All Night

Liars and lies

Lucille

Suddenly my door gets kicked open and I scream. For a second I thought that one of the guys made it upstairs. But it’s him. Red hood slams the door shut and walks towards me, with bloody hands. Blood is running down his eyebrow and temple. They scratches his neck. His hair is messy and his veins are visible. He's breathing heavily and approaching me too fast. I don't move again. What is wrong with me?

When only inches are left between us and his body touches mine, he grabs my face so roughly that it hurts and looks deep into my eyes. I knew it. I knew he would hurt me. Sooner or later he would lose it and attack me as well. I pray that he remembers what Pablo told him/

His chest is going up and down very fast. I realize once again how big he is and that turns me on. although it shouldn't right now. It’s not the right time for that. I feel like this is my end.

He leans in and comes closer, pressing my body against the window I closed when he stormed in.

I start breathing heavier as well. Note to myself: If he gets angry next time, do what he says and hide until he calms down.

“You will never, ever, ever stand that far away from me again!” he says and I swallow. I’m nervous. I pray that he changes his mind and doesn’t hurt me. “If I have to, I'll handcuff or glue you on me but you'll never stand that far away from me again, do you understand me?” he asks and I nod in pain. His grip is getting tighter with every second and I can’t breathe like this.

“Ten Inches distance maximum!” water from his wet hair drops on my face. He’s all wet. So I am but on places he can’t see.

“You're not going to leave my side again and when I tell you to do something, you do it immediately!” his voice gets louder with every word. I nod again and try to look away because looking at him right now makes me feel uncomfortable and I want to get out of his grip. “Look at me.” he says and his grip tightens even more. My jaw is going to break.

I moan on pain and put my hand on his wrist, hoping he will let me go. This made him angrier than I thought but he's right. It was risky for me to stand there and not obey. I should've been right behind him or just walked inside, the moment I realized that they would have to handle this on their own. Pablo would be disappointed. I'm so stupid sometimes. Or all the time.

He lets me go and I can feel the blood heading back to my cheeks again. He wipes the blood on his forehead away with the back of his hand. He's still bleeding.

“You're bleeding.” I quietly say, hoping he calmed down a little bit. My cheeks are hurting a lot and I’m sure they’ll hurt some more. “Yeah, I'm the one who's bleeding, not you so it's fine.” he says and I feel bad.

He's bleeding because of me. I wish I could do something for him. I didn’t want him to get hurt or get in that situation.

“I-…” I start a sentence but he cuts me off, without turning around to me while he just walks towards the door. “Shut the f**k up.” he says and leaves. My stomach drops. Now I feel even worse. I really need to shut up. I'm making him angrier than he already is...

Toni

I call Pablo while I run down the stairs. He asks me about what happened since he already saw everything through the cameras or heard it. I explain it to him and get into my car. It's more than he only saw.

Those guys already left after we almost killed them but it got worse. “They're probably part of another organization. I don't know yet.” I say and start driving.

He takes a deep breath. He's getting angry. Starting beef like this between mafias, always gets bigger.

“They must be stupid to make such an easy mistake.” he says and he's right. That's really unprofessional and immature.

“Take up arms and be careful with Lucille.” again. Always Lucille. What's the deal with her? Why do I have to be careful with her?

Why the f**k is she so god damn important and why do I have to take care of her, why do I have to do all this s**t for her and him?

Why is she so different from the other ones?

She is a f*****g normal girl that's working for us like every other girl here so why the f**k does he act like she's so special and tells me that I should take care of her whenever I talk to him?

“Don't leave her alone. Not even for a second. Make sure that she stays safe.”

I'd love to ask what the f**k would happen if she gets hurt or if I don't give a damn and don't take care of her.

If I just say no and start to do something else. If I just leave her alone or let her do all the dirty things that the other ones are doing as well. Unfortunately I can't do that because I owe this man so much…

“Of course.” I say and hang up. ‘Of course.’ I can't say or do anything else.

I park in front of the house and walk in. I find mom in front of the tv, with a bottle of wine like always. What else did I expect?

“You're finally home.” she is annoyed and pissed. Not even looking at me. It's amazing how loved and wanted I am. I sigh and walk towards her. She looks at me and her jaw drops. She puts the bottle away and stands up.

“What happened to you?” she asks, totally shocked. I love how she acts like she actually cares or worries about me. She reaches out to touch my face but I push her hand away very roughly. I don't need her to do that.

“Don't act like you care.” I say and she gives me a look that says 'Don't say that. You know I care' but I know she doesn't. I have enough of people in my life who keep lying to me. That's one of the things that I hate the most. Liars and lies.

“I only came to check on you.” I say and look away. Pablo was right. It's not like I don't have a heart. She's still family and I have to do this because she has nobody else.

“To check on me?” she’s really pissed. “You're never at home, I never know where you are or who you’re with and now you care? How do your expect me to be?” she asks, putting her hands on her hips. I sigh again.

“Do you think it's enough to come and check on me once a month?” good, I take back what I said. I regret checking on her and Pablo wasn't right. Now I remember why I don't like being here.

Why are women always talking so much? Do they never get tired or am I the one who talks too less?

“You don't need to know where I am or who I'm with. I'm here. That's enough.” I say and she shakes her head. Talking to her is really tiring and exhausting.

It's hard to explain because I'm not going to tell her that I have a house in the hills and many different cars, that I have a second life that she doesn't know about and that I'm mostly alone because I still have no friends.

“Ay dios mios you could die and I wouldn't find out about it!” she raises her voice but I roll my eyes. She's always exaggerating and I'm tired of having this conversation.

“Toni; I am worrying about you, why won't you understand that? You're coming home with a bloody face, you're with dangerous people and you're driving a Ferrari this time. Where is that money coming from? What are you doing? What is happening to you?” she gets louder with every word and my ears already feel like they’re going to implode.

She wants to make my head explode. She makes my blood boil. She's always doing this. I don't remember the last time we didn't argue.

What's happening to me? She says she doesn't know who I'm with but then she says I'm with dangerous people? How does she even know that? She doesn't know me. She doesn't know s**t.

I clench my jaw. “I've always been like this but of course you don't know that because you don't know me and you've always been busy with your perfect son.” I say, totally disgusted.

I don't like rolling this up again but it's the truth. I know how much more she loves him than me.

She looks angry. I think I lost my respect for her, the day I heard what dad said about her. The day he slapped and did more things to her that I don't want to think about. The day she drunk so much that she passed out, when we needed her the most.

She never thought about any of us. She's so selfish, I can totally understand dad but I will never forgive him either. He could've at least taken me with him. I swear I would've went with him wherever he would’ve taken me.

I understand that he didn't want my f*****g brother because he's like mom but we… We've always been a dream team…

I knew how much he loved me, although he never showed it… Or maybe he didn't and that's what I'd love to believe in.

We've never been the father and son who played baseball in the backyard or watched matches together on the tv and worked on cars together.

He's been doing his dirty jobs and we've only been bothering him. But at some point he loved me. I know that. It has to be like this and I have to tell that myself, before I lose my mind completely.

I know I should've never lost my respect for her but in that moment I was just so disgusted and pissed that someone like her is my mom. She couldn't keep my dad around and she couldn't keep us with her disgusting behavior.

That's why I hate women. Especially those who are weak. She's one of them...

“You know that's not true. I love you both equally!” she's not the kind of woman who gets sad and soft. She gets angrier and forces me to get angry as well because she loves challenging me. Seeing how stressed and aggressive I am, makes her feel good. She won't give up and she just disgusts me. She literally wants to fight and if she wants to fight that's totally fine because I'll help her with that.

“Oh, come on. Your one and only, lovely son is so much more important to you because he goes to Harvard and everybody loves him so so much more! He's a f*****g angel!” I say, although we both already know it.

“He did something for his future and saved himself! He didn't waste his time outside like you! Gra-...” I cut her off and my voice is louder than it should be.

“Don’t mention his f*****g name!” my voice is shaky and loud. I can't stand hearing his name. He is unbearable. I wouldn't talk about him but I know exactly that she hates me so much because of him. Because I'm not like him. I only don't know yet, if it's my or his fault. Or hers. Or ours.

“What makes you hate him so much?” she asks, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her furrowed eyebrows make me even angrier and even if I would try to explain it to her, she wouldn't understand it, so I rather keep it to myself...

Talking to her won't really help and even the thought of these both make me really sick. I already feel like s**t and this is one of the other reasons why I hate coming here and visiting her.

She always brings up things that make me wanna throw up because she loves to remind me that I'm not enough and never will be.

Nobody loves me. Nobody ever will. It's not like I want the people to love me but at least one person who appreciates me and likes me for who I am and sees the real me…