A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 20: Like and Hesitation (Caleb)

I heard the door of my office open, but I did not bother to raise my head to see who it was any longer, because I was too focused on the file that I had been reading, or should I say I was acting as if I focused on that task when, in fact, I just wanted to remove the thought of Caliana, and what had happened last night.

It was too bad. Too bad for me because I instantly knew that everything would change from the way we treated each other. It made me want to punch myself and tell myself, “Great. I really ruined what we had,” sarcasm intended. It made me want to blame myself over and over again, because really, who would I blame when, in fact, I was the reason why that kiss happened. I was the one who initiated it, even though I was too drunk that time.

Though I knew that getting drunk was not enough reason for me to do that. After all, even though I could not remember what happened next, I knew that I had made her uncomfortable. I knew that I made her look at me as if I was some perv*ted guy who wanted to take advantage of a woman that was living in his house. I knew that it changed something, and what the h*ck does that mean when she pushed me away if not because she did not want to see me any longer?

It was even worse, my overthinking, that is, when I went to tell her this morning that I had left breakfast for her because I figured out she did not want to have a meal with me. That made me realize how much I f*cked things up. It made me think that it would never be the same any longer; that our friendship, or whatever we had, would not be able to go back any longer because of one single mistake that I made.

Somehow, I did not want to go away. I did not want her to walk away from me. I did not like the slightest idea that she would turn her back on me because she finally realized how I felt for her, and she did not feel the same way. I did not like to think that it would make her finally decide to go out of my house and never return, because she did not like to be on the same roof as the man she did not even like, but managed to have feelings for her, without even realizing it.

I could not blame her though. If she really did want to go away from me as far as she could, because really, as time passed by, I was thinking of that kiss over and over again, and it became weirder and weirder with each passing second. I did not even know what urged me to do something like that.

Maybe my drunk mind was the reason behind that? Or maybe, the emotion that I had been keeping all this time had suddenly burst and I did not have any chance to hide it from her, and that made me kiss her lips without even asking for her permission.

And yes, as I was trying to avoid her that day, and as I was drinking and drowning myself with those beers that we had ordered the night before, I came to realize that I liked her, or maybe, something more than that, because, really, I think that the word 'like' was never enough to make me explain this feelings of mine for her. I think that the word like was too little to explain everything that I have been feeling all this time, and maybe, I liked her before and I just did not realize it, not until it was too much and was enough to call it love.

I almost laughed because of that thought, but I caught myself before I did that. I just decided to look at my hands as if it would be enough to remove these thoughts of mine in my head, but I knew that it was just making me get drowned with my thoughts, and the thoughts of Caliana and her alone.

Love. I never thought I would ever think of that because of someone. I have long accepted that I would not be able to feel that emotion called love, because the last time that I did that, though it was not the same case as this - but it was love, nonetheless, it made me realize that love could also be associated with the word betrayal.

I have long realized that love is sometimes too easy to tell, but too hard to show. Love, just like what I have said earlier, can be associated with betrayal. After all, the last time that someone had said that they loved me, and they would do anything to keep me safe, they were also the ones who broke it and betrayed them, as if those words were nothing but a lie, as if those words did not mean anything and they used love to make me believe I have someone beside of me.

I never thought I would be able to feel this emotion once again. I never thought I would be able to let myself love someone again. But then again, I should have known better than thinking that I would never feel this kind of emotion towards Caliana. I should have known better that I would be able to help her without falling for her.

I should have known. After all, it was too easy. It was too easy to trust her with all my heart. It was very easy to show her the real me whenever I was talking to her. It was too easy to open up to her, whenever I felt like I needed someone to rely on, and to talk to. Above it all, it was too easy to love her, because really, her and her attitude alone was enough to make me realize that it was easy to fall for her.

All she had to do was to be herself, and I was a goner. All she had to do was to flash me that bright smile of hers, and I instantly knew that my heart would beat faster than normal. All she had to do was to be with me, and I knew that I would not give any single care about our surroundings anymore, because I thought, I always thought to be exact, that she was more beautiful than any other things that were around us.

She had that effect on me, and I never think that she realized that I had felt that way whenever she had done the simplest thing, and so, she would always do that, so freely, just like she had always done, but then again I guess that I would never be able to watch her like that way anymore. I would never be able to look at her in awe, because I had already ruined the things that we had.

It was because of that kiss. Of that d*mned kiss I never really thought why I had done that. I ruined everything because I let my emotions get the better of me. I let myself get lost in my own feelings, and that results in this.

I let out a sigh as I shook my head and tried my best to give all of my attention to the report that was on my desk, which I needed to double check now and sign, because some of the departments at my company decided to mess things up for the last minute; it was also the reason why I needed to go back on my office, even though I did not plan to do so because I wanted to just stay at home and deal with this headache, and this problem of mine. That is even though I was also thankful that I was away from Caliana, because really, I did not know what to do if ever she would be around me as of that moment.

I let out a sigh once again, but then, I was startled when I heard a familiar voice of a man say, “That was the fifth time that you sighed when I took a step inside of your office.” I got startled a little, and I almost jumped out of my seat, but then, I had regained my composure as I resort to just glare, fiercely, at him.

“Can you not do anything that will startle me?” I asked, almost irritated at myself, and not him, because it slipped out of my mind that someone had just entered my door, and that someone was one of my friends who got really drunk the night before.

Though, instead of agreeing to what I just said, he just shrugged his shoulders as if he did not care and he even said to me, “I thought that you already know that I am inside of your office, but I guess that you were too preoccupied with something again.” He gave me a glare that made me almost bit my tongue to stop myself from saying anything else, but then again, I just let it go because really, he was the one to be blamed as of this moment, and I certainly did not like the idea of saying that I was at fault here.

We decided to just let that topic go on as the two of us became silent all over again. It seemed like he was trying to figure out how he would start another topic, and I, on the other hand, just continued to stare at nothing in particular, all over again, because I could not seem to remove any thoughts about her, Caliana.

“Is this all about her again?” It seemed like he already figured that much while he was just staring at my face, so I just nodded my head as an answer and shook my head to wake myself up, because I really think that I was on the verge of getting drowned with my own thoughts. “What happened this time?” I almost laughed because of the evident hesitation on his voice, but I stopped myself because I already knew that he wanted me to answer him, truthfully.

I let out a sigh as I leaned my back on my chair as I shrugged my shoulders, and looked up at the ceiling of my office. “I kissed her,” I said to him as my mind started to think of what had happened the night before.

“What?” He sounded so confused when I heard him ask that, and I instantly knew that the familiar frown on his face was evident as of that moment, as if he was trying to figure out how the h*ck that happened.

“I kissed her,” I repeated the words that I said to him earlier as I kept on staring at the ceiling as I was taken back to that time, when I felt her lips on mine. “When you went and walked me home until I was in my doorway, she was already there, waiting for me.”

“Wait. Wait.” I halted when I heard him stop me and that made me look at him, and that was the moment that I saw how his brow furrowed as if he could not seem to understand anything that I said. “You are already living with her?” he asked me, and it was now my turn to frown at him.

“Didn’t I already tell you how the two of us met? Or are you still drunk, that was why you cannot remember that?” Confusion was too evident in my voice, and I frowned even more when I saw that he was trying to remember everything that I told him before, and that made me shake my head because it seemed like this friend of mine that was in front of me was still not sober.

“I can remember that you told me everything.” He shook his head as if he was trying to wake himself up, or maybe, he was trying to make himself remember what I said before, everything that I said about Caliana to be exact. “But I cannot seem to remember that you told me that the two of you are living together.”

I waved my hands at him, irritated, so that I would be able to dismiss that topic, because I did not know if ever I would be able to have another headache because this friend of mine was too shocked to realize that I was living with the woman that I love, but I was still not able to say anything to her.

“Anyways,” I told him because I really wanted to return to our previous topic. “I kissed her, and she shoved me away and she did not ever look at me after that. She did not even join me for our breakfast, just like she used to do before. She just completely ignored me, though she talked, barely, that is, when I told her that I left some food for her to eat if ever she wanted, this morning.”

I did not know if he was able to understand what I was trying to say, but I did not care about it anymore. I just wanted to let all the frustrations and the disappointments about myself get out of my system, even if it was just a little moment.

He was nodding his head as if he was analyzing the whole situation, it was one of his annoying habits, before he looked at me with that kind of look on his face as if he was saying that he was about to ask some questions and I was supposed to answer it, honestly, or else, he would not help me any longer, but then, I just shrugged because I also wanted to hear something from him. After all, I still did not think that Caliana and I would be able to return to the way we treated each other before this whole thing happened.

“You like her, right?” I was a little taken aback because of his question. Maybe that was because I did not expect that he would jump off on the main reason why I was having an internal crisis as of that moment.

I slowly nodded my head, as I answered him, honestly, “I even think that I am feeling something more than that towards her.” I let out a sigh as I tried to become comfortable in my seat, but then again, those thoughts inside of my head were not letting me. “I think that the word like was not enough to describe this.”

I could feel his intense gaze on mine, but I did not bother to look at him any longer. I just let myself get drowned in my thoughts, all over again, as I kept on staring at nothing in particular. I think that he did not care about it, which I became so thankful too, because I really think that he would be able to read everything that was inside of my head if I met his stares.

“Then you should confess to her, Caleb,” he said, which made me straighten up as I looked at him with wide eyes as if I was asking if he was serious, but the moment I saw how he stared at me, I knew that he was indeed serious about what he said. He let out a sigh, before he looked away from me and stared at the scenery behind me. “I think I already told you the woman I fell in love with.”

I frowned because of the sudden shift of topic, but I answered him with a nod, nonetheless. That was the moment that he stared straight into my eyes, and I almost backed away from him when I saw that he was staring at me with a serious expression on his face, and pain was also evident in his eyes.

“I have carried the guilt, until now, because I never had chance to confess to her.” He laughed as if he remembered something so absurd, but I knew better than thinking that it was indeed absurd. “Or should I say I did not have any courage to do so.” I could see the pain on his eyes as he said that, and my heart almost sunk because of the thought that he has been keeping this all by himself, all this time. “Until one day, she met someone that she wanted to spend her whole life with and they formed a family with one daughter, and I was left alone without even trying to move on from my past.”

“Why are you suddenly saying this to me?” I asked him, because I could not bear to see the sadness on his face any longer.

He looked at me with a small smile on his face as he told me, “I am telling you this, because I want you to confess to her, and tell her how much she means to you, how much you wanted to be with her.” A sudden fire in his eyes appeared and, somehow, I got a courage on that look on his eyes. “Do it. Before it is too late. Do it. Even though you did not know if she felt the same way.”

“Have courage, Caleb, and tell her how much you love her.”