A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 16: Feelings (Caleb)

I stared at the white wall of my office as I tapped my ballpoint pen on my desk. I even let out a sigh as I tried to convince myself that I should start working now so that I would be able to finish early, but it seemed like my body did not want to do anything but to stare and replay what had happened at the dinner that Caliana and I had last Friday night.

I did not know why but I could not shake off the thought that tears started to stream down her face that day, and it was all because I confessed to her that she was the only person that I had trusted with all my heart, even though I almost did not know anything about her.

That was the truth, really. Even though it was only a month ever since I met her, and even though we were just getting to know each other-phase, and even though sometimes, I got weirded out by what she had been doing, it did not stop me from trusting her with all my heart. It did not stop me from believing that she would never betray me, that she would never do anything that would make me lose my trust in her. Somehow, I knew that she would not do anything that would make me want to walk away from her.

It made me feel relieved, even more so, it made me feel so happy inside. After all, it has been years since I last trusted someone. It has been years since I was able to open up to someone, and I really wanted to thank Caliana because she was the person who made me want to trust someone, fully, again. It was all thanks to her that I managed to believe in myself, and in her, with all my heart.

Of course, I had friends with myself, after all this time, and that included Fabian and that guy who was always busy with his own work, but it took me such a long time before I was able to trust them. It took me so much convincing so that I would be able to know that they would not really betray me, and I guess that I was right in trusting them because they were always on my side whenever I needed some support. They even waited so patiently for me, and helped me overcome the grief that I felt before, and I was thankful for that.

I thought that they were the only people that I would be able to trust, but I guess that I was wrong. Because the moment that Caliana came and stayed in my life, I managed to open up, little by little, to the point that I even told her the secrets that no one knew, not even Fabian or my other friend.

I let out a sigh once again as I smiled, before I tried to return to what I had been working on, when I was not thinking about Caliana. I read and signed the files in front of me, and sometimes, I checked my emails, and I thought that I would be able to work, peacefully, but then I guess that I was wrong with that, because once again, I found myself staring at nothing in particular as I kept on thinking about Caliana, and her alone.

I don’t know why I was like this way towards her. I did not even know why I could stop myself from thinking about her. I did not know why, but these past few days, she was all that I could think about, though I never complained about it.

I first thought that it was because I realized that she was the very first person that I managed to trust with all my heart, but as the time went by, I really think that there was something more than that. I think that I had a hint about that ‘something’ but I never wanted to admit it to myself, or to anyone out loud.

Maybe it was because I did not want to think further than that, than I was like that because I trusted her too much. Maybe I was scared of what I was about to realize, and I refused to do so. And maybe I was too afraid to think about this matter because I was too terrified that something might change between the two of us.

After all, I did not know what she felt towards me. I was afraid that I would ruin what we had, whatever our current relationship with one another. I was afraid that I would do something so st*pid that would make her walk away from me, and I did not want to think of the pain that I could possibly feel if that ever happened.

I blinked as I shook off those thoughts, telling myself that I would just make myself so down, and I knew that I could not possibly do that, because I knew that she would be able to tell that something was wrong with me, and I knew that she would be able to find out why I was like that; which I have been avoiding all this time.

I let out a sigh, a loud one this time, as I slapped my cheeks to wake myself up, even though I clearly knew that it would not work on me any longer; but I still tried to do so. I even started to curse at myself, but I guess that it was not even helping me, even for a little bit. I tried to stretch my not so sore muscles, but even that did not help me in focusing on the task at hand.

I let out a loud and irritated sigh as I glared at the papers in front of me, as if those were the reason why I could not focus, but I knew better than believing that. After all, it was all because my mind had been drifting off somewhere, and that somewhere was Caliana, who did not even know I was already acting like this way because of her.

“You know... I came here because Fabian said that you have been acting so strange for the past weeks,” I heard a familiar voice said to me, that made me look up in the direction of the door of my office, and that was when I saw him standing, and acting as if he was a cool person, while he was staring right at me with that almost terrifying arctic blue eyes of his. He shook his head at me as if he was disappointed over something that I did not even have any idea about what it was. “But I did not think that it was this bad.”

Even though I was a little confused at first, when he just arrived and talked out of nowhere, the moment that I stared right into his eyes, while his eyebrows were raised as if he was challenging me on doing something, it made me let out a defeated sigh as I looked away from him and acted as if I was doing my work, even though it was clear that I was just trying to avoid his gaze, because it seems like he would be able to easily tell what I had in my mind.

After all, I was closer to him than I was with Fabian. Even though we were working in different places, and even though our work was not clearly aligned with each other, it still did not change the fact that we were too close to one another. We even considered ourselves brothers, given that our age was too far from each other.

“I thought you had a mission for this week,” I told him as I flipped the paper, and again, I was just acting as if I was working, even though it was clearly not the case.

I just wanted to show him that he was wrong about what he had heard, because I knew that the moment that he found out that I was just staring blankly at nothing in particular, I knew that he would scold me as if he was my father. I knew that he would not stop pointing things out, and I did not know if I would be able to handle it.

And yes, he was acting as if he was my father, and he was also acting like that towards Fabian; to be a prank, he was acting more like a father towards Fabian than I was, because he said that I was already a functional adult, and that he was a child at heart and needed to be monitored from time to time.

I once thought that it was too absurd, that he was acting like that towards the two of us, but most of the time, those thoughts would be gone and would be replaced by amazement. After all, it really did work for Fabian and I think that we were following what he said, because we both knew that it was the best for us, even though it really sounded so weird given that he was considered as our friend.

“I finished my work early,” I heard him say, but somehow, I was not buying that, so I decided to look at him with too much doubt on my face. He must have noticed that, because he let out a sigh as he raised both of his hands as if he surrendered. “Alright. Actually, I have given my mission to someone else, because I just want to.”

My eyes widened in shock and I even said to him, “You cannot do that!” I even pointed, accusingly, at him as if he had made a grieving mistake, which was really the case as of that moment.

Instead of being shocked by my sudden outburst, he just shrugged his head as if it was nothing. “Well, I can do that,” he said in a tone as if he was saying ‘I was giving a single care about it and you should too,’ but I would never do that, because this was the very first time that I ever heard that he refused to do his mission. “I am the boss and they will follow whatever I will say to them.”

I sat properly on my office chair once again, before I whispered, “Tyrant,” though it just made him laugh, a little, before he shrugged his shoulders once again.

“It was not really that major mission,” he said as he stood up from his seat and went to the mini fridge that I had in my office, maybe to get a soft drink or something else to drink. “I think that our intel just made a mistake, and we just needed to double check if it was really the case or not.”

I nodded my head, slowly, as if I really understood what he was trying to explain, though that was not the case. I just let him talk about his mission, supposed to be his mission to be exact, but to be a prank, I could not understand any single thing about it.

“Anyways,” he said, which made me stop nodding my head to look at him, and I saw that he was crouched down in front of my mini fridge, while he was still trying to find something. Though he must have realized that something was not inside, because he looked at me with a frown on his face. “Don’t you have any beer in this little fridge of yours?” he asked, as if he was not asking me that over and over again whenever he had decided to visit me.

I let out a resigned sigh as I shook my head to answer his question, and he, on the other hand, just groaned and chose to drink the last soft drink that could be found on my fridge. I heard the distinctive sound of the opening can of a cola, but I did not bother to look at him anymore and focused my attention on anything other than him, because somehow, I already knew that he would start to ask me some questions.

And I was right with what I had in my mind, because the moment that he took a seat on one of the chairs in front of my desk once again, he stared into me as if he was trying to go inside of my mind and find out the truth, but then again, it was not really possible so he just let out a sigh as he started to talk to me once again.

“So what has been running on your mind lately?” he asked me in a firm voice, but because I have known him for such a long time, I knew that there was a hint of worry in his tone. “Are you having your nightmares again? Or maybe, it was more severe than that?” I could tell that he was really uneasy about that thought, so I decided to immediately drop that thought off.

“It was not because of that,” I told him, as I even waved my hands in front of me. “It is just that...” I contemplated if I should tell him or not, because, after all, I was also confused about why I was acting like this way - though I could clearly tell that it was because of that woman on my house.

“Come on. I am the only one who will be able to know your problem.” He shrugged his shoulders once again before he make himself comfortable on where he sat. “I will not tell Fabian if you do not want to.”

I let out a sigh once again, before I started to think of what could possibly happen if I was to tell him or not, but then again, it was him I was talking to and I knew that whatever problem I had, he would try his best to give me some advice, even though some of it were trivial.

“So there is this girl,” I told him and I was trying to find a way of how I should start this conversation that I did not think that I would ever have in my life, but before I could even start to explain things further, I saw him raise one of his hands as if he was telling me to stop, and so I did.

“Wait. You met a girl?” he asked me, almost in shock, and I just nodded my head, slowly, as an answer. “And you did not shy away or whatever like that?” He looked at me with wide eyes, but he also had this proud look on his face, and I already knew why he had that kind of look on his face, and so I nodded my head at him once again.

After that, he just listened to every word that I said, and because I trusted him not to talk about this to anyone else, I decided to tell him everything that had happened between Caliana and I. I did not leave any single details, right from the moment that I saved her, and up until this time.

“I do not know why, but I was too comfortable with her,” I said as I let out a sigh once again. “Not that I was complaining, but then, I was too confused about what I should feel, and how I should react, and so, I have been in constant daze these days.”

He looked at me for a long time, and I could not explain that kind of look that he had on his face as of that moment, but I could tell that he already had something to say to me. And I was right when I thought of that because I saw him smiling at me, that rare smile of his that he never showed to anyone other than Fabian and I.

“You know, I knew that you were thinking that I would tell you advice, but I am sorry to say but I do not have one,” he said, but I got confused because he still had that kind of smile on his face. “But let me tell you one thing,” he told me that made me look at him with a frown on my face.

“What is it?” I tried to figure out what he was trying to point out, but my mind was blank, so I just waited for him to talk.

He smiled at me, then he stood up from his seat just to go to my side and pat my back. “You are the only one who can figure things out, and I know that as time goes by, you will be able to know all of the things that confuse you as of this moment.” He gave me a smile, before he finally turned his back at me, but I was still confused over things.

He waved his hands at me, and with that, he left me all alone, drowning with the thoughts of Caliana, and this feeling of mine.