A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 21: Her Goodbye (Caliana)

I did not know how long I had been sitting in the same spot in Caleb’s library. I did not know how long I had been staring at nothing in particular, my mind was thinking of the sudden realization of what I had been feeling for Caleb. I did not know how long I had been trying to figure out what I should do, but still, I could not seem to find any concrete answer.

I badly wanted to get up and move around the house because I think that would be the best in this kind of situation, but I could not seem to find the strength to do so. It was as if the sudden realization made me weak, and that resulted in this. It was as if my mind wanted me to do something else, other than getting my feet numbed because of how long I had been sitting in the same position, but my heart could not take anything, that was why I decided to stay, and do nothing else.

It was funny to think that I was too eager, at first, when I wanted to find out why I had been acting like that way whenever Caleb was around, and when that kiss happened, but when I already found the answer and the explanation for that, I just wanted to crawl out of my way. I just wanted to hide and never come back.

I did not think it was alright. I never thought that it would ever be alright to love, to feel something like this towards him, to act like this way just because of him. I never think that it would be the best, or moreover, I never ever think that it would ever be good for me, or rather should I say, for him.

After all, I do not know but it was fine for me, that I was feeling like this, but then again, the thought that the feeling was not mutual made me want to cower away. It made me want to run away, so that he would not have to deal with me, with my feelings, with everything I had been doing, because I loved him.

I never wanted him to become uncomfortable with me. I never intend to do anything that would make him feel bad, and I think that those feelings of mine would be the cause for that. I never wanted to think that I would be the reason why we would fall apart, and never be fixed, unlike the way we used to before.

I did not want him to be harmed just because of this. I did not want him to face something too bad because of this. I never wanted anything that would make him feel less, or anything like that, just because I liked him. Ah no. Scratch that. I did not want to be the reason why he would change, just because I love him.

I was afraid. So afraid that something would change, and I knew that it was bound to happen if ever I would still choose to stay with him. It would just make things awkward, even though I did not plan to confess to him. I did not like the slightest idea of making the atmosphere around the house uncomfortable, just because I had decided that I should keep this a secret and that only I, myself, was the one who knew about it.

“There is only one answer to this problem though,” I mumbled to myself as I stared at nothing in particular, and made myself stand up from my seat, though I had a hard time doing so because of the numbness that I suddenly felt.

I need to leave now. In order for his life to become peaceful. So that he would not have to deal with someone he did not even love. So that he would not have to think of anything else, if ever I decided to stay and make myself look so awkward around him.

After all, I knew that I would never be able to hide these feelings of mine. It was bound to come out, even though I did not intend to do so. It was bound to be obvious, even though I would try my best to hide it from him.

I did not want that. I never wanted him to deal with something like that. I never wanted him to be so stressed out because of my feelings, because I already knew that he had too much to deal with his business, his work, and also in his life. I knew that he was busy enough. I did not like the idea that I would add up to his busy schedule.

With that in my mind, even though I did not think that I would be able to stand up, I still forced myself to do so. I have decided, and I never intend to change it at the last minute. I have decided that I should really go away now. Far away from this place, from him, and from the memories I had with me.

I almost let out an unbelievable laugh when I thought of something. It was as if I had been running away from all my life. It seems as if I had faced something where I could think of a better solution, I would just decide to run away and never come back.

Just like what I did when I got so fed up with my Father. Just like what I did when I thought that I would be able to be free from everything that has been stopping me from doing everything that I like. Just like what I always did in the past.

It was not the same situation as this though, because, after all, I had never really felt this way towards someone before. It was him, and only him, and I did not think that I would fall in love with someone that easily again. It was not the same, but still, I have come up with a decision that was similar to the last time: That I should run away, and never come back.

That I should just leave him, so that he would become so peaceful and he did not have to bother to deal with someone who had feelings for him, because I know, even though this was the first time that I felt something like this towards him, that dealing with someone who had grown to have feelings with you was too awkward to be true, and again, I never intend to make him uncomfortable because of me.

I went to grab my penguin plushy, and even though I knew that he would not be able to hear me or respond to me, I still whispered to him, “This would be the best decision for the two of us, right?” I let out a sigh as I started to walk out of his library to go and roam around the house, for the last time. “This would be the best for him, right?” I mumbled, as I felt the familiar sting on my eyes, and I instantly knew that my eyes wanted to shed a tear but I tried to stop it from doing so.

It pains me, but I also knew that I needed to do this. I almost wanted to back out, but then again, just the thought of living on the same roof with the man that I love, and was trying to hide it from him, was enough to urge me to do it. It was enough to tell me that I should really just go and never come back, because it would just make things worse.

After all, I was bound to leave this place, right? I was just staying here because he was kind enough to help me find a place to stay, and let me live with him for the meantime. I was just staying there because he badly wanted to help me, because he was a kind man, and I, on the other hand, thought that that kindness was something else and managed to develop feelings for him, without me realizing it.

I let out a sigh once again as I strolled around the house, for the last time, with a sad look on my face. I hugged my penguin plushy, tighter, as I felt a lone tear fall from my eyes. I managed to stop myself from sobbing though, even though I was the only person who was inside the house as of that moment.

I will surely miss this house. I will surely miss the memories that I had in this house. The memories that I managed to have with him. Those times when we were on the couch, talking about almost anything that we could think of. Those times when I wanted to be alone, and he would just let me go by doing something else. Those times when he would always check on me whenever he would come home from his work, or from going to a grocery store that was near this building.

I will surely miss those times, but just like what they said, sometimes those happy memories were bound to end, miserably. Those precious memories would just stay in our minds, and whenever we think about it, they would just be bound to have a pain in it, instead of the thought of the happiness that it once held.

It was so sad to think that this would happen just because I managed to develop my feelings for him. It was too sad to think that all those times would just be a memory for the two of us, because I messed it up with my love for him. It was so sad to think that I needed to leave because I did not want to cause trouble with him, because of those feelings of mine.

Though I really think that this would be for the best. I needed to do this because of him, and not because of me. I did not want to hurt him. I did not want to do something that would harm him, and I did not like the idea that I would just inflict some pain on him if I ever decided to be with him.

I knew I could be selfish, but I would never do that to him. I knew I could choose the thing that would be best for me, but I would never hurt him because of that. I knew I could choose to stay with him, but I would never do anything that would inflict pain on him in the end.

I then went to my room. The room that he told me to stay in while I was there. The room where almost all of the things that he bought for me could be found. The room I became comfortable to stay in, for all the time that I was here.

I decided to forego the thought that I would bring anything when I left. After all, it was him who bought everything that I was seeing right now. He was the one who spent his money on these things, and I did not have the heart to take anything with me. Afraid that I would just be reminded, constantly, of him. Afraid that I would not be able to hold on that long, and running towards him once again.

I let out a sigh once again as I felt the familiar fabrics on my fingertips. As I went to the walk-in closet, I touched every single thing that my eyes could see, as if I wanted to feel it, for the last time. I hugged my penguin plushy once again, because it felt like my heart was getting squeezed because of the pain that I felt.

I smiled to myself, and stopped my tears that were threatening to fall on my face when I stopped in front of that dress, which he personally chose for me for that dinner that we had weeks before.

Come think about it. It seems as if we would not be able to do it any longer. It was funny to think that I even said to him that I wanted to return to that restaurant with him. It was as if, as of that moment, it was just a mere joke, a joke that I never wanted to have. A joke that I did not like to say, because I badly wanted it to come true.

I clenched my fist and forced myself to get out of that room, out of those memories that would stop me from doing this; those memories that I knew were enough to make me reconsider this decision, but nonetheless, I knew that it would be just selfish of me if ever I did that.

I needed to become determined. I did not need those second thoughts right now, because I really think that this would be the best. Leaving him, and letting him live in peace without any worries, without any pressure.

I let out a sigh as I tried to calm myself down, before I found some papers and a pen because I wanted to give him a letter, for the last time. Because I did not like the idea of leaving him without even saying why I did that.

He did not deserve that. No. That would be too cruel for him, because I knew that he was too kind to have treatment like that. He deserves to know why I did this. He deserves to know why I decided to leave him, and his home.

I could not stop my tears from falling into my eyes as I was writing the letter. It was as if the emotions that I had seen in that letter. It was as if he would be able to figure out, but I hoped that he would not, because I did not like to think of how he would react if it ever happened. I did not like to think of his reactions if he figured out that I did this because I was afraid, because I was a coward.

I breathed out a sigh as I looked at my penguin plushy and I smiled at him. I even patted his head, then I put the letter under him as I placed it on the couch in the living room. The letter could still be seen, even though my penguin plushy was large enough to hide it, because that was what I wanted to do.

I smiled at him and patted his head again as I whispered, “You should take care of him, alright?” Tears started to stream down my face, and I could not even laugh at myself because of how absurd this whole thing was, because of the pain inside of my heart.

Then, I finally decided that I had stayed for far too long and I now needed to leave him, and those memories behind. I smiled to myself as I looked around for the last time, before finally, I opened the door of his house and left all those things behind.

“Goodbye, Caleb,” I mumbled to myself as tears kept on falling. “Thank you for the time that you have become so kind to me.”