All Night

I'm afraid

”You're always the best and perfect in any way. Everybody loves you.“ she’s looking at me like I'm her enemy and carries so much hate in her voice that I can’t even recognize her. I am so disappointed in her for treating me like this but she should know me. She should know that I won’t let her disrespect me. I’m only asking myself what happened and why she is saying these things now. Where is this coming from? I never knew that she kept these things inside her and that I was so annoying to her. I feel stupid for not noticing earlier that she had these type of thoughts. 

”That's Not true and you know that! Stop acting like a child!“ I give back, trying to calm down but instead I raise my voice because I can’t control it. I’m mad at her for acting like that and I’m frustrated. 

Some students are already looking at us and I bet that they will start filming if we continue. I don’t want that. I don’t want to argue at all right now. 

”I saw you as my sister while you actually just wanted to get rid of me!“ I start breathing faster and with every word I notice how my anger gets fed. I frown and clench my jaw. I wish I wouldn’t have to do this but I’m about to let all my anger and frustration, that has been built up in the last months, out on her. If she's acting like this then I don't have another choice then fighting back.

“I did so much for you and you used me! You are you because of me!“ I can’t believe that this is coming out of my mouth but she pushed me this far. I didn’t know that it was this easy to provoke me but until now nothing has ever brought me to this point. Maybe it is time. I really did a lot for her. I always got her out of shitty situations because I really saw her as my sister. That means that I was ready to do anything for her. I don't want to be like this and act so arrogant and disgusting but I am not going to shut up and let her do this to me. She started it and I will end it. 

”If you get hurt again, don't come back, begging for me because you need a friend!“ I turn around to leave but she says “Lucille… wait!“ I turn around in one move and raise a brow. My heart is racing and I wish I wouldn’t have to look at her like that but she deserves it. I know that she wouldn’t look this regretful at me, if I wouldn’t have fired back. She would’ve enjoyed every second of roasting me until I’d turn into ashes. Then she would blow me away. I saw her real face once, there is no turning back.

”I’m sorry. What I said wasn't how I really think and you know that I was just been angry. I-..“ she doesn't continue her sentence but she sound like she's regretting it, yet I know she isn't. I know her too well by now. She only realized that she doesn’t have anybody else who would listen to her drama. She knows that she needs me but I don’t. I deal with worse things that she has no ideas of. 

This isn't the first time that this is happening, I gave her many chances but this time her words actually hurt a lot. This time she went way too far and now she regrets oversharing. This was what I meant when I said that she can be exhausting sometimes. She can't always break my heart and then just apologize. 

I cross my arms in front of my chest. ”I can't believe this is happening because of a guy.“ I thought nothing could tear us apart but it was really easy. Seems like Cole has a different place in her heart. He can have it because I don’t want it anymore. 

”None of what I said is how I feel for you! I swear! It was just that one moment and I didn't want to-..“ I cut her off because I don’t even want to hear her voice anymore. “Don't worry you won't have to deal with me anymore.“ I say, not minding what she said because it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t count. This friendship needs to end somewhere. It’s sad but we can’t go back to normal after this. I don't have the nerves for that. I just want her to know what it feels like when she has to deal with her own problems, without me helping her. She can't use me all the time and now I know her real face… This must end before she knows about my real face…

☾

I open the door and walk in to find dad and Tyler in front of the tv. They're always watching baseball games together. I’m used to seeing them like that and I like this view a lot. It gives me comfort and really makes me feel home. I feel like that’s one of the few things that won’t ever change, even if everything falls apart.

Dad smiles when he sees me.

“Hello, princess! How was school?“ I walk up to him and kiss his cheek. I try to not think about the argument between Romy and me. It's not like I would ever tell him about it. It’s too childish and I don’t want him to worry about something stupid like this. That’s why I lie. 

”It was okay.“ I try to smile because he deserves to think that I’m okay. That everything is fine. I don’t want him to know that my heart hurts whenever I look at him and see him smile. My heart hurts whenever I think of this smile fading. 

Tyler gives me an annoyed glance that makes me feel uncomfortable. I only walked through this door and he already hates me. That’s enough for him to get annoyed. He literally makes the air thicken. That's how it always goes. Everything seems so normal and perfect but it's not and it never will be.

After I wash my hands, I walk into the kitchen to get some cold water since it's really hot outside and also in here. 

Mom is cooking… I try to not mind her and walk straight to the refrigerator but her presence is bothering me. It’s triggering me that I’m in the same room as her. 

Then I take a glass and fill some water in it. The only noises are coming from the boiling water in the pot and my moves.

“That's a really nice skirt. Is it new?“ she asks, trying to break the ice but all she did was break the silence which I enjoyed a lot and I think at this point the ice is too thick to break. Someone should tell her that it doesn't go like that. We can’t have normal conversations. My skirt is new and I really love it but I'm sure I won't wear it ever again just because she likes it as well. Whatever is pretty to her, is ugly to me. I don’t even want to share the same opinion as her.. “No.“ I say and sip my water. Her smile fades a little bit.She doesn’t deserve any real answers or truths or informations.

“Are you going to stay for dinner?“ she asks. She's asking because I usually eat outside with Romy. We either go to the library or to her place. Mostly because I don’t like to be home since I can’t stand sitting at the same table as my family but also because we like to do things together. I'm trying to spend as much time outside as I can. I can't stand seeing mom fake her love for dad all the time. It hurts and makes my appetite go away. Even the way she looks makes me freak out and it hurts to see that dad is blinded by his love. He can’t see that she isn’t meaning it and I also can’t stand being around Tyler either. 

Unfortunately I don’t have a place to go, now that Romy and I aren’t friends anymore.

I just nod. She looks strained. Exhausted from carrying everything with her but she deserves it. She did this to herself. Sometimes I do feel bad for her but then I remember that she didn’t even try to give up her lover for Tyler and me. She loves that man more than us and if I would ever get to know him I would tell him to get her and take her far away because I can’t do this anymore. She would give us up for everything she wants… We don’t matter to her. Sooner or later she will leave us for him. 

“Good.. This dinner is important.“ she says, giving me a specific look. In this moment my heart jumps out of my body and my stomach drops. I clench my fist automatically. It feels like the blood in my veins is freezing. My mouth goes dry.

“Are you..?“ before I can finish my sentence she nods. I knew it was coming but I didn’t think that it would come this early. Knowing that she will end it tonight hits me like a brick and gives me an awkward feeling. I don’t know what to think or say. Wasn’t I waiting for this? Didn’t I want her to be honest to dad and leave, if she doesn’t want to give up her lover? I did but I also know that it means that our family will fall apart and that’s not easy. I prepared myself for this for months but nothing could’ve prepared me for the real moment. It scares me and makes me anxious. If I wouldn’t be so mad at her I would sit on the ground and start crying like a child because I don’T know what to do but I also don’t want her to keep leading my dad on. This needs to happen.

I frown and feel how my whole body hurts. I put the water away and rush out of the kitchen. With every step I start to breathe faster. I can’t control it and I don’t want to be this anxious but knowing what’s going to happen is like knowing that you have to die. 

Imagining what could happen after is making me crazy. I’m afraid of what could happen. What could be waiting for us. I’m afraid that dad will leave us because he’ll be mad at her. I’m afraid of Tyler’s reaction and moms decision and their reaction when they find out that I knew about it. I know this is something between them but I feel so guilty. I feel horrible… 

I walk past dad and Tyler and literally run upstairs. As soon as I enter my room, I close my door and lean my back against it. I take deep breaths and close my eyes, trying to believe that this won't end as a war and that everything will be fine or that she'll tell me that she will give her lover up for dad or anything else that won't make me feel like this anymore. Anything that could save this family. Unfortunately I already saw her decision in her eyes. It's killing me.. Knowing it is killing me. I wish I would've never found out about it. I wish she would’ve continued lying to me. It would’ve been easier like that. 

The shock would’ve been better than the guilt and the heavy weight of hating her for months.

I open my eyes and feel my heart still racing. There’s no way to hide from this dinner. I could run away or basically not go but that wouldn’t be fair.

I sigh and sit down on my bed which is next to the window. I look outside for a while , hoping to find a solution or a way to comfort my dad later, until I hear my phone ringing.

It's Romy. I furrow my eyebrows and decline. After what she said today she doesn't need to call me…. 

Romy

I feel so stupid for what I said. How did these words escape from my mouth? That's really not the way I feel for her and I know that she won’t believe me, no matter how often I will explain it to her. I know her too well... I didn't mean to hurt her and she doesn't even deserve it. 

Yes, I've been angry and jealous in the past because she's always the best in everything. Everybody loves her and people can’t escape her charming eyes and her smooth voice. She's an angel and I'm just her little sidekick that everybody sees as a b***h but I still shouldn't have been so mean to her because I don’t feel like that anymore… 

She won't pick up and that breaks my heart.

I need to find away to make it up to her. She should know how much I love her.

“Are you coming?” Cole asks. I look at him and then at my phone. She warned me about him. More than once…

“Yes..”

Lucille 

I walk down when mom calls me for dinner. My steps are so heavy and slow that I can feel my feet begging me to go back upstairs but I have no choice. 

I took a really short nap, hoping that I would wake up and that this all would only be a dream. The whole affair, the argument with Romy. It was a sadness nap. You know when you only want to sleep when you're sad... Trying to not spend too much time awake?

The table is already set. Ready to be destroyed. Dad and Tyler are sitting across from each other like always. They love each other… That's why I never tell anybody about how mean he is to me. Their relationship is so strong and I don’t want to ruin that. It's not really important anyway.

I sit down next to Tyler as usually, while mom fills our plates with the food that I once saw as delicious... Now it takes me a lot of strength to swallow it. I can't even really swallow it.

Dad looks as happy as always. He loves having his family around at dinner. Especially not that I’m there but I just look at my food and we eat in silence. I eat very slowly, expecting my moms bomb to go off any second. Actually I'm just picking on my food, hoping they believe that I’m really eating. 

“Honey, aren't you hungry? You've barely touched your food.” mom says. The fact that she has the audacity to ask me that… The fact that she has enough appetite to eat seems so wrong to me. Why do I feel like I’m the only one who feels bad about it? She’s acting like she’s been in prison all this time and in a few minutes she’ll finally be free. My eyes start burning, tears threaten to roll down my cheeks when I think about how even Tyler and I are prison to her. She doesn’t love us enough to stay. 

I look at her and see how dad looks at us… Confused with furrowed eyebrows. I need to get myself back together really quick.

“Uh.. no no I was just thinking about something, sorry.” I say and start to eat. Every bite feels like mud in my mouth.

After dinner I want to help mom to clean up but she says “Could you both please leave me and your dad alone? I'll clean the table.” with a shaking voice. I can see it in her eyes. She's worried too. Maybe even afraid. I still don’t believe that these are her honest emotions. 

One side of me sympathizes with her because she's only a woman too and she can't do anything if she feels something for somebody else because nobody is in charge of feelings but my other side hates her so much for what she has done and is still doing. So much that I could kill…

I slowly nod.

Tyler looks confused but he stands up as well and leaves. He goes to his room. I slowly walk upstairs but stop halfway and sit down on the stairs to watch them through the railing.. I want to make sure that she tells him everything without skipping any part, any tricks or denying it.

She starts talking. Finally. My hands start shaking. 

“There is something that I wanted to tell you For a while now.” her voice is fragile and I’m hungry like a wolf that is waiting to be fed. Her confession is my food. 

Dad furrows his eyebrows and my heart starts racing extremely fast. I can almost hear it beating in my chest. I’m afraid that they could hear it. 

“Tell me about it.” he says and he sounds so optimistic that I start tearing up again. I lean my forehead against the railing and try to hold back my tears.

Her cheating on him would never cross his mind. He is so innocent and pure that it hurts.

“I... I did something that you will hate me for.” she's about to cry. Just like me but I have the right to. She doesn’t. She lost the right when she told another man that she loves him. When she lied about staying outside all day. When she looked into my eyes and told me to keep it to myself. 

I know I shouldn't do this and leave them alone but I just can't. I need to see every moment. 

Now he looks worried. He finally realizes that something awful is going on. 

“What did you do? Elizabeth, you're making me worry.” he puts one hand on hers. My heart shatters into a million pieces by that caring move because it’s one-sided. I cover my mouth to not let out a whine when she slowly pulls her hand away. Hot tears roll down the back of my hand. 

“I told my mom I would visit her and stay for a while.” she continues and my jaw drops. Dad hates my grandma because she didn't want them both to get married because of reasons that I don't know about. I don’t need to know anyway. It’s not important anymore. 

“Why?” he is totally shocked because he doesn’t understand why she is doing this. I wish he wouldn’t have to know. 

“I need to get away from here..” she says and I feel my blood boiling. I knew it. I knew that she won’t make it. 

“But why? You know there's nothing that we can't handle together.” my heart breaks once again at how good and pure my dad is. His good intentions are wasted potential with this woman. This cruel monster. 

“No. I can't. Maybe you can but I can't. I'm sorry.” she shakes her head. She is crying. I clench my yaw.

“Are you leaving me? For what? Tell me what happened so we can fix it. You can't do this like that. We are a family! You need to tell me what's going on. I don't understand this!” he says. He sounds so hurt and irritated… I swallow my tears.

“Yes I am.. and I can't tell you. It's better for the both of us..” she says and stands up, leaving him with at least a million questions marks in his head. This is not fair. She's doing it wrong… 

She didn’t tell him the truth. She didn’t tell him the reason. She made it so complicated and hurt him even more. I won’t let her do this. Not like this.

I stand up and rush down.. I won't let her go like this. He deserves to get an answer and know the truth. I don’t want to see him run after her or ask himself what he’s done wrong because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was always a loving father and husband. I won’t let her ruin him.