Rise, Fallen Angels, Children of God

Chapter 14

            Gin needed to fly back to Paris a day before me since he mentioned that his business partner had an emergency. Gin has to sign papers and contracts for his artists not to mention, his new stars hitting the charts in the U.K. and the U.S.

On the plane to Paris, I realized that losing Edmund was like a bad dream for me and that is not going to be easy to forget. Well! In this magnificent city one can just easily forget his/her sorrows by looking at the Eiffel Tower. Gin offered to accompany me at the Ritz. I considered the offer since I didn’t have any plans anyway. Wow! 13 hours and fifty-two minutes on the plane seemed forever. If it’s not wrong to commit suicide and jump out of here, I would’ve done it, just to escape and forget about this pain I feel. It’s been throbbing so hard and hurtful that dying is the best resort and leaving everything behind, is the appropriate answer to my resolve. I was not able to sleep in the flight, so I watched three movies and two series. I just paused every time I needed to go to the restroom. It is a relief that Gin has free time to join me, no! to wallow with me, in somewhat crucial time of my life, hmm! All about me, myself and I. I wonder how is Gin feeling with all of this!? And does he still remember the time when he boldly made out, or sort of made out with me at that parking lot?, me biting my lip checking when was the last time I had good s*x before. Edmund was a gentleman and so reserved but nice in bed. However, Gin is different. He is beautiful, his moves are so natural, maybe since he is very popular among the girls, he had a lot of practice. Huhhhhh!!! What am I thinking? Am I blushing? Oh my God, I am attracted with him, sexually. This is a first! Hmm! Ahhh! Alex, now is not the time for s*x, but to mourn for Edmund’s death, and maybe some of Gin’s rough but hot s****l advances. F*ck! Stop it, Alexa!, me talking to myself getting ready to get out of the plane with a long sigh. Thank God! Haaa!!! My second home and it smells so good here!, breathing the air, while a flight attendant is smiling as she escorts me out of the metal door. My suitcase was sent to the counter while walking with my carry on which consists of my laptop, cellphones and personal stuff.  Standing near the counter with the ground attendant I think of Gin. He  is so great  and we became close friends in a very short amount of time. I am thankful he is here to support me and it’s just been two months since I met him here, in this same airport. When Jodie passed, my world collapsed and I was left alone in rubbles of my messed up life, not able to survive the ruins she, my love left me to suffocate on. She was my world, my breath, my life. I am blessed to have an understanding family who had been there for me all the way to get through Jodie’s death and now Edmund’s. Am I cursed or something!? Am I being punished for being so stubborn, doing the things I love to do and being selfish, loving Jodie and now Edmund, but as if fate is telling me to give up my quest for finding true love. It’s no use anyway, the people I love so deeply are just taken away. Why are you punishing me, or maybe, do you hate me so much, you don’t want me to be happy??? God, answer me, please! I said while my suitcase is being carried to my hotel’s car.  I can’t seem to recognize the driver, maybe Joe is no longer my regular, anyway. Where to ma’am?, the driver asked. Ah! Back to the hotel uh!!!. Oh! Manu, you can call me Manu! Ma’am, he added courteously. Yes! Alexandra, just call me Alex!, I replied smiling at him. Okay Ma’am Alex, just sit back, relax and we‘re on a move! Okay, hi, hi, I said laughing slightly with how my new driver is bubbly and has a pleasant aura in him. I think I’m going to like his company from now on. Yup, to the hotel then!, me, like a child saying to my horse to charge.

While travelling back at the hotel, I still kept thinking about Jodie and Edmund. I have moved on from Jodie’s passing yet I still can’t forget how much I love her and the big scar she left me. And now this! Haay! I need to have a drink after, I wonder if Gin is free tonight!? I was able to survive that tragedy of losing Jodie, and now I need to move on with my losing Edmund. My life is so complicated, I can write about it and make people cry because of the drama. But I’m so tired of the drama. I pick myself up when bad things happen and when I’m caught in tragic situations such as this. I’ll survive and win this too! I know break ups, deaths and tragedies happen and it’s part of life. And nobody can escape challenges, trials or even deaths that the universe throw at us.  We think it’s painful, unreasonable sometimes that we want to quit but in the process we learn to accept them and fight to get through them for our growth and maturity. Like diamonds that are chiseled to be as smooth as possible or like gold, refined in the furnace to be shaped to whatever we are destined to be, to glitter and be the beautiful people that we are made to be. After all this I can say that I have overcome pain and depression. My personal victory over tribulations.

How was your flight Ma’am…Manu asked interrupting my thoughts. Oh! Yes! It was lovely, though I really hate long haul flights, I’d rather do long drives than that. Thanks for asking! Alex, just call me Alex. Are we near yet?, I added, feeling the jet lag and a bit sleepy now since I hadn’t have much sleep or rather no sleep at all on the plane. We’re nearly there, Manu said while maneuvering at the front of Ritz Hotel saying, here we are, A..Alex! Have a good night dear, alright!, Manu added caringly. Thank you sir! Good night too!, I replied kindly since he was so polite and sweet. See you around Manu!, right!? I added, Manu now smiling at me while taking off his hat as I went out of the car.

 In my room, I changed to my usual white sando, tight shorts, with no bras and wore the bathroom robe on top. I haven’t decided yet whether to dip in the tub or just take a short hot shower since it’s about 16 degrees cold now in Paris. September, 2019, seems colder than ever, even though there have been news about heat waves. But it’s mostly in the U.K. Australia and the U.S.. I want to spend Christmas here but I need to come home since it’s been a Filipino tradition, anyway it’s fun and more warm in the Philippines during this time of year.  

On my bed, I didn’t know I already dozed off for three hours. Then suddenly woke and positioned myself lying flat on my tummy hitting the sheet, my legs on top moving to and fro, while reading this online novel in w*****d. It says here that it only takes 21 days to forget a feeling and one can fall in love again after that. Meaning, I can grow new feelings for someone after 21 days. Interesting! But with how I am feeling now, with Jodie it has been 20 years and I still feel the loss. What more with Edmund! It would always be hard to let go. I went out to the terrace and there I see the Eiffel Tower, grand and beautiful, yet alone. It’s not complaining, never gloomy or ungrateful. A structure with no emotions, not judging and not expecting anything from no one. It’s just there waiting, standing tall for people to visit, stare and be mesmerized by its beauty that doesn’t disappoint anyone, or whatsoever. Unlike us human beings who feel regrets, pains, sadness, disappointments, doubts, fears and judge or expect things from people we care about, and feelings like love be reciprocated or none at all.   

We aren’t perfect, we can both feel sadness or joy and that is life. Even if we are the strongest person in the world, we too have weaknesses and sometimes we get tired or give up, too. But in our weakness comes strength and in problems there are gifts enclosed in it. We just need to look at issues on a different angle or take them as challenges that when we overcome, is our success story. I realized that in the midst of sorrow and defeat we still need to be thankful we are alive or get the chance to survive it. In hardship there is opportunity or possibility. At the end of every storm there is always a rainbow. I believe that it is true. But do I really believe it?...hmmm!

Gin occupied the room next to Alex and he didn’t know that now. Now Gin is thinking hard on how to reveal his real identity to her. I am worried about her reaction. Would Alex accept me or hate me? How would she take it, would she be happy to see me and this transformation? Nothing has changed anyway, I am still Jodie inside but I just look different from the outside. Ahhhhh! I am going crazy and scared, Gin added as if wanting to deliberately bump his head to the wall since he doesn’t know what he can do to calm himself, now that Alex is in the room next to his. And since she’s so close for him to reach, he wanted to touch and kiss her. I miss you so much baby, Alex, I really miss you, Gin sadly thought while lying on his bed with Alexa’s photo on his hand as if praying, talking to it, almost in a cry, saying those words honestly. I still love you Alex and this feeling will never ever change…I…

Knock, knock!...

Who is it? Gin asked wiping the tears from his eyes with his white sleeve . He is still wearing his long sleeves and sando since he just came home from the office. Though he already wore his pajamas since he was about to change his top after talking to Alex’s picture (which he does every day of his life) It’s me Alex!...

Huh! What the…..!!!, Gin as if in a flash took Alex’s photo and hid it under his pillow and ran to open the door for her, not thinking twice. He fixed his hair first and opened the door. Oh f*ck..I am wearing my pink PJ’s. Ha  ha!, Hi! Alex…

Hm! Wow, I like color pink on you, hehe!, Alex said smiling so wide as if teasing Gin…Yah, yeah! I know I am cute, Gin added while Alex still laughing at his PJ’s. What can I do for my sweet lady? ....Ah! I can’t sleep, I just knew that your room is next to mine, so I ….Alex said while Gin interrupted her. Are you stalking me? Gin said as revenge. No, no, no. Okay, if you’re busy and… Oh, no I am not busy, Gin replied,  I was about to change when you knocked, just got home from work, you see! Okay, then can I crash and just maybe, watch T.V. you know. I really can’t handle being alone now, not at this time! I’m like very emotional, so can I stay with… you….tonight? Alex asked as if going to cry. Oh, Alex, it’s okay. I love you….ah, I love your company and  I missed you since we didn’t have time to chat after the funeral because of many things, Gin explained while clearing his throat, almost revealing his true feelings for Alex. That’s awesome! Perfect!. Thank you Gin! Mwah!. Yup and we can watch an old film and sulk in the sofa, together. Ha ha!, Gin added happily, thinking that this is a good opportunity to talk with her about his true identity. I’ll go change and fix us some popcorn, what would you like to drink anyway! Oh my bad, please come in my princess!!! Gin apologizing since Alex is standing in the front door for minutes already. Thank you my good sir! Alex said courteously in a lady like gesture, just like in the old movies.

Hmm! … Alex checked on Gin’s place, black and white, like a bachelors pad and touched the sofa. It is black suede, soft to touch, very big for one person. I think it can stretch as extra bed for visitors. She sat on the sofa like a kid and rested her head on the other arm on the left end side.

Hang on, here’s a comforter and white wine, fruits ( with a platter of strawberries, raspberries and cherries) and cheese flavored popcorn.