All Night

Daddy issues

Toni

“You always loved and appreciated him more because you knew that your older son wouldn't be s**t or worth anything!” I say. That's the truth and she can't deny that.

It makes me angry. It's a wonder that I'm still so calm, especially after all the things that happened tonight.

Obviously I do have a heart and I'm patient because otherwise things would look very different right now.

She just looks at me and her eyes start to sparkle. Although she looks angry, I know she's about to cry but she can't get me with this. I'm not as weak as she is. I don't care about that.

“You say he saved himself? I should save myself too and disappear.” I say and walk towards the bathroom, so I can finally wash all this blood off my face. I can hear how she sits back down and sighs.

“You're exactly like your dad… Always leaving me.” she sounds annoyed and disappointed. I freeze. That's it. I clench my fists and my blood starts boiling.

She didn't say this. She didn't say this. She can't say this. She can't do this to me. It’s so humiliating and hurting to hear her say something like this. Not even knowing what she did with that. She is comparing me to the man who ruined our lives. Does she know what this means to me? Does she know how much she actually harms me with this?

This woman is making me sick.

Why do I even call her mom? I'm not like my dad and I never will be. She's not going to ruin me. I won't let her do this.

I change my mind. I don’t wash my face. Instead, I walk towards the door, without taking a look at her or saying another word. I'm sure that I'll hurt her really badly, if I stay for one more second and open my mouth.

I get l into my car. I was angry but now that emotion gets replaced with something else. Something I’ve never felt before. I’m hurt and I want to cry because it feels like someone attacked my heart with a hammer. I feel small. The fact that I'm hurt makes me even angrier. I hate this so much. This shouldn't hurt me. I'm not a p***y.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not a child anymore. I died when I was ten and I'm not going back to these days. I would rather drown myself than to cry.

Lucille

No matter how hard I try to concentrate, all I can think about is him and it would be a miracle, if there would be one night in which I'm not thinking about him.

Although he hurt me tonight, the words he said and the things that happened, won't get out of my head.

He would handcuff me on him he said... I'm not allowed to leave his side ever again... I know why and in which way he said it but it still makes me shiver. I can feel the butterflies, that are all over my body, fighting for their lives. When I think about how angry he was and how he fought that guy because he touched me, this feeling gets worse.

I can’t deny that he looks hot when he gets mad. How deep his eyes get when he starts breathing faster or when he furrows his eyebrows and looks at me, like he's going to kill me. Or when he screams with a deep voice. He has an intimidating, terrifying, masculinity that makes me feel weak and small and I hate how I love that. Romanticizing these things isn’t healthy but I can’t help it. I would love to let him destroy me.

I know these thoughts are wrong and I need to get rid of them because if I get too attached to him, it'll be my end and he'll really destroy me. There's no bright future for any of us. He would break my heart, while I'm only one of the other bitches who fall for him.

I can't let this happen to myself, although I already lost because I want him more than anything in moments like these. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

After he left, I took a quick shower and put some comfortable clothes on. I need to distract myself.

When I open my eyes, someone knocks on the door. I stop for a second. Who could it be?

The girls are making heads spin downstairs and there’s nobody else who knows that I’m here. Red hood has a key or he would kick the door open...

Maybe it’s one of the guys from earlier… I hold my breath, as if the person on the other side could hear me breathing.

That's how I always feel when red hood leaves. I don't like being left alone. I don’t like having to deal with these type of things on my own.

They knock again and I walk towards the door in the darkness.

I lit up a few candles to got more comfortable but they are not enough. The door doesn't have a peephole so I lean my ear against it, hoping that I can hear something.

Then I hear his voice and my heart stops. I wanted him to come and now he's here.

Now I'm scared. Why did he come back so fast? He was so furious, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to talk to him.

“Lucille… I know you're not sleeping yet…” he says and my heart stops. He sounds like he has cotton in his mouth or a knot in his tongue. He doesn’t yell or sound mad at all…

“Let me in... I won't hurt you.” he says and there's something else in his voice that tells me he's not okay.

He sounds hurt, tired and angry at the same time. That’s what I can tell from behind the door. He should have a key and usually he would enter without even knocking, no matter if I'm changing my clothes, studying, taking a shower or sleeping.

I open the door and he falls on me because he leaned his forehead against the door. I hold him up and groan. “You're… So heavy.” I say and he slowly backs off.

I get surprised when I see that he still hasn't washed off the blood on his face. What has he done while he was gone? Why is he here and why is he drunk? He can barely open his eyes. I lead him to the bed and help him to sit down.

I get on my knees, in front of him, and look at him. “What happened to you?” I'm not sure if he's angry or exhausted yet, so I don't know what I need to say or how I should talk but I think that's a good start. All he could do about it is tell me that it’s not my business.

“How much did you drink?“ I add because he doesn’t seem to want to answer my question. He doesn’t seem to be able to yell at me for crossing his lines.

“Doesn't matter.“ he says, looking like he's going to fall asleep. His eyes are fluttering. I have no clue how to deal with drunk red hood. In these four months, I’ve never seen him like this because he always made sure to be in the right state of mind all the time.

“I can't believe that you drove like this! You must be really stupid! Something could've happened to you! Are you crazy?“ I get angry, remembering that he came here somehow. I’s not like he teleported or beamed here. He can barely keep his eyes open, let alone drive a whole car.

I stand up.

I really can't believe him. This is making me mad. I’m about to slap him until he’s sober.

I get the first aid kit and a shirt that would fit him.

“I am…“ he says and I clench my jaw. His brain is working too slow right now.

The thought of him getting hurt or having an accident makes me crazy. Even seeing him like this is upsetting. He has no idea what he’s doing to himself. Who am I tp judge?

“I see! You could've died! What made you drink so much, stupid dickhead?“ I ask, when I help him to lay down. He stares at the ceiling and looks so done with everything that it makes me even more upset. I’m asking myself what could be upsetting enough to get him in this position. I’ve never seen anything trigger him into being fed up and done. Not this much. I'm sure that something happened to him, after he left because the little fight can't be the reason for this.

I sigh and sit down next to him. When I look at him, my heart burns a little bit because of how broken he looks. Especially with the blood all over his face.

Yes, I wanted him to be here but not like this. I really didn't expect this. I don't know why he is here but I'm glad that he's not somewhere else.

I can't waste my time with thinking about what to do. This time it's my turn to play the bigger role.

“Don't do this ever again!“ I say, angrily and see a little smirk on his lips. That is somehow cooling down my burning heart.

“Are you telling me what to do?“ he asks and I nod. “Yes, I am!“ wow, it actually feels cool to have the bigger balls for once. To be able to tell him what to do. He's taking care of me all the time, mostly in a good way and I won't just leave him like this now.

I'll clean his face first.

“My Mom… Said I'm exactly like my dad.“ he mumbles, getting serious but I can hear the sadness in his husky voice. My shoulders drop.

I clean my throat because I feel the need to. He never tells me something about him. He has never mentioned anything about his personal life and now he dropped this bomb. I don't know anything personal about him and now there’s this and I have no idea what to do with it.

I don't know if I should take advantage of his situation and listen to what else he has to say. It would be wrong to do that and I wouldn’t feel well about it, otherwise it could be the only chance I have to find out more about him. He would never say this while sober.

“Isn't that something good?“ I ask and he shakes his head. I see how his eyes are shining. Tears are threatening to roll down his face. For a second I freeze and stare at him, totally amazed and confused at the same time. I’m shocked. I didn’t even think that he would have enough water in his body to produce tears.

“If I would know… That I'm going to end up like him, then I would kill myself before that happens.“ I'm not sure if I should be surprised because he is able to build a whole sentence, without stuttering, while being this drunk or because of what he said and how close he is to cry.

That means he's doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad… I'm asking myself why. Maybe he’s the way he is because of his dad. That could be a reason. I have so many questions right now but I can’t ask him any of them.

“I’m not like him. I'm afraid of being like him. He f****d up my whole life.“ he says and his eyelids flutter again. I furrow my eyebrows.

What did his dad do to make him feel this way and turn him into the person he is right now? So he is the reason for this all? Now I'm really curious about his life. I'm sure there are things that also mean that he is softer than he acts like. I know he has a hurt heart. That’s why he is the way he is.

This heartbreak can’t be caused by a lover or a friend and it can’t be healed by a lover or a friend.

The only way to heal that hurt heart is to forgive you and the person who put their hands around your heart and squeezed it until it bled out.

I can see that he only wants love. That his inner child wants to be hugged and protected. I can see that he doesn't want to be lonely and that he actually hates the nights in which he is driving around, all alone… That his thoughts were louder than his surroundings for way too long.

He's not as mean, heartless and emotionless as he acts to like.

I slowly start to clean his face. He doesn’t need to talk more. I don't want him to continue. I can see how much it hurts him and that's enough for now.

He groans when I touch one of his wounds. We stay in silence until I'm done. He keeps looking at me and that makes me a little nervous. Moving under his vision always makes me nervous.

I finish cleaning his face and help him to sit up again. I grab the black sweater that's way too big for me and help him to take his jacket and his shirt off. He's not resisting. He's making everything easier by raising his arms. Thankfully.

His naked upper body distracts me for a whole minute. I’m seeing it for the first time. He has a wide chest and a six pack. His abs are big and his skin is so smooth that I have to fight myself and my demons to not touch it. I'm afraid of taking this opportunity and doing something or letting him do something that will ruin everything between us... Something that we'll regret.

I'm sure he won't even remember this, so I can take advantage of him but I won't. I’m not like this and neither he is.

Just when I want to help him to get into the sweater, he grabs both of my wrists and pulls me closer to him. I tightly hold onto the sweater because it’s the only thing giving me strength in this moment. I look at him, eyes wide open and hold my breath. He looks deep into my eyes like he's totally sober. Was this all just acting? Was it a test? I could actually believe that he's acting. He looks at my lips.

God, give me strength…

Just when I think that I'm strong enough to resist him, he does these things that make me totally weak…