Dear Mother

I am awaken by a sound of a crying baby and I'm annoyed to the core,see I'm writing my final exams I'm doing my last year at the University of Johannesburg, I'm studying construction engineering and as I much as I need to sleep so I ace that exam tomorrow this baby is making it difficult for me to sleep peacefully. Me:Asa just make her a bottle I'm sure she's hungry. (Asa is the my cousin and the mother of the crying baby;my niece). And she just turned the other side leaving the baby crying and as much as I love my niece I am not waking up. I don't know when and how I slept but I woke up to my annoying alarm,it's 6 in the morning and I have to be at the campus by 9 since I'm writing at 10am,see one thing I like about me,I'm always on time. And before I know it I'm done,DONE with my exams and I'm haply because I know I did well,I get to the flat we staying at;me,my aunt,my two cousins and my nephew but no one is home,okey I need to rest anyway. I switch on my phone;yes I always leave the phone behind everytime I go out and now I'm ready to take endless selfie and make t****k videos but before I can do all that my phone rings. I answer its an unsaved number. Me:Hello The caller:Hello,am I speaking to Nosipho Cwathi? Me:Yes The caller:Oh I'm Nurse Khumalo,it's about your mom she was admitted and it's not looking good,she is now on life support Me:okey(I honestly didn't know what to say) Nurse:Okey seems like you still young,can I speak to an elder person? Me:I'm alone right now but I'll tell my aunt to get back to you when she comes back from work. We ended the call and I went back to what I had planned to do after my exams which is take selfies and t****k videos . It's now 6pm my aunt came back at 4 and she's busy cleaning,cooking and shouting at us which is something we are all used to now,my phone rings. Me:Hello The caller:Hi Nosipho,it's me Nurse Khumalo I've been waiting for you to call back. (God,I completely forgot) Me:Oh I'm sorry but let me give my aunt the phone since she's back already. (and I give her the phone) Aunt:Hello (And she listens) Aunt:Which hospital because we've been to Cape Town? (She listens) Aunt:Okey please send me the the details I'll see what I can do.( they ended the call) She went back to what she was doing and now she's no longer shouting,she keeps on glancing on me,okey I wonder what's going, like I care.... In the morning I'm awaken by my ringing cellphone, God why did I not put this thing on silent... Me:Hello Nurse:Nosipho I really need to speak to your aunt it's urgent (I wake up busy yawning and rubbing my eyes and give my aunt the phone she takes it and put it on loudspeaker) Aunt:Yebo Nurse:Mam things are really bad,you really need to come to the hospital we've tried everything and there's nothing we can do now. Aunt:(her voice is shaking)Okey I'll try and come today. (they ended the call) Aunt:Nosipho we need to go Nosipho:I'm not going anywhere, and please let's not fight over this because I'm not changing my mind(I then take my phone and go back to sleep) It's been one day since my aunt left for Durban she called and told us how things were,not that I care. Now we are sitting and watching Indians,we love Indian dramas here,my phone rings its my other aunt that lives in Thembisa. Me:Makazi ninjani(Aunt how are you) Makazi:Ndiright,uhleli nabani?(I'm good who you with?)(She seems down like she was crying, I tell her I'm with my cousins) Makazi:Please be strong Nosi,it was her time,your mother passed away Me:Okey(I really don't know how to react,I mean it's not like we were really mother and daughter) We ended the call,I tell my cousins about the news they look at me with pity in their eyes but I say nothing and we continue watching, now in silence. It's now 8pm when we hear a knock, Zintle walks to the door and open,that's my older cousin(She stays alone) and her friend. Ziyanda:Nosi unjani?(that's my older cousin asking) Me:I'm good,why?(to be honest I don't know how to feel) Ziyanda:You know you don't have to act strong around us,if you feel like crying please do or scream if you want. Her friend:And Ziyanda here has told me about your relationship with her,please forgive her for yourself and move on. Firstly I don't like talking about my business or feelings and I don't like talking to strangers and now Ziyanda went and told her friend about my business.Wow. Me:I'm okey,I'm really am.(I'm lying) We chatted for some few minutes then they left and we slept but I can't, I keep on tossing and turn until I decide to take my phone and just check w*****p statuses,then there the reality hits me,she's gone,her pictures are the with the "rip" captions,I can't hold it,I try to fight them but they fail me and I just cry,I cry until I fell asleep. In the morning I receive a text from my "friend" and he's asking me to accompany him to Eastgate and he promise to buy me food,and another thing I love food and I can never say no to free junk. 1pm I'm ready to go and I send him a text,he sends me a bolt ride,I wait for them outside,they arrive,I get in off we go. I help him choose a gift for her girlfriend then we go to steers,he knows I'm obsessed with burgers,we order and go sit down,he's eating,I'm not.He notices. Jabu:Okey out with it,what's wrong? Me:(I frown,I didn't even realize he was looking at me)Nothing I'm just not hungry. Jabu:You not hungry?don't forget that I know you,no matter how full you are you can never say no to a burger,now tell me what's going on? Me:You know yesterday I was writing and as much as I prepared for my test I feel like I didn't do well.(I lie) Jabu:(He hold my hand)Don't worry about it too much I'm sure you did well that forehead ain't big for nothing. (we laugh,and he has such a cute smile,which I keep telling him,he finishes his food and put mine on a take away bag and we go) We are now at my flat,sitting outside,he keeps on teasing me because he can see that I'm not myself,it's now dark but we have been talking, this guy can talk and I also can, it's time for him to go,his girlfriend have been calling,he stands up ready to go,he gives me a hug,I hold on to him,I don't wanna let go,I don't want him to go. Me:Please kiss me(that's my mouth without me thinking) Jabu:(he let go of me and looks at me)You know I can't do that,I have a girlfriend and I love her. (I nod,and there are my tears,I'm looking down trying to fight them but they fail me,he makes me face him and I see shock in his eyes) Jabu:What's wrong??why are you crying??(he asks with a worried look) (I just burry myself on his arms and I cry like nobody's business, see this is the first time I let someone see me when crying,I tried but I couldn't fight them anymore) After some time I'm calm and embarrassed, I thank him for the food and apologize for my behavior and I leave him without waiting for an answer. I get inside our place,found my niece busy playing she comes running to me and hugs me,she loves me and it melts my heart. I give her the burger I know she won't eat it but I really don't mind she takes it and give it to her mom to open for her,I greet them and go straight to my bed,put my phone on silent and take some painkillers and sleep. I wake up the following day and find several missed calls of my aunt and Jabu,I call my aunt,she answers. Aunt:Nosipho you need to go home,I'm still in Cape Town arranging for the body to be transported. Me:Okey,(I know I'm not going) Aunt:Please be strong,she was in pain she needed to be realesd from the pain she was feeling, and find it in your heart to forgive her. Me:Okey Aunt:So when are you going home? Me:I don't know,I still have one practical for school next week then I'll see(I lie) Aunt:Okey,because next week Saturday we need to bury her. Me:Okey I'll see and let you know(She asks to speak to her granddaughter,my niece that is,they talk even the the little lady can't utter even a single word,then they ended the call) I find a text message it's from Jabu,I open and it reads as "Sis pick up your phone your mucus is all over my hoodie and you need to wash it" I smile and put my phone away,this guy is crazy. It's been a week now since the news and yes I did go home for the burial and tomorrow is the day. It's afternoon and they just announced that the body is coming and everyone is not themselves,especially my aunt she is too emotional and I don't like seeing her like that,this woman is my life,well after my Granny passed away,I live for her now. Everyone suddenly starts crying, I'm confused then I quickly remember that we are expecting the body,my mom that is,and there they carry her and put her coffin at the center of the bedroom we are using,now it's time to see her,everyone is crying their lungs out except for me,I just want this to be over now,it's not like we knew her or anything. Okey I see everyone looking at me,okey what's wrong? The voice:You also need to go and see her (I turn to look,it's one of the relatives) Me:No I'm good Her:Nosipho let's go(and she gives me a straight face) Okey let me just go and stop being dramatic,there she is looking so innocent and so like me,it's like I'm looking at the old version of me,she is peacefully sleeping, I hope she rests in peace I say that in my heart then go take a seat. It's Saturday and we are burying her, everyone is giving me pity looks,and I keep on looking at her boyfriend I feel sorry for him,and he's crying he must have really loved her,he'll heal. It's time to put her to her final resting place,when they are done,I stand there and look at her grave,and there are my stupid tears I keep on wiping them but they are failing them. Me:I can't believe you are gone,I know you never liked me and I pretended like I feel the same but I wasn't, I'm gonna miss you,funny how I don't know what I'm gonna miss about you,but I know I will. I tried to do everything right so that one day you'll be proud of me and accept me,I did well at school and next year I'll be graduating, I did all this so that one day you'll love me back. I'm not sure if you can hear me but if you can,just know that I forgive you and I love you and thank you for being my mother.Rest in peace mother. (I turn to look there is Ziyanda she is busy sniffing she must have heard my pep talk with the dead) Ziyada:It's going to be okey,this too shall pass Me:How I wish it was that easy,I'm broken Zee and you know what hurts the most,the fact that I'll never know why she never liked me,anyway let's go eat I'm hungry (I lie,I want this conversation to end,I feel like I've said enough already) Its now at night,I take my phone browse on f*******: for her pictures, I find the one I like and save it and post it on w*****p with the caption "RIP mother",right then my phone rings its Jabu. Me:Hey lover boy Jabu:I'm sorry for your loss is that why you've been behaving strange lately? Me:No I'm good don't worry about me,how are you and how is Karabo(his girlfriend)? Jabu:Nosi? Me:Uhm look,I have to go we'll talk later. I don't wait for him to answer I drop the call and I just cry,I can't anymore, God knows how much I try to stay strong but I can't. I came back to Jozi 4 days after the funeral,I lied about school and my aunt understood.Truth is I wanted to be alone,I wanted to cry without anyone feeling sorry for me and this is what I'm doing right now. I arrived in the morning and all I've been doing is cry. It's now afternoon and I'm hungry,craving McDonald's okey I decide to take a bath and go to McDonald's it's a walkable distance, I get to McDonald's order my food and go sit dow,and there he is with his girlfriend. I smile at them and go sit alone. They come and sit next to me. Karabo:It's been a while,are you good?(she's pretending I know she doesn't like me) Me:I'm good,how are the both of you? Karabo:(holds Jabu's hands)We are good and expecting(She says smiling) Me:Oh wow I'm happy for you guys.(truth is I don't wanna talk to anyone but eat my food) Jabu:When did you arrive? Me:It's been 4 days Jabu:And why was I not informed? Me:I needed to be alone,I still do Jabu:(holding my hand)Can I please go through it with you? Karabo:Babe?(She asks giving me the look) Me:Uhm guys please excuse me,no please go back to where you were sitting. (I start crying,stupid tears) Karabo:I always knew you wanted my man but this,now you can't even hide your tears because of our pregn..... Jabu:KARABO!! Karabo:I can't believe you are taking her side Me:Karabo I'm sorry you feel like I'm into your man,Jabu is my friend and believe me if you knew how much he loves you,you wouldn't be talking the way you talking to me right now. This guy loves you soo much and the tears,I recently lost my mom we were burying her last week and I'm still not over her death,now please excuse me I'll eat my food at my place. (I get up,I can see Karabo feeling so embarrassed and Jabu,well I can't read his face now) I get home eat my food and decides that I'm not going to cry anymore it's now 8pm and there's a knock on the door,I go and open.Its Jabu. Me:Hi,come in they are still at home Jabu:You alone?(I nod and he comes next to me and gives me a hug,a tight one,I promised myself that I won't cry anymore and I will not,he breaks the hug) Jabu:You know you don't have to act strong for me Me:I'm okey Jabu,I'm really am Jabu:Tell that to someone who will believe you Me:(I notice a Steers takeaway)Is that for me? Jabu:Don't change the topic please I grab the food and open it and eat,we are now talking like everytime laughing and yes this guy has the cutest smile and he keeps on teasing me which I'm enjoying. Me:Congratulations on the pregnancy Jabu:Thank you,so how was home? Me:You don't have to change the subject, okey?Yes I once had a silly crush on you but I'm over that you are my best friend and I'm happy that you happy Jabu:(He gives me a kiss on my forehead)Thank you for such word,so when are we going out, me and my two favorite females? Me:Karabo?I don't think she'd love that Jabu:She is the one who suggested it Okey,I didn't expect that maybe she feels guilty and wanna apologize, okey I'm co with that,we set the dat and I promise to be fine. He wanted to sleep over but I was against it. It's been 3 weeks and we are approaching Christmas and yes we did went out with Karabo and this time she wasn't mean,I was happy we even exchanged numbers. We are going home for Christmas and I'm not looking forward to it but I'm not planning on fighting my aunt. So we off we go,HOME which is no longer home to me. I can't wait for Christmas to be over and go back to Jozi. Jabu has been calling,checking up on me,I love how he cares about me. We've been here for few days and today I feel like going to tow today and yes I'm going with my bestie. I'm now by her gate waiting for Yonela,she is never on time and I hate her for this,after feels like forever she comes out smiling at me,I'm not. Yonela:Don't worry I'm paying the taxi fare Me:Yes you will(She laughs) After eating and meeting some of my high school friends we went home and now now I'm home,everyone is in their good mood,I'm not but I'm not going to show. Guess what,Christmas finally arrived and I'm glad it's now over and now I'm on my way to Jozi I left,after convincing my aunt she finally agreed and now I'm in a bus in tears,I don't know why I'm crying. Voice:Can I please offer you a hug? Me:(I look up,it's a guy,he's dark in complexion and he doesn't look a friendly person)No I'm good Him:Now move let me sit(I move and he sits) Him:Thank you,take this phone and put your number so that one day you'll call me when you can't sleep and yes I'm a very good listener. Me:No I'm good and I'm sorry you had to see that. Him:You know it's not a crime to be weak at times, you are allowed to be vulnerable and let someone take care of you Me:And by someone you mean you? (He smiles,he's got dimples, he's CUTE) Him:Yes Me:I'm sorry but like I told you I'm good Him:Okey then it's fine don't give me your numbers but can I sit next to you? Me:You are here already (I laugh a little) Him:I love your laughter. I have an ugly laugh that I know but I decided not to argue with him we talked and I don't know when I dozed off but I wake up to him shaking me Him:Don't you need to go to the bathroom? Me:Uhmmm... Him:It's me relax Me:(I smile)yeah I'll go We went to the bathroom and came back to the bus Him:It's my turn now Me:Huh?? Him:I'm the one whose going to sleep on your lap now Me:Such a big head on my head Him:(He laughs)yes such a big head now let me sleep With that he sleeps on my lap and closes his eyes,now it's time I take a good look on this stranger,there is something about him I don't know what it is but I there is and now I regret not giving him my numbers and I'm praying he asks for them again.I don't know when I fell asleep but I'm awaken by a bus stopping when I open my eyes we are at the bus station we have arrived,I wake him Him:what?(he asks still closing he's eyes) Me:Get up from me we've arrived Him:Okey give me two minutes Me:No you delaying me,come on get up I wanna go Him:You have plans for the day? Me:Yes,now let me go Him:Okey come I'll drop off at your place Me:You know that's how people get kidn*pped right? Him:Come on,you didn't give me your numbers the least you could do is allow me to give you a lift Me:Why are you in a bus if you have a car? Him:Can you stop asking questions and let me take care of you Me:No thanks( I say that getting up,he follows me and ask to carry my bag for me,I refuse,he ask to request an Uber for me,I let him) It's still early in the morning when I get to the flat,I go straight to bed and all I do is think about the mystery guy, didn't even get his name,I don't know when I fell asleep but I'm awaken but a knock,who could it be,disturbing my sleep,I go and open the door. Jabu:Eee she's back and yeeer look what this Eastern Cape sun did to you Me:Don't start(I say that laughing and grab a box of pizza he's holding and go to the kitchen) Jabu:You should have asked you know Me:Why? Jabu:That's my money you eating you know that right Me:No(I say that biting another slice of pizza) Jabu:Thank you Me:What's wrong with you? (he comes close and hugs me) Jabu:Thank you for being yourself again Me:Who else am I supposed to be? Jabu:You know...(another knock) Jabu:You expecting someone? Me:You know very well that I have no friends maybe it's the caretaker (he stands up and go to the door) Jabu:Uhm how can I help? The voice:Is Nisipho around?(okey that voice sound familiar) Jabu:And you are? The voice:Nosipho!(I quickly go to the door to check and there is the stranger) Me:How did you get my address and my name? Him:Hello beautiful Jabu:Is everything okey?(he asks looking at me) Me:(I'm still chewing)yes uhm no,I don't know,what are you doing here?(I ask the stranger) Him:Are you going to let me in or you still busy with your boyfriend? Me:(I laugh a little)He's not my boyfriend,uhm Jabu this is the guy I met on the bus I don't his name and Mr Stranger this is Jabu my best friend.(Jabu pulls me away) Jabu:Do you wanna get kidn*pped? Me:No as I said I don't know how he knew my name and my address I'm just as confused as you are Him:I'd love some pizza can I take one slice?( I run to the chicken and take the pizza) Me:No I'm very hungry Him:(He smiles and look at Jabu)look man it's okey I got this you may go Jabu:Nosi? Me:It's okey I'll call you Jabu:(he comes close to me,hug me and kisses me on my forehead)you sure you'll be fine?(I nod) Now I'm left with the mystery guy and he looks so comfortable he is even cooking,my aunt would kill me if she'd see this,oh and he told me his name,we talked and yes I gave him my numbers, after he was done cooking we ate and yes he is a better cook than me,he told me he'll come back again tomorrow and I can't wait to see him again.