Endless Nights

Shadow's Keep

I watched out the window as we drove past a lot of trees. I didn’t think much about where daddy was taking us. He always took us to strange places at night. He always said it was a game. He loved playing games.

            I remember a few months ago when Daddy took us down from Mom’s house during the night. They always met at a dirty gas station when it was Daddy’s turn to have us. We don’t go to Daddy’s house much anymore since Mom met her new boyfriend. He’s nice but he’s not Daddy.

            “Hide Cari its coming.” I ducked down in the back of the truck and curled up next to Mesme, my sister. She looked like Daddy. I loved her hair; it was like chocolate dribbling down her back. Mine was just like straw in a bunch of knots that Daddy would rip out later. I giggled as the car zoomed pass us, in our heads it was a mighty dragon that would eat us if it were to see us.

            “I think it’s gone.  I don’t see any more dragons.” I sat up again to look out the back window. We had to make sure to not move too much or Daddy would make us move to the front of the truck where we couldn’t see the dragons. He only let us back here because we had been wining. I flopped down next to her and hunched my shoulders. That was the first dragon we’d seen for a long time. We’d been back here for a few hours now. I wanted to ask if we could stop and go potty but I was afraid he would get mad.

            He got mad some times for no reason and I didn’t want him mad again.

            I sighed and looked back outside where it was getting darker. We were supposed to go camping this weekend before we went back to Mom. It’d been a long time since we went camping. Mom was at work so much now and when she’d get home she didn’t want to go anywhere. She always had bruises from the warehouse she worked at. I couldn’t understand why she kept going if it was hurting her.

            When I asked her that she sat me on her lap and pet my hair. “Sweety, when you get older you’ll understand that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to for the ones you love.” That was two years ago. She said things like that all the time. “If it’s hard then you’re doing it right.” Or. “The world sucks, pull it together and do it yourself because no one will take care of you so you have to. You don’t want to die, do you?”

            When she said stuff like that it made me sad that she wasn’t happy. She would sleep when she got home but when we went to bed she’d make sure we were lying down. Daddy used to kiss us goodnight before he left. Then they split and he went and lived with Uncle Tommy. He was a biker. I loved his motorcycle; he’d take me on rides with him sometimes.

            Mom didn’t like that much but she had to let us go or Daddy would get mad and they’d fight again. They fought a lot before he left. I remember their last fight; it was about me getting sick at mommies friends. I cried the whole night after that. Mesme got mad at me and told me to grow up, only babies cried.

            I managed to stop crying but it was hard not to sniffle. It made me hurt knowing that I made them fight again. While I was waiting for Daddy to show up Mom had me wait outside in the stinky yard to try and keep me from throwing up on her friends things again. She wasn’t happy at me when I got her things dirtier than they already were.

            It was really cold out and I forgot my jacket so I stood outside shivering. When Daddy showed up Mom walked out from the house and told me to get in the truck. Daddy stopped me and gave me a hug, asking if I was alright. I nodded and he kissed my head. “Go wait in the truck sweet heart.” I moved away from the warmth of his chest and walked to the truck. As soon as I was a few feet from the ugly truck they started arguing in whispers.

            “You know she gets sick easy. You’re her mother you’re supposed to take care of her when she gets like that.” Daddy was always worried when I got sick. He didn’t like it, especially when I got sick so much. Mom didn’t believe me anymore, she thought I was faking. It makes me want to scream when she tells me that I’m lying. I don’t lie about being sick but she says it anyway. I know I’m not lying when my stomach feels like it’s being ripped apart by the monster that follows us.

            “She was fine ten minutes ago. She can’t keep getting sick like that, it’s not normal. Mesme and Mara don’t get sick like that.”

            Daddy scraped his hand across his fuzzy chin. “She can’t lie about throwing up Sarah. It’s not like she shoves her fingers down her throat. She doesn’t even know what that’s supposed to do yet.”

            Mom’s voice turned cold again, it always turned cold with Daddy now. “No kid gets that sick that often Simon.” She growled at him like Jude’s mean dog did at me when I got too close.

            He didn’t say a word to her and walked back to the truck to brush my hair out of my face the way he did when I was sick. I was sitting on the front seat. “I’m sorry I got sick again Daddy.”

            He started the truck and started driving. I couldn’t see anything through the front window. “I know sweety. Go to sleep and you’ll get better.” I did, his voice was like a hug. He didn’t like hugging so it was good to get one that way.

            “Mesme, Cari come back up front.” I hunched my shoulders and shrugged Mesme’s shoulder. She was asleep. She’s two years older than me but she slept a lot more.

            “What?” She sat up glared at me.

            “Dad said we have to go back up front.”

            She didn’t say anything; she got up and started crawling through the small window that was in the back window. She barely fit now. When Daddy got the truck she could go through it without a problem. I waited until her feet were through to get through myself.

            I sat in the middle because my baby sister was in a car seat behind the front seat. Mesme was in the front seat but the window seat was full with stuff.

            “Dad?”

            He looked back at me. “Yah?”

            “Can we get cake before we go home? My birthday’s coming up and Mom said you wouldn’t be there this year.” I watched my hands while I talked. I couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore. The mean boys next door took care of that.

            I flinched at the thought. They would throw rocks at me every time I looked up from the ground. They were darker than me and I wasn’t that light either. I was white but not pasty. I didn’t mind that they were darker, only that they were really mean.

            They had moved in last year when Em and her brother moved out. She was one of my best friends until she stopped hanging out with me and started hanging out with my sister. Then they moved.

            The house was empty for a while before they moved in. Then they had to ride our bus. That was before Mesme went on the high schooler’s bus. When she did that they started being really mean. They always shouted at me, saying that girls shouldn’t be going to school. Girls were dumb and shouldn’t be shown to be anything but dumb.

            I stopped listening after a while and they didn’t like that. They would send my sister down the hill before the bus came so they could hit me. It didn’t happen if no one else saw it. It didn’t happen if I said it did because I was a liar. Their daddy said so.

            When I told Mom that they were doing that I got grounded for a month and got a red butt for a week. Daddy scolded me for lying too, no one believed me and told me that I made things up.

            I cried and wanted to hurt everyone that hurt me, but I didn’t want to either. I stopped because I wouldn’t be any better than them. That was the only thing that kept me from telling Mom when they made me bleed. They got worse when they knew they could get away with it. They’d throw rocks at my back until blood dried my shirt to my back. When I would go to school I’d wear a sweater so they wouldn’t see the stains.

             They would hurt me if I did something wrong. So I learned fast what not to do.

They were weird things too. I couldn’t look them in the eyes, or talk while I was there. It started with that soon if I started to cry while they hurt me they would hurt me more. They were always smart about where they hurt me too, never where anyone could see. They would even make sure that I didn’t wear something that made it easy to see the marks.

             When I started wearing the right clothes it got worse. If they were angry at someone I would get the end of it. It got to the point where I couldn’t have my back to them or they would do something. It was just a game to them. But they always said I deserved what I got. I was nothing more than a little girl. I was nothing.

            I was only a liar.

            When I got home I’d have to rip off my shirt again and soak it in the tub so Mom wouldn’t see the blood.

            I remember when I would try and make it to the bus with only a few minutes to spare so they wouldn’t have time but I would miss the bus. That would get Mom and Daddy mad at me and I wouldn’t be able to sit for the next few days. Those were my choices, no sitting or no sleeping on my back. I chose to not sleep on my back. I had to sit most of the day.

            But it was ok when they did it. I could get through other people hurting me. They only needed help getting away from their trouble. If I learned their lessons quick enough they would learn theirs. I’m glad that I didn’t have to be around them during the school day though.

            Dad caught my attention again. I watched him nod in the mirror. “Sure. How old are you this year?”

            “I’ll be twelve.” He barely remembers how old we are anymore, when he remembers to call.

            He smiles and moved his hat. He was bald under that cowboy hat, but he had long brown hair in a braid going down his back. I always thought his head looked weird like that. “Wow almost a teenager.”

            I smiled. “Yah. Mom can’t wait.”

            The talk stopped after that. It wasn’t long before Mesme was asleep again and it was just me and Daddy awake. He drove for a long time after that. He didn’t stop until we were far away from lights. He knew that I hated the city but we hadn’t gone camping like this for a long time.

            He pulled onto a dirt road that leads to a bunch of trees. I watched them coming closer and started shaking. I didn’t like the dark. It made me sick; I knew that something was always there so it made me never want to go outside in the dark. I wasn’t afraid of the dark until I was nine when I had my own room for the first time.

            That night I was really sleepy and I went to bed by myself for the first time ever. It was easy getting to sleep but sometime during the night I woke up and it was pitch black in the room. Daddy had shut my door while I was asleep. It didn’t bother me so I rolled over trying to get back to sleep.

            Then in the corner I saw something move. I thought it was something out the window so I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Then something touched my back. It was icy and very solid. It sucked the air from my lungs. I laid there trying to breath. When I could I curled up on the very inside of my bed and tried to say it wasn’t real.

                I knew I was lying.

            It was too dark; I had to get the light on. I sat there forever trying to get myself to get off the bed, jump over the thing waiting there and get to the door. I knew where it was but I didn’t want to leave my bed.

            Soon I pulled my legs under me and braced for a jump. When I did I landed on it. I thought I had jumped on water but then it moved away from my feet. I raced to the door and couldn’t find the handle. I moved my hand up and down the wall looking and looking. I couldn’t find it. I started screaming because it was coming. I knew it was coming and I needed the light.

            I heard someone running through the house and my door shot open. It was behind me. I turned when it did and watched my Dad watch the black thing move across the floor. When it was under my bed he came to me and held me for a long time. He petted my hair until I stopped crying. He told me never to be in the dark by myself again.

            I nodded and he kissed my head. He picked me up and set me on my bed. He hummed me to sleep.

            Now he was waking me. He picked my head up off my knees, trying to wake me. “Time to wake up Cari.” I fell asleep as we went through the woods.

            I groaned and rubbed my eyes. He shook his head and put a finger over his lips. “Quiet.” I nodded and he held his hands out to pick me up. He hadn’t done that since I was little.

            He picked me up and pulled me through the seats and out the front door. The cold air had me shivering in seconds. He put a jacket on me and put me down so I had to stand up. As I stood there rubbing my eyes he shut the door to the truck and grabbed my hand.

            “Come on sweety.” I followed him, watching the ground.

            My feet were getting wet from the grass. I looked up and didn’t see a tent but more trees. “Dad, can we go to the tent?”

            He pulled me to a faster walk. “Not yet, sweety. There’s something we have to do first.” I nodded and rushed to keep up with him. I looked up at his hand, they were so rough. I didn’t see any grease on them though, which wasn’t normal. His nails were always dirty but now they were cleaner than mine. Of course his skin was dark so you couldn’t really tell that there was ever grease on them.

            A few more minutes and there was a big empty space where trees had been before. I looked out where there were no trees and smiled. “Aunty!”

            I let go of Daddy’s hand and ran to her. She picked me up in a bear hug. Her red hair was so long. I loved it. Mom always told me how she loved her hair but how she wanted mine. I couldn’t figure out why she wanted mine and not Auntie’s.

            “Hi.” She had a kind voice that said what she didn’t say. “How are you?”

            I smiled. “Sleepy.”

            She rubbed her hand down my face. “You can go to bed soon.”

            I nodded and followed her when she led me away from Daddy. She started talking to me about how Daddy would tell her about me getting sick. She said she didn’t like that so she was going to try and fix it. I didn’t really listen to what she was saying because I didn’t understand but after a lot of her talking she told me to stand in the middle of a circle of white stuff.

            “Alright, Cari you need to not be scared. Be a brave girl for us ok?” I nodded and watched her read from a book I remember from when I was younger.

            It was huge, and brown. It didn’t feel like the books at school, it was soft but stuck to your skin if you rested it on one spot for too long. It smelled funny too, not like a normal book. The pages were brown and smelled like someone had burnt it.

            She had it open and waiting for her. There was a fire in the middle of the clear area. She motioned me to stay where I was. She walked a few steps away and stopped by the book. “This is going to be a little weird sweety but I need you to stay where you are. Whatever happens don’t go outside the white line on the ground. Understand?”

            I nodded. “Yes Aunty.” I watched as she did things around the book then brought a bowl of something to me. She smeared it on my forehead. “What are you doing?”

            She smiled. “Helping you get better.” She pressed the stuff in the bowl to my lips. “Drink some please. It’s going to taste bad though.”

            I took a few gulps before gagging. It tasted like the acorn-grass mix I would make as fake medicine in the yard. She patted my head and walked back to the book. “Remember don’t move.”

            I stood there coughing but nodded. It was making my stomach jump around like it did when I spin too fast on the swing.

            I had trouble staying up but I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and watched Aunty. She started saying something over and over again. When she did that someone in the darkness started hitting a drum like Uncle did.

            I’ve watched Uncle play before, pretty ladies would twist and turn to the beat. Their bodies told me a sorrow but happy filled story, not this time though.

            It made my head hurt, the drums did, but I didn’t move. She told me not to move.

            I stood there watching what she was doing for a long time. So long that my feet started to hurt from not shifting. Just when I about to fall asleep on my feet the shadow thing came inching up to the white stuff in the dirt. It woke me up completely. I couldn’t move because the fear of it. I looked up to see if they could see it too but no one was looking at it.

            I wanted to say something but words wouldn’t make it pass my mouth. It was the strangest thing. The harder I tried to scream the harder it was to scream.

            Soon it was at my feet, I started to cry. I didn’t want it to touch me. I didn’t like it when it touched me. I tried to move but Auntie’s words came back to me. She said not to move.

So I stood there shaking.

            It finally touched my toes. It was cold; I could feel it through my shoes. It started to creep up my legs, then my stomach. Soon it was up to my neck. I forced myself to stop crying and made myself calm down. Freaking out wasn’t helping. So I pulled my non-feeling thing I would do when the boys from next door would hurt me. It helped clear my head, even for a moment.

            As it made its way onto my face I got angry. So angry, it scared me a little. I pulled in one last breath before it creped over my mouth and soon my eyes. The last thing I saw was the fire slowly blazing.

            I was too scared to breathe in, so instead I screamed out my last words. “GET OFF ME!”

            I felt the coldness take my heat away. I fell to the ground. I laid there in the coldness for a while before a blazing light burned my eyes. Soon, I was pushed away.

            A small voice hummed me to sleep. “Don’t go in the dark Cari. It will come back. Stay in the light and you’ll be safe. I promise.” It paused then hummed again. “Take care of yourself and your mom. I do love you but I have to go.” It was a sad voice. Why was it so sad? I forgot why it would be so sad.

            A different voice came then. Quieter. “Smile and be happy. You have to always look like happy. One day you will remember this but for now forget.” It stopped and got louder. “Forget everything that’s happened from this night and in the dark.”

            Then I forgot. Last of

            “Cari, you ok?” I looked up and smiled, high schoolers walk around me as I stood in the middle of the hallway.

            I looked up at Em. “Yeah, just thinking.”

            She frowned at me. “You sure?” I looked pass her and saw her boyfriend coming.

            I smiled. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”