Falling For The Deaf Girl

A Fine Frenzy

" The scariest thing about a relationships is that you either break up with the person or you marry them."

It was two months after my brother passed away and I was still depressed and rebellious about it. I also didn't get much work done because frankly getting up in the morning for something besides music was too hard. So, it didn't come as a surprise that I was ten dollars short of being broke.

So broke that I couldn't afford to take my girlfriend to a fancy dinner which led to us getting in a fight. Though, fights with her were a regular thing, this was different because it was our one year anniversary.

"I can't believe I ever dated someone as shallow as you!" I screamed at my girlfriend, Lexi.

"I'm not being shallow! You don't expect me to believe that your stupid band will make it. Grow the hell up!" she screamed back at me, in the luxury room of one of the big expensive hotels she was sent to stay in.

"Why did you keep your mouth shut then? Why did you say you believed in me? Why did you ever give me false hope?" I said as all of her model friends listened to us from the bedrooms. God, they were nosy.

"Because you're an immature little baby! If you want a future with me, you have to provide! Pull your s**t together and get a real job" she said fuming with anger.

"Oh yeah, like being a model is a real job. And to provide for all your shopping sprees I'll have no choice but to be a stripper." I shot back at her. I looked at her now, jaw dropped as she couldn't believe what I just said even though being a stripper wouldn't pay enough for me to keep my high maintenance girlfriend.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? I model for Armani and Gucci!" she said back oh-so defensively.

Lexi doesn't know anything about my family and since she was in Milan for fashion week when my brother died, I couldn't bring myself to tell her about him either. I find it hard, very hard to open up to anyone and Lexi does too. It's why we have such a toxic relationship, it's easy and comfortable to not have to open up and get too involved with someone and though we have a lot of fun together, it's time I realized I have to let go of superficial relationships like this. What's the point of being with someone who doesn't truly know you? I've wanted to let her know who I really am, under the guise of this musician trope she likes but when we fight like this, it's hard for me to even fathom that conversation.

"It means you'll be jobless by the age of 27 maybe 25 'cause you already look 25 now." I shot back at her. It was a definite insult to her, she wanted to stay young; forever. An average modelling career does end in your early 30s anyway. She's only 21 like me and I've never insulted her this much but I can't lie, I meant every single word.

Lexi took a deep breath to pull in all her anger and said "It'll be better than anything you're doing right now!"

I smirked as she ignored my "old" comment because she also knows it's true.

"Yeah, like posing for cameras actually makes a difference in this world."I said through my clinched jaw. I realized then that we had different lifestyles. She wanted one I couldn't provide, hell, she'd be better off latching on to someone richer or famous than me.

We argued and argued for a little more until she gave me an ultimatum.

"Me or your music?"she said seriously, as I finally heard the words I've been waiting to hear.

I smiled genuinely and said "That's an easy question."

I looked at her reaction to what I said and she also smiled to me, touched her strawberry blonde hair and said " Aww baby.."

She obviously didn't know what I was going to say.

"I choose music." I said to her right before I walked out of the door. I can't say she expected that answer but I can tell you this, I surely did.

Yeah, I just broke up with a successful, beautiful runway model, who I've been with for a year for...music.

If that doesn't tell you how much I love it, I don't know what will.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Two months later,

I sat in bed writing the lyrics of my new song and I was thinking about Lexi. I'll miss her cute British accent and the way she snorts when she laughs but if I could do that argument all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Then I heard my roommate and also my band-mate, Carson saying that I needed to get up and go to work. This is my second week at my new job in a bookstore. It's boring as hell but the pay is the same as working in the music store so I figured it's better than becoming a stripper. I used to like working at the music store but then I got fired 'cause I criticized every person who bought a Justin Beiber album.

Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

I got dressed and rushed to breakfast eating as fast as I could. When I finally got to work, I exhaled seeing as my boss was not here . He's probably at his pizzeria; him being a hot headed Italian and very grumpy, it's gives me more reason to hate this job. I greeted my other colleague, Nate who opened the store before I got back to my lyric book to finish my song. Smirking at the lyrics I think 'Lexi, this one's for you.'

" Had me hypnotized

By your magical eyes,

But it's oh so tragic how

They'll never be as pretty

As your little white lies. "

There were a lot of problems in my relationship with Lexi, but when she admitted to lying that she believed in me, that was the final straw. It had me wondering what else she lied about.

Nate took a half day and I was there all alone selling books to bookworms. Same thing as yesterday, the usual, the 9 to 5 routine. I sat there almost falling asleep, when I saw a girl reading a book sitting in an armchair. Store policy allows customers to rent books and read them in the store but this girl didn't pay. I had to do my job or else I'll get fired again so I called out from behind her "Excuse me, miss?"

This girl didn't even move. Maybe she couldn't hear me. How? I couldn't see any headphones or anything of that sort. I called out louder "Excuse me, miss? Hello?"

I got closer to her and said "Are you alright?" She didn't even move, again. I then realized and panicked- oh s**t what if this girl was dead? I ran and got a hold of her. I knelt down on the ground, shook her shoulders and looked at her.

She wasn't dead....

She was shocked and scared and then finally said "Can I help you?" I should have said something, I know; but her deep blue eyes were so amazing that I was speechless. I actually am not a big fan of blue eyes, but on her blue was perfect.

It almost felt that the sky was so grey because all the blue was in her eyes.

I shook my head, blinked and said "Uh, I'm sorry but I called you out three times and you didn't respond."

"So you jumped at me and shook my shoulders?" she replied her voice and diction sounding a little off, putting down her book. Yeah, this was very embarrassing.

"And I thought you were dead." I said embarrassed with an awkward smile at what I just did, looking down at the ground ashamed.

She looked at me with shock. There was an awkward silence for about 5 seconds then to my surprise, she bursted into laughter. I smiled too, really realizing what I just did. I watched her perfect set of teeth as she smiled revealing her dimples, she looked adorable, I must say.

She then finally got a hold of herself and said smiling.

"I'm not dead as you can see, but I am deaf."

I was shocked, I admit. I didn't expect that but it explains a lot.

"But how can you talk then?" I asked out of curiosity. Man that was stupid.

She laughed at me again and said "I'm not mute. I read lips and I went deaf at 6 years old. By then, I could already talk so. Speech therapy also helps."

"Oh.." I said softly as I got up. "I'm sorry if I startled you. I didn't mean to."I added.

"Why did you call me in the first place?" she asked with narrowed brows and confusion in her face.

"Oh yeah I just wanted to ask if you've rented that book." I said, trying not to offend her, again.

"It's mine, actually. I bought it from this store. I hope you don't mind me reading here, I just don't like libraries." she said with a small smile.

"What makes this place so special?" I asked her looking at this old wooden store.

"It gives me the retro feel while reading retro books. Makes me feel like I'm in the book. Plus, there's a really cute guy who works here." she smiled jokingly.

I smiled back and said "I hope you mean me 'cause then I'll know you have good taste."

She laughed and said "No, actually I meant that big grumpy guy with the goatee." My boss. This girl was funny. It's been a long time since I've had a good laugh.

I chuckled saying, "It's nice to see a pretty face once in a while in this boring place." as I looked around the empty old store.

She smiled at me and said "Your boss isn't around, have a seat." pointing me to sit in the armchair across from her.

"I'm Julianne, by the way." she said as she held her hand out. "I'm Dean." I smiled, shaking her hand. I sat down.

"So you like books, huh?" I asked her.

"Yup." she said as she placed a bookmark in one of the pages.

She smiled when she looked at me; looked down at her book, and smiled again. "Do I have something on my face?" I asked, embarrassed if I really did. "No, no." she said as she shook her head and bit her lip trying not to smile, although the warmth in her eyes said it all.

"Why are you smiling then?" I asked, curiously.

"It's just you're the only person who didn't say 'I'm sorry' or pity me after I told them I'm deaf and well, I'm intrigued by that." she spoke up staring at my lips, probably reading them. But that just made me even more nervous and conscious of them.

I was surprised by her, but I could easily answer that question.

"Why would I pity you when I pity myself more than anything?" I said. Those words may sound pathetic but they're true, very true.

"I doubt it. My life is so much more pathetic than yours." she said simply.

"Yeah right.." I said sarcastically, smiling.

"Wanna bet?"she said with a smile playing on her face. She was too pretty and bright that there was no way she has a shittier life than I do.

Sitting across from each other, me in all black clothing with bloodshot sleepless eyes and her across me in a white summer dress, eyes crinkling and smile beaming with sunshine. The thought of us playing this game made me laugh, I would easily win.

"Why not?"I said, having some fun in this hell of a boring life.

"Fine, if my life is more pathetic than yours, then I'll get to "rent" any book for free from this store."she said putting her book down and sitting properly.

"I suppose I could do that." I said. It's not a bad deal. I was in an uncontrolled state of wild behavior, a fine frenzy.

"And if your life is more pathetic, then you'll..."she stopped as she waited me to finish that sentence.

"Then you'll let me buy you coffee." I said smiling. A date with a lovely girl. No way she'll win.

"Okay, whoever says the words "I'm sorry" loses." she said sitting excitedly for the challenge.

"So one, I'm deaf. Top that." she said with a smile; obviously comfortable with it.

"My brother died 2 months ago because he OD'ed." I replied back in all seriousness.

She paused for a while but then; "My fiance' dumped me." she said really concentrating whether I'd say those words but no. I replied to her with-

"I broke up with my girlfriend because she can't handle the fact that I'm poor." Okay maybe I exaggerated the sadness in that one.

"I go to a crappy college." she replied back.

"I can't even afford a crappy college." I replied with a smirk. She seemed put off by what I said but then pulled out 'the mother' card.

"My mother hates me for pursuing art as a career." she said with the puppy dog look on her . Wow this girl is competitive.

"My mother died of a brain aneurysm when I was 13." I said getting nostalgic, thinking about the times she was still there with me. Though I trailed off in my mind, my eyes and her hers were both locked.

She paused for a while, I thought she was going to give up but then she replied and said looking at the ground, away from my face, "My dad left me when I was six."

"My dad killed himself two days after my mother died." I replied with an even sadder look. Till this day, I still feel a pang to my chest when I think about my parents. Suddenly I ask myself, Why am I doing this?

"My dad left me because I went deaf." she said with a bitter tone in her voice. That was harsh, brutal in fact. Why is she doing this?

"I absolutely have no family anymore." I said those hurtful words and as I said them, reality took it's place and it felt like I was stabbed, hard; right where it hurts the most.. I can't believe I just said that. This didn't feel like a stupid game anymore.

She looked at me with concern in her eyes. "I'm so sorry." she said as she held my hands. I could feel her warmth and I sort of felt secure....with a stranger? Is that weird? It came to me that I just told this girl everything about my painful past, this girl I just met! How can that happen?

I never felt the need to tell anyone about my past, for the same reasons she was surprised at my reaction. They'd all pity me, and talking about it would just bring up painful memories. It's not like they'd understand or that it would change anything. I've tried to though, some nights when the sadness hits, I've tried telling Lexi and my band-mates but it was just too hard and they just assumed it was because I was born being emotionally closed off. But with her, it just came out of my mouth.

"It's okay." I replied back giving a fake smile to cover up the pain and the lie-- it wasn't okay. If I could do to change anything about the situation I was in, I would. Lord knows how many nights I lie awake wishing it was me who died instead of my brother.

"You're not lying about all that, are you?" she asked me skeptically with a raised eyebrow.

"No.. are you?" I asked her right back.

"No.. "she said, just staring at me.

"Wow you must really want that date don't you?" she smiled at me as she just lightened the mood.

"Yeah, I guess I do" I smiled back casually, swallowing as I try to forget all I've just spilled.

But though the mood was, indeed lightened, I couldn't help but come to a fact:

I just spilled my life secrets to a girl I'd just met.

What the hell have I done?