Many Words In Silence

Chapter 14

After a main course of salads and chicken which I almost enjoyed, and some small talk that I really could have done without, it was finally time for desert. There was still no wine, but at least he has some red grape juice to try and make up.

In the last hour I have found out a lot about Fynn. For instance: he loves talking about himself and how good looking he is. I also found out that he used to have a problem with alcohol abuse, and now he doesn’t drink at all. I found out that he grew up in the West and has only been back in his home town for about six years now. I found out that he was thirty years old, that his parents were divorced, that he had a brother he barely knew since he lived with his father, and his mother had the child after he moved to his father. He only saw them on vacations, and that wasn’t really enough to build a proper relationship with them. I also found out that he hated onions and mushrooms, and that he worked out three days a week with a personal trainer. He also had his own company, which his father helped him build up. It was corporate in nature, but he didn’t go into detail about that, although I know he made a nice twelve million dollars last year. He enclosed that he was ready to settle down and not live the high life anymore, that he wanted someone he could care for and that would be there for him, since his house, which is way too big for him alone, got really lonely at times.

I nodded with everything he said. Most of it was questions I asked as to take the attention away from myself so that he would not have a chance to ask me anything. I could only imagine how this dinner could get worse – if I were to tell him why I was really in town, and started crying over Blake onto the chocolate cheesecake he baked.

“So, the date is almost over,” I said looking down at my watch, seeing that the time went faster than what I thought.

“Not entirely. We can sit here and talk if you want?” Fynn asked with a cute face I have not seen yet. He looked like a child asking for a toy while he knew his mother could not afford to get him one. I almost felt sorry for him.

“Not particularly,” I answered. Truth be told I really wanted to get back to my hotel room. As interesting as it was to hear everything about Blake’s life and trying to avoid his questions on my past I really wanted to retire for the night.

“I would really like for this date to last a bit longer,” Blake said, giving me a smile which I decided to interpret as an imitated sad smile. Probably because he was getting much less out of this date than what he thought he would.

“I’m sorry Blake… I came on this date for only one reason…”

“To find out why Lucy is so opposed to me,” Blake answered for me.

“Yes,” I answered looking down into my plate again, not wanting to meet his eye.

“No interest in me at all?” Blake asked.

This was the point where I usually wanted to get up and run in the opposite direction. I didn’t want to be honest with him at all. Firstly because I felt guilty for liking him and the way he looked. Also liking him for the fact that he reminded me of the person who I didn’t want to cheat on even though he was dead. Finally I didn’t want to be honest, because the truth be told I wasn’t really that into him anymore after hearing how cocky he could be.

“I’m just… I’m just not ready for a relationship at the moment,” I breathed the lie.

Maybe it was the truth. Maybe I really wasn’t ready for a relationship, but another side of me was asking me how bad it would be to be with someone again. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved so much. Not the way that Sam and Lucy loved me and protected me. I wanted to be loved by someone who could draw me in for a kiss, and spoon with me on a cold winters night. And I felt guilty about wanting that.

“I understand,” Blake said, but the tone of his voice made the opposite clear.

His entire body stiffened as he stood up from where he was sitting. I wanted to run away from him as he moved closer. I had no idea what he was thinking, or what he think he would achieve getting up in my personal space.

“Here,” Blake said as he took something out of his pocket and placed it in front of me on the table.

It was unmistakably him. There was no doubt in my mind. He was younger, but it was him. It was Fynn. And next to him…

“Blake…” I gasped as I looked down at the picture.

There they were. Two kids, just standing next to each other, arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing at the invisible camera man taking the picture. Fynn must have been around eighteen on the photo, Blake much younger. It was impossible to digest this piece of information. Did Blake really have someone before me? Even before Kevin? Was I looking at the man who was the first boy to give his heart to Blake?

“You knew Blake?”

I stared up into Fynn’s eyes, daring him to tell me the truth. Asking him to not rip my memories apart. Hoping that he felt like me on the inside.

“Yes.”

The answer was simple, only one word, but one word was enough to hear pain in Fynn’s voice.

“You two were together? He was your boyfriend?”

Fynn chuckled and hunched down on his knees, making me turn out of my seat so that I could look at him. I felt cold. I now knew why I was drawn to Fynn. A piece of Blake is living inside him, just as a piece of Blake is living inside me as well.

“No. We were never together,” Fynn said after a few minutes of smiling at my shocked face.

“Then how? Friends?” I asked. I was connecting the dots, but I refused to see the picture. It could not be true.

“Llaluna’s my mother. I was on my way to her when I hit you with the car,” Blake said calmly. “I knew it was you the moment I saw you on your back in the road. There was no way mistaking the face of one of the best authors of the last decade, not even to mention the fact that you were my brother’s boyfriend.”

He let go of my hand and stood up, turning his back to me, taking a few steps into the darkness and away from the table.

“How many times did I not hear your name after Blake died? My mother has never stopped talking about you. The boy who killed Blake. The boy who took her sweetheart away from her. I was never good enough when he was alive. Only he counted. He would never leave her. And then you came. And you took him away from her in life at first. She was livid. She did so many spells to kill you, obviously showing that her witchcraft is nothing more than hocus-pocus. But then you went on dating him. Even after she warned you. Even after she told Blake that you would be the death of him. Her words weren’t even cold yet…”

He sounded bitter. He didn’t sound like the cocky Blake I had gotten to know over the last couple of days. He sounded like an old man reliving a life that was too hard to handle. The carrier of a burden that was so heavy that it had to be taken away from him before it could crush every bone in his body.

“Lucy was an interesting situation. I never knew her personally. We have never met before. Not officially in any case. But her story was convincing the moment she actually registered who I was. I knew who she was immediately. How could I not? She was Blake’s best friend. She was the one that did the things with him that an older brother should have done. He was asking her for advice about your relationship when he should have asked me. Not that it was his fault. That blame lies with my mother alone. She has always been a hateful hag.”

Fynn turned around again and looked me in the eyes. I was expecting to see the eyes of a serial killer, but I was surprised. He wasn’t sobbing, but tears were running down his cheeks in a silent cry. Almost like the pain was just spilling over, not being able to be kept inside any longer.

“I wanted to contact you after Blake died. I tried to. Many times. The Sam dude kept on answering, and he refused to let me speak to you. Told me that you have been through enough. I could not reach you at school either, since you know just as well as me that you could not go back after your episode after Blake’s death. There were too many triggers. I get that. I could not come back to this town for many years either. I couldn’t go anywhere that had too many memories of the brother I so desperately wanted, but could never have. After that I tried through your publisher, your private social media where every setting is set on private so that nobody can send you messages. I really tried everything. I was about to give up, but then… There you were. In the street, right in front of my car…”

Fynn sank to his knees in front of me. I allowed him to take my hand. There was no way I could have pulled it back from him even if I wanted too. I felt limp. The information was too much. It sounded like something out of a fiction novel. It sounded too impossible to be true.

“I hated you for a long time Elijah. And you have to forgive me for that. I looked at your picture so many times. The one on the dust jacket of your book that made you look like a school child – all innocent. I hated your face. I hated every single word you wrote about Blake. I could see him in every sentence. But even though I hated you for having those memories with him, I also needed every word you had written. I needed the connection with him that you kept alive. But I hated you.”

Fynn finally gave in to the tears. A sob escaped his throat. I had an overwhelming urge to hug him that I fought at all cost.

“Then I saw you. Laying there in the road. And I knew. I knew what Blake had seen in you. You were broken. I saw a broken man. And I loved you. From the moment you opened your eyes in front of my car I knew that I loved you.”

Before I even knew what was happening his lips was against mine. His hands were holding my face in place, and even though my hands were on his wrists I could not get his arms to budge. I was too shocked to do anything. I was too shocked to push him away and too amazed to kiss him back. I had no idea what I was feeling other than confusion.

He kissed my unresponsive mouth what felt like a moment standing still in time before he pulled away, his nose basically touching mine.

“I love you,” Fynn whispered, the tears still shining in his eyes.

“Never. Do. That. Again. Ever.” I spat the words one by one. I could finally feel the anger building up inside me. I needed to get away from his creep.

I pushed him. Hard. As he stumbled backwards I started running to the tree where we entered the clearing. It would be better to get lost in the woods and die of hunger than hearing another word coming from Fynn’s mouth.