All Night

Hazel eyes

Although it's a warm summer night, my body gets so cold that I get goosebumps with the wind that's sliding over my bare legs and arms. I guess that's what loneliness feels like. That's what it feels like to have the urge to disappear. 

There's nobody who is going to help me. Nobody will comfort me, forgive me or get me out of this situation. Nobody will be there for me. I have to get out of it by myself.

Tears keep rolling down my cheeks while I keep walking around the empty streets. It's already really late and dark. I left my phone at home and don’t know for how long I’m already walking around but I know that it’s late because there aren’t any people on the streets. Only a few. Only men.I didn't even realize that it got dark because I was busy with thinking about what happened. Every moment kept repeating itself in my head and I am tired of it. I should sit down somewhere and rest, think about what I should do after this because I don’t want to go back home. I feel bad about leaving because it makes me feel like mom but I couldn’t breathe in that house anymore. 

I don't even want to imagine how she left and how dad must feel now and I can't even understand how she could leave that easily even without saying goodbye to me and Tyler. Without explaining anything to him. Thinking about Tyler makes me feel even worse…

I made him feel bad all these years, without even knowing it. It wasn’t even on purpose and I wish he would know that. All he wants is affection and love and I wish I could give that all to him but I doubt that he would accept it after everything that happened. At least he wouldn’t accept it from me and nothing will make all those years up. Maybe I can make things better from now on, since he actually talked to me about it and talking is helping so I'll do it more often with him, until the ice melts completely. I will make it happen because I understand his pain. 

Although I'm not at home right now, my thoughts are still there and it's making me freak out. It’s giving me a headache. I run my hands through my hair. Even my scalp is hurting at this point. These thoughts need to disappear. I need some air. More air. The air that I already got and that reached my lungs isn’t enough. It’s toxic. I need to get myself back together and as soon as I calm down I'll go back because I don’t want my dad to worry about me but right now I need to get away. i want to go as far as possible. I know it’s dangerous for a young girl to take a walk at night but my legs carry me by themselves. I can’t control them and right now I don't feel comfortable with going back. The cold air makes me feel at least a little better. My tears already dried and the heavy feeling on my chest got lighter.

I walk down to the city with slower steps now. I’m really tired and my head is still aching. I can feel how my eyelids get heavy. 

The city is so bright that it makes my eyes burn. This part of the city is always so bright because of the casinos, the clubs and the restaurants. The lights are so pretty but what’s behind these lights is disgusting and dangerous. That’s why my dad never wanted me to be around here for too long when I was going out with Romy. We always had to pass this place as fast as possible. The people here aren’t the good kind of people. They are the sort of humans that you should stay away from. They wake up and start their day by doing dangerous business while normal people go to sleep and end their day.

The clubs, strip clubs and casinos are filled with people who drive fancy cars and park them right in front of the clubs to show them off whenever they get in. You notice that you don’t belong here really fast… I shouldn't be here at this time. It's too dangerous and I can already feel the bad aura. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to mess around here because I’m not a six feet tall guy who could defend himself if someone would attack me. I’m a weak girl who just destroyed her family. I’d start crying if someone here would even talk to me. Who knows what creeps and freaks are here at this time? Old men who are looking for sugar babies, actual sugar babies who follow the old men into hotels, drug dealers, debt collectors. I can already see a few people that look dangerous to me. Guys smoking in corners, women waiting on the side of the street. 

I cross my arms in front of my chest and start walking faster because I need to get away from here. I need to go back home before someone notices that I don’t belong here. I should’ve went back but I’m already halfway through. I see some people looking at me. That makes me nervous. I pray to god that I make it through this without having to talk to anybody. I need to turn around the corner and just leave. Then I'll be far away from here and everything will be alright. I feel so uncomfortable but that will be over soon. How did I even find myself here? The night life of this place is nothing for girls in my age.

I take a deep breath and keep walking. Just when I'm about to lower my gaze, I see a guy. I slowly look up at him. I can’t look straight into his eyes because I’m way too shy but I can’t look away either. 

He is leaning on a black Mercedes g class in front of a club that looks really luxurious. He's tall and his jawline is so sharp that it could cut me into pieces. His black leather jacket turns him into a cliché. He’s wearing all black and that doesn’t make it better. Theres only one difference. He looks younger than the people here. That’s probably why he keeps staring at me and trying to impress me with his car. Bad for him that I don’t care about it. The only thing that impresses me is the way he looks at me. I’m embarrassed to admit that I find him really handsome. I’ve never seen a guy like him because boy at our school aren’t looking like this. Straight out of a magazine... 

Seeing how he looks at me from head to toes makes me nervous. Being watched by someone like him makes me so shy that I almost forget how to walk. Then he looks right into my eyes and in that moment I notice his strand of red hair… I frown because I’ve never seen something like this. Why would he do this? Maybe he has a different sense of fashion.

I slow down, without even wanting it. I can’t control my legs. It’s not only that. Everything is happening in slow motion right now. When our eyes meet I can feel how my heart stops beating for a second. This eye contact isn’t just eye contact. It’s something so much stronger that I’ve never had before. He’s staring right into my soul and I’m afraid that he could know what I think. His glance is so cold that he gets me weak from the first second on. It’s stupid but he caught me in a weak moment. He looks so intimidating and scary that I know there’s way more behind this facade than what I see… But I can't stop staring at him because he won’t look away either. My knees get weak and I bet he knows that.

Suddenly his serious mimic gets softer and a small smirk forms on the corners of his lips. It’s really embarrassing to admit that he makes me feel some type of way.

For the first time in my life I feel like this. I feel something that I can’t explain.

No. Lucille, what are you doing?

I can’t fall for someone I haven’t even talked to and never will. Someone who I don’t even know a bit and who’s around here at this time of the night. Who am I to judge? I’m here as well. But I can’t make another mistake... I need to stop looking at him. It’ll give him the wrong signals.

I look away, back at the ground, although his hazel eyes which are reflecting the lights are pulling me straight towards him. 

I try to start walking faster again but I'm already weak… He got me.

Then I hear a whistle. 

My eyes get big and I hold my breath, hoping that it didn’t come from him because this shouldn’t happen. If it's him then I'll lose my mind. He could be crazy or a murderer or anything else. He's a stranger that I'm seeing for the first time so I need to forget him. I shouldn’t mind it and continue walking.

This is not a romantic novel where someone like me meets someone like him, late night between clubs, drugs and alcohol and he turns out to be the love of my life. This is dangerous. That’s why I keep walking but then I hear a voice…

“What are you doing here? Alone, at this time?” a deep, raspy voice. I get goosebumps and get even weaker. His voice sounds the way he looks like and even if I’ll never see him again, I’ll never forget what he sounds like. I don’t need to turn around to know that it’s him. 

I won’t even answer him because it’s none of his business.

“Are you going to leave me hard without even telling me your name?” he adds and as soon as I hear that, I freeze right on my spot. 

He’s definitely a creep. He doesn’t need to say anything else, for me to know that. He’s not messing with me and this is not a joke. He is telling me that I aroused him by basically just looking at him and that tells me enough. I need to get away from her really fast. Maybe I should run? But if I run he'll notice how scared I am and maybe he’ll follow me then. Whoever runs get chased. 

I'm sure he already noticed that I’m about to s**t my pants. Or my skirt.

I don't want to act childish because I need to act mature in this situation, so I just walk a little bit faster but suddenly I feel him grabbing my arm. My pulse rises and I hold my breath, expecting him to slam my head against the car or kidnap me. He could do anything to me now because his grip already tells me that he is way stronger than me and I have no chance to run away. 

He turns me around and my heart stops beating because I’m way too close to him. This makes me nervous. His scent makes me nervous… There are only a few inches left between us. He looks down at me. Deep into my eyes and so do I. I look into his hazel eyes and keep holding my breath. His arm around my waist makes me nervous. So nervous that my hands start shaking and I’m embarrassed because he notices that.

I don't know him and I don't want to know him. I don’t want to know people like him and be around him. 

He's looking scary. Only now, I notice the scar on his temple. I’m wondering where it comes from but I shouldn’t care because it’s none of my business. I’m definitely not going to ask him.

I must be hypnotized because I don’t back off, although I should. I shouldn’t be this close to him because I might get used to it.

I’m asking myself if I should scream or yell at him and make a scene or if I should just stay calm and back off.

“Could you… Let me go?“ I ask, almost stuttering, as soon as I realize what's actually happening right now. Speaking to him is so difficult. His smirk is still making me weak.That’s what I notice when I see it on him again.

“You don't really look like you want that…“ he says, almost whispering and I hate that it gives me butterflies. That he’s the one who’s giving me butterflies. 

He’s probably right. For some reason I like being held by him like that. Probably because no one never did that before. Yet his right grip hurts a little. Why am I not complaining about that? What's wrong with me? Why am I not backing off like I would normally do?

I get myself back together and shake my head again. 

“I'm sure that I want that!“ I say, trying to convince both of us and try to free myself but his grip is too tight that I can’t get out of it. Even his jacket is about to explode because his muscles don’t fit in. His wide shoulders tell me that it’s impossible for me to get away from him.

I gasp when his grip tightens. “You're so cute. Why don't we have some fun?“ he’s not smirking anymore. He’s smiling and I hope that god will forgive me for finding it attractive. It’s even worse than his smirk. With worse I mean extremely attractive and hot. I’m a fool for seeing him like that. That still doesn’t give him the right to touch me in any way or make me compliments. Doesn’t matter how attracted I am to him. 

He's a stranger, Lucille. Remember that.

“I-I don't want to have fun or anything else with you! Let me go or I'll scream!“ I raise my voice but he smirks. It's a devilish smirk. It’s obvious that he doesn’t care at all. “Look around. Do you think anybody here is going to help you, if you scream?“ I look away.. I know they won't. What’s happening to me right now is normal here I guess. It's obviously not the first time and everybody minds their own business. Their own dirty businesses…

I blush because he makes me feel weak and small. Nobody has the right to make me feel this way. Especially not a douchebag like him. 

I clench my jaw and start breathing a little heavier.

“What are you? Deaf or something? I told you to let me go!“ I try to push him away again but it doesn't work. He’s going to make me lose my mind. This is scary. What did I get myself into? I shouldn't have stared so long at him. I got myself into this situation and now I should spit into his face or kick him right into his balls to make him let me go. According to everyone around me, I’m always doing the right thing and I'm always perfect but however, everything is going wrong today and in a situation like this I have no idea what to do. Everything is getting out of control.

He slowly frowns. 

“Be careful what you say.“ suddenly he sounds so serious that I hold my breath again. Obviously I need to keep calm because even his warning glance was enough to scare me to death. What if he pulls out a knife or a gun? He's taller and stronger than me and I'm a little, fragile girl, whose throat starts burning when she raises her voice even a little bit.I shouldn’t tell myself that I’m small but looking at him makes me realize that I’m really small.

I back off but he pulls me closer again. 

“Could you stop touching me and just leave me alone?“ maybe it will work if I ask him nicely. 

“I can't leave a pretty girl like you alone out here.“ he answers and I roll my eyes. He acts protective and caring but I’m not that stupid. “I can take care of myself, okay?“ I sound a lot more harsh than I wanted to.

“No. I have to take you with me. I want to see more of your rebelliousness and maybe how wide you can spread your legs… You seem flexible.“ my jaw drops when he says that and gets closer. He makes this situation worse by saying these inappropriate things. It’s rude and disgusting. 

I furrow my eyebrows and raise my hand to slap him but he grabs my wrist in the air. It was an impulse and he stopped me. Luckily. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I would’ve slapped him. He would’ve probably killed me.

“No.“ he slowly shakes his head. I have enough of these jerk. Who does he think he is? 

“Stop touching me you creep! You are literally harassing me. Are you even aware of that?“ I ask, as if it’s not obvious and while I’m busy with asking stupid questions, he starts pulling me to his car. That’s where I start to panic. More than before. 

“What are you doing? Let me go! I’m underage and you will get in trouble for this.“ I raise my voice again but he won't let me go or stop. Telling him that I’m not of age won’t help me out of this situation. I probably made it even worse because that’s good for him. 

“We'll just have some fun.“ he says and I my heart drops to my ass. In this second I can see what’s waiting for me. I will probably get sexually assaulted, murdered or sliced into pieces. I’ll never see my family and friends ever again. Earlier, getting kidnapped seems exaggerated but now it’s actually happening and all I can do is scream because I’ve never been this afraid in my life. Actually, I’m terrified. 

“What do you think I am?“ I scream, trying to pull my arm away again. He opens the door of the passenger seat and scratch him with my nails, hoping that it will hurt him enough to let me go. “I swear to god if you-…“ before I can finish my sentence, he turns me around and grabs me from behind. He so fast and so strong that I can’t even try to escape. I’m about to get a heart attack and no one cares. No one notices. Nobody will help me. My scalp starts burning with the fear that captures my body. 

Just when I want to scream, he covers my mouth with his hand. I try to pull his hand away or bite him but he's too strong. Not even kicking him works. I was so stupid to think that I would be able to easily escape if someone ever kidnapped me. It was so stupid to think it would be this easy. His big hands are like a cage or more like a prison cell. I’m afraid that he’ll lock me away. 

He picks me up and pulls me into the car. I’m on his lap and after he closes the door and locks it he throws me on the passenger seat. I get hurt because I hit my knee on the dashboard but I can’t pay attention to that pain right now because I feel like there’s worse pain waiting for me. Everything happens so fast that I don’t even realize what’s going on. All I do is scream “Open the doors and let me go! I don’t want to come with you!“ And try to hid him and open the doors but he already locked them and there’s no way out. I know that I’m not able to break the windows and that frustrates me even more. I’m hopeless and about to get a panic attack. 

I look at him, breathing way too fast and see how angry he looks. The smirk is gone. His eyes get dark and he look at me like he is going to kill me. I can feel how I get smaller in the seat. I’m waiting for him to say or do something. He doesn’t let me wait long. He punches me so hard that I pass out.