Poor Me

Chapter 4

Dylan

Dear Dylan.

Before I continue to say what I want to say I want to tell you how much I love you. You are my pride and joy and you've always known what you wanted in life and you went after it. Even after love betrayed you, you gave it a chance again. I admire you for that because it's something I wasn't able to do. When I lost your father I gave up on love because I thought that's what God wanted for me. I thought that's what you're father would have wanted. But after all these years I know he would have wanted me to move on.

I'm going to see him Dylan after 16 years.

I still feel a stab of pain at her words even as I read the letter for the hundredth time. She was alone and I wasn't there for her. She had to overdose pills and die alone for me to realize how much she wanted someone to be there for her. Even after a whole month it still feels like it was yesterday. The emotions are still raw and the hurt as painful as ever.

I'm telling you this because I want you to continue to move on. Keep pushing and give life a chance. Don't give up yet because you're still young.

I know you think I went about this the wrong way but I couldn't let you look at the person who took the lives of your kids. Though It was a mistake I should have done more to save them. I should have protected them like I promised you I would. I feel responsible so I will do the right thing.

Went about this the wrong way? Well that's an understatement of the century. At her funeral I cried so much I passed out. I don't know how I got back home but I know I was surprised at myself. I've always thought people who faith are just being dramatic but I learnt that sometimes it's hurt so much your lungs can't take any air in.

You suffocate.

The pain suffocates you, until you can't breathe. It's like your heart doesn't beat anymore and you just welcome the escape. Only it lasts for a short time, after a few hours you have to be back to reality and reality sucks.

it should have been me who lost her life not them. I couldn't live with myself honey and I hope you know it has nothing to do with you. I don't want you beating yourself up for what I'm going to do to myself.

I am beating myself up for it though. I should have assured her that it's not her fault. Not talking to her even once when I lost my kids makes it seem like I thought she was responsible for it which is not true. If anything I blame myself. And as much as I'd like to have someone else to blame I don't have anyone. The car went out of control and mom tried to stop it but it was no use.

Please take care of my little boy Cruse. Look after him a little more, he will find his feet too. Please honor your mother's dying wish. Tell Tommy to take care of you too.

Of course she is concerned about her golden child. She didn't even stay for him. I wonder when will Cruse 'find his feet'. He doesn't care about the important things or about taking responsibility. He's just a big baby who doesn't want to work a day in his life.

I know you're thinking I'm a bad mother but you have to understand that some kids need a little more taking care of that others. You and Tommy were able to shine and thrive while Cruse couldn't, I had to be there for him hunny. When you finally forgive me and create your family again you'll see what I'm talking about.

I don't care what she says I'll love all my kids the same. I will not be lenient to others and be hard on the other ones.

That's if I'll ever be able to have them again.

When Tate suggested we get pregnant again I just refused because it feels as if trying to replace Kalen and Orson which I'd never dream of doing. I don't want anyone else. I just want them.l I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and continue to read.

I hate that I have to leave you in this situation but I had to baby. I couldn't look at you in the eye and live like nothing happened. I heard from Tate that you were still in your bed the whole day everyday. I hope that you are able to get out now that justice is served.

I wish you well on your wedding day. Please try to find happiness again sweetie that's all I want.

I love you baby.

Mom

First time I read this latter the only thing I was thinking was that my mother is a selfish person. Chosing to take the easy way out.

But now I wonder if she was the smartest of us all. If she chose the best way out. I wonder if I were to do it would I feel better. Will I be able to fill the void that is inside me.

Will I....

"Babe, you're crying again" Tates voice jolts me from my thoughts.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't know someone who lost 3 family members shouldn't cry. Two of them being her kids"

"I'm sorry" she sighs coming closer to hug me "I think we should talk to someone" she says patiently not minding that I'm being rude.

"A shrink? Thank you but I'll be fine. I don't want someone picking apart my brain" I say pulling away from her embrace.

"It's been 3 months Dylan. Look at you, you don't eat, you don't sleep and you've even lost weight"

"Oh just because I can't get over the fact that I lost people I love like you did" I fold the latter and place beside me. "Why are you bothered by me anyway"

"Because I love you. You're going to be my wife and I want you to be better, to heal"

"Like you've healed?"I ask rudely because for some reason I envy her. I wish I didn't cry as much. I wish I was able to just move on, go back to work like she did. I wish I was strong enough to spend atleast a few hours without wondering what they'd be doing. What they'd be wearing. Or how big they would be.

How does she do it.

How do I do it.

"No I haven't. I don't think I will ever forget the day your brother told me my kids were...gone Dylan. They were little but I think they'd want us to move on don't you" she says in a soft voice.

"No I don't think so"

"Please talk to the therapist. Please babe just check it out" she pushes some hair out of my face and when I stare deep in her beautiful grey eyes I remember why I wanted to marry this woman in the first place. Why even after all that has happened I still dream about our future together.

"okay, send me the details"

She smiles kissing my forehead."Thank you for this love. We will be fine okay. We'll survive"

She hugs me tighter but this time I don't pull away.

I don't cry.

I just hug my soon to be wife back.