A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 23: Confession (Caleb)

If ever someone would say to me that I needed to do this once again, before this kind of thing happened, I would have laughed and would even say to them that it was too absurd, because really, I think I got a trauma the last time that I needed to run around the whole place because I needed to find Caliana. I would have said that it was not true, because I did not intend to make a mistake that would make her leave me again, but then again, here I was, looking around the apartment building just so I could find her and tell her everything.

As I was doing so, I could not help but to think of the last time that I did this kind of thing for her. Now that I think of it, I must say that I might already have liked her at that time. After all, I could still remember that I never wanted her to leave me, and I had foregone the thought of finding another place for her to stay, because somehow, at that time, I thought that my home was already enough for her to stay.

I never wanted her to leave me. I was afraid that I would be alone again if ever she did that. I was very afraid, terrified even, that something might change for me, if ever she would leave me behind. I was afraid that I might go crazy, and just by thinking of it, I think that it was not that impossible to happen.

After all, just thinking that she would finally leave my side was enough for me to have this kind of fear that I never felt in years. I had this urge that I needed to do something to make her stay, to make her reconsider everything, because I never wanted her to go. I did not like the slightest idea that we would separate our ways because of some circumstances.

It was so funny to think that someone, someone like her, was enough to make me feel this way, even though I had never acted like this way before. It was too absurd to think that a woman had this kind of power to make me feel so scared, just because they decided to be separated from me and never wanted to come back.

I was too terrified too. Terrified and afraid that I would never be able to live without her, even though after all these years I have been alone. I was too terrified that something might change in me, if ever she really decided to go away from me, to go to a far away place where I would not be able to find her, and tell her how I feel.

Maybe, just maybe, this was the result of my trust in her. Trusting her so much that it made me feel this way. Trusting her too much resulted in me feeling this kind of fear when she was about to go away. I trusted her so much that I was too afraid to say that I might really go insane, if ever she would not come back.

I suddenly remembered the letter that she left inside of my house. It made me want to laugh. It made me want to let out an unbelievable laugh, as if I could not believe that she ever thought that way. It made me want to blame myself, and not her, because I think that, somehow, I made her think less of herself, even though that was not really the case.

I clearly remember every word that was written in that letter that she wrote, and I think that it was just a while ago when she really did that. It broke my heart to think that I was a minute too late, and I was never able to stop her from writing that. It made my heart sink, and made my mind think of negative thoughts, because I think I was too late when I read that letter.

She was saying sorry. She said that she apologized for making me uncomfortable, even though the truth was she did not ever make me feel that way. She said that she never intended to be like that way, and that part made me feel confused as I frowned and think of why she would say that to me. She said that it was too dumb for her, and she should have stopped herself, but then again, I did not know what caused her to say that to herself.

It was like that letter was full of mysteries. Mysteries that I wanted to know, and that is also one of the reasons why I decided to immediately go out of my home and find her in any place that I could think of, to a place where she would be, but still, I could not find her anywhere, and I could not find anything that would tell me that she was just here.

I clenched my fist when I remembered the last part of the letter. I never thought that she would ever write that. I never thought that she would decide that, because she wanted me to become comfortable enough in my own home. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think I would read that kind of letter in my life. Not even once did I think it would break me this fast, and I was beyond being fixed.

“I have decided that it was time for both of us to separate our ways. With that, you will be able to do everything that you wanted to do without anyone stopping you. With that, you will be able to think of yourself first, before anyone else. With that, you did not have to deal with me anymore, because I have always known that I am not that easy to deal with. I wanted you to be happy, to be as free as possible, to be as comfortable as possible, and I know that you will be able to do that if I leave your side.”

Those words were the last part of her letter. Those words were the last thing that she thought of, before she finally went out of my house, and I knew that she did not ever plan to come back. I even think that it would not ever cross her mind, and again, it broke my heart into pieces because I made her think less of herself again.

I wanted to laugh, not because I was happy, but because I was too frustrated with those words. I was so angry with myself that she thought of that because of me, that she did all those things because of me, that she decided to go because she never wanted me to become so uncomfortable around her.

Oh how wrong she was. So wrong that it frustrates me even more. It made me want to grab my hair out of my head, because really, it was too wrong and too absurd for me. After all, I have never felt uncomfortable around her. To be a prank, she was the only person that I managed to act like this way.

All those lines in the last part were very wrong, and the total opposite of what I had thought, and I wanted to tell her in front of her about how wrong she was when she thought of that. I wanted to assure her that I never felt that way, and I certainly knew that I would never feel that way about her, because for me, in a short span of time that I was with her, she became a vital part on my life.

I clenched my fist once again as I did not stop running all around the place. I did not stop looking for her, until finally, I found her, walking on the side of the street, without even any single thing with her, and my heart broke all over again when I saw how solemn she looked as she was looking down on the path that she was taking.

Without a second thought, I immediately ran to her side and grabbed her arm without much thinking. I saw the way her eyes widen as if she did not expect that someone would do that to her, but she immediately relaxed when she saw that it was just me.

“Caliana,” I called her name, almost breathless, and I could not help myself but to let out a sigh of relief when I saw that she was indeed Caliana, and she was just alright, unharmed, and nothing had happened while I was trying to find her.

She suddenly looked very conflicted when she heard me call her name, and I saw how she averted her gaze on me, but I did not waver. I continued to look at her, as I refused to look at anything else, because I was too afraid that she would be gone on my side if ever I would do that.

“Didn’t you read the letter that I left for you?” she asked me, almost a whisper, but it did not escape me how her voice trembled as if any time from now, she would shed a tear, and it was all because of me.

“I did.” She looked at me when she heard me say that, and I knew that she would just ask me then why am I here, and why I didn't leave her alone, so I decided to tell her. “But I never want you to leave.”

Her eyes widened for an entirely different reason, and I saw how she got conflicted because of my sudden confession. “But... but...” She swallowed hard, maybe because she did not know what to say, but after a few minutes, she stared at me once again. “But that will be the best for you, Caleb.” A lone tear fell from her face, and I could not help but to think that she just said that because she did not know what to do any longer.

“It has never been the best for me, Caliana,” I answered her, honestly, and I saw how she got confused because of that. “And it will never be the best for me.” I gave her the softest look that I could muster, because I wanted her to see how much I mean all those words.

“I did it for you,” she said. She even started to ramble about her words, though I never listened to it any longer, because I knew that she was too confused to form a sentence that would explain to me every reason that she had as to why she had to do that.

“But I never want you to do it for me.” I put my hand on her cheek to wipe away the tears that fell from her eyes, and gave her the softest smile that I never thought I had. “You do not have to do something like that. You do not have to leave. You do not have to run away, Caliana,” I whispered to her as if I was afraid that someone else would hear it from me, as if I wanted her to hear it, and only her. “Because I want you to stay with me. I want you to be with me, Caliana.”

“What...” She swallowed as if she wanted her voice to be as clear as she could, and not like that raspy one that she had as of that moment, but for me, it was just alright. Everything was alright, and even if it was barely audible, it was just fine by me. “What do you mean by that?”

I smiled at her as I caressed her cheek as if I wanted to get my strength on her, as if I wanted to get all the courage that I could muster in her.

Here it was. The moment of truth. The time that I would tell her everything. The time that I needed to brace myself for whatever result it might have. The time that I would finally tell her how much she means to me, how much I loved her, and how badly I wanted to be with her, for every second, for every minute, every hour, and every day of my life.

“I love you, Caliana.” I showed her all the emotion that I had been keeping at her all this time, and that was also the moment when I saw how the tears started to form into her eyes, but I could also see the way she was trying to stop them from falling. I smiled at her as I gently felt her cheeks beneath my palm. “I did not know exactly when I came to fall in love with you, but I guess that it does not matter any more.”

I indeed did not matter any longer. After all, I just wanted to tell her how much I came to love her, I just wanted to tell her all the feelings that I had all along inside of my chest. Maybe I really did not notice the way that I fell for her, but I did not care about it any longer. All that mattered now was that it was Caliana whom I grew to love and cherish, after all those times that I thought I would never be able to feel that emotion called love.

“I love you, Caliana,” I repeated those words again as I looked straight into her eyes as I gave her the smile that would explain every single thing that I think I would not be able to verbally express to her. “I might never notice how and when I fell for you, but I did not care about it anymore.” I gave her the softest look that I never thought I would have as I continued to say to her, “All that matters now is that I managed to tell it to you, before it is too late. All I know now is that I wanted to be you, if you will let me, that is. I wanted to know you more, if you want me to. I wanted to be the person who would be by your side, if that is what you wanted to have.”

“Caleb...” I could hear her voice trembling as if she did not know what to say, or do. I could hear that she wanted to tell me something, but she just did not know where to start. I could tell that she wanted to speak to me, but could not find the right words for her to tell me, and so, I just cupped both of her cheeks in my hands as I looked at her as if she was the most precious person that I ever had in my life.

“I understand if you want to leave me all alone now,” I said, even though the truth was I could not bear to think of the pain that I would feel if she ever really did not want to live with me anymore. I could not think of the future that she would not be by my side any longer. It pains me but... “If that is what you wanted to do, then I will gladly accept it.” Even if it hurts me so much. Even if it felt like my heart would shatter into pieces. “I wanted the best for you. You deserve every freedom that this world can give you, and I did not have a heart to do so.”

I know that it was the total opposite of what I had thought earlier, but I did not care about it anymore. If this was the reason why Caliana would be happy, then I would gladly give it to her in a heartbeat. If this is what she wanted to have, then I would not stop her from reaching it out. Even if it would hurt so much. Even if I knew that I would be the one who would be in pain, in the end.

I thought that she would not talk to me anymore. I thought that it might be the end for both of us. I thought that it would be the end of the tale that we never had a chance to start, but I guess that I was wrong.

I saw her shake her head. I saw her look at me, almost the same way that I knew I looked at her, and it gave me hope that I never thought I still had deep inside my heart. I made my heart pound, but I tried to calm down and listen to the words she was about to say.

“I thought that leaving you all alone was the best decision that I would have when I suddenly realized how much you mean to me.” She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a smile that made my heart ache. “But I think that it is not the best,” she whispered as I felt her arms behind my neck. “Because you felt the same way as mine. You love me too, Caleb.” It was as if she could not believe that she heard that from me, because of the tone of her voice, and so, I gripped her waist so tight as if I did not want to let her go.

I caressed her cheek as if I was looking at the most beautiful person in the world, and then, suddenly, I showed her that I truly meant every single word that I said. I showed her that it was not just a mere prank, but the truth of what I had been feeling all along for her.

I silently asked for her permission first, and when I saw that she slowly nodded her head at me, I slowly closed my eyes as my face came close, inch by inch, to her face, and then, our lips met and we shared a kiss that we both never had before.