All Night

The night of broken hearts

He stands up as well and grabs both of her arms gently to stop her but she’s way too hysterical. 

“Why aren't you talking to me? What changed? I mean you need to have a reason to leave me! What's with our children? Lucille needs you!” he says but he doesn’t know that I am already done with her. He desperately tries to make her stay. Seeing him like this hurts. He is so upset and I can hear in his voice how he’s panicking because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

I walk towards them. When he sees me, he lets her go and clears her through to warn my mom. Mom turns around and I look at her, totally disgusted. She’s a coward and I don’t want to be the daughter of a coward, who hurts the man who loves her the most. Who worships her. 

I knew it. She wouldn't tell him everything. I knew she would just talk around it instead of getting to the point and that's exactly why I'm here. What I’m going to do is cruel and it’s not my place to do this but I have to because she won’t. She doesn’t even know what an amount of weight she put on her teenage daughters shoulders. She can’t expect me to act right with it. 

It makes me so furious that she wasn't going to tell him the truth. How did she even think about doing it? Did she think it would be this easy and that he would suffer less like this?

She was literally planning to leave to grandmas house, without telling him why and not even planning on coming back. Did she think she could walk out like that? Maybe she wasn't even planning on going to grandma. She's a liar and I'm ashamed of being her daughter. I feel so embarrassed to even think of that she could go to her lover after this. How was this supposed to work out? It's not as easy as she thinks it is. 

“Dad… Mom…” I feel my heart dropping racing and my voice is shaking. I swallow and watch how mom slowly shakes her head, giving me that warning look, that says I should shut up but I can't. It’s too late now. 

“Dad mom has been cheating on you.” I say in one breath and close my eyes, stiffening my whole body. I wish I wouldn't have said it. The regret hits me so fast that it hurts. It hits me like a brick. Can I just take it back? That's wrong. That was so wrong… What did I just do! As soon as the words came out of my mouth I felt how small I got… I bite my tongue.

I've never regretted anything that fast. I can't believe myself. Can't I just disappear? Is this happening? This is all my fault… This is something between them. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself.

I slowly open my eyes, when I hear mom bursting out in tears and see the tears in dad's eyes. I feel like I can't breathe… He clenches his fists and his jaw. This is the first time I see him look like that. 

“Elizabeth… What is Lucille talking about? Is this a stupid joke or something? It's not funny!” he raises his voice and mom quickly shakes her head. I flinch and I think at this point I should leave them alone. It’s awful to drop the bomb and then just leave but I did the damage and there’s no turning back.

I pressure my lips while mom opens her mouth to say something.

“I'm going to explain it..” she says and I run upstairs. I feel like a fraud. I came, destroyed everything and left. That one impulsive thought destroyed everything. It wasn’t my fault before but not it actually is. 

I never hated myself so much. Something like this never happen to me before because I always knew how to control myself but this time I didn’t know how to react so I kept messing everyone and everything up. 

Although I lock myself into my room, I can hear how they're arguing. How they're yelling at each other and throwing things on the ground and the walls. I can't understand what they're saying but it's killing me. It’s eating me from the inside and fills my body with anxiety.

I sit down on the ground and pull my knees the myself, holding onto them as if they could save me from this. Then I start crying like a baby.

How could I be so stupid and so selfish? Things would've been easier, if I would've just stayed quiet but I couldn't and now it's all my fault. How am I supposed to live with this now? I will have to deal with this forever. It’s irrecoverable. 

I can't do this. Only because I've been hurt, I need to hurt others as well and I hate that so much about myself.

I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands until I hear the front door being slammed shut and the silence that follows... I hold my breath, thinking that something will come but then I hear footsteps. Slow footsteps. Is It mom or dad? I slowly stand up and open my door. I walk towards their room and knock on the door but don't get an answer. My heart is pointing and my scalp is burning. I don’t know who’s waiting for me behind that door.

So I knock again but everything that comes back is silence, so I slowly open the door and see dad sitting on the corner of their bed, with his elbows leaned on his knees and his fists clenched… Obviously she was the one who left and I have to say that it makes me feel relieved. It was sure that someone had to leave.

Isn't it always like that? Someone always disappears when things go wrong, when things get difficult. Someone always gets left alone... Why should she stay?

He's angrier than I thought. He's also hurt. I know I wanted this but it shouldn't be like this. I feel so guilty for forcing her to do this because now if all is even worse since it's all my fault. I should've let her do it instead of jumping in. I can understand his hate but he's my dad. He won’t be mad at me for too long, right? He will comfort me, won't he? I feel like s**t and I know he'll be there for me like always…

“Dad?” I whisper, sitting down next to him. My voice is still shaking and so raw from crying. Tears roll down my cheek, while he's still looking at the ground.

“I'm sorry.” I say, knowing it won’t change a thing. I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to deal with this. My voice cracks and he shakes his head. 

“There's nothing you should be sorry for..” he says but the coldness in his voice says the opposite and that kills me. It suffocates me and takes my breath away. 

He's angry at me as well. No matter how much I want to believe in something else, it's impossible. And there are so many things I should be sorry for. 

“I should've told you.” I say. He needs to forgive me. He needs to say something... He needs to tell me it's okay. He's my dad, he needs to do something. I put my hand on his hand, like we always do it when we support each other. Until now it always made me feel safe and protected but now he slowly pulls his hand away and turns his back on me.

“It's fine. Please leave me alone for a while.” he says and I feel my heart breaking one more time. Him turning his back on me was the worst thing I’ve witnessed until now. It makes me feel alone and even more anxious. 

Yet I nod, although he can't see it.

My cheeks are burning. Everything hurts but I stand up and leave. He was so cold and distant and that makes me feel so lonely right now that I hate myself even more for believing it would be so easy. Of course he needs time.

When I look up, after closing the door, I see Tyler in front of me and my stomach drops. He’s the last one I want to see right now.

His jaw is clenched and he’s frowning more than normally. Of course he heard everything. 

I lower my looks and walk past him, back into my room but hear him following me. I wipe my tears away and turn around to him… 

“Are you happy now? Are you proud of yourself?” he asks with a cold voice. I’m a fool for thinking he would comfort me. I’m the one who destroyed everything. Nobody will comfort me. 

He won’t leave his behavior behind and be a supportive sibling. Not even in this moment.

I shake my head and slowly shrug,trying to not burst out in tears again. How could he think that I'm happy or proud? I'm angry at myself. I sympathize with myself. I’m at war with myself.

“Why should I?” I ask and feel my chin shaking. “Because you destroyed everything? You destroyed this family.” he's right but hearing it directly like that makes me feel sick. I can't blame him though. I destroyed this family. I did more than that. 

I start breathing heavier and feel my head spinning. What have I done?

“You just couldn't shut your mouth and you're a coward… a selfish coward.” he says, breathing trough his nose. A few tears roll down my cheek. Not because of his words. I’m used to his words. Because of the situation. Other siblings would probably be there for each other and go through it together but my brother just loves to make it worse..

He looks at me like he's disgusted and I’m a piece of dirt. “You're a shame.” he adds and turns around to leave. I gasp and ask “Why do you hate me so much?” I ask the questions that has been laying on my chest for way too long now. 

He slowly turns around. “All the time… You're so mean to me. No matter how hard I try and how much I love you, you just hate me.” I say, sobbing, with a shaking voice that makes him notice how sad I actually am and how weak I feel..

I never asked him about it. We never talk about these kind of things but I can't keep it in anymore. This is the night of truths. I always thought it would be normal that he's like this because he's a guy and we don’t have a bond but there must be a reason. I'm sure about that by now.

For only one second I can see something in his eyes. I could swear he got soft for a second. Then he frowns again. 

“You don't know it? You really don't know it?” his voice is softer than earlier and my heartbeat slows down a little bit. I shake my head and try to breathe between my tears.

He slowly walks towards me and asks “Do you know how it is to to have a perfect, angel sister that makes you look bad in whatever you do because you always get compared?” his voice gets deeper and I hold my breath because I’m confused.

“You are perfect in any way... No matter what you do… You're always the cute girl that everybody loves. You're a diamond.” I've never seen him so serious. That hurts me more than anything else and I think I can actually understand him. Now I also understand Romy. I thought she was wrong but apparently I was the only one who didn’t see it. They have the same reason to hate me.

“People aren't even aware of my existence because they're so busy with loving you. You could s**t on this carpet and they would applaud you.” he points at the carpet beneath our feet and I can see the anger in his eyes. 

I never knew that he's been feeling like he’s standing in my shadow. If I would be him I would hate myself too. Well I already do but I would've done it earlier. I don't want him to hate me or feel like this.

I actually need him, I'm not perfect, people love him too, he's not invisible and I wish he would know that.

“Tyler that's not-…” he cuts me off. I wish I could tell him everything but he won’t let me. “Forget it. Just forget it.” he says, totally disappointed and upset. I wish he would let me help him. I wish he would love me just like I love him, although he's so mean. I wish I could make things easier for him and he would just let it all aside for tonight and be there for me. But none of that will happen.

He leaves, slamming the door so hard that my heart breaks again. This is also the night of broken hearts. 

I burst out in tears again.. again and again.. I never cry because I never have a reason and I also don't know how to handle this heavy disgusting feeling but now I do.

Why is it so hard and bad for everyone that I'm being loved, successful, happy and pleased with myself? Why is it a problem for them? Why is it so hard for them to accept that and my love? I feel so stupid. Who knows who else hates me but doesn’t say...

I know the answers because I'm none of these. I'm not loved, successful, happy or pleased with myself. I'm lying to myself all the time and trying to make myself believe that I'm someone else. But that's not my worst problem now..

I grab my phone, still feeling like I can't breathe and call Romy. No matter what happened today and how angry we probably are at each other, we can still be there for each other, right? She’s the only one I want to see right now. 

I need to get out of here, even if it's only to get some fresh air for a few minutes.

She won't pick up so I call her again.And again but she doesn't answer. I throw my phone on the ground and run out, without taking my jacket or anything else with me...