Breaking The Cycle

Chapter 17

Sarah's POV

*Present Day*

    After Monday night, this entire week has flown by faster than any other. Austin and I decided that next week we will work on moving the kids and I over, he just wants to have time to get the rooms put together just right for them. The kids are beyond excited, but I'm not sure for which part of the move; the part where they get to live with Austin, or the part where they get their own rooms. Either way, I'm happy to see my babies happy and that is what matters to me. Slowly, things like they are coming together in my life and I'm so thankful for that. Only thing bothering me right now is that I still have not heard back on the divorce papers. My lawyer said it wouldn't take more than a few days after Mark was served, but it's been a couple weeks now and nothing has been said. I've tried calling the office a few times, but all I'm told is that there is no update. That coupled with frequent nightmares of Mark has me all on edge and I am constantly watching over my shoulder. I hope things get better once the kids and I are living with Austin, because the stress is starting to get to me and it's getting harder to hide it all from everyone.

    With today being Friday, Austin will be working late and surprisingly I am off, so I decide to take him lunch to the store. I leave the kids at home with John and go by the little chicken place that Austin loves and pick up a bunch of his favorites before heading over to the hardware store. Walking in, I don't see him anywhere, so I ask the girl at the front desk if she knows where he is and she says she thinks she saw him go to his office, so I head back that way. Getting through the back area of the store to the office, I see the door slightly open and hear voices come from inside. I assume he is with a vendor or customer, so I don't want to go in and bother them, but when I hear a women's voice, my curiosity gets the better of me and I peak through the cracked door. Sitting on his desk in a dress that is too tight and way too damn short is Cynthia, his dumb ass ex. Anger builds inside me and I try to calm myself with reason. Obviously she barged in here and forced herself into Austin's space, because he would never hurt me, right?

    All reason vanishes when I see his hand land on her thigh as he lays back in his chair laughing at something she said. Her hands fall on his chest and her fingers run down the buttons on the front of his shirt, threatening to pop them open. I fight the urge to burst in there and knock the s**t out of both of them and instead hold my head high and walk in as calmly as I can.

    "Good afternoon Austin. Cynthia." Austin sits up quickly in his chair pulling his hands into his lap and pushing the witch away from him. "I just wanted to stop by and bring you something to eat since you're so busy today and won't have time to leave." I set the bag of food down on the desk and turn to walk out before the sound of Austin's voice stops me in my tracks.

    "Sarah, wait! Please let me explain. This is not what it looks like." Austin stands from behind his desk and begins to walk my direction.

    "There is nothing to explain, Austin. I know what I saw and that's it. Go on about your meeting and enjoy your lunch." I fight back the tears building in my eyes, refusing to fall apart.

    "Please, Sarah. I promise nothing is going on. Please let me explain." he begs as he moves closer to me.

    "Just let her go Austin baby. She isn't woman enough for you anyway. You've got me right here to please you." Cynthia chimes in.

    "Shut the hell up Cynthia. I do not want you!" Austin screams at her before turning back to me. "Angel, please. I love you." he reaches out and grabs my arm.

    "Let me go now Austin." I demand yanking my arm from his grip. "This conversation is over. Save your lies for someone who wants to hear them." I turn and storm from the office, slamming the door behind me as I go. Practically running out of the store, I get into my car and start it up, speeding out of the parking lot. Tears are now pouring from my eyes and I can't hold back the sobs any longer. I know I can't go home like this, so I head over to the city park and pull under a little shade tree cutting my car off and letting my heart break take over. In the seat beside me, my phone is blowing up with calls and texts from Austin, but I ignore them all. 

    What is wrong with me? Why am I never enough? Am I just that undesirable or am I only good for a quick f**k and then it's on to the next b***h? First my dad only wanted to assault me, then Mark, and what? Is Austin going to be the same way? Was he only showing me how wonderful and perfect he can be to get what he wants and then he is going to beat me too? I reach up, running my fingers over my arm where he grabbed me.

    Deep, and I mean DEEP, in my heart I know Austin didn't mean to physically hurt me and I know I should have hung around and heard him out like a mature adult, but for what? Just to hurt more? What did I ever do to deserve this hand in life?

    Suddenly, out of no where, rain begins to pelt on the my windshield and I study the drops as they hit, letting my tears flow freely and my mind wander. I can hear my phone still buzzing continuously and I finally give in and pick it up. Between a million calls and texts from Austin, I see a few missed calls from Abby. Attempting to pull myself together, I call her back.

    "Sarah? Sarah where are you?" she says, panic in her voice.

    "Why does it matter, Abby? You're just gonna run back and tell that jack ass where to find me and I don't want anything to do with him."

    "No I'm not, Sarah. I just want to make sure you are okay. Yes, Austin called me looking for you and told me what happened, but I would never go against my own sister." I sit on the line deciding if I want to believe her or not.

    "I'm at the park and I will be home soon." I finally answer, taking a deep breath to keep myself calm. I don't wait for her to reply before I hang the phone up and throw back in the seat next to me. I start my car back up and slowly pull out from the park and head towards my house. Coming through town, I speed when I have to pass by the hardware store, but I notice that Austin's truck isn't out front anymore. I glance over at my phone and see his face still lighting up my screen. The rain is still pouring as I fly down the road and finally get home, but the tears have started again and I don't want to go in for the kids to see. I grab my phone and send  a quick text to Abby.

Sarah: I'm home, but I'm going to stay out here a little longer. Lizzi and Cameron don't need to see me like this. 

Abby: They aren't here. Mom and I had a feeling you would be a mess when you got here, so she took them out for dinner and ice cream with a friend of hers. I'm in here if you need me. 

Sarah: Thanks. I'm okay, just need to pull my s**t together and get over it. I'll come inside in a few minutes. 

    I shove my phone in my back pocket as I step out of my car and walk to the porch and sit on the stairs, letting the rain soak me. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me that i'm seen as such an easy target for assholes. I can feel my heart breaking in my chest the longer I sit here and see Austin and that b***h in my head. With Mark, it hurt when he changed, but it was almost like I was expecting it; it was what I was used to. With Austin, I never saw this coming; I really believed he was different and I hate admitting it, but I don't just love him, I'm IN love with him and that is what makes all this worse. My sobs take over again as I sit here with my head in my hands and my knees pulled to my chest, my heart literally aching. In the distance I hear a low roar, but can't tell if it's thunder or a vehicle. My unspoken question is quickly answered when I see Austin's truck pull into the driveway. Cutting the engine, he jumps out and runs over to me just as I am standing up and turning to go inside.

    "Sarah, angel, please wait!" he calls as he comes up to the porch.

    "No, Austin! Don't touch me, don't talk to me, just forget I ever existed! Shouldn't be too hard for you since I was the last thing on your mind earlier!" I turn and scream at him, rain pelting his face as he looks up at me. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot like he has been crying and the pain on his face is breaking my heart. Why am I hurting for him? He's the one that f****d up, not me. "Just leave Austin. I can't do this anymore. I thought you were different. I believed all your words and promises. I f*****g fell in love with you all for you to be just like every other jerk I've ever known." my tears flowing down my cheeks as I let everything out. "You know everything Austin. The abuse I suffered as a child, the heartbreak I felt for so many years, the sham of a marriage I was locked in for years and at this point, still f*****g locked in. You knew about it all, every single detail and you had the balls to look me in my eyes and promise you would never do to me what they did, but here we are. I gave you my world, my heart and now it's all shattered to pieces. And to make it worse, it's not just me you are hurting, Austin. Do you realize that at some point I have to look Lizzi and Cameron in the face and tell them that you aren't going to be around anymore? They love you Austin and they have been through more pain in their short lives than any child should and you were finally a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us and now I have to rip that from them. I'm grown and can handle myself, but what about them, Austin? Huh?"

    "I'm so sorry Sarah.. I meant every word of everything I have ever told you and I love you more than life. I never wanted to hurt you, but I promise nothing happened between Cynthia and I. It's all just a huge misunderstanding." he pleads with me.

    "What the hell is there to misunderstand about her half naked ass on your desk and your f*****g hands on her while you laugh at whatever dumb ass thing came out of her mouth?! Explain that, Austin! I know what I saw!" I turn and open the front door and storm into the house, Austin following behind me shutting the door.

    "I know, Sarah. I f****d up. She is the daughter of one of my biggest customers and after seeing us on our date that night, she has been trying to convince her dad to let us go. I had finally come to a deal with her dad when I took everything over and I guess she didn't like it, so she took her share of his company and pulled it from our system and it was killing us overnight. I called them both in for a meeting today and she showed up alone and told me if I gave her what she wanted she would bring her part back in. I thought that if I played her little game long enough for her to sign a contract locking her in, I could cut everything off before it went anywhere. I promise what you saw was harmless and forced flirting to save my company. I was never going to do anything with her. I don't want her, I want you Sarah and I know this is the worst reason ever for ruining our relationship, but I didn't know what else to do. My dad barely signed over the store to me Monday and in less than a week I had already run us into a hole and I needed to fix it quick. I shouldn't have been so stupid, I should have demanded we wait till her dad could be at the meeting or called someone to sit in, but I didn't." he crumbles into a mess of a man on the couch, dropping his head in his hands. "I f****d up the only good thing in my life and I understand if you never forgive me and you want nothing more to do with me. I had to explain myself though. I can't live with myself knowing I broke the heart of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and I needed to tell you the truth of everything that happened. Sarah, I'm sorry, for everything." his tears soaking his face as he looks up at me standing in front of him.

    "That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard, so lame that I believe it because who would be stupid enough to make that up.." I scoff. "You're not forgiven and you have lost all my trust and I really don't want to even look at you right now. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and even though every fiber in my being is screaming at me to slap the s**t out of you and be done for good, I am going to give you one, but that's it. If you f**k up again, that's it. I'm tired of being played and used and then thrown away and I won't do it anymore. You have a lot of work ahead of you before I'll ever even be okay again. If you want this second chance then say so, but if you are just going to keep being stupid and f*****g up, then there's the door, leave and never come back."

    "Yes, Sarah, yes! I'll take this second chance and I will prove my love and devotion to you and Lizzi and Cameron. I need y'all more than anything and I will do whatever is takes for as long as it takes to fix this and earn your trust back. I love you Sarah." he jumps from the couch coming to me and takes my hand in his kissing the back of it softly.

    "Okay then. Right now, I need time alone." I pull my hand from his. "You can come back Sunday only because you promised Lizzi and Cameron a movie and ice cream day and I refuse to have their worlds disturbed anymore then they already have been."

    "I will go then and see y'all Sunday. I love you, Sarah. I promise you that my heart is yours." he turns and walks slowly from the house. I listen as his truck starts up and leaves and then I see Abby walk into the room studying my face.

    "I know you heard everything. Go ahead and tell me I'm stupid." I say slipping my wet shoes off at the door.

    "Not stupid, just in love and that's okay. I believe what he said, Sarah. Austin really does love you, he just doesn't know how to use his brain and that's not his fault really, it's a man thing; it's in their blood." Abby jokes as she comes over to me and gives me a hug. "Now go change out of these wet clothes and I'll order us some pizza." she steps away from me going back to her room to get her phone. I turn and go to my own room to shower the day away and put on some dry clothes, ready to stuff my face and watch stupid movies to distract me from everything that has happened.

Austin's POV

*Present Day*

    Pulling away form Sarah's house, I break down all over again. I know she said she would give me a second chance, but why the hell was I stupid enough to f**k it all up in the first place. I beat myself up the whole way to my house and go straight in throwing my stuff on the couch and head to my room. I strip out of my wet clothes and lay in bed, letting my misery take over. How could I be so stupid? I've had feelings for Sarah for as long as I can remember and I've waited what feels like forever to have her in my life and when I thought I never could, I tried a hundred times to replace her and failed. No other woman in this world can do to me what she does and I'm so worried about letting my dad down, that I went and f****d up bigger than ever and almost lost her for good. I don't know what I'm going to do to fix this, but I do know I will do whatever it takes. Images of Sarah's face today in the office keep flashing through my head and the pain she tried so hard to hide from me breaks my heart because I know it's my fault she felt that pain. She has spent her whole life hurting and I promised to never let her hurt again, but I broke that promise and I shattered her. The pain and heartache on her face this evening will haunt me as long as I live, but it's the drive I need to fix my mistake and be a better man for her and for Lizzi and Cameron.

    After an hour or so of just laying in bed, I decide to get up and go to the kitchen for food. I have no real appetite, but I know I need to put something in my stomach because I'm starting to feel really sick. Shoving a frozen pizza in the microwave, no energy enough to really cook it in the oven, I turn and walk to the living room and grab my phone from the couch where I threw everything when I came in. I'm hoping to see something from Sarah, but I know I won't be hearing from her for soon and I respect that she needs time. I swipe the screen, unlocking it, and see a few missed calls and texts from Cynthia. Groaning, I lay my phone down on the counter as I walk back into the kitchen just as the microwave dings. I pull my pizza out and set the plate down on the counter next to my phone and go grab a water from the fridge. Sitting down in one of the bar stools at the counter, I take a bite of the pizza, burning my mouth and then pick my phone up, opening the messages from Cynthia and scrolling through all her messages before replying.

Cynthia: Hey baby.. Why did you leave me here? Hello? So you're just going to ignore me now? Is your little charity case more important than me? More important than your store? You know I have the power to shut you down completely and yet you still ignore me.. Austin Anderson! I know you want me baby.. You've never been able to resist me.. Answer me damn it! The b***h turned you down, so give up chasing her.. She isn't worth your time, not when you have me baby.. 

Austin: Cynthia, stop now. I don't want you now or ever. What we had was a simple fling, no strings attached and it was 2 years ago! Today was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret ever trying to make a deal with you. You can pull your sales from the company and I will survive. I still have your dad and so many other faithful customers that we keep me open for years to come. I will not let you ruin my relationship anymore than you already have and I will not stoop to your level. And do NOT call my Sarah a charity case or a b***h! She is more of a woman than you will ever be and I will spend everyday of my life fighting for her. You on the other hand, need to grow up and move on and stay out of my life. Goodbye Cynthia.

   After the message sends, I block her number and lock my screen setting my phone back down and finish eating my pizza. I set my empty plate in the sink and grab my phone as I head back to my room. I take a quick shower and lay back in bed, just staring at the ceiling thinking about everything. I know I need to give Sarah her space and all the time she needs, but I just can't go to sleep without telling her I love her, so I pick my phone back up and open her message thread.

Austin: I know you still need time, I just wanted to apologize again and let you know that I cut Cynthia out completely from the company, my life, everything. I want to make things right between you and I and I will do whatever it takes. Goodnight angel, I love you with all that I am.

Sarah: Thank you. Goodnight Austin.

    I'm surprised she replied to me and so fast too, but I can feel the pain her words. Four simple words and I can feel how much I have hurt her. I lay my phone down on the side table and roll over, pulling a pillow to my chest and crying at the pain I've caused her as I let my exhaustion take over. I just want today to be over and wake up and it all be a dream, but I know that is not the case, so I just pray that it won't hurt as bad in the morning.