Will You Be Sorry When I'm Gone?

Chapter 12

Before

“Alexander Davenport,” the emcee called out. “Honors.”

Matthew and I both clapped hard for our son as he crossed the stage to accept his high school diploma. Matthew took photos with his phone and beamed proudly.

“Anna Davenport,” the emcee called out again. “Honors.”

Again, Matthew and I gushed over our children, clapping and taking photos. Anna shot us a huge smile as she crossed the stage.

An hour later, we were standing outside the auditorium waiting for our children to come out from the graduation ceremony to the reception in the courtyard. It was a beautiful June day. The sun was shining, the sky was a deep, clear blue and the breeze coming up from the ocean was just cool enough to keep the heat of the day at a tolerable temperature.

Friends we’d made while our children had attended Masterson came up to us to congratulate us, and we congratulated them on the achievements of their children.

Finally, after what felt like an unreasonable amount of time, the graduates were released from the auditorium and streamed out into the courtyard, still donning their emerald green graduation robes and caps.

At the count of three, loudly cried over the mingling parents, and led by none other than my son, the graduates threw their caps into the air and cheered their achievements, which had culminated in this ceremony, celebrating them. I smiled as we parents and siblings of the graduates clapped for our children.

Anna came running over with Alex close behind her.

“Hi Dad, hi Mom,” she beamed.

“Hello sweetheart,” I said, embracing her. “Congratulations again.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Anna smiled.

“Alex, congratulations,” I smiled at my son.

“Thanks,” he said simply to me. He didn’t come close enough to let me give him a hug.

We mingled with the parents and the graduates in the courtyard for a while. The kids kept running off to find friends, compare summer plans, see who was going to be around and who would be away for the summer.

We had a graduation party planned for Alex and Anna and their classmates at the house this evening. Most of the class was expected to attend. Matthew had hired a DJ and a caterer, we’d rented tables and table linens. Even Mrs. Watkins was getting the night off. Matthew had hired wait staff and serving staff. We’d put together a menu that we felt everyone would enjoy.

The catering company and the rental company were already at the house setting up in the backyard. The DJ was expected at four to set his equipment up, and the party was called for six.

I smiled as Matthew held court with some of the other fathers. They talked about their sons, their achievements and their future plans.

“Alex is heading to Yale in the fall, and Anna is going to Brown,” Matthew said proudly.

“Quite the achievement for them both,” one of the fathers said. “Amelia, you must be proud.”

“Of course I am,” I smiled. “Both of the kids have worked so hard for this. I couldn’t be prouder.”

A few of the mothers came over just then and got my attention. We discussed the plans for the evening, gushed over our children' s achievements, congratulated each other on parenting these kids through to high school graduation, and talked about the summer plans and where they would all be going off to in the fall. I felt myself relax in their company.

“Amelia, are you going to go back to work, now that the kids are heading off to college?” Trina, the mother of the twins’ friend Katerina asked.

“I haven’t decided yet, to be honest. I’ve been out of the legal world for so long, I don’t know if it would welcome me back,” I laughed.

“You’ve been keeping up your license, haven’t you?” Trina asked.

“I have, and I’ve kept up my CE credits, my continuing education,” I explained for Paula, one of the other mothers, who looked at me questioningly when I used the term for my credits. “But after so long out of the workforce, I don’t know if I have the intestinal fortitude to go back.”

The women laughed.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a ‘lady who lunches’,” Sophia, another mother of one of the twins’ friends said, smiling. “After 18 years with these hooligans, we deserve the time to ourselves, time to enjoy our own lives.”

The other mothers murmured in agreement.

“Plenty of time now to do some travelling,” Trina said. “Arnie and I are going to go to Italy when Katerina goes to Harvard in the fall.”

“That’s so nice,” another mother said.

“We have a villa in Tuscany, so I think we’ll stay there until Thanksgiving and then fly back and have Thanksgiving with Katerina in Boston.”

The other mothers continued talking about travel plans and summer plans, and how we would fill our days when our children were literally across the country at their various universities.

“Sorry to interrupt, ladies,” Matthew said, coming up to us and grasping my elbow gently. “I have to steal my wife from you all. We’ve got a bunch of people coming over later, and should probably go make sure everything is getting set up.”

“Amelia, we’ll see you later tonight?” Sophia said.

“Of course. Looking forward,” I smiled as Matthew led me away.

“We’ll just wait for the kids, and head home, sound good?” he said to me.

“That sounds fine,” I said, dismissively. I took a step away from Matthew.

“Don’t be like that,” he said. “I said I was sorry.”

“I heard you,” I said, simply.

On Monday I had gone to the apartment in the city to clean and had come across a piece of lingerie that I was sure was not mine. I didn’t wear small red and black lace bras. I’d had and breastfed two children for fourteen months. The girls did not fit in something so skimpy.

And besides, I hadn’t spent a night in the apartment in probably three years.

I had known exactly who the item belonged to by the stink of the synthetic roses. I hadn’t said anything to Matthew when I spoke to him later that day. I had simply left the bra on his pillow in the apartment, knowing before the weekend, he was likely to spend a night or two there. He could return the clothing item to Seline when they met up sometime during the week. Or she could pick it up herself. It was obvious she was the one who had left it, and that he had been there with her.

Matthew tried to pretend what was going on wasn’t, but I wasn’t naive. I wasn’t stupid. I’d known about it for years. I didn’t have to like it, but I didn’t want to disrupt the kids’ lives as they were finishing high school and getting ready for college. I figured I had been dealing with his relationship with Seline for 23 years at this point. I could wait another four until the kids were out of college.

And even if I couldn’t, they were adults now. They would be fine if I left Matthew. They’d probably welcome it, with the way they were both so dismissive of me these days. To Matthew, they were perfect and could do no wrong. To them, I was the one that stopped them from having fun, that made them study instead of swim, who made them finish their homework before they watched TV or played video games. I was the one who disciplined them when they stepped out of line.

To them, Matthew was the hero. The breaker of punishments, the fun parent who would make them ice cream sundaes whenever they got into any sort of trouble that I had to discipline them for. I was the one who laid down the law, Matthew was the one who overturned my rulings.

They resented my rules. They resented my discipline and they laughed in my face about it, knowing Matthew would ‘spring’ them from their captivity. In the past couple of years, I had simply given up on trying to make anything stick, knowing Matthew would undo it at the first hint that either child was upset even one iota. How we had managed to raise two kids who were well adjusted, polite and tactful, who rarely got into any trouble outside of the house - not that I had heard of, anyway - I have no idea. It certainly couldn’t have been from my discipline. Matthew overturned me every time, releasing the twins from groundings, punishments, and responsibility.

If I said stop, he shouted go. If I said red, he said yellow. If I said up, he said down. It didn’t matter what lessons I was trying to instill in the kids, lessons that would help them navigate the world without us, Matthew overturned every decision I made if it meant our kids had even one second of discomfort or had to take responsibility for something.

I was tired of being the one to try to keep everyone in line. If none of my lessons had sunk in by now, there was no hope they ever would. I gave up.

The twins came back out of the auditorium after returning their robes, and found us among the parents and other graduates. They stepped in line with their father and headed to our car.

On Wednesday, Matthew had surprised me with a brand new Range Rover. Top of the line, all the bells and whistles. He said it was for being so understanding but I knew it was because I had caught him with evidence of his infidelity.

I thanked him, of course. That didn’t mean all was forgiven. It didn’t mean I was accepting of his infidelity. I was numb to it. I simply didn’t care anymore.

Of course, the twins and their father had walked ahead of me, none of them looking back to make sure I was following. I wondered, if I simply stopped walking, how long would it take for them to realize I wasn’t there?

I wasn’t in the mood to find out. We had a houseful of guests coming tonight and I didn’t need to put any of us in any more of a foul mood than I was feeling right then.

Matthew unlocked the Range Rover - my new Range Rover - and the kids climbed into the back seat, leaving the passenger seat for me. At least they remembered I was there.

I climbed into my car while Matthew got in on the driver’s side, readjusted the mirrors and started the car. It purred to life and he smiled.

“How are you liking the car?” he asked as he pulled out of the parking spot.

“It’s fine,” I said. I hadn’t had a chance to drive it much. I’d just gotten it on Wednesday and I hadn’t been out anywhere except to pick up Anna’s graduation dress and that hadn’t been that long of a drive. Otherwise, I had been at home getting the house ready for tonight’s party, coordinating with the caterer and the rental company, organizing space in the back for the DJ, and overseeing preparations. This was probably only my third time in this car, and the second had been coming to the graduation ceremony.

“You don’t like it?” he frowned.

“Dad bought you a new car and you’re unhappy?” Alex said from the back. Matthew shot him a look in the mirror.

“I haven’t really had a lot of time to drive it, Matthew. I’ve been getting the house prepared for tonight. So, from the one time I have driven it myself, it’s fine. It works, it gets me from Point A to Point B and so far in four days I haven’t had a problem. So, it’s fine,” I said.

“Alright, alright. No need to be snippy,” Matthew said.

I have plenty of reasons to be ‘snippy’, Mr. Davenport, I thought to myself as I looked out the window at the passing scenery.

Matthew took the highway home, passing the turn where in two years, I would meet my end. None of us realized the significance of that curve as we drove home to celebrate the twins’ graduation.

The party went off without a hitch. The food was delicious, the DJ was energetic and got the kids, and even the parents up and dancing. The wait staff was attentive and empty plates and glasses were whisked away immediately. At no point did anyone want for anything. Even my mother in law couldn’t find anything to complain about.

“You put together quite a soiree,” she said to me as she and David were getting ready to head home. They’d come early, given the kids their graduation gifts, stayed through the dinner and at nine o’clock, were ready to head home. “We had a lovely time.”

High praise indeed!

“Thank you, Rachel,” I said, smiling. “I’m happy to hear you enjoyed yourself. I know the twins appreciate you coming tonight. And I do, too. Thank you.”

Rachel hummed at me, as though she were trying to find something to complain about.

“Let’s go, Rachel,” David smiled at me. “It was a lovely evening. You should be very proud. And you and Matthew should be proud of those kids.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at my father in law. “We are very proud of them.”

Kieran came up to me as my in-laws went through the house to collect their car and go home.

“What did the King and Queen of Ice have to say?” he frowned at me.

“Would you believe nothing but compliments?” I asked, leaning on my brother.

“I wouldn’t,” he said, laughing.

“I swear, Rachel was looking for something to complain about. But honestly, she actually said I did a good job with the party and that she had a good time. And David moved her along before she managed to find a single thing to complain about,” I said, turning to my brother and looking up at him. He smiled down at me.

“Emily and I are really happy for you guys. The kids look great, they’re so smart and funny and I can’t believe they just graduated high school! How are your kids 18 and heading off to college when we’re still 14 and 16?”

I laughed, and it felt good to laugh. Emily came up to us as we were laughing.

“Emily, hi!” I said, hugging my new sister in law. Kieran and Emily had gotten engaged at Christmas and married on New Year’s Eve. At 11:59. Kieran had said that the last best thing he did last year was marry his best friend.

And I absolutely adored my sister-in-law. She is smart and funny and a perfect complement to my brother’s personality. I don’t think I have ever met two people more meant for each other than them.

“Great party, Amelia,” Emily smiled at me. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Emily, don’t be silly! Of course my brother would have been invited, and now that he’s got this new wife, maybe you’d heard? I had to invite her too!” I smiled.

“Kieran! You got married and didn’t tell me?” Emily joked.

“Oh, yeah. I did. You’d like her,” he grinned, wrapping his wife in a hug. The three of us laughed at the absurdity of our joke.

“Amelia, have you seen my parents?” Matthew said, coming up to the three of us. Kieran’s face clouded over immediately.

“They just left, maybe five minutes ago. Didn’t they say goodbye to you?” I asked.

“They didn’t. I wanted to introduce my dad to someone. Oh well, no matter. Kieran, Emily, good to see you,” Matthew greeted my brother and Emily. Kieran nodded at Matthew and Emily shook his offered hand.

“Didn’t your sister come?” Matthew asked me, frowning and looking around.

“Alecia’s on her way,” I said. “She got caught up at the hospital.”

Alecia was a nurse practitioner and had to work today. She had said she’d be late, but that she would definitely be here. She had texted an hour ago to let me know that she had finished her shift, was just going to change quickly, run home and then come straight up to us. I knew from experience ‘run home quickly’ meant she was going to shower and change before she came here. I couldn’t blame her.

Matthew nodded and looked around.

The kids were all hanging out together, and I watched as my son and his friends were showing off for Anna and hers. I smiled, watching their antics.

“Matty!” that aggravating voice grated in my ears. Seline. I sighed.

“Hello, Atlanta,” she said to me, looking me up and down. Kieran’s jaw clenched. I put my hand on his arm to steady him and remind him not to make a big deal out of it. It wasn’t his problem.

“Seline,” I said. “Once again, it’s Amelia, not Atlanta.”

“Right, right,” she said dismissively. “Where are the kids? I want to give them their graduation gifts.”

“They’re by the pool,” Matthew said. “Come. I’ll take you over.”

I watched as Matthew led Seline over to the group of teenagers by the pool.

“I do not understand how or why you put up with her,” Kieran said to me.

“It’s not worth arguing over, Kee,” I said, using the nickname I’d given him as a kid.

Alecia arrived about twenty minutes later and immediately went to congratulate the kids, give them their gifts and then mingled with our guests and with Emily, Kieran and I.

Everyone was having a wonderful time. As the guests started to filter out, I received many compliments on the food, the decor, the service, and the music. I thanked each and every guest for coming to the kids’ graduation party, and saw them out. Matthew was nowhere to be seen.

Neither was Seline.

Before I knew it, the summer had passed and it was time to get the kids packed up and moved into their dorms at their respective colleges. Matthew and I accompanied them both and helped them get set up in their rooms.

I cried a little when we left them at their schools, I have to admit.

“You should be happy,” Matthew said as we drove the rental truck back to the airport in Boston. “They’re well-adjusted and independent. You should be proud. What are you crying for?”

“Matthew, they aren’t our babies anymore,” I sniffled. “The house is going to seem so empty at night now.”

Matthew rolled his eyes.

“I thought you’d be happy to have more time to yourself,” he said.

More time to myself? I thought. When did I not have time to myself? I barely got two words out of either child in the past six months. If I hadn’t insisted on getting a hug from him, I don’t think Alex would have even said goodbye to me when we left him. I didn’t need more time to myself.

We flew home that afternoon, landing just after the dinner hour. Matthew suggested a restaurant we both liked, but I told him I just wanted to go home, take a bath and relax.

“I have to run to the office,” Matthew said as we pulled into the driveway. “Don’t wait up.”

“But…” I started.

“Don’t start with me, Amelia,” he said. “I don’t know how long I’ll be but since you didn’t want to go for dinner, I figured I can go take care of what I missed driving out east. I’ll be home later.”

And with that, he drove away.