BreathE/BE/E: A SOLDIERS MAL-ADDICTION

I was conceived in a country just south from where I grew up. Central America to be exact. Well Managua Nicaragua if you want to be on point. Which is funny to me because at the time I was born on September 22nd 1980 there was a huge war going on in Nicaragua where the contras and the Sandinistas were fighting for a better democracy and to gain political rights over the party led by Daniel Ortega at the time and to tell you the truth it’s still like a battlefield out there in til this day. My first memories were of me riding in the back of a Jeep and just feeling the wind blasting at my face, in my mouth into my eyes then past my ears and through my fingers through and through. Now I must let you know that Central America is a very hot place all year long and it’s even hotter in the summer. So I figure I mean “why not, right!?” a Jeep would seem like the best type of transportation you could have out there and at the time it was. I mean just to be able to feel the winds in your face slapping against your skin and smelling the country side, having the good old dirt trickle into your face and eyes and watching the scenery wether it be the ocean, the sand or just the trees as you drove on the roads. You could also smell the good fried food as you passed through the small towns and just listening to the noise of the people selling whatever there was to sell from food to water to fruits and whatever there was to or you could sell during the daytime until evening came and then at night time just being able to see the dark skies filled with so many stars that you can ever count or imagine. It’s beautiful at night especially when its quiet and all you hear is the “chirps” of the grasshoppers and the “ribbits” of the frogs. But when you are in an open Jeep with no top or Windows and where you can just feel the wind blowing as it hit the trees and you could see the trees just swaying back and forth and then just continuing forward as you traveled through the bumpy dirt roads, jumping up and down from your seats at times and coming upon that hard dip or rock where you felt like you were about to fly out. I laugh at it now just thinking about how careless but safe we were riding in a Jeep or in the back of a pick up truck in those days and still making it home or to whatever destination you were headed to and safe from it all. What an experience it was. And just when you’ve had enough of the bumpy dirt roads, you would always come onto the main road which was much smoother and less dramatic, well at least until you came across some more dirt roads. Now On this day I remember the winds just really blowing and hitting hard past and through us and well especially for a two year old holding on to his seat for dear life and his baby blanket. Then just out of no where this roaring wind just blasting and blowing so hard right through me and that’s when it happened I remember that the most comforting item I tried to hold on so hard to I mean the one thing that made me feel so safe and just sound as I held it and just press it against my face making it just cover my nose as I smelled it and would make me feel so good inside and just calm and peaceful all the time I would do that. Especially that day in which what seemed to be a helluva ride and I remember having it pressed against my face as I smelled it one last time for my binky as I call it now just had that good old smell of home. That smell of mom and dad, the smell of grandmas perfume and when freshly washed that smell of that nice lightly fresh laundry soap I enjoyed breathing in. I remember that day so clear as if it were yesterday because my comfort and my safe wonderful binky just slipped out of my tight grip as I raised up from a bump on the road and just saw it fly away with the wind and all I can remember was a sad empty feeling of abandonment and my comfort no longer there to keep me safe. Man how I cried for them to stop and how hard it was to see my baby blanket just disappear as we kept driving forward. It sure made a huge impact on me and oh man did it! I mean for me to remember that day when I was two years old still to this day. I told my parents about this and another moment which I’m going to tell you here in my next chapter but I remember just sitting at “roundtable pizza” with my parents telling them this story and just watching my mothers face of pure astonishment as I told them as she too remembered that day very clearly as if it were yesterday. You see she also remembers this day clearly and filled with pure sadness and pain with the emptiness she felt that day for it was her fathers funeral. She stated that we had just left my grandpas burial sight and had just layed him down underground to rest his body down forever. I never got to meet my grandpa but here this day was a sad day for both my mom and I for I would never see my binky ever again and my mom would never get to see her old man ever again either. May he Rest In Peace and may God guide his soul.