A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 22: Decisions (Caleb)

I immediately ran out of my office when I realized that I indeed needed to confess to her before it was too late. Even though I did not know what could possibly happen, and even though I clearly did not know how she would feel if ever she found out about it, I still kept on running and running so that I would immediately tell her how I truly felt for her.

It was not like the scene in the movie, where the man who would confess would try and think of too many statements before he met the woman he loved. No, it was not like that. Everything that I did was too hurried. Everything that I have been doing, after all this time, was just because I had just decided to do it, and so I forgoed the thought of preparing myself, and preparing flowery words to tell her how much she means to me.

I knew that I should have done better than that. I knew that I should have prepared a three-paragraph long confession to her, and I knew that she deserved something like that, but then again, I badly wanted to tell her what I felt towards her, as soon as possible. I badly wanted to tell her how much I love her, and I did not bother to think of my speech later, when I was already in front of her. I did not bother to think of anything else as all I wanted to do was to go on where she was, as of that moment, and tell her everything, and I mean, really everything that I wanted to tell her.

I knew that she deserved everything in this world. She deserved a grand confession from the man who wanted to be her. I knew that she deserved to have something more than this, more than this hurried decision of mine. I knew that she deserved to be treated like a princess, but the urge to tell her as soon as I could was too much and I knew that I needed to do it.

After all, I knew that I would not be able to have courage like this if ever I would decide to confess some other. Ah. No. Scratch that. I thought that there was no other time any longer. It was now or never. I do not know why, but I think that if I ever messed things up, and I really hoped that I would not, I knew that I would never be able tell her my true feelings for her again. Somehow, I knew that I would have a hard time if I did not confess to her on that very same day.

I knew that I was not prepared. H*ck, I was not even that sobered up, but still, I didn't care about it anymore as I just wanted to tell her, and to be with her. And I guess that not being fully sobered made me have a courage that I never thought I would. I think that it gave me a chance to have this urge inside of me, to tell her how much she means to me, to tell her how much I love her.

And again, I knew that she deserved someone who was in their right state of mind when they would confess their love for her, but then again, I knew that I would never have this kind of courage inside of me, if ever I was sober enough. I think that those bottles of beer the night before gave me courage as of that moment, and that time when I kissed her like I meant it.

I ran and ran around my company building, and I did not bother about the curious looks that most of my employees were giving me. I did not even return their greetings, just like I used to do before. I did not bother to give any single care about the world around me as I only thought of Caliana, and her alone.

I wanted to reach my home, where I knew she was staying at this kind of hour. I just wanted to be with her, and remove these heavy feelings that I knew I would still have if I did not manage to tell her everything I had in my mind. I just wanted to know how she would react, and if ever she had the same feelings as mine, or maybe, a rejection that I did not want to think about, because I knew that it would just stop me from confessing to her.

I did not want to think of the things that would change after this confession of mine. I never wanted to think of the way that I would feel hurt, if ever she would reject my feelings for her, and I really hoped that she would not. I did not want to think of the way that whatever we would possibly have after this would never be the same way as the way we used to before.

I never wanted to think about those things. It scares me, for real, and this was the very first time ever since that incident happened in the past that I felt something like this. Though I knew that it was not really that similar, because I wanted to think that what I was about to do was going to be a pleasant memory to me, unlike the last time that I felt this kind of fear.

I shook my head to remove that unpleasant thought inside of my head as I tried to focus on running all the way to the underground parking lot of my company building. I even clenched my fist to make myself remember that I should focus on preparing myself for whatever that could possibly happen, and I even gritted my teeth because of the irritation that I felt as I thought that that time was just like this time, even though I knew that it was not.

Caliana was the person who made me trust someone else, fully, again, and she did not deserve these kinds of thoughts inside of my head. She deserves all this precious time, and I should really think of that because I knew that it would just be another factor that would possibly stop me from confessing to her.

I stopped for a minute to catch my breath, and immediately walked to the part where I usually parked my car, and I did not give any single care about my surroundings anymore. Even though I think that I crossed paths with Fabian, which was very absurd given that he drank way too much the night before, I did not bother to greet him anymore.

Even though I heard him shout at me, “Hey!” I did not bother to look back at him anymore. Though I could imagine the way his brows would furrow because I did not pay any attention to him, and the aftershock of all the alcoholic beverages that he drank last night.

I immediately went inside of my car as I took another deep breath, before I decided to hurriedly start it so that I would be able to reach my home as fast as I could. I even prayed that there was no traffic on the way there, because I did not think that I could delay this any longer. I badly wanted to tell her over and over again, until she was able to know that it was indeed the truth that I loved her, and only her.

Though it looked like fate was not on my side as of that moment. It seemed as if it even had a grudge with me, because I could see the never ending traffic as soon as I reached the highway. It was the time, for the first time in years that I have been driving on the very same road over and over again, that I badly wanted to curse because of the slow pace of the car. I badly wanted to honk my car over and over again just to make it move a little faster, even though I knew better than believing that it would help me, greatly.

The thought of calling Caliana and telling her over the phone was tempting enough to do, but I shook my head to stop myself from doing so. After all, I did not want this to become so bad as it is. The sudden urge to confess to her, without even a slight preparation, was bad enough and I knew that she did not deserve to hear those words over the phone. I knew that she needed to see how sincere I am, and that I was really serious when I said that I love her with all my heart.

I did not know how much time had passed when I got stuck in that traffic. I did not know how long I had been trying to calm myself, because I thought that I would shout at the other motorists that were on the same road as mine to tell them that they should move faster, though I knew that it had never been their fault, which was why there was traffic in that area; because it always has been like that if you would ask me.

I did not know how long I have been staying on that same road, but I was glad that the moment that I drove past it, I never faced heavy traffic any longer. My drive on the way home went smoothly and I did not need to snarl at anyone because I was already calm, and all I wanted to focus on was the thought of what I needed to say to Caliana.

I parked my car in the usual spot in the parking lot of my condominium building, and I immediately ran all the way through the entrance of the said building, and again, I did not give any single care about the people around me as all my focus was on my pounding heart and the thought of what I was about to say. Even when I was in the elevator and some of the people tried to greet me, I was still like that, not giving any single care about the people around me.

I even slapped my chest to try and calm my pounding heart down, but it was a failed attempt because it kept on beating too fast, as if it was sending me signals that it was not like the feelings that I used to feel before, though I already knew that beforehand. I took a deep breath in and out as I looked at the floor where the elevator would lead me.

It did not take long for me to reach the floor where my home was, but somehow, I felt a sudden nervousness that I never felt when I was running all the way here. It was as if something was wrong, and I needed to check my home because I thought that something might have happened to Caliana.

I thought I just felt that because I was too eager to find her and talk to her, but the moment that I took a step inside of my home, I already knew that something was wrong when I could not hear anything but the deafening silence.

It was not like those times when Caliana was around. I knew that something had really happened, but I tried to calm down and think of the reason why I came here this early. I even said to myself that maybe she was still inside of her room, just like the way when I left her this morning, and thought that she did that because she just wanted to lock herself up, maybe because of the kiss that we shared the night before. So, I have decided to calm my pounding heart and go to her room to check on her.

I had high hopes when I knocked on her door because I really thought that she was just inside, but then again, that hope suddenly dropped when I never heard anything from the other side of the door, unlike this morning when I came and knocked on her door and she immediately answered me, even though it was barely inaudible.

My heart pounded again, for a different reason this time, and I immediately opened the door, which, to my surprise, was not locked, and that made my heart beat faster than it ever did before. My eyes even widened when I saw that it was empty, and there was no hint that she had just been there and that made me panic even more.

I immediately checked if she was just in her bathroom, or maybe, in her walk-in closet, but I never saw her there. I never even saw her shadow, or anything that would tell that she was just there before I went inside. I even checked the balcony that was on the side of her room, but still, I could not find her there.

I immediately went out of her room and ran all the way down through the kitchen, to my library. I even checked my room, my office, which was secluded in the far most hallway in my home, but still, I could not find her.

My mind started to panic. My heart started to pound for an entirely different reason. All the hopes, the courage, and everything that I had prepared for all the way here was suddenly gone and was nowhere to be found.

I could not help but to think that it was not just like she used to be before. Those times when she would decide to go out of her room, out of my house, to roam around the place that was near this place. No, it was not like that. I knew that something was wrong. I instantly knew that it was not the same way as before, and I could not help but to think that it was all because of the kiss that I had initiated the night before.

I messed my hair, irritated, and I even blamed myself, because really, whom should I blame for all of this if not myself? I knew that I messed. I should have stopped myself when I was about to kiss her, then something like this would never happen.

I might even be able to confess to her. I might get a chance to talk to her and tell her everything that I wanted to say. I might be able to know how she felt towards me, and not like this; though I guess that this already answered what she felt towards me?

I blinked as I shook off that thought inside of my head. No, I should not think of that way. It would just make things worse than they are as of this moment. I should not think of any negative thoughts because I knew that it would just stop me from thinking of anything else. It would just discourage me, and I knew better than doing that as of that moment.

I needed to clear my mind. I still needed to find her, and maybe, if ever I had a chance, I would be able to confess to her. But as of that moment, all I could think of was Caliana’s safety, because I instantly knew that I would never be able to take it if ever I heard that Caliana was harmed in any way that I could think of.

I clenched my fist once again, but again, it was entirely for a different reason, before I finally decided that I should get back to my living room and clear my mind of worry before I would start to find her again. I even tried to calm myself by trying to take some deep breaths as I was walking, but it did not help me for any single bit.

I was about to take a seat first, because I think that I drained all of my reserved energy as I was running around the place, but before I could even do that, my eyes widened when I saw that the penguin plushy that she bought before was sitting on my sofa, and I did not miss the paper that was under that penguin.

I immediately went to that side of my sofa, and checked that letter and I was almost left in awe because of how beautiful the handwriting was. I almost thought that it was printed, but I could also see the hint of the ink of a pen on some part of it, and I instantly knew that it was Caliana’s.

My eyes got soft as I traced her handwriting, but when I finally decided to read it and check its content, that softness in my look was instantly gone and was replaced by worry. The familiar pound of my heart returned, and I immediately tossed that letter on my sofa, without bothering to look back at it.

I immediately stood up from my seat as I walked out of my house and ran all over the place, for the second time around, to find Caliana.

“I really need to find her,” I mumbled to myself as I ran out of the building. “Or else, I might never be able to have a chance to confess to her any longer.”