Short Stories

Understand

“No, you don’t understand” I stared at him as my heart continues to thump loudly on my chest I’m scared I might burst any moment. I try to even out my breathing as I looked down at my feet trying to conceal the panic attack that I am having.

“Of course I don’t understand why you are like this, at times you’ll be fine and then another you’ll be freaking out!” he yelled scaring me more than I am already scared for my own life. My breathing continues to be erratic as I try to grab into something.

“I don’t need you to understand, I don’t want you to understand. Just please stay with me.” I said looking up at him with tears on my eyes.

“I couldn’t breathe, my chest hurts, like it’s this feeling where it comes from your chest then it crawls all throughout your body and there is nothing that you can do but wait. You are not capable of having any other thing to feel but just that pain, and it crumples your heart and you can feel slow painful ticks on your heart like something is crushing your heart and there is nothing that you can do but to wait until it’s gone and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being like this, I hate myself for not being normal, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I cannot be normal. I’m sorry that whenever things are doing well this thing or this feeling comes. That whenever you assure me that you love me I push you away, I begin to doubt you, I begin to doubt you love for me. I’m sorry, you are not the problem. It’s me. I am not capable of feeling the love that you are giving me because I always think advance, I think of what can happen, and I’m sorry for directing the pain that I have to you. I’m so sorry. I only have you, and I have no one to tell this to, I’m so sorry.” I tried to smile at him but even smiling feels so painful. Even smiling makes my heart drum into my chest and I couldn’t bear it so I slumped to the floor and started crying while holding my chest. It hurts so much that I do not know what to do but cry.

He sat beside me looking at me but not touching me. He was afraid that if he touches me he would break me but he’s wrong, his touch is what I need, it’s all that I needed at this moment. He looked at me, sorrow evident in his eyes and opened his arms to me before pulling me to his lap.

“Thank you.” He hummed slowly as sleep slowly envelopes me.