All Night

Memories of confessions

Toni

When I wake up, my head is aching and feels so heavy that I could believe I’m one with the mattress. I could actually throw up or die or do both. I don’t know yet.

This feels disgusting. What did I do? I don't remember anything else than coming here and talking a lot. Unfortunately I don't remember what I was talking about and I can only hope that I didn't talk s**t or tell her anything that I'm not allowed to tell her. If I did, Pablo is going to kill me. And if I told her anything about myself, then I am going to punch myself so hard that I won't be able to talk for a while.

I lift my head and see how she's sleeping with her head on the desk. I furrow my eyebrows. Why didn't she sleep next to me? She would never resists to sleep next to me or with me. I know that because I know her. She would die to do it. She would take the chance immediately. What did I say to her? Why did she prefer to sleep like this instead of next to me? What did I do to her that she distanced herself this much from me?

Her back and neck must be hurting like hell.

I stand up, very slowly, making sure that I can walk. I close my eyes for a few seconds until I'm really sure that I'm fine. I should wash my face and get myself back together as soon as possible.

Who knows how disgusting I look. Obviously like a freak. Maybe that was the reason why she chose to sleep in this position instead of with me. Wait a second. Why do I want her to sleep with me so bad? I must be stupid. It must be the alcohol.

I walk towards the bathroom but stop. I turn my head around to her and suddenly my legs start moving towards her, although I don't want them to. I love how she's sleeping. Even in this position. Like a baby. Like a worried little baby..

I slowly put my hand on her head… So soft and gently that she won't even feel it. I stroke her head and touch her long, dark blonde hair. I smile but pull away as fast as I can, when she moves. Why the hell am I smiling and so scared? I can do whatever I want. If I want to touch her then I'm going to touch her.

I run my hands over my face and enter the bathroom. This is a great start into this night.

When I see myself in the large mirror, my jaw drops. My face is totally clean and I have small band aids all over it and a big band aid on my neck.

Did she do that? I don't even remember that. Of course she did. I bite my lower lip to not swear. Although I'm mostly treating her like s**t and making her feel worthless, she's still so caring. Or did I force her?

I don't know but I smile again and think I broke my record. Smiling more than one time a night. With that I mean really smiling, not smirking or grinning. Something that's coming from the inside.

I walk back to wake her but when I see her, already standing and looking at me like she's scared and sad, I furrow my eyebrows. I definitely said things I should have said…

Lucille

My heart is racing. He stroke my head. I felt it. I moved because I wanted him to stop.

I don't want to get weak for him because I know how stupid I am and I'm so afraid of doing the same mistake again. I can't let him do these things that make me feel that type of way.

As much as I try to keep the distance, he tries to close the distance and that makes everything so hard for me. He just doesn’t understand.

I know what will happen, when I fall in love with him and give myself to him. I feel like I'm sick.

I've thought so much about this all, that I'm at the point again where I'm jumping into conclusions, questioning everything and worrying too much. I missed being carefree and relaxed. I don't want to go back to these days because I'm not a scared chicken anymore but I'm asking myself so many things that I don't have answers for and that makes me freak out. It scares me a lot but what scares me more is him.

I don't know anything about him. The months I spent with him aren't enough to know who he really is. He is dangerous. I already knew that but now I got to see another dangerous side of him. He’s even more dangerous, when he’s playing with feelings. He doesn’t know what he is doing. I don't even understand why this didn't bother me before. I was so blinded by this all. And with all I really mean all.

What does he have that I could fall for? He's giving me drugs, forcing me to strip, rob people, gets me tattoos and other personal stuff. He enjoys seeing me in here. What could make me fall for someone, who doesn’t have the urge to save me from here? How can he watch me dong all this, if he really cares? He confuses me, he makes me horny, he makes me think about things that I've never thought about before. What happened to me? Was it that easy? How? It's crazy how one person can change everything so fast.

I don't know why but after last night and the things he said, I feel really really uncomfortable and that's shitty because whenever I think everything is going to be alright, it gets only worse.

He raises a brow and I realize, that I was thinking too much again and staring at him, the whole time. I wince and look into his eyes.

He clears his throat and looks away. That's exactly what I didn't want. This weird awkwardness…

“Did I say anything that I shouldn't have said… Last night?“ he asks and I try to stay cool.

He needs to believe me. I'm a good liar… No, I'm not. He always knows when I lie but this time I gotta give me best. I shake my head and shrug. “Not really. You said some stuff about your dad.“ I say, like even I don't remember what he said. He doesn’t need to know about the rest. As well as I know him, this will be enough for him to get mad at himself.

I feel my heart racing, when he looks at me and squints his eyes, as if he knows I'm lying but that wasn't a lie.. It just wasn't the whole truth. That's all. He runs his hand over his face and closes his eyes. He’s pissed.

Toni

Thank god, I didn't say too much. Of course it's bad that I talked about my dad because now, she knows personal stuff about me and I don't even know exactly what I said and I can't ask her but I’m glad that it's not a big deal because she seems like I didn't say anything important. I can see how uncomfortable she feels and that shouldn't bother me because we should keep distance but it does bother me and that's not good. I need to wash this all off.

“Get ready. I'll... Pick you up in a few and we'll eat something. Then we'll see.“ I say. Like always.

She nods and when I walk past her, to put my shoes on, she steps away like she's afraid of touching me. she is hiding something. But I won't ask her about that yet.

I raise a brow at her. If she thinks she can hide it, then she's really wrong but for now she can breathe because we're already too worn and it's enough for tonight.

Lucille

He leaves and I let the breath out that I've been holding in all the time. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I try so hard to play it off but I feel like it's getting worse. Am I paranoid?

My brain starts working very fast and I start noticing things that I've been trying to push away… This is unhealthy. I feel really sick and I need to do something about this before I lose my mind.

I get ready, just like he said it, trying to think about something else than this whole bullshit here. The things he said won't leave my mind and I can't stop thinking about him, no matter how much I try. He believed me. For now. I’m scared that he will remember scenes of last night and his confessions.

That makes me crazy. I'm so close to have a mental breakdown. I wish this would be a relationship where I could just tell him that I would need some time to think, so we should split for a while but it's not and he's with me 24/7. We can’t split, even if we both wanted to.

Either we are going to talk like normal people, who are mature enough to handle this or this will eat me.

Tyler

We didn't talk, after they told us she died. Dad and I had to answer many questions to the cops and people around us but we didn't talk to each other because everything reminds us of her.

It hurts. Mom left and I'm sure she won't come back again. This ripped us all apart. We're empty and destroyed. Everything happened so fast and I don't even understand how.

Dad didn't want a funeral unless they would find her body. What I can understand. An empty casket isn’t nice. We still don't want to believe that she's not alive anymore… How could that happen?

It's like the person who held us all together, all the time, just disappeared and now we're only strangers, who have to keep up with each other.

I will never forgive mom for leaving us. Especially during something like this. We should be a family but she just left and went to her lover… I don't remember the last time we've really been a family. It was all just acting.

I don't understand how such a simple mistake could ruin everything. I'm still trying to understand what actually happened but I know it's my fault and I can't tell anybody about it. I hate myself and I'll never forgive myself for what I've done…