The Summer Bucket List

Chapter 15

Farah’s POV

I woke up, and my head is crippling with ache. I wandered my eyes and found myself in my room, covered in a blanket, naked. I was shocked. Last night's happenings suddenly struck me.

[ After we kissed, every vein of my body unravels in a sudden overwhelming passion — an overwhelming feeling that he should kiss me, and that he should be inside of me right now. He envelops his arms around my waist and carries me like a newlywed bride. We never let any seconds stop us from pressing our lips together. I could feel the blazing flame inside us as we leaped into every movement, and in every extending time. We kissed in every corner of the staircase until we got into my room.

The very last memory I can remember, is when he was already on top of me, as he pushed his manhood inside of me, moving in a gentle, deep and hard motion. My moans echoed in every corner of my room and my fingers crippled behind his back, leaving marks of pure pleasure. We both became breathless when he got into his last thrust. As our bodies parted, he stared expressively at my eyes. He kissed me, not on my lips but rather on top of my shoulders softly, longingly. He tucked my hair behind my ear, then he kissed my forehead in the same manner. That kiss was stamped on my head. It was the gentlest and the lightest kisses that bloomed a wondrous warmth and joy in my heart.

“I have always loved you, Farah. Always,” he said tenderly. Those words ricochet through me, echoing softly like a lullaby in my ears. I didn’t feel my heart racing and pounding—like what most girls would expect — but rather calm and warm but beyond the core, like a cozy blanket, like a warm cup of coffee, simple, stable and substantial, like home. It made me weep in silent tears to realize I’m home.]

I wanted those magical memories to stay, like how it was, raw and sweet. But my mind argued when I saw the ring on my finger. Easton.

…

I walked downstairs and found August making breakfast in the kitchen. I couldn’t put myself towards him, but then he saw me.

“Good morning,” he said with a stretching smile. “Good morning.” I responded with a steady face. I just stood there frozen.

“Is everything alright?” he asked. I sighed deeply and dropped my head.” No,” I said straightforwardly. His brows crossed, trying hard to smile.

“This is not okay, August.” My voice thins, pinched to a whimper. His smile slashed, steady. He cut the act and stared at me, longer than what that moment demanded. His voice turned ragged. “It’s Easton, right?” I shuddered yet stayed quiet. He must’ve read the answer in my silence. “How about what happened last night? Does it mean nothing to you?” he said, disappointed.

“It’s wrong.”

“No, it’s not wrong,” he marched towards me. “I know that we both want it, that we have both been longing for it. And I know, and I can feel it through my bones, that you love me. You’re just scared to admit it.” His voice tumbled. Tears slipped down through my eyes.

“Come on, Farah, say it! Please say it. Say that you love me.” His voice comes out thick with emotion. “I’m sorry August.” I weep in front of him in the quietest way.” But I’m still going to marry him. ”

He was stunned, voiceless. He dropped, losing hope. Then he left, no goodbyes, nothing.

My knees fell on the floor as if there's no bone in them, not yielding any strength. At that moment, I completely broke down. My heart sinks, heavily, deeply. It’s as if I was drowning in complete agony, and I can’t breathe. “August” I want to shout his name so badly, but it’s unbidden in my throat. I sobbed. It’s too late.

…

It’s been three days since I last saw him, since that last heartbreaking moment with him. Since that day, I haven’t been in my right self. I was often out of mind, quietly locked in melancholy, guilt and self-hatred. But I had to wear my mask on, because Easton is here. He came to Morehead yesterday. And now, we’re here at Jella’s Gender Reveal Party for her second child. I know August will be here. And clearly, I don’t want to see him, not because I’m mad at him. I just can’t. But I couldn’t make that as an excuse to not attend the party when I made a promise to Jella.

“Are you feeling okay, Hon? If you’re not, we can just head back so you can rest,” Easton said.

“I’m good hon, thank you.”

“Hi, Farah!” Jella suddenly showed up and greeted me with a kiss on the cheeks. ” Hi,” I smiled. “Oh, is this Easton?” She pointed. “Yeah, Easton, this is Jella.”

“Hi, it’s very nice to meet you,” Easton replied, and handed his hand.

“Farah told me about you. Welcome to Morehead, Easton.” They shake hands.

“Thank you. By the way, congratulations on your new baby.”

“Thank you." She smiled."I’ll be going now then. Enjoy the party.”

“Ahm, Can I talk to you for a second?” I intervened. “Sure,” Jella replied.

“I’m sorry the other day.”

“You know, you don’t have to feel sorry about it. I understand,” she said as she put her palm on top of mine. I smiled then hugged her heavily. “Thank you for everything, Jella.” I whispered in her ear. She smiled, then slowly rubbed my back.

As time passed, people started coming into the party, including Marie and Gabriel. I introduced Easton to them, plastering a smile for them.

Everyone shouted and screamed when Jella and Chris were about to cut off the cake for the gender revelation, which in the end reveals the color blue. “It’s a boy!” the crowd shouted. Everyone applauded and was so happy for the couple.

In the midst of the crowds, my eyes suddenly interlocked with the person I was hoping to hide from. August. He was there standing as stiff as stone, not daring any movement, just staring at me and Easton. I could feel it again, the wall barricaded him. But the difference is, it’s not cold anymore, it’s the opposite, warm yet quietly agonizing.

My chest tightened again. My emotions were tethered to him, and even though I wanted to cut the strings, I don’t know how. It’s overwhelming and it’s filling me. I wanted to run to him, and cut the rope of distance, but I just stood there frozen. I never thought Easton was already staring at my eyes and the way I look at August with an unrelenting expression.

“Do you know him?” he asked. I swallowed, then nodded. “He’s August,” I said, then glanced away. Easton suddenly walked towards him and left me hanging in thoughts. I was instantly glued on my spot as I watched them conversing. Easton then looked in my direction and invited me towards them. “Come here hon.” I don’t want to go there. I’d rather be glued to my spot, than to be stuck in that uncomfortable situation. But it left me with no choice, so I walked straight, gathering enough self-esteem.

“It’s good to finally meet you. My fiancé told me a lot about you, August.” I stayed quiet, keeping my head down. I couldn’t even pretend a smile. “Did you tell him about our wedding?” Easton asked me, with an odd smile. I was confused. “I… I didn’t,” I answered dumbfounded.

He looked prevailingly at August.” Our wedding is in October after this summer. I wanted it to be in fall,” he said, stared back at me and smiled. I was shocked. I didn’t know that there was already a date, and that it’s settled. Or he just made it up?

I was then placed into a more restrained and confused situation, where I couldn’t defend instead act dumb for Easton not to be exposed and humiliated. He pressed my waist closer to him, showing that he owned me. It was the very first time that I saw him act like that. August witnessed it all, the movement of his hands, the eyes.

I felt slowly winded. “Can you please excuse me for a moment?”

“Sure honey,” Easton said.

My breathing quickened, and my nerves seemed tied when I got into the bathroom. I was literally on the verge of exploding. Every second in that situation, is overweighting, and it’s getting inside my head like a crumpled and messy paper I couldn’t flatten. I am upset about Easton making an instant decision about the wedding without telling me. I felt stupid with unraveling rage, but most of all I felt hurt, not for me, but for August. The pain in his eyes is radiating through me.

I went out instantly and grabbed a drink. I drank almost half of the wine, and it wasn’t enough for me. I went out of the party, drove the car to a bar without anyone noticing me. I don’t know. I felt a surge of desperation to drown myself in alcohol again just to lessen this tormenting guilt and messy feelings.

I drank like a reckless, unstable alcoholic woman completely losing my s**t. It wasn’t a rebellion. It was an escape. I know the effects are temporary, and that the consequences might be permanent. But, I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of continuously painting my mask depending on what should be, and what must be.

I wanted to forget everything. I wanted to calm my mind. But August still taunts my mind in waves. I don’t recall it. He just slipped into my mind inevitably. In every bottle that I drink, it’s the memories of him I could see. He’s haunting me.