Many Words In Silence

Chapter 15

I could feel his arms wrapping around my waist as I tried to get away. Somehow Fynn had managed to get hold of me before I disappeared out of the clearing and into the forest.

“Stop fighting me Elijah,” I heard him say into my ear through clenched teeth.

“Let me go!” I yelled out as loud as I could, although I was fairly certain there was nobody there that could hear me. Unless someone was hiking or camping in a forest at night, there was no way I was close enough to civilization for anybody to hear me screaming.

“Not before you calm down,” Fynn hissed.

Even through my panic I had to admit that Fynn was quite strong. He didn’t have to drag me after him. Instead he actually held me around my waist and picked me up, walking back to the table with me.

“Get your hands of me!” I screamed again, trying to get loose, willing to kick and hit Fynn as much as I could. Abuse he ignored as if he could not even feel it.

“Calm down and I will let you go,” Fynn said next to my ear again. “If you get lost in these woods you could kill yourself. If you go in the wrong direction you might fall down the creek.”

“I don’t care! Anything is better than being here with you!”

I knew I was sounding irrational and that Fynn was making perfect sense, but once again like so many times in my life before my entire carpet had been ripped from underneath my feet. Everything I knew to be right was wrong once again. I was confused. I wanted to die. Even if it meant falling into a creek.

“No! Stop it!” Fynn hissed again as he pushed me down on the chair, holding me there by my shoulders. “Now listen to me. Calm down and I will take you back to your hotel. Just calm down.”

“You want me to calm down after what you had said? After basically admitting that you have been stalking me for the best part of the last decade?” I could feel the anger building up inside me. Usually I would have been crying by now, but I couldn’t. The anger was just too much. Frankly I wanted to hurt someone. Whether it be myself or Fynn… It didn’t matter anymore.

“Just listen to me Elijah. I can explain,” Fynn said. This time he sounded calmer too.

“No,” I refused point blank. I had no interest in what he had to say any longer.

“Hear me out and I will take you back to town. No questions or expectations from me to you after this. Just listen to me,” Fynn asked. I could hear him pleading, but since he was behind me, holding my shoulders in an iron grip I could not see his face to be sure.

“Make it quick,” I said, making sure I hissed like a livid snake. If I had to listen to him, at least I could make sure he knew that I didn’t want to listen to him at all.

“Okay… I’m going to let go of you. Promise me you won’t run off,” Fynn said. I could feel his grip loosening on my shoulders. For a moment I thought about making the promise and then making a break for it, but at the same time I also knew that if he caught me so easily the first time when he wasn’t expecting me to run, the second time would be a piece of cake for him.

“I won’t run,” I mumbled, deciding not to use the word promise.

“Okay…” Fynn said again as he let go of my shoulders, slowly stepping around the chair in order to face me. “Firstly, sorry about just kissing you. I shouldn’t have.”

I looked up into the sky, trying to count the stars who were playing around up there as if my life wasn’t shattered again down here.

“Please Elijah… You have to understand. You tried to commit suicide after Blake died. From what I understand you have tried it numerous times. We all grieve differently. I just wanted to make contact with you. My obsession was what kept me going. I needed to know you. I wanted you to tell me about him. The stories that didn’t just come from my mom. I wanted the stories of how he truly lives when he was away from her. I wanted to know how he was in a relationship. I never, ever thought I would fall in love with you. I didn’t know the pull would be that strong. I had no intention…”

Fynn cleared his throat before speaking again.

“Please Elijah. I just need to talk to someone who knows how it feels to lose someone. I need to know what Blake’s last days were like. My mother doesn’t know jack s**t about anything. She believes Blake was only an angel. That he never did anything wrong. I don’t want to know that Blake. I don’t want to remember an illusion. I need to know the real Blake.”

He was on his knees now. The proud Fynn with the huge ego was actually begging.

“Please Elijah. Please. I don’t ask much. You don’t have to love me forever. You can leave me here in this town and go back to your life as soon as you’re ready. I will deal with my heartache alone. All I ask is that you give me the love I long for so much while you are here, for however long that may be. Be mine Elijah. Please, be mine.”

“Doesn’t it make you feel like s**t trying to get into your dead brother’s boyfriend’s pants?” I heard myself saying out of the blue. I didn’t want to acknowledge him, but I needed to know. I was feeling like s**t just because Fynn kissed me, and I didn’t even kiss back.

“Off course I feel bad, but I can’t help who I love. I just can’t help my feelings,” Fynn pleaded with his eyes. He didn’t look like he was going to cry anymore, but he looked desperate.

“Just take me to my hotel,” I answered. I didn’t want to know any more about his feelings. Just the idea of what he said alone made me feel dirty.

“Be mine? Promise me you will be mine,” Fynn asked. He wasn’t full of himself anymore. I didn’t see the handsome guy in front of me that I almost fell for. What I saw was pathetic.

“Take me back. You said you would take me back if I listened to you. I listened,” I answered, keeping my eyes locked on him. Trying my best to stare him down, like I did with Sam many times in the past when he didn’t want me to leave the house. Sam always won. This time I won as Fynn looked away.

“Fine,” he said as he stood up and started walking towards the trees.

“Aren’t you gonna clean up here?” I asked loudly. Sure, I wanted to get back to the hotel as fast as I could, but I wasn’t a fan of leaving the forest in this state either.

“Nah. I’ll pay someone tomorrow to come and clean this up,” Fynn said. He sounded normal again. The cocky Fynn I know.

“Are you sure you are Blake’s brother and not Lucy’s?” I mumbled an answer to his remark that would have totally gone over his head even if he did hear me.

I grabbed the picture on the table and pushed it into my pocket as I stood up from the chair. My legs felt shaky. I haven’t been through this much in one night since that awful night that led to Blake’s death, and even then I didn’t feel as drained. Back then I had a reason to pull myself together. I had to do it for Blake. This time however I didn’t care. I wanted to just fall apart right here. I wanted to die again. I didn’t want a complicated life anymore. I just wanted to drift into the air and disappear from view.

I didn’t stumble as I followed Fynn back to his car. I barely saw the trees, and I could have cared less about the path. Even when I saw the car it still didn’t dawn to me that the night was truly over. I didn’t even noticed that Fynn had opened the passenger door for me until he took me by the arm and helped me into the car. I felt like a zombie. Like I was doing everything on autopilot, just going through the motions.

We drove in complete silence. Fynn did not try to talk to me once. Maybe he felt the same way I did… There was nothing left to say after what he had said. At the same time he was only looking for the very same thing I came to this time looking for. I was looking for parts of Blake I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I was looking for it, but it started to make sense to me, no matter how weird it was having these thoughts in my head. I wasn’t looking to get over Blake. I was looking for new memories. In truth I have been looking for reasons to hold on to him. I have been looking for wonderful memories about what a good person he was, just so that I could keep holding on to a person who died nearly ten years ago. It wasn’t fair to myself, and still I could not stop myself. Fynn was pathetic. I was sure of it. But was this how the outside world viewed me as well? Someone pathetic who just doesn’t know how to go on with his life?

“The hotel is that way,” I said as Fynn drove past the mall and past the only way I knew how to get to the hotel.

“We’re not going to the hotel immediately,” Fynn whispered. He had a tiny grin on his face, whilst biting his bottom lip at the same time. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“You promised you would take me to the hotel,” I answered. I could feel panic welling up in my chest, but I pushed it down. Fynn was weird enough. I had to keep my cool.

“I will make good on my promise. I just want to show you one last thing. It’s just another two streets down,” Fynn said as he slowed down for a traffic light.

For a moment I wondered if I should jump out of the car and run for the hotel as fast as I can. At the same time I thought about staying in my seat. Who knew what Fynn was capable off?

“What do you want to show me?” I asked as we came to a stop at the red traffic light. If he answered quickly and I didn’t like the answer I could still jump and run.

“I want to show you the park where Blake and I used to play the few times we saw each other,” Fynn said. “It’s one of the only memories I really treasure from our childhood.”

“Why?” I asked. This is the exact reason why I came to this town. Why I didn’t go back to Sam’s place and talk things over with him and Michael. This is the reason why Lucy left me here alone. I was finally getting what I wanted, but I didn’t know if I still wanted to see and hear about the life Blake had before me.

“Because maybe then you will understand why I want to know more about him. About his time with you…”

I understood where Fynn was coming from. I kept quiet as the traffic light turned green and he sped away towards the park where Blake used to play.