All Night

Mason

Lucille

“We started texting and talking on the phone and he always made me feel some type of way that no one else has ever made me feel. He's always been so polite and funny…” I continue.

I'm afraid to look up at red hood. I really don't want to know how he's looking at me and how disappointed he is. I don’t want to see what’s hiding behind his eyes…

“I didn't tell anybody about him because I was afraid the magic would disappear if I would leak it…”

I wanted to keep it to myself. If I would’ve told it Romy, she would’ve made a huge thing out of it and tell everybody that I has a thing with the football captain of a college. Everyone would’ve gone crazy.

That wasn't true and I would’ve only told her if we really would’ve been something. I liked hiding it from everyone because to me, it was something special to talk to someone like him and being liked by someone like him. I didn't want anybody to ruin it with stupid comments or advices or rumors.

“We started talking more and more... We met each other secretly. He came into my room, through the window at night, although my parents were at home. We made out... In my room, in his car, in his room…”

I feel my whole body shaking. It's such a shame. I hate myself. I thought it would be cool to date someone older like him. I thought it would be cool to keep it as a secret. I thought it would be amazing… All the things going on between us…

“We started dating and he took me to his parties. Always. There’s nothing we haven’t done together. I changed my friend group. I got friends with his friends. I sneaked into his football games and tried my best to not get recognized by anybody who knows me. It worked. Nobody found out about us. He was so special to me. He was my first boyfriend,. my first kiss… My first in everything.”

I’m so disgusted by myself. Having to admit all these things, especially to him, makes me want to throw up. He doesn’t deserve to know about all this. I know that he will never see me the same, after this. Everything will change...

“After a few months, making out and cuddling wasn't enough for him… He kept touching me but I told him that I want to wait. That I’m not ready yet... In my eyes, it was too early. That made him angry. He turned into another person because he wanted my body…” a tear rolls down my cheek and I feel embarrassed to speak because I don’t have the right to cry about something like this.

“He started being mean and hurting me, whenever I stopped him from touching me but I couldn't break up with him. How was I supposed to? I loved and trusted him. I didn’t want to lose him. I thought I’d be special to him as well... But all I was, was stupid.”

I can't believe that I'm talking about this. I'm doing it for the first time. I always thought it would be relieving but it feels horrible.

“He has always been so good to me. But only because he wanted something from me. I don't know why he wanted me but he got me. And he made me cry so many times but I was too afraid...” I bite my lower lip because continuing is hard for me.

“He touched me. He touched several parts of me and when I stopped him once again, he freaked out... 'You are my damn girlfriend and I can't even f**k you.' he said and we argued about how important this would be for me and that he should respect that I would need time…” more tears roll down my cheek.

“He got furious and threatened me with some pictures of me... I didn't even know that he had them. I saw them. He must've undressed me while I was sleeping...”

I used to lie to my parents. I lied to them so I could see him. I dug my own grave. That's exactly why I'm so stupid and naive. That’s why I’m a coward.

“I don't even remember how I fell asleep that night. I don't remember anything about that night at all. I don't know what he has done to me…”

I get goosebumps. I don’t know if I can continue. My heart is racing and he still hasn’t said a word. That’s the only reason why I continue, though.

“He turned into somebody else that I couldn't recognize. He enjoyed that I was afraid of him. He loved that he had these pictures of me… That he could drown me, whenever he wanted to. I did so much for him. Whatever he wanted and he had me in his hands…”

The fact that he isn’t talking is making me nervous... I'm afraid, he'll explode every second. Or maybe he will spit at me and just walk out of the door… I’m afraid of continuing but I have to because I can't stop.

“He knew exactly how important my life, the people around me and what they think about me was to me. He said he wouldn't leak them, if I wouldn't do what he says. I had no other choice.” I say and swallow, getting closer to the worst part. I can't even breathe anymore. How am I going to survive this confession?

“I let him touch me. I let him thrust into me… I can still feel his hands all over me. I was crying but he didn't even care. I begged him to stop but he didn't.” I’m almost drowning in my tears. I’m looking at the ground but I can’t see it because of my blurry vision. I can’t look up right now. I can't look at him. I can't look into his eyes ever again.

“I was so afraid of him. He hurt me. He was so rough and so harsh. He didn't care about me. I wasn't myself after that anymore. I couldn't. I couldn't just wash him off and forget it, no matter how often I tried. I couldn't tell anybody about it because I was so embarrassed. I hated myself so much, I even thought about killing myself. Especially because I couldn’t get him off me.” it wouldn't have mattered, if he would have leaked anything, if I would’ve been dead. I really thought about that and I still didn't want to talk to anybody about him. He pushed me to the edge.

“Whenever we've been with his friends, he randomly grabbed my ass and made me sit on his lap, claiming how I'd be his but I didn't feel anything. All I felt was disgust. Maybe I went numb at some point...”

He was my boyfriend. It's not like he was a stranger but I didn't want him inside of me. I didn't want anything like that before I'd be ready and if I would’ve been I would’ve wanted it to be something special. Not because I'd have to or because I was afraid of my nudes getting leaked. I only needed some time because I didn’t feel like we were together for long enough but he didn’t understand that.

“I felt nothing but pain between my legs, all the time and I didn't leave my room for the most of the time I... I told him to stop and that I can't do this anymore but he kept dragging me down... How did he enjoy it so much, while I was crying and not moving at all? I can still hear his voice...” I sob and cover my ears with my hands because I feel like he’s all up my ears and I can’t stand that anymore. I wish I wouldn’t hear anything at all.

“And once. after he took my soul again, I couldn't do it anymore. He was just getting off me, when I grabbed the lamp, next to me ,and smashed it on his head. I started crying hysterically, while he was laying there with blood on his head. He wasn't moving.” I continue and swallow.

It feels like going through it all again. The flashbacks are hitting me too hard. It's like it's happening again and I can't do this. I feel like I'm going to collapse but I'm too far to stop now...

I was so scared, I cried and screamed. “I took the chance and put my clothes on. I didn't even care if he was alive or not because I wanted him to die. I know how awful of a person that makes me but I couldn’t control it. I just ran back home and sat in the shower. I cried for hours and waited for something to happen... I was afraid that I killed him.” I remember that day so well. Too well…

I hated myself and my body so much because I let him do this all to me. I wince… lI didn't leave my room for two days, until my mom got me out. I told her that I have my period and that I don’t feel well enough to leave my room…” I lied so many times...

“When he called me a few days later, I almost got a heart attack... I could feel my heart beating all over my body. I locked the windows and every door in our house. I sat down in a corner and hid, hoping he would just disappear. I was afraid he'd come for me. He said he'd end my life, if I wouldn't come back…” it was so terrifying that I threw up... My whole body was shaking and I felt nothing but adrenaline and anxiety.

“Of course I didn't go back to him. He gave me one week to handle everything and run away with him, otherwise he would leak my nudes, tell everyone what a b***h I am and how I did everything that he wanted because I'm a filthy w***e that's hiding behind an innocent girl image.”

I burst out in tears again. My hands are shaking...

“In that one weak I ended up here and didn't hear anything of him.” I say. It’s the truth. I don’t know if he already leaked everything or if he heard about my disappearance and just forgot about it. That’s one of the many reasons why I didn’t want to go back home… Why I felt the need to hide here.

Remembering these things kill me every time. I hate how I'm still feeling him and how I’m still afraid of him but I feel some kind of relief. I finally told somebody about it. Even if it wasn't the right person. It was really hard. The words kept cutting my mouth like a sharp knife but it's finally out. I don't think that I'll ever be able to do it again. I told it once and I’ll never do it again. I don’t know what’s going to happen now and I’m afraid of it…

“That's exactly why I'm weak and stupid. You can't prove me otherwise…” I say and cover my face with my hands.

Toni

My whole body is shaking. My jaw hurts from clenching and I can't open my fists. I'm breathing so heavily and so fast that I'm almost hyperventilating. I’m about to end up breathless and die from all the anger that’s built up on my body.

The veins on my hands show me that I should stop. I should scream. Punch and break something. I should burn something. I should kill every man on this planet. I should kill this motherfucker. I will kill this motherfucker…

I should kill myself.

I hurt her. I called her w***e… I hit her… I made her do so many things and she didn't say anything because she has already gone through so much s**t. She didn't have enough energy left to fight and she was afraid of him every damn day, even while she was here... She went through this all and I brought her here because capo f*****g wanted me to...

I made her do exactly what killed her. These strippers here already went through a lot of s**t as well but she… She didn't have any mental breakdowns that made it hard for me to deal with her, she didn't try to run away because she was already running away from him, she kept fighting and trying to face what she's been afraid of at the same time. This started to be her safe place and I didn’t even know it. And she is so young. So damn young.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. So many thoughts are going through my f*****g head and I think I’m going to lose my mind. What she told me, changes everything...

I finally know why she's been acting like this all the time. Why she's been so confused and weird sometimes. Why she kept drifting away with her thoughts. It just explains everything.

I hate that she lied to me. I hate it more than anything but right now I can't concentrate on that.

I can understand her. It's not easy to talk about this and obviously she never told anybody about it before. She's talking about it for the first time and she's still so strong. That son of a b***h fooled her and played with her, only because she's younger than him and not as strong as him. He used her. Literally… It makes me crazy.

She's trying to forgive herself somehow and no matter how much she tells herself that this is the right way, it's definitely not. She doesn’t even know how to deal with it. This is not the right thing for her. I can't believe what we put her in and that she kept standing on her damn feet.

I can't...

My head turns off.

“What is his name?” I ask, trying to not have the biggest explosion of my whole life because I know that won’t make anything better. It will make her feel even worse and that’s not my goal. She wipes off her tears but doesn't look at me. She’s blaming herself for everything and that’s making me go crazy...

She must feel embarrassed and think that I'm judging her or that I'm mad. Or even that I'm disgusted but that's not true. At least not everything. I am mad. I'm beyond mad and furious. I'm aggressive and I have something heavy, laying on my chest right now...

“Mason…” she answers and I slowly nod. My stomach is aching from all the anger I’m feeling.

“He r***d you…” I say, although I know how much this might hurt her. Saying it out loud can harm her a lot but I just have to say it.

She shakes her head, very quickly but still doesn't look into my eyes…

“That's not true. I let him do it. I didn't do anything to stop him.” she says and she has no idea what she’s even talking about. She said that she told him to stop and that he didn’t care. She smashed a lamp on his head because she couldn’t handle it anymore, yet she thinks she didn’t do enough. It’s not like she’s trying to protect him. She just doesn’t want me to make a big deal out of it. I can’t believe that she’d rather blame herself than him. I can even imagine how he made her think that he's the man and that she is responsible for everything.

God, I could punch myself for every time I told her she wouldn't be worth s**t. For every time I was mean to her.

She deserves to be loved so much.

She's so young and her first boyfriend was an older asshole who assaulted her... My heart. It’s aching. She doesn’t even know how real love looks like.

She can make mistakes because she must learn and it's not her fault, if a b***h like him does something like that to her.

There was nothing she could’ve done to stop him. She could’ve told somebody about it but speaking about it is not as easy as people thing. I can’t judge her for it.

She didn't know how to handle it or how to talk about it. No I can understand why she’s so mature.

“But you didn't want it and you did tell him to stop. He didn't care... He kept pushing himself into you.” my voice is shaking and I already know that I won’t be able to hold myself. I won’t be able to control myself. It will get out of hand.

She starts sobbing even heavier. I know my words are hurting her.

“Every god damn man would feel it, if a girl wouldn't want it. Even from her body language… But not every man would stop.” I say through my teeth.

All the things she told me are shocking and disgusting. He threatened her with her nudes, undressed her while he was sleeping and r***d her. I'm going to kill him. I killed some people for less reasons. He won’t be a problem.

I run my hand over my face.

“Lucille…” I try to calm down because I don’t want to scare her but it’s impossible because the tornado inside me destroys everything. “Do you remember where they son of a b***h lives?? I ask and she finally looks at me.

My heart breaks with the guilt in her eyes. Now I understand why she didn’t look at me. There’s so much pain in her eyes that it tears me apart and I can’t believe that I feel this way but she made her way to my heart. Seeing her like this, being afraid of my reaction, hurts me even more.

She slowly nods, not wanting to remember it. I grab her wrist. I pull her towards the door and down the stairs. She tries to free herself and stop me but she can't. I’m not in the mood to respect her emotions right now, even though all the things she told me. She needs to do this so she can be free.

No matter how often she'll try to convince me that he didn't r**e her, he did. He put his f*****g d**k inside of her, although she didn't want it and I can't even imagine how much he must've scared her to make her let him to it. And no matter how often she’ll try to tell me that she doesn’t want this, she will do it and I know, that doesn’t make me any better than him but I will help her with this, instead of kill her.

If I tell her that I'm even older than him, she'll probably lose her mind or be terrified of me as well and I don't want that because I'm not like him. I’m worse than him. I won't be able to sleep tonight, if I don't kill him.

I pull her into the car and hit the gas.

“Address please.” I say and she shakes her head. I know what she’s feeling but I have to do this. “No, please. Let us go back. I'm not ready to see him. If you feel at least a little bit for me, then don't do that to me…” her words cut me but I won't stop. I look into her bloody red eyes. Her face is totally wet.

I do feel more than a little bit for her but there's nothing that could stop me from doing this right now.

“Lucille. Tell me where the f**k he lives. I'm going to kill him.”

Lucille

I tell him the exact address, although I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Everything is going too fast and I’m terrified. Terrified of him and what’s going to happen. It's overwhelming and making me crazy. My head is spinning and I can’t stop crying.

I told him everything, with so many details and I feel so embarrassing and guilty. I don't even want to know what he thinks and what he's going to do now. Is he serious? Is he really going to kill him? I'm just scared and I want to leave my body. I wish I could crawl out of it and throw it away. I want to leave everything.

Red hood is so furious and it’s my fault.

It doesn’t matter that I feel a little bit better now because I told someone about it. I know it changed and ruined everything. He probably won't see me as the same person anymore. I'm only a piece of dirt to him... A used piece of dirt…

When we arrive at his house and he walks towards the entrance with fast steps, I try to stop him, although I know he's unstoppable. Not the forget that I get flashbacks while seeing his house again…

“His parents could be at home, this is too dangerous! Please let us go back and forget this…” I beg and grab his arm but he's too strong for me. He roughly frees himself. “They better be at home.” he says and I look around. He can't be serious.

This is nothing that he can handle. This is something stupid and I feel so guilty for making such a big deal out of this. I should’ve kept it to myself. I should’ve made up a lie, instead of telling him the whole truth. Now i have to deal with the consequences.

The car of his parents isn't around and nobody is here. Only a few lights are on…

My heart is racing. It’s been a while since the last time I was here and these memories don’t carry any positivity in them. I feel like throwing up.

Before I can say a word, red hood kicks the door open and I gasp, covering my mouth so I don’t have to scream...