Ride or Ruin

A chill wakes me and I reach for the heat of his chest only to find a cold pillow in his place. I pull it close to me and take a deep inhale. It still smells of his woodsy shampoo. I should hate him. I should be so angry that revenge is the only thing on my mind, but I just miss him. I miss his smell and his warmth and the way his skin felt against mine. When he told me he was leaving me for another woman, I should have been mad. The sadness of losing him is what really aches at me. We have been together for so long I'm not sure who I am without him. A small tap comes from the door, "Harlow, honey, are you up yet? It's almost time to go." Lily has been my best friend since the first day of preschool. I came into Mrs. Clark's class, teary-eyed and missing home and she walked right up to me announcing I was to be her friend. From then on we stayed close even with distance. "I'm up," I called out, wishing the sun would crawl back under the earth so I could lay in this bed until the pain went away. Or at least the memory of his scent on this pillow. I throw the pillow across the room. I don't want to go, yet another reason why I should hate him. When I moved to the town six years ago, I got a receptionist job where Ricky worked. He spent most of his mornings flirting with me until I finally gave in, and we went on our first date. Life with him couldn't have been more perfect. We were always together, he made me laugh and feel happy and loved. Then we moved in and I got a promotion and life was even better. He promised a ring in the near future and I was daydreaming about our future children when I found out he had been screwing the new receptionist for the past six months. Lily came the next day. She knew me too well and wouldn't let me beg for him to come back. I resent her a little for that, sometimes she mothers me too much. I know she means well, but maybe if I had begged then he wouldn't have blacklisted me. At first, it was only rumors, whispers between cubicles. Then I was 'let go' for downsizing reasons. As soon as I started applying to other jobs, the looks started coming. The town wasn't that small, but word had gotten around. The story Ricky, or maybe his red-headed mistress, had spread about me was that he had to leave me because of how I was. I wasn't sure of the specifics and didn't want to. The lies from his mouth spit like venom. Lily had heard the rumors but wouldn't share, she told me the only thing I needed was to leave and she was right. He betrayed me, then isolated and turned me into the villain. There was no place for me here anymore. Another tap at the door, "I'm up!" I yelled and crawled out of bed to shower and finish packing. Lily had already packed up all of my belongings into her car and was waiting in the kitchen of what used to be Ricky's and mine. Now it was only Ricky's. The landlord had left a lengthy note attached to the door stating even though both our names were on the lease, he would be removing mine to keep the peace of the apartment complex. Even the doorman, who used to greet me cheerfully every morning now gave me a rotten glare as I carried the last of my things to the car. I knew I could fight what was happening, I could defend myself and make things right with these almost acquaintances. But I had no fight me, it left me with Ricky. The tension was unbearable and Lily was more than ready to leave. Her week away from home was making her anxious. "We'll get breakfast in the next town over. I want to get the hell out of this place." Leaving was like a knife in my heart. I had grown to love this town and now I was the enemy. I had moved to Seattle as a child and chose this small town on the outskirts for its community. But they were never mine, they didn't love me like I loved them. I felt broken. Leaving wasn't a choice either, I had to go. I couldn't take the way I was being treated here. Every store, every job, every person on the street knew Ricky and went out of their way to make me uncomfortable. I couldn't even be home without seeing our memories plastered on every wall. My friends were his friends, my life was his. It hurt to be here and I was being pushed out, abandoned. I took a deep breath outside the car, looking up at the place I once considered mine. Lily honked at me and I rolled my eyes at her. She really knew how to kill a moment. I settled myself in and we drove off. I said my silent goodbyes as we started on our way to my new home.