All Night

I hate that

Lucille

My heart stops beating when he furrows his eyebrows. He’s sober again. And really sad.

There’s sadness dripping out of ever pore of his..

“Why?“ he quietly asks with a raspy voice.

I can't help but look at his lips. I lick my lips and try to concentrate. It’s not the right time to get weak.

I've never seen him like this. So serious and fragile at the same time. I can see so many emotions in his face and I can almost hear all the words he wants to say but can’t. This is effecting me way too much. »

“B-because you are going to freeze. You need to-…“ I stutter and he cuts me off. “No… Why can't I stay away from you? Why am I here?“ he asks and I feel my heart shaking. I didn't expect this. He sounds so desperate and frustrated.

I really didn't expect this. Is he serious? I can see where this is going. The way he's talking makes me really weak. In a bad way.

What is he doing? He can't do that now.

I swallow. This was what I was afraid of all the time because I knew I couldn't resist him. Even though I’m positively surprised that it’s difficult for him to stay away from me, I wish he wouldn’t have said that. “I don't know why but I feel this type of way when I think about you and I don't like that.“ my stomach drops when he continues. I wish he would shut up. He needs to shut up. His voice is so husky and raspy. He sounds like he's in pain. Like it hurts him to say these things. That hurts me even more. That’s what it feels like to feel something for me? That's why I don't want him to talk right now. I could pull away… But I won't. I like being close to him…

“No matter how much I try to stay away from you, you make me wanna pull you into me…“ he says and I can't believe my ears. If he keeps talking, I'll faint and not be able to help him anymore. Hearing these things feels could make me believe that I’m dreaming. I'm afraid to wake up. I don't want to wake up. But I know this isn’t a dream because his grip around my wrists is real and I can feel it in every inch of my body.

What is he doing to me? First I want him to stop and now I'm afraid he's gonna stop?

This is exactly what I want. I want him to pull me into himself and never let me go again.

“Why can't I-…“ this time I cut him off. He's talking too much and that's harmful for both of us. Im getting weak and I could do things that I would hate myself for. I know he'll regret this in the morning and I don't want that…

Knowing he actually doesn't want this makes me sad… It shouldn't make me sad. This is how it has to be. This is the best for us both.

“You don't know what you're saying.“ I whisper with a shaky voice.

No matter how much I want this, I know it won't happen and there’s no point in hoping. Things between us won't go further than this and it's better like this. No matter how bad I want it.

“Listen to me.“ he says and leans his forehead against mine. I need to push him away because it’s wrong but it feels so good. Is this actually happening?

He's so close and for once he's actually just emotional. He's not angry, pissed, joking or making me feel bad. He's making me feel so good. His forehead against mine…. Oh lord.

I'm afraid that he's going to say things that will break my heart even more. I wish I could believe in us both but I can't. There are things that he wants to get off his chest and that was all I've been waiting for all the time. Just talking to him and listening because he’s been quiet for too long.

Why am I so afraid? Maybe because I know what will happen after that or the night after. He's drunk and he probably won't remember any of these things as soon as he wakes up tomorrow night. But I will remember it and it will hurt me, rip my heart out. He'll be fine like that but I won't because I know what happened and I won't remind him of it because I don't want things between us to get weird. It would make everything worse.

I need to keep my s**t together. We both (and I know that) don't know what we are yet. It goes too far. I can't be with him in any way only because I'm attracted to him.

I don't know what I feel for him. I don't know anything about him but do I have to do that to feel something for him? The things I know are already enough, aren't they?

“You are saying things that you won't remember or regret next night…“ I say, feeling one of his hands letting my wrist go and slowly going up to my neck and then the back of my head… He's holding me gently. His hand between my hair, on the back of my neck makes me feel so comfortable. My whole heart is resting in his hand and he’s not even aware of it.

I love being so close to him. He shakes his head and I wish I could run my hands through his beautiful hair.

“You can remind me if I forget any of these…“ he says and I close my eyes. If I keep looking into his eyes or at his lips I'll kiss him.

He's lucky because he can forget this all but for me it's not that easy and his touches are leaving marks on my skin like a fire.

“Do you know what I feel and think about you?“ he asks and I shake my head. I'm dying to find it out. I'm going to take this opportunity. I open my eyes. Nothing has ever felt so good as his hand between my hair… I can already feel my hands shaking.

“I get hard and close to rip all your clothes off and tease you, slowly, to hear you scream how much you want me.“ he whispers. This all takes turns that I didn’t expect but I don’t complain. It’s not like I never thought about that. My heart stops once again. This all… Everything I wanted and thought off for so many times. I never thought he would want the same things. I never thought these things would even cross his mind. He was so good in hiding it.

“I want to tie you up and feel your legs shaking… See your eyes roll back and make you beg for me…“ he says and starts breathing a little bit faster and heavier. So do I. He is getting impatient. A little smirk places his lips and I bite my lower lip. He can't do this to me.

He's saying all the things I've been dreaming about. He needs to stop or I'm going to lose myself. Of course it's making me sad, that he's only feeling this way for me because it's only lust and nothing else but at least something.

That's what every guy is feeling about every girl and every girl about every guy. Even if there aren't any feelings involved.

“Please stop.“ although I don't want him to stop and we both know that, these words roll off my tongue.

He pulls me closer. He knew that I meant the opposite of what I said.

His hand slides down my back and grabs my waist. He has big hands. My weakness… His bare body touches mine, when he pulls me even closer and I get goosebumps when I feel his thumb in my palm. I blush. He’s shirtless and so close to me…

I'm really close to gasp or moan. Or both.

“I want to see you naked, begging me to thrust into you.“ I want to back off so bad but I can't. His words are making my head spin. I'm already out of breathe, as if he has already done all these things to me because I can barely breathe.

I'm dripping.

He pulls me closer again. There's literally no space left between us. Our bodies are touching. I can only look into his eyes, totally shocked and already aroused. Every cell of my body is craving him and he knows that. The s****l tension is undeniable. Why can't he always hold me like this? Can't he always touch me in some way?

“But do you know what I hate the most?“ he asks, whispering like he's in pain again. My heart drops because he’s about to say something negative and I don’t want that. Is this even right? Is this okay? Is this normal? We shouldn't be this close. I knew something would destroy this… This won’t work out. Not we both. Anybody else but now we. We should hate each other, instead of being so close and feeling this way for each other…

“That I care.“ he says, way calmer.

All the exciting feelings disappear. I slowly furrow my eyebrows but don't back off. His mood is changing very fast again but somehow I'm not complaining about it. I only want to know what he means because he’s confusing.

“That I get mad when you are sad. That my blood starts to boil when you cry and that I want you all to myself.“ now we're at the part again, where he's going to rip my heart out and play with it like a football. I'm not sure if I can listen to this.

Lust is okay but not this. This is some deep s**t that scares me. It scares me because I'm afraid that it’s going to happen. I’m afraid of falling, knowing he won't catch me. This all sounds so pretty but I know it's not. First he makes me horny and crazy, then he makes me sad and confused me. How does he manage to do that and control me? My hormones are not playing along either. He's making me crazy. Insane. I need professional help.

The things he says make me believe in something that will never happen... He wants me all to himself and he cares. More than that… But that's not true. None of this is true. He's only saying these things because he's drunk... But don't drunk people always say the truth? Drunk words are sober thoughts?

“You hate that?“ I ask and swallow. He nods. “I hate it to death because I'm not a p***y who falls in love. I never care and I won't let you ruin me.“ he says, getting serious and clenching his jaw. His body language confuses me even more.

He's holding me so close and tightly, like he's going to love me but his words cut sharper than a knife. My heart starts turning into dust.

I wanted him to shut up because I would lose myself and take advantage of him but now I want him to stop talking because he's hurting me with his words.

“I’m trying to stay away from you before I get weak. I can't like you. Not even close to that. I'm never going to. I can't hurt myself with that… Or you.“ I knew it.

Even if he would want it, it would never happen.

I don't want to cry. I can't do that now. Not in front of him. Not now.

I back off but he pulls me back again.He lets my waist go and grabs my wrist again. I look away. I don't want him to know how sad this makes me. I’m scared that he will look into my eyes and that they will tell him all the things I’m trying so hard to keep to myself.

I don't want him to know that this breaks me and makes me wanna cry because I want him so bad. I don't want him to know anything.

“And that's the damn problem. I want you to stay. I promised myself you would be nothing more than a w***e that's working here, for me… But I broke that promise a while ago.“ is he actually going to shut up or is he planning on bombing my heart until there's nothing left of it? Even I don't know what I feel and he is making this all so much worse. Maybe I don't even want to know what he thinks or how he feels about me.

He looks at my lips again.

“I shouldn't feel anything for you but I do.“ he says and I hold back the tears. I didn't think that this would make me feel this attacked. I really didn't expect that. He literally just confessed that he feels something for me and it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel true.

Somehow I feel happiness because I know he does feel something for me and I do the same, although I didn't want to accept it but at the same time it makes me sad because of the negative things he says. I don't want to think about it. It's scaring me. I don't want to think about his words and believe him... I don't want to fall in love with him. Just like he said. I shouldn't feel anything for him but I do.

“I.. you should sleep. You need to rest.“ I quickly say, blinking my tears away and free myself carefully. I'm not a crybaby. Not anymore.

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. He puts on the sweater that I hand him and lays down. Then he looks at me again.

“Come here.“ he says patting the space next to him and I look at him, eyes wide open. Is he serious?

“I’m only going to sleep with you between my arms.“ he continues. I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I hold my breath.

I want that. I want that more than anything else. Sleeping between his arms and cuddling with him. Feeling his warm body against mine. His muscular arms holding me. Even if I can’t have him. I can have this for a night.

“Uhm… Uh-huh. Give me a second.“ I say, with a shaking voice and rush towards the bathroom. I close the door and take a few deep breaths or maybe I hyperventilate.

I can't explain how I feel or how he makes me feel. He makes me so nervous and confuses me. I know, as soon as he wakes up, he won't be the same as he is now. I can't trust him with this.

I'm trying so so hard to suppress my feelings for him, all the time and then something simple like this ruins everything and makes me realize how much I actually feel for him.

I tried to keep this all as professional and mature as I could. I tried to not bring any feelings into this but with him it's impossible.

I run my hands through my hair and then over my face. When I get myself together a little bit, I walk back to him and see that he's already sleeping. Thank god.

He's sweating. He looks tired. He looks so vulnerable and sweet like a child. I take off his shoes and he pulls one of the pillows between his arms and keeps breathing calmly. Man, I really should stop staring at him.

I sit down in my chair and lean my forehead against the desk. This is all so overwhelming. I wish I could talk to him normally about these things, when he's sober but I know he never would tell me anything about himself or his feelings. If he won't remember this whole conversation, as soon as he wakes up, then I definitely won't remind him of it and if he asks me, I’ll lie because only like this everything can keep going like before.

It's probably better if we just act like none of this happened. It's better like this. It's better, if there's nothing between us because he was right. Nobody can get hurt like this. It's better. A lot better…