All Night

Monsters in the dark

After hours we walk back to the car, across the street, with at least five bags in our hands… In his hands. What a stupid gentleman. I cross my arms in front of my chest because I'm mad. It took us hours to get the perfect outfits and with perfect I mean perfect for this business and not me. The things we bought are so slutty, inappropriate, permissive and indecent. Things I would never wear. I feel uncomfortable when I think about me wearing them in front of anybody. I know I'm doing this for my family but what would they think if they would see me wearing that stuff? They would be ashamed and embarrassed… 

He puts the bags on the backseat and after he closes the doors he looks at me. I furrow my eyebrows. He furrows his eyebrows as well, as if only he is allowed to do that. 

“You look so hot in these clothes that I would f**k you…“ he says, totally serious, while my blood starts boiling. I clench my fists and start breathing heavier. I didn’t want to hear this from him and it’s disgusting of him to mention that. He knows how old I am and how much I hate him but it shouldn’t surprise me that he doesn’t care about that

He starts smiling. 

“Shut up!“ I say loudly. I don't care if I went too far. It makes me angry that he's talking like this. He is disrespectful and annoying. I don't get this. Usually he's cold and mean and then starts saying stuff like this. 

He just licks his lips and gets into the car.

“Disgusting asshole.“ I say, making sure that he won't hear it. After that, I get in the car as well. 

How am I supposed to stay with him now? Knowing what he thinks of me makes me feel uncomfortable when I’m alone with him. He should’ve kept his dirty fantasies to himself. 

After driving for a few minutes, I yawn. I'm so tired and it's already 4am. It’s not easy for me to stay awake for such a long time. It feels like we've done so much that I’m already really exhausted and sleepy. I think I have every right to feel this way but I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay awake and the seat is so comfortable that I could really fall asleep every second. It's warm in here and so comfortable with the music that's playing quietly. It must be way more comfortable to sleep here than in the room I spent last night in. I slowly close my eyes.

Suddenly he slaps me with the back of his hand and I wince. “b***h you ain't going to sleep tonight. We still have a lot to do!“ he’s really serious. I understand that he’s rude because he has to do his job or just because he’s a bad person but why can’t he let me sleep for a few minutes? Does he have to slap and hurt me? 

“Do you have to hurt me? Why can't you be nice?“ I rub my eyes, totally angry at him.

“Just shut the f**k up and stay awake.“ he says and I roll my eyes. Why did I even think that I could talk to him like a normal human being or that he would give me a real answer? 

I groan and run my hands over my face.

After a few minutes, we stop in the shadow of a building. It's empty here. It must be the uncrowned place of this city. It’s silent. 

He clenches his jaw. I sigh. We stay in silence for a while until he asks “See that old man on the ATM machine?“ out of nowhere. I follow his eyes and look in the direction he's looking in. There's an old man with a small bag in his hand. He seems to be picking up some money. At this time? Must be an emergency… 

I nod and look at red hood. He better not want from me what I think he will want from me…

He pulls out a gun and releases the safety of it. Then he holds it towards me. My eyes widen. I can’t breathe. I knew he was armed but I didn’t know that he was carrying it around with him the whole time. 

“Rob him.“ he sounds totally emotionless. My heart starts pounding. Is he okay? I start shaking and shake my head. He has a gun in his hand and wants me to rob an old man with it. If I resist, he will shoot me, if I don’t, I will shoot him. How can he expect me to do this? I'm not going to rob anybody and I can't even touch this thing. I’ve never even seen a real gun in my life. 

“He's an easy victim. He shouldn't pick up money at this time. It’s his fault.“ he says and something is different about him. The way he talks… Something changes and it scares me because he’s saying things that aren’t true and he looks angry and crazy. I can hear the hate in his voice. He sounds like he has a personal problem with this man but I don’t believe that. What is his problem and where is his heart?

“I can't do this! What if he needs that money? He's old, he could need it for his grandkids or for his medication! He can't even protect himself!“ I say, looking straight into his eyes, hoping I can reach something that is left in him. He looks really annoyed and mad.

“I think I'm actually going to cut your f*****g tongue off. How can a human talk so much? he says and I can hear the anger in his voice again. It scares me but I need to convince him to not make me do this. It’s probably a test and I need to try to cheat on it. “I don’t know how to use a gun. What if I hurt somebody and-…“ suddenly he grabs my face. So roughly that it hurts. I’m sure it will leave bruises. Again. His face is so close to mine. He will actually make me get a heart attack one day.

“If you don't want me to cut Tyler's throat open and cover everything with his blood then move your pretty ass out there and get me is money!“ he says through his teeth and makes my heart stop. His words keep repeating themselves in my head and I know I have to make a choice of it. Even the thought of it makes me weak. He knows how to make me do whatever he wants. He knows my weakness. I hate how he reminds me of it. Of the fact that he could hurt my family whenever he wants. 

His grip hurts. He lets me go so roughly that my head flings to the right side. Tears build up in my eye balls.

“I hate you.“ I say and take the gun. “I love you too, babygirl.“

The gun feels so heavy in my hand that I need to hold it tight to not let it fall. I don’t think about the fact that I’m carrying it with me right now because it would make me panic and I could really hurt somebody. I should shoot red hood… But I’m not able to kill somebody. 

Not only the gun is heavy, everything is heavy. Even the air. Too heavy for me to handle. 

I swallow, although my mouth is very dry right now. How am I supposed to rob an old man? How am I supposed to do this to him? He looks so vulnerable and fragile… The perfect soft grandpa. But according to red hood, he’s the perfect victim. 

I’m asking myself what he's doing here, at this time, while I'm walking towards him. He doesn’t even know what’s waiting for him. I pull my hoodie over my head and look around to make sure that we're alone. 

He takes the money in his hand and is about to put his credit card away. In that moment I point the gun at him, knowing red hood already removed the safety. Everything could go wrong now. I need to be careful. I don't even know how to hold it but I try to show it off when I speak to him.

“Give me your money!“ I try to be brave and sound angry, when in reality I’m scared and nervous. My heart is aching. 

He looks at me, eyes wide open. He looks irritated and scared. 

Please don’t get a heart attack.

I feel like s**t. I'm turning into something that I hate and never wanted to be. 

“Please… No… I need this for my daughter. She is sick and I need this for her surgery! It’s an emergency!“ he sounds so old, broken and honest. I can feel a sharp pain in my chest. I knew it would be important to him and now I feel even worse… 

The gun in my hand is shaking. I feel the tears in my eyes. I was right. He needs it. We don't. He was probably getting it, last minute to save her.

“I worked hard for this!“ he adds and he is almost crying as well. How can I do something like this and what kind of person am I going to be after this? But how can I kill Tyler? I can’t kill Tyler because I’m too afraid to do this and feel bad for a stranger… 

I shake my head and bite my lip to not cry my eyes out. 

“Give me your f*****g money!“ I raise my shaking voice, although I don't want it. 

When he slowly holds it towards me, I grab it out of his hands and run back to the car. It's a lot of money. I need to be careful to not let it fall. I hear the old man screaming.

“Help! Someone help me!“ he screams. 

My heart breaks into a million pieces. How could I be so reckless? How could I do that? How am I going to forgive myself and how am I going to live with this? Who knows how sick his daughter actually is… He worked hard for it and he doesn't deserve this. 

I get into the car and throw the things on his lap, roughly, already looking at the road because I don’t want to look at him. He starts driving and a tear rolls down my cheek. I’m so stupid for doing this. I hate him for the way he is and now I’m not better than him.

“Damn. That was more professional than I thought. Good job, princess.“ he laughs and his laugh sounds very dirty but he doesn't know how much this changed for me. I'm not the same anymore and I never will be. He got what he wanted.

I wipe my tears away, with the back of my hand. I don't even mind that he called me princess. He’s just a piece of s**t to me. To me I'm just a weak coward, who doesn't know what to do. I robbed someone. I threatened someone and probably ruined his life. I said ugly things and I never swear or anything close to this. I did it so quickly, without blinking… I stole someone's opportunity to save a life… I'm so heartless. I thought I’d always do the right thing in every situation. Turns out I don’t.

“I’m proud of you.“ he sounds really impressed. If he would only know how much I hate myself for this. This is easy for him but for me it's unacceptable. People would be so disappointed in me if they would find out about this. I ruined everything. I ruined myself.

“Wasn't it easy?“ he asks. Normally I'm the one who’s asking and he's not answering but now… I don't feel like talking ever again. I don't deserve being able to talk.

'Yes, it was easy because he's an old man with a golden heart that needs money for his sick daughter and he couldn't even protect himself and I scared him to death with a loaded gun, so it was pretty easy.'

What if his daughter dies now? What if he has grandkids? What if these kids are going to lose their mother because of me? These were probably his last savings. I’m a monster. I’ve never felt this pain before. It’s way different than getting your heart broken or hitting your elbow somewhere. It’s way deeper than that. If someone would've told me that I would do something like this one day, I would've called that person crazy. But now I can't run away from what I've done and there’s no turning back. It'll chase me but who knows what else I'll do. This was surely only the beginning.

He could've given me something easier but he's a psychotic asshole that I'm going to kill, as soon as I make it out of here.

He notices that I'm not talking and that I’m mad, having a war with myself but he doesn't care. At least he shuts up as well. I can't stand hearing his voice right now. I don't understand how he can enjoy this or how he can be proud of me. He isn't normal. Even the fact that he thinks I could enjoy it or see it as easy as him, shows how crazy he is. I did this only because of what he said about Tyler and nothing else. It's already 4:30 and I'm not even tired anymore.

When we arrive back at the club, I get off the car and walk in by my own. The club is filled. The music is loud and people are going in and out or waiting in front of it. They look at me but I don't care. I walk in and then straight downstairs.

Red hood is following me with fast steps. I can hear that but I wish he would disappear. Since I know where I'm going to stay, I walk straight towards the door and open it.

He's still following me but I just look at him and slam the door right into his face, not minding the darkness. It took him one day to get me used to the darkness. One night to pull me into his own darkness. Congratulations.