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1044 Words
"Why are you spacing out again! You seem to be spacing out a lot lately, is something on your mind?" Alice caught me red-handed again.
"Alice's right, I think you're troubled too." Felix then secretly leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"It's nothing." I said those two words again.
"What do you mean 'nothing'? You should say yes or no!" Felix looked at me in surprise.
"Okay then, no, I don't have a boyfriend." I answered quite loudly.
"Keep your voice down, the teacher's still here!" Felix awkwardly tried to cover my mouth, her eyes darting around. Looking into those eyes, I knew they could speak, because they kept saying, "Where's the teacher? Where's the teacher?"
"It's alright, just pretend I'm not here." Teacher Yang walked up behind her.
"Teacher, how could you not be here! You're still so young!" Felix, feeling awkward, quickly joked.
"You're so quick-witted! No wonder your nickname is Felix!" Teacher Yang joked back.
"As a teacher, you just give your students nicknames like that, do you think you're being fair to them?" Felix asked with a grin.
"That's not what I said. You should ask your classmates!" With that, Teacher Yang left, leaving us to our own devices.
"Since you don't have a boyfriend, what could be bothering you?" Felix turned around and asked.
"You're the ones who say I'm bothered," I replied.
"Don't you have any?" Felix actually countered.
"No," I answered firmly.
"Fine, forget it. Let's just pretend we made a mistake, okay?" Felix sighed irritably.
Unable to find anything interesting to talk about, everyone stopped talking and went about their own business. Some played badminton, some played shuttlecock, and some just sat in a circle chatting.
Meanwhile, I continued to sit there, lost in thought.
We spent our lunch break in the library like this. I picked up a book I couldn't understand at all, and I could only sit there, waiting for Alice to call me to leave, waiting for class to start.
In the afternoon, we had PE. I didn't really like PE, even though I'm athletically gifted. Maybe it's because whenever I was at the front of the line, I couldn't help but wonder if some mysterious force was at play, allowing me to run faster than everyone else. If so, then I was a cheater. If not, then there was no way to test it. Because in this world, I've been a cheater since birth, a cheater who avoids everything, a shameful cheater. Thankfully, the finish line was just around the corner, and I didn't need to dwell on this painful thought anymore. But the result was still that I came in first place again.
Alice's cheers, the teacher's approving gaze, and the envious praise from the crowd all blended into a painful ache in my ears, making me feel suffocated. I wanted to escape, but I was also afraid to escape. I was afraid that escaping too much would become a habit, and as the saying goes, habit becomes second nature. What would I do then? How would I face others? How would I face myself? How would I continue living my life?
I slowly walked to Alice's side. She excitedly rushed towards me, hugging me and laughing loudly, "Great! You won again! Let's go to KFC to celebrate!" Her joy was so intense, as if I were her greatest pride. But I couldn't feel happy at all; I just nodded slightly. Perhaps I had long forgotten what happiness was, how to express it.
"You must do your best at the sports meet next Monday! You are the biggest hope of my class," said Mr. Yang, the PE teacher, patting my shoulder.
"I will," Kyle replied.
"If it were you, there wouldn't be any problem," Sun Ao ran over to encourage me. But none of them knew, none of them knew I was a cheater. I didn't deserve their encouragement, their envy; it would make me feel utterly ashamed.
"Of course! She's my good friend—Luvian!" Alice added playfully.
Luvian—that's the name my father gave me. It's because of it that I have this identity, classmates, friends, everything I have now. But does it truly belong to me? I don't know. I think I might not find the answer even in a thousand years.
"Look at you, acting like Luvian is yours." Felix had somehow appeared behind me and said. A chill ran down my spine, like a victorious general standing in the middle of a battlefield littered with corpses, suddenly being unexpectedly patted on the back—it was undoubtedly terrifying.
"What's wrong? Did I scare you?" Felix asked with concern, seeing my dazed expression.
"It's nothing." It's a phrase I often say; my classmates say it's my catchphrase. Maybe so, I'm not entirely sure. I seem to say these two words frequently over the years. Maybe saying them is easy, maybe I can't find anything else to say. Sometimes I worry that one day I might even forget how to speak, just as people often say, "Time can make you forget everything."
"Why are you spacing out again! You seem to be spacing out a lot lately, is something on your mind?" Alice caught me red-handed again.
"Alice's right, I think you're troubled too." Felix then secretly leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"It's nothing." I said those two words again.
"What do you mean 'nothing'? You should say yes or no!" Felix looked at me in surprise.
"Okay then, no, I don't have a boyfriend." I answered quite loudly.
"Keep your voice down, the teacher's still here!" Felix awkwardly tried to cover my mouth, her eyes darting around. Looking into those eyes, I knew they could speak, because they kept saying, "Where's the teacher? Where's the teacher?"
"It's alright, just pretend I'm not here." Teacher Yang walked up behind her.
"Teacher, how could you not be here! You're still so young!" Felix, feeling awkward, quickly joked.
"You're so quick-witted! No wonder your nickname is Felix!" Teacher Yang joked back.
"As a teacher, you just give your students nicknames like that, do you think you're being fair to them?" Felix asked with a grin.
- Writer
