Many Words In Silence

Chapter 4

I struggled to keep my tears back as Llaluna sat in silence across from me, looking at me as if I was going crazy.

“I killed Blake,” I repeated, trying to swallow the thickness welling up in my throat.

“What do you mean?” Llaluna asked. She didn’t look close to tears at all. I was expecting her to start crying, but the old Llaluna that I have always known was back. I could see the lightning flash in her eyes.

“I killed him… If I listened to you… It wouldn’t have happened… He would have still been alive…” I could not stop the tears anymore. I allowed them to slip over my cheeks.

“Yes. If you look at it that way it was all your fault. I warned you,” Llaluna answered. I could feel her hand slipping of mine as she stood up from her chair. “It took me a very long time to make peace with the fact that Blake has moved on from this world. But Elijah, if this is why you came here. To upset me… Maybe you should leave.”

“I came here…” I started but I could not get the sentence out. I could not tell her what I needed to tell her. “I’ll just leave.”

“I get that you also lost someone, but let’s be honest. How long did you really know him? You lost a boyfriend you knew for a short while. I lost a son; a part of myself. And people think just because I believe in reincarnation that it makes everything better. Let me tell you one thing right now – it doesn’t. It doesn’t take away any of the hurt, or the injustice that was done to me. I tried to reach out to you for a very long time, hoping that in some small way you would be able to give me the gift of the memories that you and Blake shared. I wanted to see a part of him I would never know as his mother, but now I am glad you didn’t want to speak to me.”

Llaluna bent over the table. Her eyelashes almost touching mine now.

“I want you to get out of my house. I never want to see your lowly face in this town ever again. I don’t want to hear your name. You are right about one thing – you are the reason my son is dead, and nothing will ever bring him back to me in the form I had him before. You keep yourself eight hours away from me, and I will keep myself here.”

I had seen Llaluna be mean before, but the woman in front of me was a being I had never met before. She was more than just mean. She was cruel. I wanted to get away from her as quickly as possible. I wanted to run from her, the tears running from my face, even the need to die that was welling up inside me, but somehow my legs could not move. The accusations were just to much for me to handle.

With trembling hands I reached for the chain around my neck.

“You will never see me again,” I said as I unhooked the locked with the lock of Blake’s hair from my neck. “Just answer me one last question.”

“What do you want?” Llaluna asked. She was starting to remind me of the evil witches you read about in old fairy tales.

“Wasn’t his death just as much your fault? You were the one trying to keep us apart. You wanted to lock him in a house where you could have him all to yourself. If you never stood in his way he might not have been so suborn to want to be with me,” I said as I stood up from the chair, raising myself to her level, leaning in the way she was leaning into me, hoping that she would be taking in every single word I was saying.

“How dare you?” she spat. I could feel the saliva drops hitting my face, but I did not dare to blink.

“No Llaluna… How dare you? Keep Blake. I am done with him,” I whispered as I grabbed her hand, forcing the locket into it.

Before Llaluna could say another word I ran. I ran past the living room where I was sure the couch still stood. It took me a few seconds to work the lock in order to open the door. I panicked as my fingers slipped on the knob, thinking that Llaluna would come after me, but I couldn’t hear any movement behind me.

As I finally opened the door I heard a scream. Llaluna was screaming, howling like a wounded animal.

I ran into the sun that was coming up in the horizon. Away from Blake. Away from the memories. Away from Llaluna. Away from my very last shot of ever feeling alive again…

I could hear my sneakers hitting the gravel road, over and over and over again. The burning in my chest increased as I ran away from my problems, and the truth. The worst thing was that I could not stop thinking about the glass of water that still remained untouched on Llaluna’s kitchen table. I was almost tempted to turn back, if only for the water, but I knew that I would never be able to set foot back there again. I would never be able to look her in the eyes again. And for this moment I regretted leaving the one piece of Blake that I could have held close to me for the remainder of my life on Llaluna’s kitchen table.

Yet I could not stop running. I knew I was nowhere near Llaluna’s house anymore. I didn’t know where on earth I was. I could see the sun coming up. I could see light going on behind the windows of the houses I was running past, but still I could not stop. I needed to get away, much like the night I just had to escape everybody and everything and ended up in the orchid where Blake took me that very first time.

I could feel the tears burning down my cheeks, and still I kept running. I could barely see, but stopping was not an option I had luxury off. It was like something was driving me. Maybe it was Blake. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe I just had enough of life…

I was taking another left as my ankle twisted.

I heard the screeching of a car.

Blinding lights that shone brightly in my eyes.

And then… A massive pain shooting through my side.

Then everything faded around me as I heard a man screaming at who I guess was me.

The darkness didn’t last for long. I could hear everything that was going on around me. I could hear the man asking me if I was okay. I could feel his hands running over my body. Probably feeling if I had broken anything. Still I kept my eyes closed. I had finally been hit by a car. I finally had my chance to die, and here I was still. Still aware of the fact that I was most definitely not dead as the pain in my side assured me off.

“Are you okay? Can you hear me?” The panic in his voice was urgent, and somehow it sounded like he was close to tears.

“Yeah…” I mumbled without opening my eyes. I felt guilty. I didn’t look where I was going, but I still wasn’t ready to open my eyes and accept the fact that I was still alive.

“Can you open your eyes? Should I call an ambulance?” The voice reminded me of someone, but I had no idea who. He sounded older than me, but something in me said that it could also just be the panic in his voice.

“Just leave me. Go,” I said as I tried to take inventory of my injuries.

The car could not have hit me very hard. I could feel my arms and legs. Nothing felt broken. I could move my body. It was just my side, and it hurt a little bit when I breathed. I diagnosed myself with some bruising. Maybe at most a cracked rib or two.

“I can’t just leave you. We need to report this…” the man went off again. He sounded a little bit less frantic than what he did a few seconds ago.

“I’m fine. I’m sure,” I said as I reached out to push myself up as I opened my eyes. No use of living in a world of fantasy where you could potentially be dead.

As I opened my eyes I wished I didn’t.

“Blake?” I asked as I looked into his face. It was his. The one I had been longing for. It was Blake’s eyes. Blake’s nose. Even his lips. Those were the same lips that told me they would fix me up. The lips that kissed me with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

“Sorry?” Blake said, staring down at me with a confused frown.

“I’m dead…” I whispered softly. I had to be dead. How else…

He looked at me even more confused. As if he didn’t know what to say while all I wanted from him was to take me in his arms and kiss me. Tell me that he would never leave me again. The longer I looked however the more I saw things that was not the same. Blake hair wasn’t that light. And his eyelashes was never that long. And this guy didn’t have the one slightly crooked front tooth that Blake had.

“You’re not Blake…” I said. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes. My throat getting thick.

“No… I don’t think I am Blake,” the stranger that hit me said. “Fynn,” he said reaching out for my hand and helping me out. “Though I’m not sure if I am glad to make your acquaintance in this manner.”

“I need to go…” I mumbled. I needed to get away from him, but as I turned to walk away I could feel a stinging in my side. There was no way I was running anywhere now.

“Are you okay?” Fynn asked as he moved closer to me. “Should we maybe call an ambulance? Or I can drive you to the doctor?”

I turned my head away. He might not have been Blake, but they could have been brothers. One part of me screamed to look at him. Take a picture. Have something of what I am sure Blake would’ve looked like if he was still alive. The other part of me wanted to get the hell out of dodge. Run away from this man that reminded me way too much of the biggest pain I have ever had in my life.

“No. I just need to call a friend,” I said and reached for my phone, pulling it out of my pocket.

My hands shook as I dialled Lucy’s number. I brought the phone to my ear, and electronic voice telling me that I did not have enough airtime to make a call, and that I should recharge before I attempt any further calls.

I sighed.

“Can I use your phone please?” I asked Fynn, realising with a pang that I would have to be in this strangers company a little bit longer than what I would’ve liked.

“Sure,” he said with a smile as he walked back to his car and climbed in. “Hop in!” he shouted from the open window.

I didn’t like the idea, but I didn’t really have a choice. I had no idea where I was or how to direct Lucy to get to me. I was pretty much stranded.

“I’ll buy you breakfast to say sorry for running you over,” Fynn said as he handed me his phone, turned on the car and drove off into the sun that has finally peeked out completely, expelling dawn and turning it into day.