in these past days. They taught me more than school or teachers or my parents in all these years. They taught me how hard it actually is to get pulled into a life that you don't want to live. How dangerous and complicated life is when you’re out there on your own. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes and it'll either make everything better or rip you apart. Or make you stronger.

I put my hands into the holes of my sweater while we walk up to his office. I took a shower and put on a black sweater, black jeans and black boots. I look like red hood. The only thing that's missing is a red strand between my hair.

We walk in and he looks like he just won a prize or something. I don’t know what he’s so happy for and I still find him disgusting but this time I'm not nervous, afraid, uncomfortable or weak.

I can't say that I'm a professional now and that I fully understand it but I know at least a little bit how this goes. I slam the door shut before red hood can even take a step in and turn around to him.

“No bodyguards this time. Was this all to scare me?” I ask and fold my arms in front of my chest. He looks at me, eyes wide open and stands up. I don't really know if I went to far but I don't regret it. Even if I'm throwing myself into fire right now, I can't stop it.

I robbed an old man, almost had a strange man touch my body and sniffed cocaine. This is more than dangerous and insane. It’s killing.

Thinking about what I’ve done makes it feel like the walls are getting closer. I've don't stupid things…

He walks towards me and I try to show off how scared I get by him approaching me. I need to stay strong. I know he’s not like red hood. 

“One line cocaine won't give you confidence and boldness.” he smiles and I bite my tongue to not actually spit at him.

Of course red hood told him about it. Why wouldn't he? He didn't want me to do it to see how brave I am, he did it on purpose to make me weak because he knew I would need it and him. He knows exactly how to make me do things that I don't want, without even forcing me to. Since I'm a little, stupid, weak b***h, I fall for it. 

I run my hand through my hair.

“But it makes you go insane and do things that you'll regret later.” I smile back. I actually wanted to say something worse but that would go way too far.

“I would suggest you to shut up before you get yourself in danger. You don't even know what you're talking about, little girl.” he says. I must’ve upset him. I take a deep breath.

“I told him to bring you here so we could have a nice talk but obviously you don't want to cooperate.” he sounds very provocative, as if he would have a nice deal for me. My blood starts boiling and I get to the point.

“I'm doing whatever your guardian says. That means you're leaving my family alone, right?” I frown. He takes a deep breath and turns around. He walks to his table. If he changes his mind, I will attack him and I wouldn’t care if he would kill me afterwards.

“Of course but only if it keeps going like this.” he answers. “That's why you are here. I've heard you've done great jobs. You're learning very fast. I knew you were born for this.” he adds and I feel like throwing up. This is annoying. I sigh. 

“For how long do I have to do this?” I clench my jaw. He turns back around to me. “Forever. This business never dies.” he says and I get this oppressive feeling that I don’t like. He’s so convinced that I will be there for him until I die. 

He opens one of the drawers on his desk and pulls out a thick wad of money. He smirks. I don’t understand. 

“Three thousands dollars in three nights.” he explains and holds it towards me. He cannot be serious. This is ridiculous. “There’s no way I made this much money in these three days, without even doing much for you and there’s no way you would give it to me.” it’s hard to believe him because it doesn’t make sense and I need explanation. “You don’t understand how this works and you don’t need to know. Just takes it because it’s yours. It’s a lot of money.” he thinks he can impress me with money. “Three thousand dollars in three nights won't change s**t when you're stuck.” I can’t help but get serious. 

I don't want his dirty money. It’s stupid. I make it and get it back at the end? Obviously I can't go anywhere by myself, I can't buy my own s**t, I can’t spend it on whatever I want and I don't need anything here anyway, so what could I need it for?

At the end he forces me to take it. It's too much, too ridiculous but I think I know what to do with the money…