A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 19: Strange Feelings (Caliana)

I did not know how long I had been staying in my room. I did not know how many minutes, or maybe hours, had passed by ever since I woke up, or if I ever did get any sleep last night, because I did not think that I did. The scene that had happened between Caleb and I in his own room kept on replaying in my mind, over and over again, and my thoughts started to race into my mind to the point that I could even see, and imagine, what had happened whenever I closed my eyes.

To be a prank, I did not know what happened next. After I felt his lips on mine, I think that I pushed him away, or maybe, he was the one who pushed me away, or maybe, something had happened to stop him from kissing me, because the moment that I felt how soft his lips were, I knew that my knees gave out and it felt like I suddenly felt so weak because of him.

I did not even know how I was able to go back to my room. It felt like my mind was in a daze, and I just realized that I had already walked out of his room when I felt the familiar bed on my back. That was when my mind started to replay things over and over again.

I did not know what effect it had on me. It felt like I managed to feel all of the emotions that I could think of, and I did not know if they were negative or positive ones, when that kiss had happened. I could not pin point the real emotion that I felt, but I knew that familiar fast beating of my heart and that familiar burning of my cheeks whenever he was around. And even now I was laid awake on my own bed, I could still feel that I was still blushing, and my heart did not seem to calm down.

I did not even bother to join him for breakfast, even though I badly wanted to check if he was just alright given that he drank way too much the night before. I did not think that I would be able to face him, so casually, as if nothing had happened. I did not think that I would be able to talk to him without stammering my words.

Do not get me wrong, alright? I was not doing this because I wanted to avoid him because of what he did last night. It was just that I was afraid that I would not be able to calm myself down once I saw him, not because of anger, because really, I could not feel anything like that towards him, just because he did something like that, like that kissing to be exact. It was just that my heart would really beat so fast, and I was too afraid he would notice that and I was sure that I would not be able to explain myself, because really, I also did not know why I was feeling that way.

And so, I decided to lock myself up in my room until Caleb left for work, and yes, he had an emergency job for the day, so he did not have any choice but to go to his office, or so I heard him say when he went to my door to check up on me, but then I acted like a brat and did not bother to open my room for him.

He also told me that he left some food for me and I just needed to heat it up if ever I wanted to get up and eat. Then, he had already left for work as he bid his farewell. Though I knew that he stayed outside of my room for such a long time, even though I did not get why he did that.

I did not know if he remembered what he did last night, given that he got drunk too much and I doubt that he was in his normal state of mind when he went home, but I did want to think that he indeed could not remember anything at all, because he never opened up the topic when he went to check out on me.

I wanted to think that he was just weirded out with how I had been acting as of that moment. I wanted to think that he was too confused as to why I did not join him on the table, not knowing that it was all because of the kiss, which I hoped that he did not really remember.

I let out a sigh as I hugged my penguin plushy, tighter, and tried my best to stop myself from messing up my hair because I was too confused with everything, with my feelings, with what had happened, and why the h*ck I was acting like that.

It felt like I would die because of too much beating of my heart, and that made me too horrified for my own good and made me stand up from my bed with my eyes widen as realization suddenly hit me.

“Will I really die because of this?” I asked myself as I felt my heart on my chest. I even let out a sigh to calm it down, but then again, just the thought of what had happened last night was enough to make it beat fast again. “Is that possible?” I even added that made my eyes widen even more.

The rational side of my mind told me that it was too absurd to be true and I was just overreacting, but then, there was a side in my mind that was telling me that might be the case, and I could not shake off that thought, which made me shiver if you would ask me.

And because of that, I have decided that I should find out something about what has been happening to me, because really, I did not know why I was acting like that. I did not know why my heart would beat so fast whenever Caleb was around. I did not know why my cheeks would burn whenever I thought of the kiss that had happened a night before. I did not know why I was acting strangely because of him.

I stood up from my bed as I was still hugging my penguin plushy, before I padded out of my room to go to his library, which I found when I was trying to find something that I wanted to do days ago, but then again, I stopped in my tracks when I came across the kitchen as I gulped when I could still smell the breakfast that he made for me. I even heard my stomach rumbling, and that made me realize something.

“I have never eaten anything since last night,” I said, before I let out a sigh as I contemplated if I should eat first before going to the library and finding something about whatever I was feeling whenever he was around.

I looked down at my penguin plushy, which I was still hugging, and I let out a sigh once again as I shrugged my shoulders and got inside of the kitchen. After all, it would not hurt to take a bite, or maybe two, before I go and find out everything I wanted to find, right?

No one would scold me, after all, and the thought of the food that Caleb had made for me was tempting enough, and I knew that whatever it was, I knew that it was really delicious because, after all, he was a great cook.

And so, I decided to eat the food, as I did not give any single care even though it was too cold. I just wanted to remove this hunger in me, and this food was so delicious that I did not bother to reheat it any longer.

After that, I washed the dishes that I used first, before I went to grab my penguin plushy and walked to the library of Caleb’s house. It was not really that secluded, but it was hard to find if you just looked around his house. And even though it was not as big as the palace where I grew up, I could tell that this house was one of the best in this city. I knew that he was rich, but I did not know how rich he was and I never intended to pry at his wealth any longer; though it was another topic if he would open it up to me.

I let out a sigh as I opened the door of the library, not an ordinary door if you would ask me, because I had mistaken it as a large painting, but then, when I went and checked it out, I got shocked when it opened and showed me hundreds, or maybe, thousands of books, which left me in awe as I looked around the place.

Then, for the second time that I went inside his library, without his permission that is, I was still in awe as I looked around. Even more so, I think that it was better than before, better than the last time that I just took a peak inside and did not really explore it, because I was hesitant before. But right now, as I had decided that I needed to remove this confusion and questions inside of my mind, I managed to explore this almost maze-like library of his house, or condominium, like what they had called this place.

I looked around the place as my mouth gaped in awe, and I slowly sat down on one of the sofas that I found in that place and put down my penguin plushy that I decided to bring here, because I think that I needed to brace myself on whatever I would find out, and I guess that he, and yes, I have decided that he is a male, would be enough to calm me down if ever I would be too shock for my own good.

I roamed my eyes on the whole place again, before I looked at my penguin plushy as I clenched my fist, clearly determined that I needed to find out why I was acting like this way because of Caleb, and the kiss that had happened the night before. Maybe, I was going crazy because I think that my penguin plushy just nodded my head at me as if he was saying that he supported me, or maybe, it was just all in my head because of the desire to have someone to support me in my other weird, yet needed, antics.

I stood up from my seat and started to read almost every book that would catch my eyes, and I did not give any single care about my surroundings any longer. I even sat down on the floor because I thought that it would be so much hassle if I ever went back and forth on where I sat earlier.

I was doing just that, but minutes, until hours, had passed, and almost ten, or maybe a dozen, books had been read by me, but still, I could not find anything. I could not find anything that would explain everything to me. I could not find the reason why my heartbeat would rise whenever he was around. I could not find the fault why I became so breathless when he kissed me, as if he held my breath with his mouth, even though I knew that it was absurd given that it was just seconds when our lips met.

I slapped both of my cheeks when I suddenly felt that it was as if it was burning, again, and I even shook my head to remove that kiss from my thoughts, once again. I tried to focus my attention on reading the book on my lap, but then, I gave up when I thought that it would be just like any other books that I had read earlier. I would not be able to find the answer that I was too eager to find, and I would just waste my time.

I breathed out a sigh as I closed that book, and leaned on the book shelf that was behind me. I did not even care when I heard a small thud as I just suddenly rested my head on the shelf behind me. Then, I stared, blankly, at the books that had been surrounding me in this library as my mind started to swirl with so many thoughts, and it was all about him and that kiss that we shared the night before.

I felt the beating of my heart on my chest, but I did not feel the same scary emotion earlier when I thought that I would die because of how fast it beats. I have thought that it was too s*lly to be true, and I have come up with the conclusion that it was because of something else, which I did not have any idea about what it was.

“I really wanted to find out why I am acting like this...” I needed to do that so that I would not act too strange in front of him, and so, I would be able to know why he had this kind of effect on me, when, in fact, I had never dealt with something like this before. I had never felt anything like this before.

I let out a sigh once again as I leaned on the shelf more, then suddenly, out of nowhere, my mind started to flash up some memories from my past. That one time when I got really broke because of my Father’s comments about me and my work. That one time when the first time my Mother had consoled me and told me that she would always be by my side, even though I knew that it was just a baseless promise.

I remembered that time, the first time that I finally asked her why she could not fight back my Father. The first time that I asked her why she could not do anything about the way my Father treated both of us. It was the first time that I saw her smile, a soft one that is, and the very same smile that I always had whenever I was with Caleb.

“It was because of this,” I remembered that she said that to me as she pointed to her heart as if it was the only explanation for it, and nothing else.

I was very confused at that time. I even remember I asked her what she meant by that, but then, she just smiled at me and hugged me closer at her as if she wanted to tell me a secret which she had been hiding after all those years.

“It was because I loved him way too much, and I could not bear to think of opposing him in any way that I could think of,” she explained, but I could not understand that. I could not seem to understand how she could hold onto her love, when all my Father had done was to hurt her, not physically, but emotionally and verbally. “I know that you might not understand it now, but as the time goes by, you will meet someone that will make you feel this emotion called love.”

I looked at her with wide eyes, because at that time, I thought that it was just a joke. I thought that it would never be able to come true. I thought that it would never happen to me. After all, I thought at that time that my father would also be the one who would decide about my marriage, for the one I would learn to love, eventually, for the one I would grow old with.

But then, she smiled at me, and that gave me hope as I heard her say, “That person will make your heart beat so fast, but it will never hurt you. It will make your face red, but it will never lead to anything too critical. That person will eventually make you realize that it was love you were feeling, after all the time that you were with him.”

My mind was taken back to reality once again, and that realization, and memory, made my eyes widen in shock as I clenched my fist at where my heart was. I looked down at it, then at my penguin plushy, which was looking at me after all this time. It was as if it was judging me because I just realized it now. It was as if he wanted to tell me, if he could talk, that it was love after all this time.

It was not really a disease in the first place, it never was. It was not because I would die whenever my heart beat faster than normal. It was not because of anything that I had thought of in the past that I had been so confused.

It was not because I got upset because of that kiss. It was not because I was disappointed that he did that to me. It was not because of all the negative emotions that I thought I was feeling, after all this time. It was not because of all that. It was not because of my s*lliness.

It was because I love him, and that made me feel this way, which I never felt before.