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"Really? But you've been holding it for over ten minutes and haven't taken a single bite." She looked at me with a puzzled expression.
"Oh, really? It's been that long?" I said, taking a bite of my hamburger.
"Look," she said, waving her hamburger as if to say, "Look, I've almost finished it."
"What's wrong with you today? Are you preoccupied? You've been spacing out the whole time. If there's anything I can do to help, please tell me, okay?" Looking at her considerate expression, I nodded involuntarily. I think only she could make me feel this way. After lunch, we went to the library together. She continued reading her unfinished copy of *Pride and Prejudice*. I picked up a book and sat down at the table, the scene from the break replaying in my mind.
"What are you going to do with that girl?" she asked maliciously.
"So, you were the mouse hiding in the corner!" I exclaimed.
"Who are you calling the mouse?" she roared.
"I don't think the cat needs to tell the mouse who the mouse is!" I used a small analogy.
“You,” Luvian paused for a moment, then continued, “as her creator, you haven’t taught her anything!”
“When did it become your place to meddle in my affairs?” I retorted bluntly.
“Don’t be so fierce. I wouldn’t dare interfere in your business; I was just kindly reminding you.” Accompanying these words was that same disgusting laughter, but now tinged with anger; it seemed her heart was no longer as calm as Luvian’s.
“I never thought that after a thousand years, you still hadn’t learned how to be a proper nobleman,” I remarked coldly.
“You! I’m leaving now.” With that, she drifted away, as if I had come to cause her trouble—just like a child.
I patted my dusty hands, which were leaning against the railing, and glanced at the dark gray sky. It looked like it was about to rain again. Just then, the school bell rang, and I turned and headed towards my classroom. Snapping out of my reverie, I noticed a boy across from me staring intently. I ignored him and lowered my head to read, only to realize upon closer inspection that I was holding an unknown Spanish novel. I was quite impressed with my own luck—finding a Spanish novel in a typical high school library. Now I understood why the boy across from me was staring so intently; he had noticed the odd book in my hand but was too shy to say anything. It was rather ridiculous. I didn't tell Alice, perhaps because I was afraid she'd laugh at me, or maybe because I was afraid she'd question me about why I was so distracted. In any case, I didn't tell her for a certain reason.
We spent our lunch break in the library. I picked up a book I couldn't understand at all, and just sat there, lost in thought, waiting for Alice to call me to leave, waiting for class to start.
The afternoon was PE. I don't really like PE, even though I'm athletically gifted. Maybe it's because whenever I'm at the front of the line, I can't help but wonder if some mysterious force is at play, allowing me to run faster than everyone else. If so, then I'm a cheater. If not, then there's no point in testing. Because in this world, I've been a cheater since birth, a cheater who avoids everything, a shameful cheater. Thankfully, the finish line was just around the corner, and I didn't need to dwell on this painful thought anymore, but in the end, I was first again.
Alice's cheers, the teacher's approving gaze, the envious praise from everyone—all blended into a painful ache in my ears, making me feel suffocated. I wanted to run away, but I was also afraid to run away. I was afraid that running away too much would become a habit, and as the saying goes, "habit becomes second nature." What would I do then? How would I face others? How would I face myself? How would I continue living my life?
I slowly walked to Alice's side. She excitedly rushed towards me, hugging me and laughing loudly, "Great! You won again! Let's go to KFC to celebrate!" Her joy was so intense, as if I were her greatest pride. But I couldn't feel happy at all. I just nodded slightly. Perhaps I had long forgotten what happiness was, how to express it.
"You must do your best at the sports meet next Monday! You are the biggest hope of our class," said Mr. Yang, the PE teacher, patting my shoulder.
"I will," I replied Kyle.
"If it were you, there wouldn't be any problem," Sun Ao ran over to encourage me. But none of them knew, didn't know I was a cheater. I didn't deserve their encouragement, their envy; it would make me feel utterly ashamed.
“Of course, she’s my best friend—Luvian!” Alice added playfully.
Luvian, that’s the name my father gave me. It’s because of it that I have this identity, classmates, friends, and everything I have now. But does it truly belong to me? I don’t know. I think I might not find the answer even in a thousand years.
“Look at you, acting like Luvian is yours.” Felix had somehow appeared behind me and said. A chill ran down my spine, like a valiant general standing in the middle of a battlefield littered with corpses, suddenly being unexpectedly patted on the back—that was undoubtedly terrifying.
“What’s wrong? Did I scare you?” Felix asked with concern, seeing my dazed expression.
"It's nothing." It's a phrase I often say; my classmates say it's my catchphrase. Maybe so, I'm not entirely sure. I seem to say these two words frequently over the years. Maybe saying them is easy, maybe I can't find anything else to say. Sometimes I worry that one day I might even forget how to speak, just as people often say, "Time can make you forget everything."
- Writer
