Falling For The Deaf Girl

Hope For The Hopeless

"May your choices always reflect your hopes and never your fears."- Nelson Mandela

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Everyone has those days; those that feel like razor blades.

And although the cool summer breeze made it's way past my open window while the sunlight penetrated into my room warming the entire place making it a visually perfect day, I wanted nothing more than to curl up and stay in bed all day.

For the three whole months since my brother passed away, I couldn't sleep and I could barely eat. I lost quite a bit of weight but I couldn't help but blame myself. He was such a lively person and I still can't believe he's not here anymore. The past year, I lived with Darryl, my brother but it was hell.

And after all his relapses, I couldn't take living with an addict anymore; so I flushed his drugs down the toilet once and he went ballistic, hitting me. We abused each other, not like the way brothers fight, but with just pure hatred filled in both of our eyes. He was absolutely ready to kill me for it so I walked out on him after that, and I never talked to him again.

Looking back, I should have been there for him, I should have helped him get better. I should have tried again. I never should have given up. It kills me because he had so much potential. He was a math genius, he should have been studying for an MBA in Yale, but then he was about to sell his own kidney for drugs. I stopped him but who can blame him? His own brother and the love of his life walked out on him the same year. Life, huh? Sometimes, it's just better if your're dead. I don't know about others but it is hell for me and worse for my brother.

I don't agree with the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I prefer, "What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did."

Yes, for the past two months I lived depressed, under my sheets wishing for something good to happen to me, for once in my life. And I guess, breaking up with Lexi was a good thing, she never loved me and I never did too. But that wasn't enough, I still was all alone. And for the next month since the break up I still wish for something good,

Then I met her. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad one.

I asked her out on a date, but what if she gets close to me? And what if I get close to her? Will I ruin her life just like I ruined everyone who I cared about? It scared me even thinking of the possibilities. I tried to not think much of her, no different than any other girl out there. But I've never been so vulnerable with someone like that.

I didn't know, all I knew was that I wanted to see her again. Yet I felt guilty for that. I didn't deserve any happiness, but she was the sliver of hope that things would for once, be different.

I couldn't stop thinking about that day; the day I told a stranger everything, everything about my past. Something I never told anyone and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I gave my number and she said she'll text me for that coffee but I'm pretty sure she forgot about me or she simply never wanted to see me again. And as for my brother's death along with my parent's; I carry on through music. I just listen To My Chemical Romance- Welcome To The Black Parade, and my day just gets a little bit better.

The words : We'll carry on, we'll carry on

And though you're dead and gone

Believe me, your memory will carry on.

These words are how I really carry on each day.

That's how I can even stand to live in this sad world--Music.

I was still in bed on my day off, thinking and daydreaming looking at my white plain ceiling when I got a text.

"Hey, it's Julianne. Remember me?"

I was delighted with joy when I got that text because I never expected it. I smiled, still in my bed and replied

"How could I forget?"

A few seconds later, she replied

"You're pretty memorable yourself."

I smiled at the thought and replied back

"How about that coffee now? Or are you not a man of your words?"

Oh crap what did I just write? The thought of seeing her again took over the feelings in my fingers as I impulsively hit send. I then got her text saying

"Yes I am a MAN of my words, haha. And I'd love a cup of coffee with you. I'm free right now if you are."

I got dressed and replied to her

"Can you meet me at that coffee shop opposite the bookstore?"

I did my usual routine in the morning and got ready but faster than usual. I looked at my phone and saw

"Sure, see you in 15."

I could do that, the bookstore was only 10 minutes away. I fixed my messy hair, which is impossible to be fixed. So I left it like that hoping she wouldn't care. I left my house, dressed in a simple white v-neck tee with black Levi's and a pair of fully black chucks. As I walked by the busy streets of New York with the hot summer sun above me, I just realized

This was a pity date. She pities me, she said so herself my life is more pathetic than hers. As you can tell by now, I'm a pessimist but can you really blame me with a life like this?

About 10 minutes later, as I almost reached the coffee shop, I saw Julia walking towards me from the opposite direction. I had a flutter in my chest causing me to smile, which is a weird and an uncontrollable feeling I've never felt since high school. I watched her as she graciously walked down the street with just a sleeveless dark blue top, simple light wash denim jeans and flats. It was so great in contrast to her light skin and now I really think I understand the phrase "What you're wearing, brings out your eyes."

I saw her red luscious lips curve into a smile as she saw me. Wow, I was pleasantly surprised because every girl I've taken on a date were really impeccably dressed with very high heels. I'm 6'2 and she's 5'2, and she's not wearing heels. I was glad to see her not intimidated by my height like others. But I guess that's what girls do when they go on pity dates. I became a little disappointed after that thought.

I walked over to her as she walked over to me, and when we met I smiled and said "Hi."

"Hey" she replied back.

"You look lovely today." I complimented her.

"Really? But I feel so short.." she said laughing, looking up at me.

"But you know what they say..." I said smiling at her.

"What?" she asked curiously.

"Tall guys and short girls make the cutest couples." I said smiling.

She laughed out loud and said " Really? I've never heard that." We both laughed, knowing I just made that up.

"I think that made my day." she said smiling.

"But the day only started." I replied back. I was never like this on other dates or on any other occasion, as a matter of fact. I never smiled and laughed this much. Before, other girls found me mysterious and "hot" the way I never smiled. But I was just sad, depressed and looking for a purpose in life. But somehow with her, it's different. Maybe a part of me wanted to project a different side of me, hoping she'd like me better for it.

We went inside as I held the door open for her, "Thanks" she said as smiled at me.

We sat in a corner booth with a window overlooking the bookstore. "You don't have to go to work today do you?" she asked worriedly. The way she talked and the way she understood every word I said, makes me think twice if she really is deaf. She's no different than any one else, but that's not the way people were treating her, especially her father.

"No, it's my day off." I said slightly slower and shook my head for her to really understand. It was only 9:00 when we were in the coffee shop.

"Oh, you said you were an art student?"I asked her.

"Yeah." she said she she nodded her head.

" Wait, I just want to know about the ex who dumped you 'cause you were poor?" she said trying not to laugh.

I laughed too and said, "I may have exaggerated that just to win."

"Cheater." she said gasping.

"No, it's sort of true she wanted me to get a real job." I said, while grabbing the laminated menu.

"You mean those boring jobs in offices?" Julia said narrowing her eyebrows with disbelief.

"Yes, exactly." I replied back. It's nice to have someone who thinks the same way.

"My mother wanted me to go to a college where I would work glued to a desk all day." she said exhaling deeply.

"Your're never really living if your're not doing something that makes you happy." I said smiling at her.

"Exactly, but what makes you happy?" she asked me.

"Music. I'm in a band." I replied back to her.

"Oh interesting.. what's the band named?" she asked me as the waitress dressed in black, came over to our table.

"Hello, what can I get you two?" the petite brunette waitress asked with a big smile on her face.

"I'll have an iced tea and you..?" I asked her.

"Black coffee and a blueberry muffin, please." she said looking at the menu, then at the waitress.

The waitress said she'll be back with our order in a few minutes and then Julianne turned to me and said "Iced tea? I thought we both were going to get coffee."

"It's just really hot." I said trying to fix my messy hair.

" Anyway I was saying, what's your band called?" she said with her left hand on her chin.

"It's called The Forsaken." I replied.

"That actually makes a lot of sense." she replied looking up with her "thinking" posture.

" I don't know if you could believe this, but you're the only one who would know the band name makes sense." I replied with a serious look.

" Meaning?" she asked me, narrowing her brows.

"Meaning you're the only one who knows what I told you last Wednesday." I said, while looking out at the bookstore.

She then gave a small smile and said "Believe it or not, your're the only person I told about my father."

"Really?" I asked, shocked at what she said.

" Not even my fiance' knows." she replied .

"Oh, um sorry, I meant my ex." she said looking disappointed and sad at the ground.

And me, in an attempt to try and make her feel better said, "How could anyone be so stupid to dump you?"

She smiled and said "Thanks, but it was actually a mutual break-up. Guess I'm a cheater too." She said biting her lips to try and sound innocent.

I looked at her hand and noticed her wearing a ring, a diamond ring on her ring finger. Is it an engagement ring? And the sunshine just gleamed from the band, so it probably was very expensive.

She put her hand down and stared at her ring, then said "We just broke up a month ago."

"How old are you?" I asked, she didn't look any older than 22 but she was engaged so I had my suspicions.

"Only 20, I know right 20 years old and engaged. But he proposed after graduation and we were high school sweethearts so I couldn't really say no." she said plainly.

"Oh, don't mind me asking but why'd you break up?" I asked. It sounded like a pretty awesome relationship to me.

" You know, the long distance relationship wasn't working out." she said and paused , "Especially if your're deaf." she said grinning. I just realized what's my connection to her, even though she faces a lot of trouble she decides to laugh about them. Yes, I've met people with fake smiles but she looked genuinely okay through it all. I mean I have music to get through it but does she have?

Her art probably.

I just smiled at her and then the waitress came with our order. "Here you go" she said as she put down the tray. "By the way, you two are just the cutest couple I've seen today." she said dusting off her doughy apron.

As the waitress left, Julianne laughed.

"I told you! See, I'm not crazy." I said grinning too.

"Okay, okay." she said as she finally stopped laughing.

She took a bite of her muffin, stopped then widened her eyes. Oh God, did it taste awful?

"This. Is. Amazing." she said. I gave her a wide grin and said " This coffee shop is really underrated."

"I know and places like Starbucks costs a fortune. I mean Starbucks coffee is good but it's just not worth the price." she said as she munched on her muffin, talking with her mouth full. She looked so stupid yet so adorable.

I drank my iced tea, served in a frosted glass, which made it even more mouth-watering. I drank it and felt the chill in my throat. I was enjoying my drink when I saw a girl with ash blonde hair banter her eyes at me. I chose to ignore her as I watch Julia gulp down her muffin. It was really funny and I smiled to myself thinking "This girl would totally beat me in a hot dog eating contest."

I drank my iced tea which was now half finished, but then the same blonde girl winked at me and when I looked again, it was Lexi's best friend!

I almost spit out my drink as I coughed with the iced tea still inside my mouth, not able to swallow it. I covered my mouth , looked down, and finally swallowed.

"Are you alright?" Julia said concerned, putting her hand on my arm.

"Yeah, um it's just my ex's best friend is here." I replied brushing myself off, not daring to look at Serena, Lexi's best friend. Yeah I knew her...she came to a couple of my gigs with Lexi. The gigs she claimed were "amazing".

"Oh, and your're worried that she'll tell your ex about you with another girl?" Julianne said, rapidly pulling away her hand.

"No, it's just that she bantered her eyes and winked at me." I said signalling the waitress for the bill.

"So much for best friends." she said sighing.

"Is it okay if we just get out of here?" I said really coming closer to her.

"Yeah sure, but I think I just found my new coffee place." she said giggling.

I paid the bill, got up and took her by the hand. I couldn't wait to rush out of that place. Julianne was surprised by me but followed anyway. As I walked out the door, I still saw Serena smile at me but then my attention went to Lexi who was sitting next to her. I didn't notice her before, I was way too busy admiring Julianne's stupid jokes. "Oh shit." I thought to myself.

I was about to walk out the door, with Julianne right behind me, until I heard the word "Dean!" and I stopped instantly. It took me about a second or two to turn around. There she was, instantly standing up, taking her sun glasses off and glaring at me. Yup she wore sun glasses practically everywhere, even inside a damn coffee shop. I gave Lexi a forced smile and said "Lexi..."

"How are you?" she said fake smiling, pushing her sunglasses up over her hair while eyeing Julianne up and down through the corner of her eyes.

"I'm good, thanks." I said, sucking in my lips. I hadn't realize but I was still holding on to Julianne's hand.

"And who's this?" Lexi smiled as she turned to Julia. I paused for a few seconds, then I cleared my throat to introduce the two but I was interrupted by her saying,

"Hi I'm Julia." she said so confidently and smiling at the same time.

"Hi," Serena said as she looked at our hands joined together. "Well it was good seeing you." I said walking away, with Julia behind me. As we got outside of the coffee shop..

"Okay was Lexi the best friend?" Julia asked me .

"Nope, Lexi's the ex." I said. I can't believe Serena would have the guts to openly flirt with me while Lexi is right next to her. Or maybe Lexi told Serena to do that, man women confuse me.

"Ooh sounds dramatic, but where are we going now?" she asked running up front with my pace.

"To Central Park." I said looking at her smiling, as she nodded..

And I smiled too, not because she seemed like a very genuine, gorgeous, bubbly and basically because she was everything I wasn't but because still had her hand in mine.