Will You Be Sorry When I'm Gone?

Chapter 19

Present

While my family was discussing my mother-in-law’s treatment of her daughter-in-law, and coming to terms with some pretty painful truths about themselves, volunteers were walking along the dried streambed just past where my car had ended up. There were dogs involved in the search now. No one had mentioned to the family that they were cadaver dogs, looking for a body, and not search and rescue dogs looking for an injured person.

There were some search and rescue dogs as well, because no one had given up hope completely. But the police were being less optimistic than my family was. And with good reason. They’d been through these types of cases before. Three weeks with no sign of me anywhere, the realization that there had been blood on the broken glass of my sunroof, and knowing there was no way I hadn’t sustained some majorly serious injuries from the crushed state of the car, the police didn’t believe they were looking for a living person any longer.

They had started the search this morning four miles past the exit where my car had gone off the road. They were moving slowly, checking in the brush, looking for any sign that someone might have been through the area. People from the nearby neighbourhoods walked their dogs down in that little valley sometimes. And there were coyotes and other creatures that lived in the forested areas, who came out to feed on whatever was available. Police didn’t know whether, if they found my body, what state it would be in three weeks later.

The animals in the area, who had been frightened off by the fire and then the humans that had been investigating after the fire had been put out, were starting to make their way back to see what they could forage. They were wary of the humans making their slow way along the highway, but they still were able to find what they were looking for, while they were keeping their eyes and attention towards the humans moving in their direction.

A coyote found something enticing and had dragged the whole lot over to a shadier spot where it gnawed on a bone it had found. It licked the soot off of it and chewed, trying to get to the marrow inside, and also because it felt calmer chewing on a bone in the shade of a tall tree surrounded by some smaller brush. No one and nothing was currently around to disturb its rest and snack.

As evening fell, the humans were getting closer, but the coyote had been watching them from its den over the past few days as the humans moved at a snail’s pace through the brush. It knew that shortly, the humans would place their markers and call off the search for the night. Its treat would be safe for another day.

“Over here!” a voice called out. “I think I found something!”

Everybody in the search line stopped as the message was sent up and down the line. No one moved a muscle, not knowing what had been found, and not wanting to disturb anything further ahead until the line was cleared.

Seline, who had been helping every day for the past week, who had joined the volunteers searching the brush, looked up and towards the voice. Both fear and curiosity flashed across her features. She wiped the sweat from her brow and pulled the baseball cap she was wearing down a little lower.

The volunteers and search and rescue stood still as the police and search and rescue captains went to the volunteer who had stopped the line. Seline watched as they huddled around, about a hundred feet or so away from her own position.

Seline saw a flash of something in the hands of the volunteer who had called out. She couldn’t tell what it was, but they were all talking somewhat excitedly. Seline wanted to go over and see what it was they were so up in arms about, but the volunteers had all been trained and it had been emphasized that, if someone finds something, no one moves. Everyone was to stand exactly where they had stopped.

Instructions started making their way up and down the line. Mark your spot with your flag, look five feet in every direction of your flag. Once the volunteers were done looking in their designated area, they were to leave their flags and return to the staging area where they had met that morning. Volunteers murmured to each other wondering what had been found. Seline listened intently, trying to hear anything she could. She knew she could never win Matthew’s heart. She knew his heart belonged to Amelia, and she couldn’t change that. No matter how much she had tried over the last 25 years, she had always known in the back of her mind that Matthew would never leave his wife for her.

It had been something she had refused to admit for most of the past 25 years. Even when she had married Gerald, had Daryl and then divorced, she had known that her heart belonged to Matthew, but his heart belonged to Amelia.

And though she had been jealous of Amelia’s relationship with Matthew, and she had done everything she could to sabotage it, planting a bra in their downtown apartment, flying to Paris when Matthew had a business meeting there, stalking them to Switzerland, New York, and Colorado, trying to insert herself where his wife should be, Matthew never strayed from his wife.

She had no reason not to like Amelia, which was kind of the reason why she didn’t like Amelia. She was just so damned likable! She didn’t make a fuss when things didn’t go exactly to plan. She just went with the flow, changed things that needed to be changed, rolled with the punches and never looked stressed.

When Seline would show up to the Davenport’s for dinner on Friday nights, inserting herself into the seat that should be reserved for Matthew’s wife - and with Rachel Davenport’s silent blessing - Amelia never made a stink. She never spoke out, she never yelled at either Seline or Rachel. She just waited quietly for Rachel to correct her ‘mistake’ in ‘forgetting’ that Amelia was coming to dinner. If she felt any animosity towards either of them, Amelia never showed it. She acted with grace every time. It was something else Seline both loathed and admired about Amelia. She took nothing for granted and was always a lady. She treated Seline with distant familiarity. Never getting, or even trying to get close to her, but never making a scene or kicking her out of her home when Seline would turn up.

Seline had been thinking and reflecting over the past week as she had joined in the search efforts for Matthew’s wife, that she had probably wasted what could have been a good friendship, if she had allowed herself to get rid of the jealousy she had for Amelia, and the hurt she had that she, Seline, was not the woman Matthew wanted to spend his life with.

Helping with the search was the only thing she felt like she could do to make it up to Matthew, Amelia and the kids. Whether she was the one to find something significant or not, being part of the volunteer teams slogging through dry brush in the summer heat, Seline felt she owed it to Amelia, she owed it to Matthew and she owed it to the twins to do something for Amelia for once. Something that could matter. It was, in her mind, her way to apologize for how she’d been treating Amelia.

Seline had never wanted anything like this to happen. As much as she had once hoped that maybe one day she could have driven Amelia away, that she could have won Matthew’s heart somehow, that she could pick up where they left off in high school, even though Matthew had broken up with her before graduation, she never wanted something to happen to his family that was so painful.

Seline walked what she thought was about five feet forward from her flag, using the long stick - a broomhandle basically - to push aside the dry brush. She walked in a circle around her flag, like the rest of the volunteers were doing. When she had completed that, with nothing out of the ordinary to show for it, she gathered with the other volunteers and they walked back to the staging area where they had met earlier in the day.

People were murmuring to each other still, asking if they knew what had been found. Was it anything of significance? Was it something that belonged to Amelia? A clue as to where she might be? To where she might have gone?

Someone said they thought that it was a cell phone that had been found. Heavily damaged, cracked. Someone else said they thought they heard it looked like it had been burned. People wondered if it could be Amelia’s phone, being that they were still a good four or five miles from the site of the crash. Seline wondered, if it was Amelia’s phone, how would it have gotten all the way down here? Had Amelia wandered this far and just dropped the phone? And if it was burned, does that mean Amelia was still near the car when the brush fire started?

Then she wondered, if Amelia had survived the crash, and somehow survived the fire, was she even still alive? And if so, where was she?

Seline turned in her equipment - her hi-vis vest and stick - signed out for the day and waited for information and instructions for the next day.

She saw the volunteer who had stopped the line talking with the police and the search and rescue teams, but she couldn’t hear what they were saying, and she wasn’t about to butt in. If there was anything to impart to the volunteers, the police or other leaders would tell them.

The entire team of volunteers who had come out today were waiting around for their instructions for the following day. Every day everyone worried the search would be called off. Every day everyone hoped the search would be called off because Amelia had been found safe, even if she was injured. Even Seline knew Matthew would now do whatever it took to bring his wife back to health. He’d get the best doctors and make sure she had the best care. Amelia was going to be pampered by everyone when she was found, and Seline found that she couldn’t find an ounce of jealousy. In fact, she would expect that when Amelia was found, that the family would likely rally around her and make sure she no longer felt left out, abandoned or unloved. She smiled thinking about how much Amelia would finally feel appreciated.

Seline stood in a group of about ten people, none of whom she knew, but who were all here because someone in their neighbourhood needed help, and all they wanted was to assist. She recognized a few people who had come out to help from parties at the Davenports’ home. They were the parents of friends of Amelia and Matthew’s children. Women and men who had entertained the Davenports, and who had been entertained by the Davenports. She wondered, if something like this had happened to her, would there be this many people out helping to look for her? Would the Davenports - any of them - participate in a search for Seline if she had gone missing?

She didn’t think so, and it made her realize just how much time she had wasted trying to force a dream on both herself and Matthew, instead of embracing the woman he loved and learning to let go of childhood dreams.

The search and rescue supervisors, the volunteer who had stopped the line and the police broke up their little meeting and the police stepped forward and thanked the volunteers for their help and gave instructions for the following day.

“Unless you hear differently, we’ll start again at nine in the morning. We’ll meet here and we’ll start back where we left the flags today. Thank you everyone, for your help today. I know Matthew and his family appreciate the time and effort you’re all putting in. Hopefully we’ll have some good news and find Amelia so we can help her get back to her family,” the supervisor said.

Seline said goodbye to the people she had been working with today, got into her car and drove home. She was tempted to go to Matthew’s house and tell them that they might have found a cell phone, but she didn’t want to interfere any more than she already had. And she didn’t know for certain that what had stopped the search today was a cell phone at all, let alone being sure it was Amelia’s. She would wait to see if they learned anything about what had been found when the time came.